№ 754.1: EXTRA! From Rudy's Greatest “Hits”

Rudy Giuliani, a Catholic, says he is ‘more of a Jew’ than George Soros, who survived the Holocaust (Paywall)

Rudolph W. Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, claimed in an interview that he is “more of a Jew” than Hungarian-born philanthropist George Soros, who survived the Holocaust.

The comment came amid a larger, seemingly boundless interview with New York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi, in which Giuliani reportedly claimed, without evidence, that former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch was “controlled” by Soros. He went on to call Soros, a Jewish billionaire and influential Democratic donor, an “enemy of Israel.”

“He put all four ambassadors there. And he’s employing the FBI agents,” Giuliani said, before continuing the conspiracy-theory-laden diatribe.

“Don’t tell me I’m anti-Semitic if I oppose him. Soros is hardly a Jew. I’m more of a Jew than Soros is,” said Giuliani, who is Roman Catholic. “I probably know more about — he doesn’t go to church, he doesn’t go to religion — synagogue. He doesn’t belong to a synagogue, he doesn’t support Israel, he’s an enemy of Israel. He’s elected eight anarchist DA’s in the United States.”

GONE SOUTH, SPECIFICALLY (December 24)

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(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

I expect everyone of the Dems to make fun
of my loud protestations of fake ev-i-dance
And they'll say I'm naïve as a babe to believe
any fable I hear from some Russian transplants

FOX-ily I'll face them and shout all their doubts away
Boldly I'll sing about Bidens in Kyiv
Endlessly I'll open my fat lying mouth and say
conspiracy is really a Democrat sort of a thing

I'm not ashamed to reveal
the unusually delusional illogical feelings I feel

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
a prime example of pure Jewish joy
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not really a goy
Nor can they say I'm Mafiosi
unlike — excuse me! — Nan-cy Pel-osi
Though I don't speak Yiddish
I am not at all skittish
which proves I'm not a goy
I am vain and insane and I go to Ukraine
to ferret out “facts”
what kind of critic says antisemitic
that is how I relax
I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not really a goy

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not really THAT goy

№ 720: I May Have Forgotten To Mention

With revised statement, Sondland adds to testimony linking aid to Ukraine investigations that Trump sought (Paywall)

In a significant revision to his testimony nearly three weeks ago before House impeachment investigators, the U.S. ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland, now says he told a Ukrainian official that security assistance to the country would be likely to resume only if the authorities in Kyiv opened investigations requested by President Trump that could be damaging to former vice president Joe Biden.

In a “supplemental declaration” provided to the House impeachment inquiry Monday, Sondland wrote, “I now recall speaking individually” with a Ukrainian official and in that conversation saying “that resumption of U.S. aid would likely not occur until Ukraine provided the public anti-corruption statement that we had been discussing for many weeks.”

Sondland, a Trump donor turned diplomat, had been seen as a loyalist of the president with a supportive version of events — that Trump was trying to combat corruption broadly in a country that depends on U.S. aid to defend itself against Russian aggression. Sondland’s assertion in a previously released text message to a senior State Department official that Trump didn’t seek “quid pro quo’s of any kind” was seized upon by Republicans to argue that the president had not used the power of his office for personal political gain.

WHOOPS (November 5)

Of course, I wanted something on Biden,
but I never said, “Just make shit up.”
I told Ukraine, “Take what Junior did,
replace his name with Hunter's.
Proof absolute Joe Biden's corrupt.”

I distinctly recall (now) those conversations
where I “suggest” quid quo pro:
Ukraine provides required information.
If not I say where they can go 
shove it (their country). 
Love it. The effrontery.
America made to look great.
The Ukes left to their fate.
In Putin's hands,
they do what he demands
just as he planned
and as he expected 
when he went out and got Donnie elected.

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 687.2: EXTRA! Trump: I'm Just Biden My Time

Trump, Scrutinized Over Interaction With Ukraine, Still Calls for Biden Probe   

The Trump campaign sent supporters an email on Saturday echoing the calls by the president and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to investigate Mr. Biden over widely discredited allegations of impropriety. “What is Joe Biden hiding?” the email read. Mr. Trump in tweets accused Democrats and the media of starting a “Ukraine Witch Hunt.”

SAYITAIN'TSODONNIE (September 22)

Hey, Hunter Biden

wudda ya hidin'?

I know you must be a crook.

I have a fam'bly

and for exam'bly

for crookedness we cooked the book.

My dad was a big shot

(comparatively)

though he never was

as big as me.

I keep his photo

on White House desk.

He's senile and dead,

but I think he's impressed.

And my kids?

Connivers and liars

chips, all, 

off the block.

Had to be. 

Obviously. 

Superior stock.

No one can shame us. . .

Your father's famous,

though not as famous as me.

If he had a show

he'd have ratings SO LOW.

That I can guarantee.

You musta cashed in

and pulled strings to win

seeing' as how you're related to him.

Unless you're a jerk

who actually works.

People like that

drive me berserk.

So stupid. Unwillin'

to make a killin'.

'Fraid someone'll say,

“Him. He's the villain.”

Always deny. Deny and stay calm.

Act like you're in the eye of the storm.

When the dust settles,

when the winds wane,

you point someone out.

“Him you should blame.”

Smirk, pretend innocence,

be free as the breeze.

That is how us

big rats get cheese.

(Roy Cohn always told me

when you're under attack

if what they say is true

hit back and distract.)

Me? I'm as honest as the day is long.

(At the North Pole on Christmas morn.)

Speaking of Christmas

it will be nice

when I am as famous

as Jesus Christ.

There is a man

who knows how to brand

He lives in the desert

but I am more tan

Which, I don't know,

but I would guess

means that I've had

the greater success.