№ 856: Repeal And Displace Revisited

DUCK AND (NON-)COVERAGE (May 13) —
Under TRUMPCARE^®  your coverage depends

entirely upon how much you spend —

your contribution to the economy.

If it's too little, you forfeit autonomy

and can be used in any experiment

for which we need chimpanzees.
If you survive you may well benefit
from acquired immunity to new diseases.

TRUMPCARE^® will advance the health of the nation
while it reduces surplus population.
Please rest assured, whatever occurs,
it will never cure chronic bone spurs.

№ 731: The Base Speaks Up

AGINCOURT (November 21)

Donnie's not guilty. (As we perceive it.)
We are in pain, he helps relieve it.

We have a goal, with him we'll achieve it.

He's doing God's bidding. We really believe it.

Truth is a lie. (As we conceive it.)

Once more undo impeach, dear friends, once more.
O! build THE WALL with Mexicans dead.
Impeach? There's nothing to undo a man
of Donnie's modest humility!
But when the blasted Dems blow in our ears,
they denigrate the action of our liar.
Cialis your sinners! Summon Aryan blood!
Dispise fair nature with shirt-sleevèd rage.
Then lend our neighs a terrible aspect.
Let's pry through the porridge of his head.
Like Steve Bannon, let the brow o'erwhelm it
as fearfully as doth an undarn-èd sock
mock the base's wiggled toes.
O'er swill with plastics wild and wasteful oceans.
Upset the truth and stretch sense wide,
hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
to Morrison height. On, on, you damn-èd GOP,
whose blood is fet from bone spurs war-proof!
Bone spurs that, like so many Alexanders
Department Stores in these parts close-èd
and shuttered, their parking lots empty pavement.
Dishonour all your mothers and now attest
those whom you call'd fathers did regret you.
Be sloppy now you men of grossest blood,
and learn again to whore. And 'pon our showman,
whose spurs did prevent just service, let us 
settle our disaster. Let us wear
hat #MAGA, worthy, unheeding, which I doubt not.
For there is none of us, I mean our base,
that hath not Nobel lustre in our lies.
I see you stand like old whores in their slips,
straining not to fart. The game's afoot:
follow your spirit, and upon this charge
cry ‘Gor blesh the Untie-èd Schtatez and Saint Don!’

№ 715.1: EXTRA! Tilting At Vindman

Firsthand account of Trump’s Ukraine call puts GOP in bind, emboldens Democrats (Paywall)

A top National Security Council official on Tuesday delivered a firsthand account of President Trump pressuring Ukraine to investigate his political rivals, putting congressional Republicans in a bind and emboldening Democrats as they moved toward their first impeachment vote Thursday.

Trump and his allies on TV lashed out at Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who said his concerns about what he heard in Trump’s July 25 call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky drove him to notify his superiors. Trump dismissed Vindman as a “Never Trumper,” while some of his allies questioned the patriotism of the Army combat veteran because his family emigrated from the Soviet Union when he was 3.

Trump’s attack on the Purple Heart recipient unnerved Republicans in Congress, with several pushing back, albeit without naming the president. Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) called the offensive “misplaced and very unfortunate,” and said he had “full confidence” in Vindman “as an individual and his patriotism.”

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 30)

I suspected this guy right from the start.
Where is the paper work for his “Purple Heart”?
Anyway, my heart is red, white and blew.
And, don't forget, I had a uniform, too,
at my exclusive army-like school
where we did drills and marched through hills.
(I couldn't, though. Damned bone spur ills!
Which are the same as wounds in battle.)
This guy is a rat. This guy is a tattle.
This guy is a traitor. This guy is a spy.
Telling the “truth”? You call THAT proof?
Like I always say: the truth is a lie.

№ 495.1: EXTRA! Spurring Partner

NYT : Did a Queens Podiatrist Help Donald Trump Avoid Vietnam? (Paywall)

Elysa Braunstein said the implication from her father was that Mr. Trump did not have a disqualifying foot ailment. “But did he examine him? I don’t know,” she said.

For decades, Dr. Braunstein saw patients in a congested ground-floor office below Edgerton Apartments in Jamaica, Queens, one of dozens of buildings owned by the Trumps in the 1960s.

TCC NEWS EXCLUSIVE! Theatrical Cement Company News, the parent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively obtained the doctor's note future president Donald Trump presented to his draft board which then found him unfit to serve in the military. Some experts declared off the record and not for attribution that if Mr. Trump is still suffering from this painfully serious and totally debilitating condition, it would render him unfit to serve as president.

Dr. Blaustein's note, written on Trump Company stationary,  reads as follows:

Please excuse bearer

from military service

he has bone spurs

and guns make him nervous.

In addition to which

his daddy's a rich

real estate gent

who lowered my rent.

No. 272: Henry VIII, an appreciation by Donald J. Trump (age 15)

TCCN EXCLUSIVE!

Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

* * * * E X C L U S I V E * * * *

Theatrical Cement Company News has exclusively obtained exclusively a poem by President Donald J. Trump written during his stay at New Gurley Military Academy. “Henry VIII, an appreciation” was printed in Spurs & Bones, the New Gurley Military Academy literary magazine, in April 1962 when the future president was a fifteen-year-old sophomore.

As far as TCCN can determine, this is the last time Mr. Trump wrote anything other than his name without paid professional assistance.

I don't see the big deal.

He had sex appeal.
(And sex disease.)

Henry was king.

Kings do as they please.

Girlfriends and wives?

You own their lives.

Catherine of Aragon

wife number one,

from Spain

(or maybe Mexico?),

did not bare a son.

So he divorced her

as was his right regal

and I gotta tell ya

she was illegal —

his dead brother's widow

so Henry's her brother.

(Or something or other.)

Mrs. H. Two?
Oh, Anne Boleyn,

who Henry discovered
was guilty as sin.

After one daughter
and three miscarriages

Henry decided to
undo their marriage.

Wishing her dead,

he lopped off her head

which he could do

being king like I said.

Number three,

Jane Seymour,

gave him his son

then up and died,

son of a gun.

That's how it goes,

you lose some,

you winsome.

Anne of Cleves. . .

bigly mistake!

Portrait was fake.

He pensioned her off.

Give me a break.

Catherine Howard,
wife number five.

Like cheatin' Annie,
she did not survive.

With someone else
she went to bed,

so Henry said,
“Off with her head!”

Known for her looks
Catherine Parr, wife six,
wrote books.
She outlived him.
After her last (fourth!) time
as a bride she died.

These are the sex wives of Henry the Eight

and I gotta tell ya each earned their fate.

He was THE man, they were just women.

Men are important, girls window trimmin'.

When women refuse to stay in their place

sometimes you gotta punch them in their face.