920: Germ Theory

LOOKOUT OUTLOOK (August 11) —

It was only in the late nineteenth century 

that we “discovered” what causes disease.

And yet today we obsess on “God Blessing”

when anyone near us happens to sneeze.

Here’s the thing about germs and us:

we lived together for many millennia.

Okay, they killed us (it was God’s will)

and we developed resistance until

we could kill them with injection or pill.

The final battle has now commenced.

There can be no truce since they have no sense.

And anyway there would be naught to discuss.

The Earth isn't big enough for both of us.

It's bound to be a fight to the end.

Given their numbers, I'd bet on them.

916: Donnie Rates Himself Vs The “Competition”

STATE OF CONFUSION (August 5) —

Their's lotsa presidents lots worsen me.

For one there’s Attila the Hun,

who is president (I think) in Hun-gar-y

where I hear no one has fun.

Then there’s DeGaulle whose nose isn’t small.

Someone said he isn’t Jewish.

And Indira Gandhi who rules in India.

They tell me she’s seen as shrewish.

There’s Carlos (maybe Juan?) something in Mexico

and somewhere, south of there, someone named Pedro.

And those guys in Africa . . . who remembers their names?

And some foreign countries are ruled by dames.

New Australia (I think) is one of them.

And maybe Helsinki whose capital’s Poland.

Wherever I look on the world map,

next to me everyone’s crap.

Except Russia. And, of course, Kim.

When I grow up, I wanna be him.

908: #PWMCT (or PWUNKED 2020)

MINDBOGGLED (July 26) —

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Those words prove my mental acuity.

I remember them, so all agree

nothing whatever's the matter with me.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Biden, hidin’ down in his cellar . . .

very low-IQ kinda fella.

Not a stable genius like me. 

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
I know nothing of history.

Not even who started the GOP.

(A lot of people say it was me.)

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately . . . education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes . . .

— Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest

903: Our Lovely Little Plague (a worst case scenario)

PAST PRISM (July 19) —

The thing no one at all understands,

whether they lean left or right,

either the end of the world is at hand

or it just hove into sight.

A third of the world's people may die —

that's what pandemics can do

when measures against them are insufficient

and incompetent “leaders” haven't a clue.

That little thing back in 1918?

Expired three percent of the globe.

Coronavirus, I fear, aspires

to emulate one of the Great Plagues of old.

One thing is certain:

we've not learned a thing.

Prepare for the curtain,

bada-boom, bada-bing.

Against stupidity the very gods

Themselves contend in vain.

— Friedrich Schiller,
The Maid of Orleans

890: A Pestilential Reverie

DREAMLAND (June 30) — 

This virus must be a Democrat.

It wants to make me look bad.

It is a front. Another witch hunt.

Here's what I say: SO SAD!

Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pil-lousy,

I know these Eye-tal-ian names!

I worked with the Mafia back in New York.

These too aren't the same.

I will not wear a mask.

It would ruin my mood

and get in the way

of my Coke® and junk food.

I always loved the Confederacy.

Still will whatever occurs.

Somebody said Confederate draft boards

issued exemptions for guys with bone spurs.

I'm in the same party as Lincoln.

Not many people know that.

Back in the day, we Republican racists

called ourselves Democrats.

If THEY cheat and I am defeated . . .

well, what has to be just has to be.

However, I have an excellent offer

to be president of the Confederacy.

I can see me carved on Stone Mountain

with Davis and Jackson and Lee.

In time they all fade away,

leaving only the mountain and me.

Time. I have none for the Bible.

And, yet, Christian I am.

Once (maybe twice) I glanced at the index

but, try as I might, I could not find my name.

Who knows how history will see me?

At this point it's too soon to say.

Regardless Rudy, my consigliere,

is paying historians to sign NDAs.

№ 875: QED

UTOPIA (June 9) —

Remember how Rome and Carthage

settled inherent differences?

How the Amalekites and ancient Israelites

came to appreciate each other’s experiences?

How Athens and Sparta found it far smarter

to set aside all their quarrels?

How different religions, countries, ethnicities

never spill blood over ideas or morals?

