EXCLUSIVE!
Theatrical Cement
Company News (TCCN) has exclusively learned exclusively that President
Donald J. Trump is missing from the White House. The following ketchup-smeared note was found on his pillow.
I ran on a platform
opposing Iran.
Which I said I'd do
better than anyone can.
I ran saying only I
could
bring peace to
Middle East neighborhood.
I ran saying I'd fix
the U.S. economy.
(Which would be true. . .if you had a lobotomy.)
(Which would be true. . .if you had a lobotomy.)
I ran promising I'd
appoint judges
who would adhere to
troglodyte grudges.
I ran not admitting
I had a crush on
Vlad the strong,
bare-chested Russian.
(He colluded with
me, not with him.)
I ran telling lies
and I criticized
to prove to the
proles I was one of their guys.
But if traitors criticize me
I say deport them
to some shit-hole country.
I ran pretending to
be that I'm not,
a basically bigoted
rich dumb-ass snot.
(Which, truth to tell, is just what I am.)
I ran running my
mouth like a bugler
which somebody told me is pure Dunning-Kruger.
In fact, my whole
life has been one big ass scam.
When Robert Mueller asks where I am,
if he water boards
you, tell him I ran.
More details as they
become available. We now return you to rhyme-free reality.