№ 781: Peace In Our Crime

JAREDLAND (January 29)

Jared’s incredible Mid East Peace Plan

is one hundred percent gonna work.

And anyone sayin’ it hasn’t a chance

exposes himself as a jerk.

This plan is based on historical precedent

of two peoples living together.

That Israel will be somewhat more powerful

is not a surprise altogether.

Israel will have total control of the land, the air and the water.

Palestinians will have partial authority over their sons, their wives, and their daughters

on reservations which will be destinations 

for planeloads of American tourists

who will buy native handcrafts and take selfie photographs

with these Palestinian “Indians”

who’ll have Jared to thank

for smallpox-laced blankets
premature death and sense of despair
which Trump's Evangelicals and Bibi's land grabbers
see as Biblically fair.
In their corrupt Gospel
it's the only peace poss'ble.

№ 713: Inner Child

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 27)

Donnie do not do details. 

Donnie do not do facts.

Donnie do “hamberders”, Cokes.

Donnie do that to relax.

Donnie do not do exercise.

Donnie no exercise schmuck.

[Donnie do not do anything,
except Donnie cheats or Donnie sucks.]

Donnie not walk.

[Donnie waddle to Donnie golf cart.]

Donnie drink too many Cokes,

then (HA! HA!) Donnie fart.

Donnie rich, Donnie famous.

Donnie like color gold.

Donnie not mad. Donnie not sad.

Donnie not mind being old.

Donnie most sexy he-man.

Donnie draw women like moth

to a flame. [And never a dame

compare Donnie to sloth.]

Donnie not like Jeff Bezos.

[Jeff Bezos REAL billionaire.]

Donnie not like Elon Musk.

Donnie have better hair.

Donnie too good for country.

Donnie too good for world.

Donnie too good for whole universe.

[Donnie live in own world.]

Donnie never read Bible.

Donnie think Bible odd.

Donnie worship Donnie himself.

Donnie know Donnie God.

Donnie do not do spelchek.

Donnie no spelchek knot kule.

Donnie spel how Donnie feelz.

Donnie not liv buy ur rulz.

Nancy Pelosi. Mean, nasty lady.

Donnie do not know why,

Nancy Pelosi real mean to Donnie.

Allatime make Donnie cry.

Someday Donnie birthday big holiday.

Alla world say, “Donnie! Great guy!”

[Also someday, not far away,

Donnie win No Bell and alla pigs fly.]

№ 622.3: EXTRA! Bans Of Sanctimony Announced

US Christian group admits error in petitioning Netflix about Good Omens

The protest group will now redirect its campaign against the ‘evil’ and ‘offensive’ adaptation of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s novel to Amazon, which made it

DETAILS, DE (June 21)

There is a book which mentions the devil
which we think ought to be banned.
It also features witches and sorcerers
and other things Christians can't stand
existing which yet keep persisting
and our holy order continue resisting.
A text with such things is not reliable,
we, therefore, demand banning the Bible.

[corrected 6/21/2019, 5:55 pm]

№ 622.2: EXTRA! Won Ton (Wanton, One Ton, Wantin') Bibles

Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods could lead to a Bible shortage in the US

Publishers say that if Donald Trump’s proposed tariffs of 25% or “much higher”...kicks into effect...Bibles will be made much more expensive in the US.

The overwhelming majority of Bibles in the US are printed in China, according to Christianity Today. China also became the world’s largest Bible publisher in 2012, according to Chinese state news agency Xinhua.

UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES, June 21

China has ripped off our jobs and technology.
Now in addition they've swiped our the theology?
Why is it always we give, they take.
What's next, will they steal our bew-ti-ful cake
claiming Trump gave it to President Xi.
(Another mistake by a talentless rookie.)

[updated 6/21/2019, 2:57 pm]

№ 617: Light To Rife

END OF THE LINE, June 13

Why, if I may be so bold as to ask,

do Evangelicals believe it their task

to fix the world they say their God created?
If God made it, it is — by definition! — without defect,
exactly as you would have to expect 

unless you consider God somewhat overrated.

