№. 464.1: EXTRA! White House Coo Coup (another one, yawn)

WSJ: Trump Weighs Replacing Chief of Staff John Kelly in White House Shake-Up

West Wing considers high-level shakeup as it prepares for final two years of first term

“This is how the president works,” one White House official said. “He’s doused a bunch of people in gasoline and he’s waiting for someone to light a match.”

Oh, how I wish I were MBS.

Then I would respond to unpleasantness

with a simple instruction, “Off with his head!”

Must it be this hard to make someone dead?

Not necessarily ACTUALLY dead.

Just make them go away instead.

It makes me weary, weary and tired,

to tell General Kelly who's to be fired.

Can't do it myself — too conscious-stricken.

And, truth to tell, I'm a big chicken.

Clucking and fussing, I am a mess.

I'm in a permanent state of distress.

Can I bring back Jeff Sessions, my sweet Keebler elf?

Must I tell Kelly to go fire himself?

№ 414.1: EXTRA! Jeff Sessions — the AG and the conspiracy

NYT: Trump Blasts Sessions for Charging G.O.P. Members Before Midterms (Paywall)
Sept. 3, 2018

In a pair of tweets sent midafternoon, Mr. Trump suggested that the Justice Department should not have brought charges against two “very popular” Republican lawmakers running for re-election so close to November because it could jeopardize the party’s control of the House.

Jefferson Sessions has a serious flaw. Though he's my AG, he follows the law! The facts are so simple. Obviously, no one is guilty if they support me. And whether they are guilty or not —
I am THE PRESIDENT and I say so what? Protect your friends, punish your foes. Someone gets in your way, they get punched in the nose. If Jeff's unwilling to abuse his powers, I gotta tell 'im, bye-bye, hit the showers.

№ 389: Matthew 25:40 (updated)

The Daily Beast: Jeff Sessions’ ‘Religious Liberty Task Force’ Declares Holy War on LGBT People

The attorney general's new ‘Religious Liberty Task Force’ will ensure that the Trump administration’s program of discrimination against LGBT people and others continues unchecked.

We Christians must, of course, be free

to persecute those with whom we disagree.

That is what we mean by religious liberty.

This is because our God is weakish

unable to tolerate anything freakish.

And He gets pissed when we act meekish.

Yeah, right, “inherit the earth”.

We're darned tired of waiting. (For what it's worth.)

Why be last, God wants us first.

So away, we say, with all humility.

Forget Marxist (Christian?) “needs” and “abilities”.

Take what you can, there's no culpability.

You know what you want, then dagnabit.

You go on ahead and you grab it.

We gotta get past the “peace Jesus” habit.

To save us from gays, God gave us AIDS

to kill them by squadrons, battalions, brigades.

The modern equivalent of the Holy Crusades.

So it's a sin to spend Christian tax money on

developing drugs so they go on living on.

Better they die and go where we know they belong.

So much in this world we have to rectify.

So many sinners need to be crucified.

Or, at the least, made to die otherwise.

And to show we are not fooling around

we propose expanding “standing your ground”

to include a [white] Christian's inalienable right

to shoot whoever they dislike on sight.

№ 360.1: EXTRA! Half-Cocked Sessions Defrocked?

WaPo: We’re ministers in Jeff Sessions’s church. His immigration stance defies our values.

The attorney general’s words and actions led us, and hundreds of fellow United Methodists, to write a letter formally charging him with violating church doctrine.

I am always amazed

(this goes to my bias)

to discover “Christians”

who are not also liars.

Too many “Christians”

find their expression

in missing the meaning

and praising the message.

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№ 358.1: EXTRA! No Room At The Inn (Again)

USA Today: What Melania Trump, past first ladies have to say on 'zero tolerance'immigration policy

In a memo, [U.S. Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard III] Sessions said anyone entering the country illegally will be met with "the full prosecutorial powers of the Department of Justice."

“But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not,

to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14 (KJV)

J-man said that? Well then, okay.

We'll see to it that the l'il buggers suffer.

We'll take their mommies and daddies away

and put them in cages in warehouses

in conditions so dire some few may expire

and so it goes in the corrupt Trump Empire.

№ 357.1: EXTRA! What Sessions Mentions (or beware evil weevils quoting scripture)

WaPo: Sessions cites Bible passage used to defend slavery in defense of separating immigrant families (Paywall)

“There are two dominant places in American history when Romans 13 is invoked,” said John Fea, a professor of American history at Messiah College in Pennsylvania. “One is during the American Revolution [when] it was invoked by loyalists, those who opposed the American Revolution.”

The other, Fea said, “is in the 1840s and 1850s, when Romans 13 is invoked by defenders of the South or defenders of slavery to ward off abolitionists who believed that slavery is wrong. I mean, this is the same argument that Southern slaveholders and the advocates of a Southern way of life made.”

Who would not love

be there the day

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

passes away?

There, at the Pearly Gates, with St. Pete

on the day Jeff's called to meet

and explain to his maker

why all his life he was

such a Gawd-awful faker,

pretending to “Christian” ideals,

fortified by out-of-context appeals

to King James Bible chapter and verse

which read as a whole say just the reverse

of what he claims.

But, as you know, Jeff has other aims.

His maker's reprimand will be terse

and the result for Jeff will be worse

than that meted out to lesser political hacks

because his maker loves Hispanics and Blacks

more than He cares for White Hoods who claim

they know His will and do crap in His name.

