905: The Gospel According To GOP (or get me rewrite)

SINCE WISHES ARE ELEPHANTS (July 21) —

We Republicans, try as we might,

can not make Ayn Rand into Jesus.

Although we’d love to we can not because

“Atheist Ayn” was a free-love extremist.

In order to salvage our Trump-damaged brand,

we have change Jesus into Ayn Rand.

To hell with free loavers! To perdition free fishers!

It’s supply and demand. (Which the marketplace wishes.)

Let the poor starve. Ignore the lame.

Such loafers have only themselves to blame.

We hold peacemakers blessed, we MEN of action.

“Peacemakers”, you know? The Colt Single Action.

Click

№ 837: A Cunning Plan

E.P.A. Weakens Controls on Mercury (Paywall)

The new Environmental Protection Agency rule does not eliminate restrictions on the release of mercury, a heavy metal linked to brain damage. Instead, it creates a new method of calculating the costs and benefits of curbing mercury pollution that environmental lawyers said would fundamentally undermine the legal underpinnings of controls on mercury and many other pollutants.

FAST BUCK REPUBLIC (April 16) — 

REPUBLICANS, seeking to increase their number,

strive to make everyone dumber.

Their solution: increase pollution, 

advance intellect diminution.

After a while, nobody can

think any clearer than Aynie Rand.

Destroying schools and the environment

is, far and away, primary requirement.

To lock in —  FOREVER! —  their Capitol gains

they dasn't refrain from rotting brains.

№ 600: Airy Stars Tittle Contemplating A Busted Homo Sapien

WHATSITALLABOUTALFIE, May 21

In those long ago days when we lived in the trees

before taking to two feet, unbending our knees,

before we thought really deep thoughts

creating conflicts between “wants” and “oughts”,

when we were conceiving what we call morality

to prove ourselves worthy of immortality,

thereby giving rise to our present modality

which, in part, overrides our prior brutality,

which allowed us to do what made us feel good

and never consider whether we should.

What pleasures we had in not thinking twice

about what we were doing not being nice.

This new cogitation caused a massive upheaval.

Theologians term this “the problem of Evil”.

Which, unless I have misunderstood,

might be termed, as well, “the problem of Good”.

“Evil” succeeds. “Good” meekly smiles and,

late or soon, gets thrown off the island.

“Evil”, to me, is how things really are.

In contrast “Good” seems entirely bizarre.

On the one hand, Mother Teresa. (Who I can't understand.)

Then on the other one, you have Ayn Rand.

One's a bestseller, the other's been sainted.

In heaven, I wonder, are they acquainted?

At afternoon tea with the rest of the ladies

do they gloat over enemies burning in Hades?

While stars supernova and galaxies whirl

what do they say to the rest of the girls?

Do they ever speak of our human dis-ease?

Do they question the wisdom of leaving the trees?

№ 518: Toasting Libertarians

To all Libertarians,

you Ayn Randian

professed successors to Socrates:

Please excuse if

you think I am grim. . .

but Socrates? You do know

what happened to him?

If not, I'm sorry

the subject came up.

This one is on me.

Bottoms up!

№ 488: How Democracy Could Be Made To Work (an Ayn Randy/Jim-Dandy/Koch Bros Ideal)

Do not try to tell me democracy works!

You like being governed by losers and jerks?

Said Jefferson 😇, “God” created men equal 😉.

In the beginning. We're in the sequel.

Which — no surprise — is appalling flawed. 

Presents for peasants! I mean, Good Lord!

S-l-o-o-o-o-w, low IQ beggars and debtors

who think they're better than us, their betters,

and, stubborn, refuse to yield to our will

which leaves us no option. Other than kill.

THAT sort of democracy would be an improvement.

As after a blockage is a bowel movement.

№ 443: Where There's Hope There's...Bernie, Liz and Dennis Kucinich (remember him?)

Progressives insist it'll be grand

when all the world's people

link arms and join hands.

BUT according to Darwin

and his “daughter” Ayn Rand

peace and equality are not in the plan.

Hopeful progressives dismiss this abyss.
They persist in their ignorant bliss.

“And that's how it is.”
Something I missed?

WaPo: Trump called Robert E. Lee ‘a great general.’ Robert Lee IV disagrees. (Paywall)

“He is showing us that he supports an idol of white supremacy and of hatred,” Robert Lee IV said of the president in a video statement he shared Saturday with his 31,000 Twitter followers. “Robert E. Lee fought for the continued enslavement of black bodies. It was for states' rights, yes, but it was for states' rights to own slaves. I find myself saddened by the state of our nation.”

Relevant reprint:
Thursday, August 17, 2017
No. CXXXIII.i: EXTRA! Nonsense On Pedestals

№ 437: Dominion (PRESTO!: a GOP/Christian/Libertarian Mephistophelean manifesto)

We are God's carnivores!

God made us free

to eat anything
we decree, 

in any way, 
dumber than we.

We human beings —

God's chosen, US! —

are allowed to eat everything.

What's to discuss?

Interpolating

God's clear intent,

we can DO ANYTHING!

(Except during Lent.

When, for example,

in place of hair shirts

we show we're holy

by skipping desserts.)

