№ 645.1: EXTRA! GOP Committee Members Pre-Response To Mueller

Robert Mueller Testimony Live: Former Special Counsel Faces Lawmakers

Rep. Devin Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, opened the second hearing with Mr. Mueller with a quip: “Welcome everyone to the last gasp of the Russia collusion conspiracy theory.”

OKEFENOKEE (July 24)

Mr. Mueller, your “report”

caused a bit of a buzz.

Though we have not read it

we can state that it does

not reveal crimes Donald did not commit.

And, sir,  if it does, we don’t give a shit.

№ 586.1: EXTRA! Questioning The Attorney Generally

THE SWAMP, May 1

Trump thought he'd relax
after Bill Barred the facts.
But, dang it, it isn't that simple.
GOP side (again!) played the Hillary card,
Dem side tried (hard!) catching Bill Barr off guard
and sly Lindsey G. shyly peeked from his wimple.
Answering questions Bill Barr seemed aloof
and stupid when queried on Mueller's reproof.
(As for el jefe — dear God, what a goof,
the man has the brain of a pimple!)

Breathe deep. Close your eyes. Count up to ten.
Everything's better. We're great again!
(So long as our eyes remain unopened.)

[updated 5/2/2019, 12:25 p.m.]

№ 583: Elephantine Concerns

ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD, April 28

I'm concerned about Donald.

I fear he's unwell.

That there is a problem

within his shell.

He seems not himself,

the man I admire.

I fervently hope

nothing untoward's transpired.

While Kim is important. . .

to North Koreans,

Donald's important

to all human beings.

To everything living

all flora and fauna,

even illegals

in Tijuana

who, truth be told,

wish to come here

to be near to this man

all people hold dear.

Nowadays Donald seems —

what's the word — distracted?

As though in fear of being impacted

by what Bill Barr’s memo

ignored and compacted,

that stuff in Mueller's Report

Billy barred and redacted,

that his conflict with Democrats

will be protracted,

that at day's end

a penalty will be exacted,

that part of his pelf

will be subtracted

as he is, himself, from

the White House extracted.

I'm concerned about Donald.

I fear he's unwell.

That there is a problem

within his shell.

He seems not himself,

this man the wide world admires.

I pray nothing further
untoward transpires.

№ 578.1: EXTRA! Rudy On Sunday

Giuliani rails against Mueller report as Democrats mull Trump impeachment

• Trump lawyer: ‘Nothing wrong with information from Russians’

On Fox News Sunday, he claimed Robert Mueller’s 448-page report. . .was full of “calumny, lies and distortion”.

On CNN’s State of the Union, the former New York mayor. . .claimed the special counsel’s team “came close to torturing people”. . . .

Asked on NBC’s Meet the Press why Trump was so angry at Mueller and former White House counsel Don McGahn, a key witness, Giuliani replied: “Because they tried to frame him.”

RUDYLAND, April 22

This so-called report? A fat pack of lies
saying my client is innocent.
Even if he had committed his crimes,
being caught at it was NOT his intent.

Now I, his lawyer, speak freely — at last! —
now that Most Holy Easter is past.
Given this man whom I represent
I should never have given up lying for Lent.

With truth and lies you have to be coy or
give up pretending you are a lawyer.

№ 577.2: EXTRA! Now It Can Be Told

Obstruction of Nothing

And here, we're guessing, is what WSJ redacted from their editorial.

(with apoligies to Paul and Linda McCartney)

Email subscribers click here.

CLOUD CUCKOO-LAND, April 19

We're so sorry dearest Donald
We're so sorry Mueller caused you so much pain
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But your future still looks Stormy
And we ain't talking rain
We're so sorry but WE have only loving thinks to say
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But we really did believe you were headed for the clink
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But Bob Mueller had not a lot to say
We're sorry dearest Donald
But the Dems are on your case and you'll still be put away
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
Billy Barr told me
he would fix things up and I would go Scot-free
I ate a few Big Macs (my usual snacks) and put on a tie
(I always snacks on Macs it helps me to relax —  make napkin of my tie)
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
Golf a little lard ass, play a round (play a round)
Use golf cart keep your feet up off the ground
Golf a little, play a round
Golf a little lard ass, play a round (play a round)
Use golf cart keep your feet up off the ground
Golf a little, play a round
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy

№ 577.1: EXTRA! WSJ — Facts Take The Back Seat

One is forced to conclude
Murdoch's Opinion Minions,
each one an prominent sage,
were so busy yesterday fudging the facts
they'd no time to read the front page.