They say God created the Devil.

(Let's pretend the Bible is on the level,

not old nonsense long ago antiquated.)
Therefore, it must follow in equal portion

that God also created abortion

and stuff and procedures to which abortion's related:

diaphragms, condoms, day after pills —

quick picker uppers to clean up sperm spills,

lest feminine Dems require all men be castrated.

If this purported God hasn't retired

and if He/She really required

every egg-sperm combo to be propagated,

being perfect and powerful, I would have thought

(S)He'd have come with something less fraught

than this packet of nuts who say women, when impregnated,

lose their rights, have no say come what may

and must birth a baby — who cannot be gay! —

and those holding otherwise must publicly be flagellated.

Do these über Christians see God as weak,

needing their help, requiring their pique,

or are these pipsqueaks Biblically uneducated?

The Bible is said to say all sorts of things.

(Some likely say it says pigs have wings.)

But on abortion consistent opinion is not unequivocally stated.

Therefore, I say, “Right-to-Lifers, away!”

Nor that I think this will end the affray

until an asteroid hits and the planet's depopulated.

                          *     *     *

Oh, thrice blest blast bring us perpetual peace,

freedom from Gods, laities, priests.

Pray tell, how soon before this can be consummated,
with everything living in a instant incinerated?
Evangelical lust for dominance will at last be sated
when this inadequate planet's completely obliterated.

№ 613: (Un)original Christians

Against the Christians 
by Porphyry of Tyre
Throughout its first three centuries, the growing Christian religion was subjected not only to official persecution but to the attacks of pagan intellectuals, who looked upon the new sect as a band of fanatics bent on worldwide domination...Prominent among these pagan critics was Porphyry of Tyre (ca. 232-ca. 305 C.E.)...His book Against the Christians (Kata Christianon), was condemned to be burned by the imperial Church in 448. It survives only in fragments... 

— Amazon

SACRED PRECINCTS, June 9

Though Bible tales — floods, apples, whales —
were cribbed from texts aboriginal
(including the sin where we come in!),
still Christians insist they're original.

When they became the center of learning,

Christians naturally turned to book burning,

preferring performing unending encores,
playing the part of the persecutors.

Empowered, religions abjure absolution,

they prefer payback and persecution.

Email subscribers click here.

№ 601: The Devil's Hand Made Tail In GOP

Do Christians view The Handmaid's Tale 
as an instruction manual?
As true as apocalypses
foretold in Daniel*?
Do they think Dems Babaloney magicians,
hell-bent on infringing their buying munitions,
replacing sacred and holy traditions 
with secular, liberal Satanic positions?
For if they do, it would be a shame
and would give Christian religion a very bad name.
Which one could say — had one the nerve —
would be something exceeding well-earned and deserved.
(Though, to be fair — maybe waffle a smidgen —
the same can be said of every religion.)
————————————
*Also see: New World Encyclopedia

№ 593: Genesis 1: 28 - 30 For Dummies

King James Version (KJV)

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

HEAVEN, May 12

Let us prey.

Everyday

murder beasts

for our feasts.

We're God's inheritor,

He made us,
ex-apes,

his apex predator.

Dominion given

over the minions

dictates we treat

creation as meat.

Except the unclean

i.e. human beings

and other pigs

which go well with figs.

№ 577.3: EXTRA! Doctrine Air (an Easter special edition)

GILEAD, April 20

Our preacher tells us THE BIBLE

is ultimate, absolute TRUTH.

Neither he nor we can read the original

so whatever he says is our proof.

We prefer praying to thinking.

There's no need for science with God.

To think otherwise is unseasonable

and is considered a little bit odd.

We see no need for logic.

Logic's like witchcraft. But worse.

The only thing you ever need know

is BIBLICAL chapter and verse.

We are opposed to Sharia.

But. . .since we've no sins to atone. . .

in the event Sharia's imposed,

we'll happily cast the first stone.

All we want is our freedom

to live in accord with God's will.