Though these examples are from one small region,

all the world’s people are equally keen

to come to together in peace and in reason 

because to do otherwise would be obscene.

History's a record of human wisdom.

There is no such thing as racism.

№ 862: Meditations (mark of a realist)

RECKONING (May 21) —

Marcus Aurelius

Jesus was a Socialist.

Giving out free bread and wine?

And his “business” (Jay's Loaves and Fishes?)

never collecting a nickel or dime?

Had Jesus been an entrepreneur,

charging full freight for his services,

then, perhaps, the Sanhedrin and Romans

would not have gotten nearly as nervous.

Had Jesus been a go-along guy,

rendered Cæsar — completely! — his due,

then, perhaps, Pilate would have ignored

the unfortunate fact of his being . . . a Jew.

His coreligionists could have found common ground,

had he, instead of clearing the temple,

spread a peck of shekels around.

(And been a little less temperamental.)

Had Jesus struck a truce with Zeus — 

that guy the Romans called Jupiter — 

would history have taken a different course,

maybe have been a little less stupider?

Nah. Who am I kidding? What are the odds

that there could ever be peaceable gods?

Gods we created in our own image, 

who therefore exculpate our violentest scrimmages

with winners and losers, with vics and perps.

Exacerbate everything. Give 'em the works!

Slings! Arrows! Outrageous fortune!

Ain't no such a thing as out-of-proportion.

We are who we are. We get what we get.

I find it astounding we ain't over. (Yet.)

№ 773: Coogan's Bluff, October 3, 1951*

A SIMPLER TIME (January 19)

Did Branca's pitch and Thompson's home run
change anything in 1951?

In Manhattan 
there were children conceived
as part of the celebration.
Whereas, in Brooklyn 
others got started,
in part, as consolation.

“There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,

rough-hew them how we will. . .”

“Best-laid schemes. . .gang aft agley. . .”

and that will continue until

we can produce cast iron cinches.

But until then, it's a game of inches.

(Having said that, I'll end this rhyme,
noting your “luck” is better if you steal the sign.)

—————————
*Shot Heard 'Round the World

№ 770: Chances Are

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DO OVER (January 14)

(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

We’re in pain, more loss than gain, our future’s past

It was fun, a real good run, it could not last

Our time is up, the piper must be paid

Though we stall, it can not be de-layed

Trump or not, there is no other way,

it’s all over, so long USA

It's not im-mi-grants, un-i-ons or mi-nor-it-ies

Too late, an-y-ways, t’ change pri-or-it-ies

It isn't Bi-bles . . . Je-sus, it ain’t guns

It’s about what natch-er-ly comes

Countries rise and fall, that's hist'ry's way

And the time is up, so good-bye, USA

All mission’ries and sci-en-tists and so-cial-ists

claimin’ t' have answers . . . they are useless pests

Climate change, en-vir-on-ment collapse

These are facts, there is no per-haps

We've taken ev'rything Earth had to give

And it’s all over now, Western Civ


Leave the stepping stones behind there's something that calls for you

All the debts we've left, they are now coming due

The vag-a-bonds now at our border door

are standing in the clothes that we once wore

Drill an-oth-er well, that’s all we do

We're so over now, Red, White and Blue

№ 564: Europa (the good old days)

Story of most murderous people of all time revealed in ancient DNA (Paywall)

Starting 5000 years ago, the Yamnaya embarked on a violent conquest of Europe. Now genetic analysis tells their tale for the first time

“I’ve become increasingly convinced there must have been a kind of genocide,” says Kristian Kristiansen at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden.

Almost all people of European descent can trace their paternal origins back to inhabitants of the Eurasian steppe....these people, known as the Yamnaya, and their descendants travelled across the continent during the Neolithic replacing locals – particularly the men – as they went.

EUROPE, April 1

DNA studies show Europeans

descended from violent invaders,

who, if these studies be true,

efficiently dispatched indigenous males

from Balkans to Finland,

from Turkey to Wales

to Scotland, Ireland,  

to Spain, Scandinavia. . .
indulging in unpleasant behavior.