No. 308.2: EXTRA! Cohen, Cohen, Gone? (Someone soon, the question is who.)

USA Today: FBI raids Donald Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen's office, leading Trump to attack Robert Mueller

Trump angrily seized on the development Monday, calling the action "a disgraceful situation."

"It's total witch hunt," the president said at the White House. "It's an attack on our country in the true sense ... what we all stand for."

As a citizen-businessman I never saw

one single reason to obey any law

federal, state, city, foreign or local.

Obeying the law is strictly for yokels.

(Of course, there is God's law,

bing, bing, bang, blah, blah, blah

when I play Evenjellyskull, ha-ha-ha-ha.)

So, now someone thinks I'm supposed to repent

simply because Vlad made me president?

No. 292.1: EXTRA! Trump Speaks Through Mouthpiece On McCabe Firing

President Trump’s lawyer called on the Justice Department to immediately shut down the special counsel probe into Russian interference in the 2016 election, in the wake of the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe.

— WaPo: Trump’s lawyer calls on Justice Department to immediately end Russia probe (Paywall)

Finally, at last, the nightmare is over.

If I drank I'd be pouring champagne.
Here's final proof there was no collusion
between Russia and my campaign!

However could we have been in collusion

since we were one and the same?

(As to the logic of this proving anything

more than that I made Sessions tame. . .

I don't do logic. Or truth. Or reason.

And Donald J. Trump is my name.

No. 281: A More Perfect 10 (a Trumpoline mash-up)

I.

I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have any gods before me.	Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances

Free speech? Free press?
If you're a Christian or Jewish Capitalist.
Assembling allowed
for church on Sunday.
Redress of grievances?
Well. . .maybe someday.

II.

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Idols are fine.

Indeed, they're fun.

Especially if

they carry a gun.

III.

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

If swearing soldiery

is not allowed,
no matter where
or how they are housed,

our Army will not

make much of a crowd.

IV.

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Those who keep holy the Sabbath day

don't need these “rights” really now do they?

After all, if with the Good Lord you abide,

what could you possibly have need to hide?

V.

Honor your father and your mother.

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

If you obey your Mom and Dad,

they'll probably say you're never bad.

If you are white, polite, have a nice smile

you should never need to stand trial.

VI.

You shall not murder.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

A White Christian male “standing his ground”,

who confronting some [REDACTED]

is quick on the trigger?

We cannot see where there's fault to be found.

VII.

You shall not commit adultery.

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

We all “adult”.

No harm, no foul.

(And what can you get today

for twenty bucks anyway?)

VIII.

You shall not steal.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Steal? Steal? What you mean “steal”?

I'll not post bail and I'll appeal.

You'll never repeal my Art of the Deal.

IX.

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people

“False testimony”?

What and idea!

All I say is true.

Or so I hear

on the box

as I watch FOX.

I've the right to disparages

and multiple marriages.

X.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, or property.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people

I never covet. I see. I take!

I mean, come on. Give me a break!

I'm uninhibited.

I can't be prohibited.

It's my right as a “people”

can THAT be agreed?

Both Lindsay and Jeff say
the South can secede.

No. 280.2: EXTRA! Sessions Repressions (my kingdom for a gun?)

In a message that takes some liberties with the facts, Trump wrote, “Why is A.G. Jeff Sessions asking the Inspector General to investigate potentially massive FISA abuse. Will take forever, has no prosecutorial power and already late with reports on Comey etc. Isn’t the I.G. an Obama guy? Why not use Justice Department lawyers? DISGRACEFUL!”

— WaPo: Trump lashes out at attorney general over alleged surveillance abuses (Paywall)

It would take a Caligula

or maybe a Nero

to turn Jefferson Sessions

into a hero.

Even our Donald isn't that bad.

(Though you do have to wonder,

does this make him “SAD!”?)

Does knowing now how he

yearns to face gunmen,

make his Secret Service

even more nervous?

Have they decided

what's to be done

when he says, 

“Give me your gun!”?

Do they fear he might,

with lust in his eye,

say to some woman,

“Kiss me or die!”?

No. CLVI.i: EXTRA! Sessions Recusal, Regrets And Regressions

Business Insider: 'The most humiliating experience in decades': Trump pushed Jeff Sessions to resign after Mueller appointment

Current and former administration officials told the [New York] Times that Trump accused Sessions of "disloyalty," called him an "idiot," and said his appointment as attorney general was the worst decision Trump had ever made, leaving Sessions, in the words of the Times, "ashen and emotional." 

As with "kittens" he fondled,
Trump does what he does because...
he's The Donald.
When he anointed A.G.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
he expected that Jeff
would allow his transgressions.
When Jeff recused — did he grow a spine? —
Donald, of course, thought he should resign.
Rumor has it that
that night in bed
Donald frothed at the mouth
shouting, "Off with his head!
I'd not pick this
idiot for A.G. again!"

No room in this country
for these two old men?

[Updated September 15, 2017, 4:33 p.m.

No. LXXXVII: What is greatest threat facing U.S.?

Not since King George III's mercen'ry Hessians
have we faced a worse problem than Jefferson Sessions.
This man, whose ancestors failed at secession,
aims to reclaim the "states rights" concession,
aka voter suppression. Cause for depression.
Next question?