№ 576.2: EXTRETERA, EXTRETERA And Go Forth Lying

THE SWAMP, April 18

AND FURTHERMORE
NO JUSTICE OBSTRUCTION
TOO BUSY HERE
WITH STANDARD CORRUPTION
LIKE WHEN A HOOKER SAYS
"THANK YOU SO MUCH"
WHEN I DESPOIL HER
WITH MY TRUMPISH TOUCH
(IT'S CHEAPER THAN MIDAS
AND BY MY BEDSIDE)
EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE
CAN BE BOUGHT AND SOLD
WHEN YOU ARE PLATED
IN FIVE CARET GOLD
(OR EVEN GOLD VARNISH
IF YOU HIDE THE TARNISH)

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR SESSION'S RECUSAL
THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN MY BUSINESS AS USUAL

[updated April 18, 2019 4:38 p.m. EDT]
[updated April 18, 2019 3:11 p.m. EDT]

№ 576.1: EXTRETERA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

THE SWAMP, April 18

NO COLLUSION.
SO ENDS CONFUSION.
JUST DEM DELUSION.

I KNOW NO ROOSSIAN.

MYTH EXTINGUISHED.

I BARELY NO ENGLISH.

№ 562.1: EXTRA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

Trump Boasts About Mueller Report, Jeers ‘Collusion Delusion’ at Rally

Hurls insults at Democrats, says rivals ‘tear up the fabric of American democracy’

The Mueller Report has three hundred pages. . .
every one says “NO COLLUSION”
which, as you know, all of FOX sages
said was the only conclusion
possible given the facts
which were not in dispute
despite Rachel Meadow's unfair attacks
(a lezzie to boot, she's not even cute),
she's so in the sack
with the Dems who condemn. . .
there's lotsa gay gals — maybe her “pals”? —
I could make normal, you know anti-abortion,
soon as I'm done with my Mueller distortion.)

[corrected 3/31/2019, 11:54 p.m.]

№ 557.4: EXTRA! Trump: “Complete And Total” Misrepresentation

Mueller Doesn’t Find Trump Campaign Conspired With Russia

A summary of the special counsel’s report that Attorney General William Barr sent to Congress on Sunday found that while the report “does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him” on the question of obstruction of justice.

Speaking to reporters in Florida on Sunday before boarding Air Force 1, Mr. Trump called the findings a “complete and total exoneration.”

WASHINGTON, March 24

The record will show beyond dispute

the serpent never gave Eve any fruit.

№ 557.3: EXTRA! Report Card Time

Robert Mueller’s Report on Trump-Russia Probe Delivered to Attorney General Barr

WASHINGTON, March 22

...ultimately it will be up to Congress to decide whether any of the facts about Mr. Trump uncovered by Mr. Mueller constitute an impeachable offense.

Mueller is coming.

Trump is running scared.

Michael Pence is hoping

Donald won't be spared,

praying to his God

that sometime after Lent,

Donald will be gone

and he'll be president.

№ 533: Fact To The Future?

To celebrate the last Presidents' Day, The Daily Doggerel rented Doc Brown’s DeLorean for a trip to the year 2050. As it turns out, 2050 is not so very different from today. Hotter, of course. Florida and all the world’s coasts are under water. World population is estimated to be about one billion. (Hard to get a handle on that sort of thing since there are no longer any governments, though someone claiming to be a reincarnation of Mel Gibson is rumored to be working to restore order.) However, we were able to access Wikipedia which, strangely, has been rewritten in rhyme. (Something we started?) The following is Wikipedia’s summary of their article on Donald Trump.

Donald Trump was an Ivy League GENIUS,

he went to Wharton at Penn

which he chose over Harvard or Dartmouth,

Cornell, Columbia, Brown, Princeton, Yale when

he picked a college to teach him the knowledge

which, of course, he already knew

of how to succeed (spoilers: it’s greed

and cheating as Daddy Fred Trump taught him to).

Daddy Fred taught Donald to lie and to rob,

but his post-grad instruction was Roy Cohn’s job.

Roy Cohn, Esq., his adult mentor,

showed him the back door to power,

decades before he married Ivanka

whom he entombed in his tawdry tower.

Roy taught him to fight until he prevailed,

before dying of AIDS and thereby failed

to live to see his protégé nailed

by Robert Mueller, impeached and enjailed.

№ 517.3: EXTRA! Stone: I Will Not Testify Come Hell Or Bob Mueller

WSJ

Roger Stone: 'I Will Not Testify Against the President'

Longtime Trump political adviser Roger Stone was indicted Friday in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., on seven counts, as part of special counsel Robert Mueller's ongoing investigation into Russian tampering in the 2016 presidential election. 

Email subscribers click here.

If only Roger would adopt one of the caged border kids who need someone “to take their part” or could see that the Constitution needs him, eh wot?