Our ancient forefathers accomplished these tasks

before we were Celts or Germans or Basques

or Greeks or Slavs or Renaissance Italians

or any more recent rapacious rapscallions.

Long ago we were already barbarian

well before anyone called himself Aryan.

This is why we are as mean as they come,

being descended of murdering scum.

Our DNA serves as grim testimonial

evidence for our successes colonial,

our need to invade, oppress and displace

anyone living in peace anyplace.

If we're in God's image, without thinking twice,

you've got to conclude God is not very nice.

Though it is true, to give Him his due,

God is not European, God is a Jew.

№ 562: Crystal Ball

REAL WORLD, March 28

When you look closely,

you see we're such jerks,

it hard to imagine

that anything works.

Why, for instance,

more cars don't crash

since our abilities

are so slapdash.

Could be our “settling” —

how we make-do —

is the secret ingredient

pulling us through?

Or is it our breeding,

our over producing

children, that prevents

our numbers reducing?

Optimist cite

Homo sapien pluck.

All that I see is

just pure dumb luck.

Call it this, call it that,

I have no doubt,

whatever it is,

it's running out.
Anthropology shows
we too shall pass.
WHATEVER WE DO.
You bet your ass.

№ 534: The Tale Of The Male

We will, we say, “conquer” space.

Someday.

Though in space there is no one to kill.

In days of old, we conquered for gold,

but killing's a much bigger thrill.

Even at home, we can't leave things alone,

we wander over the hill.

We go to visit and if it's exquisite. . .

well, you know the drill.

It is not just “conquer we must”,

nor is it ALL rape and pillage.

Spreading our genes — effectively! — means. . .

well, it takes more than a village.

HISTORY and DESTINY —

what we preach and teach our young nippers —

are overwrought and ought henceforth be thought of

as just names for porn stars and strippers.

№ 519: Ethnic Cleansing Aisle 6?

Nautilus:

You’re Descended from Royalty and So Is Everybody Else

Anybody you can name from ancient history is in your family tree.

You are of royal descent, because everyone is. You are of Viking descent, because everyone is. You are of Saracen, Roman, Goth, Hun, Jewish descent, because, well, you get the idea. All Europeans are descended from exactly the same people, and not that long ago. Everyone alive in the 10th century who left descendants is the ancestor of every living European today, including Charlemagne, and his children Drogo, Pippin, and, of course, not forgetting Hugh. If you’re broadly eastern Asian, you’re almost certain to have Genghis Kahn sitting atop your tree somewhere in the same manner, as is often claimed. If you’re a human being on Earth, you almost certainly have Nefertiti, Confucius, or anyone we can actually name from ancient history in your tree, if they left children. The further back we go, the more the certainty of ancestry increases, though the knowledge of our ancestors decreases. It is simultaneously wonderful, trivial, meaningless, and fun.

Well! Goodness gracious. What are we to do?

We're all of us Christian, Muslim and Jew

and Buddhist, animist and Hindu, too,

and Chinese and French and Native American

and, in addition, we're all sub-Saharan?

The Math says genetically we are a stew?

There's no discreet “me”? There's no discrete “you”?

One single clan

causes all wobbles?

Put history down

to family squabbles?
Despite whatever 
we say or think,
we're in this together?
(Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.)

How could this be?
Math, surely you jest.
Remember the motto
on our family crest?
Whatever — FOR EV-ER! —
delenda est.

[updated 1/29/2019 10:07 am]

№ 380: Improving History — What Donald Would Have Said If Only He Had Been

James Madison:

I see no need for a Constitution.

A President rules by his own absolution.

Ben Franklin:

A republic, if you can keep it.

If it were me, I'd BLEEEEP it.

Thomas Jefferson:

I hold ALL Truths to be withering.
Now let me get on with my slithering.

George Washington:

Someone chopped down a cherry tree?

Honestly, Pops, it weren't me!

Copernicus:
I've known from the moment
I ditched Mom's placenta,
neither Earth nor Sun is,
I am the center.

Jesus:
Oh! My! ME!
Mary Magdalene.
Alla my life,
wherea you been?