Those who choose some other way

therefore will have to be killed.

№ 577: Picturing The Deity

HERE AND BEYOND, April 18

When I think of God, I see David Attenborough.
(I'm white.)
If you're Black you may see James Earl Jones.
Or, perhaps, Nelson Mandela.
(But nobody from Game Of Thrones.)

If they know what's good for 'em,
Russians see Putin.
North Koreans, their Trinity Kims.
If they wish to thrive the Chinese see Xi,
although they may not exactly love him.
All the world's people see their leaders as gods.
This could not be. What are the odds?

American Christians see Trump as their Savior,
ignoring his chronic Satanic behavior.
While this point I've no wish belabor,
did not some ONE say, “Love me and thy neighbor?”
Greedy-for-power “BELIEVERS”
speedily into Trump's bed leapt,
knowing full-well there is no commandment,
if he's even heard of it, he's ever kept.

When confronted, they offer “So what's?”
and ignore Jeremiah in re leopard's spots.

№ 576: Grammar, Britannia

Linguists found the world’s “weirdest” languages—and English is one of them

THE ENGLISH SPEAKING WORLD, April 17

Now wait just a damn minute. That is absurd.

English, we know, is God's own true word.

You've heard of THE BIBLE? The real one? King James?

Perhaps you have noticed most of the names

are in ENGLISH! Excepting a fewish

which I am guessing are probably Jewish.

Okay it's translation, but do you dare doubt

God was just waiting for English to sprout

out of old Norse. With a smidgen of French.

(Both of which gibberish give off a stench.)

Although it is “young”, our English tongue 

is uniquely suited when God's praise is sung.

(English angels with blaring klaxons,

every last man-jack a pure Anglo-Saxon.)

The reason for this is not hard to distinguish,
though we recently learned it, God always spoke English.

№ 543: Incredulous Witness

I don't know about you,

but I find it odd —

this misconception,

this transcendent God.

This infinite being,

all good, all powerful,

making a universe,

which is — at best! — dourful.

If you believe

please explain why

God chose a peculiar

number for π

and why Earth's year

inconveniently has

364.2422 days.

Such imprecision

implies lack of vision.

God's Christian followers

somehow conceive

that their God loves them.

Hard to believe.

Given God's “history”,

WHICH THE BIBLE CITES,

no court would grant

God visiting rights.

Face facts, my friends,

there's no need to atone.

Just a natural accident,

we're home alone.

This God notion

must cease and desist.

Still, we could act

as if God exists.

Of course, we will not.
Never have. Never will.
We'll carry on
believing God swill.

№ 513: Yearning For Yesteryear (or take THAT Gillette)

Remember the goodoldaze
that happy time when

wimmin were wimmin
and MEN were REAL MEN

before little girlies

kicked down the door

MEN could tell women
“Down on the floor”

like it says the Bible

and the Quran —

both of which teach

the supremeness of MAN

who was made in God’s image

as we were taught

women were only

an afterthought.

(Which may explain

why, by the way,

so many MEN

are just a bit gay.)

№: 411: Endgame?

Will we ever erase
this idea nugatory:

the notion that “race”

is a real category?

Ethnicity, yes,

language, I guess.

Religion, of course,

's a continuing source

of intercommunal strife.

And nationality

trumps rationality

in most every aspect of life.
Culture's another
terrific divider:
marking distinction between
in- and outsider.
Sex orientation's

dividing nations.
(As if we need
yet more perturbations.)
The Bible says,
“Be fruitful and multiply.”
Instead we divide.
I don't know why.

Would that we could

fast forward the sequel

to that happy day

when everyone's equal.

A world full of equal

sisters and brothers.

(And as Orwell foresaw

some more equal than others?)

Not really relevant, but when Barbra met Elliott.. . .

Email subscribers click here.

№ 362: Get Me Rewrite?

“A lady asked Dr. Franklin, ‘Well Doctor, what have we got a republic or a monarchy?’
‘A republic replied the Doctor. If you can keep it.’” 
— Dr. James McHenry, Maryland delegate to the Constitutional Convention

. . .national constitutions have lasted an average of only seventeen years since 1789.