Bookmark tcement.net for broken developments.

№ 517.2: EXTRA! Will Roger Roll? (an enveloping story, STAY TUNED)

FOX “News”
Roger Stone indicted on several charges as part of Mueller’s Russia collusion probe

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders told reporters Friday, "This doesn't have anything to do with the president. It doesn't have anything to do with the White House."

And Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow said, "The indictment today does not allege Russian collusion by Roger Stone or anyone else. Rather, the indictment focuses on alleged false statements Mr. Stone made to Congress.”

Stone, a self-described political dirty trickster who famously has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back, will make an initial appearance later Friday before U.S. Magistrate Judge Lurana S. Snow at the federal courthouse in Fort Lauderdale.


Email subscribers click here.

№ 514: TCCN EXCLUSIVE: A Report From A White House Bathroom Mirror

EXCLUSIVE! BREAKING NEWS: Theatrical Cement Company News, Ink., the apparent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively received the following exclusive from a White House bathroom mirror which requested anonymity for fear of being shattered. 

(with apologies to Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim)

Email subscribers click here.

I had a dream, a dream about you, Donnie.

It's gonna come true, Donnie.

I like your hairdo, and Donnie,

things are swell, news is FAKE!

We are making America quake!

Open lips, don't disclose.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Press and Dems are real jerks!

Mayhem for us always works.

Grab her hips. Muss her clothes.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Now's our inning. I think everyone's clear.

We're still winning as we were from the beginning!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy at the top.

We're still swell. We're still great.

I can tell. It's our fate.

Mueller doesn't even have a clue!

Donnie, everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.

We can do it, Donnie is gonna see to it!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy who's on top.

I can tell, wait and see.

There's the bell! Follow me!

And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!

Donnie, everything's coming up towers and new hotels!

Everything's coming up Putin and Kim Jong Un!

Everything's gonna be Space Corps and border walls!

Everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

№ 495: White House Christmas Mourning (a TCC News EXCLUSIVE!)

Donnie knew he was good. (Despite what he did.)

Down where it counted, deep in his soul.

So he was happy on Christmas Day

to find in his stocking a large lump of coal

delivered by Santa in his diesel pickup

with eight tiny reindeer, field-dressed and trussed up.

Donnie imagined the only thing cooler:

instead of reindeer, Khashoggi'd Bob Mueller.

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

Email subscribers click here.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)

№ 483: A Visit Too Ridiculous

(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Tis two weeks before Christmas and thru' the White House

Donald is “roaring”. He sounds like a mouse,
squeakily tweeting, “This is not fair!”

and blusters bravado: “THEY WOULDN'T DARE!”;

Melania snuggles alone in her bed

while Secret Service wish they could be elsewhere instead;

Little Trump thumbs poised, ready to tap,

Trump “giant” brain conjuring incredible crap,

when on the South Lawn a colossal clatter,

Donald drops his Big Mac to see what is the matter.

He flies to the window, altho' bathrobe clad

and hobbled by bone spurs, which hurt really bad.

What wailing of sirens! What flashing of lights!

Thru' the bullet-proof pane what a horrible sight.

There on the lawn, bullhorn in hand,

stands Robert Mueller. Just. As he planned.

№ 482: Olde Tyme Christmas Rhyme (what old Republicans' wish)

Mueller is coming.

We are nearly numb,
weary from squirming

under Trump's small thumb.

Can't speak “on the record”.

However, nonetheless,

in our heart of hearts we wish

Mueller all success.

№ 476: Which Hunt?

The Phony Witch Hunt continues, but Mueller and his gang of Angry Dems are only looking at one side, not the other. Wait until it comes out how horribly & viciously they are treating people, ruining lives for them refusing to lie. Mueller is a conflicted prosecutor gone rogue....

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 27, 2018

Did Al Capone think Eliot Ness

was on a witch hunt

looking into his business?

Did not GOP

once try to finesse

investigating a 
certain blue dress

which was at that time, 

neither “high crime”

nor was it 
a misdemeanor

and could have been “fixed”

with a trip to the cleaner?

To explain their confusion

when it comes to collusion,

one is apt to conclude

there are, perhaps, facts 

GOP would wish to exclude

from the public which 
were they ever viewed 

would plausibly cause disquietude.

That may be the reason

these men for no season

show scant interest

in probable treason,

feebly refutin’

Trump’s dealings with Putin.

Oh, hear the squeals

of these slippery eels

as Mueller reveals

the à la carte stealing

Parts Of The Deal.

Remember when 

the GOP said,

“If you've nothing to hide,

you've nothing to dread”?

That was then.
This is now.
And it is funny how
their story needs rearrangin’.

“The times they are a-changin’”.