It also follows,

as night does day,

the best amongst us

have final say

on WHO gets to live

WHO needs to die

WHO does NOT get

a sliver of pie.

If you are a slave
and I am free
it's what God wants
for eternity.

It's all in accord

with Almighty's plan.

You know, “Almighty”?

Roosian-born Ayn?

Though Jesus is still

our afterlife darlin',

for here and now livin',

we prefer Rand and Darwin.

BONUS FOR US CARNIVORES


Email subscribers click here.

№ 331: The Blightests And The Beasts

The thing that sets Dunning-Krugers apart:

the mistaken conviction that they're “very smart”.

If they ever heard of them they would disparage

the studies that show they are below average.

Can you say “Punch”? Can you say “Judy”?

Can you say “Trump”? Can you say “Rudy”?

When I think Dunning-Kruger those two of a kind

spring to mind

along with Sanders' “Socialists” and Rand's “Libertarians”.

(Mom said I tended contrarian.)

№ 327: Conservatives?

Today's “Conservatives” are ignorant RADICALS,

  Bible Belt Trumpers and Ayn Rand extremists.

The latter, like Marxists, don't get economics.

  The former don't understand Jesus.

Discussing religion is always fraught,

  therefore the less said the better.

HOWEVER. . . ignoring the message while always insisting

  you're following it to the letter?!

Though GOP Randys pander to “Christians”

  to achieve legislative majorities,

when in power they say “What the hell, screw 'em.

  Their concerns are not our priorities.”

Seeing these creeps Lady Liberty weeps
  and lowers her torch in despair.

The Randarians can not tell truth from swill
  while the “Christians” haven't a prayer*.
_______________________
*Cf. Matthew 6:7

No. 247.2: EXTRA! How Do You Solve A Problem Like The Donald?

Rupert Murdoch

thinks he's lazy,

stupider than crazy,

with a hazy

understanding

of all things.

Without a soul

and uncontrolled,

he's unable to withhold

firing pointless arrows

with his slings.

The GOP is stressing

Paul Ryan's near confessing

he wishes he'd become a priest,

save for fearing God

would think his thinking odd: 

Ayn Randy, not Christian in the least.

Hamlet made the point

“The time is out of joint”,

seconded today by Mitch McConnell.

The party of Abe Lincoln

has given up on thinkin'.

There's stupid,

then there's crazy,

then there's Donald.

[Updated 1/15/2017, 4:18 pm]

No. 232.2: EXTRA! Bit By Bitcoin?

Cryptocurrency values plunged Friday in a market-wide selloff that reversed highs the volatile sector had reached just days earlier.
-- USA Today: Cryptocurrency values plunge amid market-wide selloff

[with apologies to Roger Christian and Gary L Usher and, I guess since it is Christmas, Tiny Tim]

Tiptoe through the window

with your worthless

cryptocurrency.

Shout out,

“Watch out below!”,

fall free.

In vain to yer,

we explained to yer

tulip mania's

insanity.

So tiptoe through the window,

fall free.

You prob'ly thought

Bitcoins you bought

were a grand

Ayn Rand idee.

So tiptoe through the window,

fall free.

I dunno,

could be so,

it’s a Lib-er-al

conspiracy.

So tiptoe through the window,

fall free.

It's not absurd
that “crypt”' the word
has a bit of
grav-ity.
So tiptoe through the window,
fall free.

No. 220: Cool, A GOP Jazz Riff (featuring Alan Greenspan on clarinet)

Relax, man!

Don't worry that “voters” don't like out tax plan.

What they opine is of no note.

When we are done, they will not have the vote.

We're packing the courts, changing the system,

replacing “democracy” with Ayn Randy wisdom,

paring government down to a minimum,

running the country as a condominium

where voting depends on shares outstanding

and peasants — er, people — can't go demanding

food, water, shelter. . .“justice”, medical care

that they don't pay for. How is it fair

to ask us, their betters, their natural superiors

to pay for the upkeep of all these inferiors?

Soon, with robots replacing the masses

we'll no longer need these “working” classes.

We'll just tell Alexa to order a car

to drive us from wherever we are

to the beach house, the country club, the airport, the yacht.

Any hoi polloi in our way will be shot.

We all agree: this is fair. Do we not?

No. CL.ii: EXTRA! Annie Randy Lives

From Quartz Weekend Edition: Making money during the apocalypse.

Bryan Menegus reports for Gizmodo from a conference whose attendees envisage a future where capitalism is under siege. “The machinery of freedom” apparently will include floating sea colonies, special economic zones, and stateless cryptocurrencies. And it’s up to these elite techno-libertarian attendees to ensure that future happens—whether it benefits the rest of the world or not. 

[WARNING: Piece is badly written and probably never saw an editor's red pencil. Reader caution, especially English major's, is advised.]

Annie Randy lives!
'swhy
ever'one else is gotta die

Inane, insane,
in th' main
on Chris-t-ain

ever'one ya distain
throwed unner th' train
fer capital gain...
whuts t' complain

all's this hears sayin' is t' be free
yer gonna need sum more slavery

No. LV: A Thought At Random

Ayn Rand fans say, "It's a plot
blocking us getting our shot!"
They say it's unfair,
they say they're
"unrecognized geniuses
with extra large penises"
when in fact they are not.