— The Lifespan of Written Constitutions (2009)

Seventeen years? Goodness gracious, oh my!

Is that time enough for wet ink to dry?

As to the study of Constitutional Law,

you have to wonder whatever for.

Unrevealed “laws” can prove unreliable.

Especially when compared to the Bible,

the Quran, the Vedas and all Dialectics*

which are fixed, irrefutable and less eclectic
views of the place of the human race in Creation, 
a subject still subject to some disputation.

After several millenia of intensive study

our understanding sadly's no better than muddy.

__________________
*Dialectics are, in theory, discussions as opposed to revealed TRUTHS. But try telling that to a dialectician.

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No. 202: Moore's Law

WaPo: ­Woman says Roy Moore initiated sexual encounter when she was 14, he was 32 (Paywall)

Judge Moore is a Christian

there is no doubt

on State Supreme Court

he gave a shout-out

to the Ten Commandments

and said he be damned if

an Alabama court clerk

would let gay marriage work.

While sex abuse must be condemned,

Roy just abused girls as the Good Lord intends.

No. CL.i: EXTRA! RIP GOP?

Globe And Mail: Trump’s politics of wrath leaves GOP in shambles (Paywall)

Large numbers of Republicans would dearly love to desert their leader...But if provoked by signs of rebellion, it is not inconceivable that Mr. Trump would split with the party and run under a new conservative banner. That's a development that...would kill the GOP.

Hey, GOP, you down in the dumps
because you elected Donald J. Trump?
Come off it, what's with the weeping.
Seeds sown. That's what you're reaping.
You say the Bible
is always reliable,
but there's a lesson you don't appreciate:
GOD, I mean Donald, does not negotiate.
On deck all hands
is what HE demands.
Elections are fine, but listen my Brethern
your "Good Book" speaks of the KINGDOM of heaven.
If democracy is really your thing,
why nominate a wannabe king?

[Updated: September 8, 2017, 8:07 p.m.]

No. CXXXIX: Today's Crystal Balling Appalling And Galling

not content with being third-rate
Trump's out to create a great big failed state
his how-to-repair-what-ails-ya
is like Maduro's in Venezuela
disband legislature co-opt the courts
(while he golfs at his resorts)
to renew the country remake it pristine
he'd make like Duterte in The Philippines
making America double-plus greater
shooting first he'd ask questions later
or never
whatever

like Best-Friend-4ever Tsar Vlad
those who oppose make him "so sad"
but unlike that cagey B-minus guy
Trump can't rely on his FBI
to fix things by bumping folks off
("my kingdom for his Kalashnikov")
if Vlad gifts Trump a gun
it's open season on everyone
Trump bold
with "Kalash"* gold
lots of luck
WTF

duck

one alternate fate
"evangelical caliphate"
setting Constitution aside
the Bible our infallible guide
kept as a remnant
the second amendment
or if Xi Jinping fails to prevail
upon North Korea to lower their sail
then avoiding a nuclear boom 
depends on sanity of Kim Jong Un
which means doom
I assume

you think things are bleak
just wait'll next week
debt ceiling/budget
fudge it
_____________
*Russian slang for Kalashnikov type rifles — Wikipedia

No. LXVII: Sharia (and Sharia alike), a "Christian" perspective

Sharia Law
should give pause
because
it's like ours

abortion verboten
divorce discouraged
false faiths disparaged
no intermarriage

Quran and Bible
both fine with slavery
(and other things
non-believers call knavery)

forget democracy

Quran and Bible
demand theocracy

women's rights
are a bit different
(because Bible enforcement is. . .insufficient!)

LGBT choice
if you ask a true Christian
you'll find he parrots Quran's position

oh, multiple wives
(like old-timey Mormons)
most Christian guys
would happ'ly conform in

so no need to bother
don't bother to fuss
Muslims aren't different from us

if it's our turn again

on the back of the bus

what's to discuss