891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

№ 829: Jared (an appreciation)

THE BEAST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS (April 6) —

JARED IS a super hero.

He gave us Middle East peace.

Any ability he doesn't “own”,

you may be sure he can borrow or lease.

Remember how he solved infrastructure

and never dirtied his hands?

How he simplified government structure,

doing away with all legal demands?

Jared rules the Department of Justice,

though he is not a lawyer.

Jared can stick his nose anywhere

because he married the boss's daughter.

Jared fixed the NAFTA imbalance,

so now trade with Mexico's fair.

(Even though nothing much changed,

but, happily, Donnie remains unaware.)

Jared (totally) froze Christie out

of the administration

to which all America applauded as one

so show their appreciation.

Jared is in charge of THE WALL

and overall immigrant policy

even though — how can I put it? —-

his history is rather  George Wallacey.

Jared is, by far, Donnie's favorite.

After all, Ivanka's a girl.

To be fair, compared to Eric and Junior,

Jared seems like a pearl.

Jared will cure coronavirus.

This will assure that the Trump empire is

in perfect position for reelection.

(Ignoring US's Greatest Depression.)

Jared is brilliant, forthright, and brave.

What might he accomplish once he starts to shave?

№ 760: Ivanka's Song

‘What an insult’: CES names Ivanka Trump as keynote speaker
Consumer-electronics trade show’s invitation of Donald Trump’s daughter draws outrage after years of overlooking women in tech


Email subscribers click here.

THE IMPERIAL PALACE (December 31)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

If I had a different dad,
I don't think you'd ever have known me
but as it is, I studied his biz
and copied what daddy's shown me
I use his name, I use his “fame”.
I trade on his phony-baloney
My skills are nil, but no one cares. . .still
I do all daddy's shown me
Yes, I do what daddy's shown me
which is — all of it! — bad,
Yes, I do what daddy has shown me
Da da da, da da da, da da da
So, maybe, before you enthrone me, 
which daddy tells ya is swell. . .
if we do what daddy's shown me
this, sure as hell, does not end well

[updated 1/1/2020 6:32 am to change non-functioning music link]

№ 712.1: EXTRA! The Well-Trod Path

Trump Cancels Subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post (Paywall)

In 1962, John F. Kennedy, apparently fed up with the coverage of The New York Herald Tribune, decreed that copies of that newspaper would no longer be delivered to the White House. His press secretary, Pierre Salinger, after initially ignoring the president’s repeated requests to cancel the paper, eventually acquiesced and announced that Kennedy would instead read The St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

THE GOLD PATE HOUSE (October 25)

Just following President Kennedy's precedent

is what Donnie's doing as White House resident.

Jawboning  businesses and any others

until they back down and he has him his druthers.

If Times  and Post would stop being solemn

and paid a lot to Ivanka for a daily column. . .

Still, Donnie is right. Why should he read

anything, anytime, ANYWHERE  not guaranteed

to confirm his feeling he's better than best

lest he be left bereft and depressed?

(Though his body is agile, his ego is fragile.)

Let's let Donnie do his hat-tip/shout-out

and sit back and watch how it turns out.

№ 710: Donnie: An Appreciation

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DONNYFANWORLD (October 22)

(with apologies to Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim)

Our Donnie is perfect you give him the ball and

all he can do is throw strikes

His Twitter account (as everyone knows)

daily sets records with all of the “likes”

Our Donnie is perfect

Donnie, by far, has the biggest brain

brain scientists have ever seen

though damn dumb Democrats claim he's insane

LIB'RELS are always just nasty and mean

Our Donnie is big-brained

Don-nie, you are the best

we've said all along

you are thrice-blest

Ig-nore those Democrat pests

all of their broads

have teeny breasts

Though you are the best
we have to confess

we feel some distress and dismay

Ivanka, your daughter,

you orta deport her

because who she married. Oi vay!

Oh, Don-nie, deport her today

№ 692.3: EXTRA! Down In The (Frankie Laine) Valley Of The Ukraine

Transcript of Donnie's meeting with Ukraine's comedian/president.

Email subscribers click here.

TIPPITY-TOP CLASSIFIED (September 28)

(with apologies to Johnny Lange, Hy Heath, Ramblin' Tommy Scott and Fred Glickman)

Hi ya, hi ya.
Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

ya tell me what you're hidin'
'bout Joe and Hunter Biden
then I will sell you missiles
if the blowers do not whistle
I can help prevent disruption
to your usual corruption
We'll get along, get along.

Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

ya give what I need then I'll
listen while you wheedle,
provide you weapons scary
to confront Putin's mil-
itary aggression
an' if you make concessions
we'll get along, get along.

Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

you are really glad that
I am such a badass
which I believe you orta,
have you met my daughter?
I will help you pack
when Vlad Putin attacks you
So go along, we'll get along.
We'll get along, get along.
Ukraine.
Hi ya, hi ya.
Hi ya, hi ya.

№ 692.1: EXTRA! A Donnie Daydream (hey, nonny, hey nonny, hell no)

FAN TIZZY ISLAND (September 27)

This Brexit stuff has got me thinkin'.

Why can't Ivanka be queen of Inklan?

Inklan's an island. Why can't I buy it?

Divide Windsor Palace into luxury “flats”?

My famblie's as Royal an even more German.

Plus we are also Scots, two.

I bet my man Rudy could somehoe figure 

the Inklish queen should be a Jew.

Not that my daughter is actually J-ish,

I'm sure it's only a stage.

I, myself, did a bunch of dumb stuff

when I was exactly her age.

Inklan's got gold and incredible wealth.

Maybe I should be queen their myself.

№ 692: Jack And Donnie (And Liz?)

TOMORROWANDTOMORROWANDTOMORROW (September 26)

JFK told us, “Shoot for the moon”

while he, himself, worked the bed-room.

He was a phony, but it was inspiring.

Donnie's more “honest”. And very tiring.

Both blatantly lied about being healthy.

Jack was more modest about being wealthy.

Both chided news outlets. Which condemnation

was duly rewarded with fan approbation.

The Herald Tribune, I fear, is no longer.

CNN, it appears, is a wee tiny bit stronger.

Neither Jack nor Donnie was what you could call “qualified” —

I wonder did THAT EVER matter? 

Although everything Kennedy's foreign to me. . .

Forced to pick? Reluctantly Jack, over the latter.

Elizabeth Warren now sits in Jack's place,

warming his seat in the Senate. If
we were to replace Donnie with Liz,

I wonder what would be the benefit?

Going from dumb ass to over-the-top?

One thing's for damn sure, this has to 🛑.

If Donnie loses — please, let it be so! —
you have to wonder, would he actually go?
Would he try to hang on — on some pretense
that, even to FOX, does not make sense?
Would FOX proclaim how this hard lesson,
has now secured Ivanka's succession?

№ 660: Another Late Night Musing Over Big Macs And Fries

THE VERY WHITE HOUSE (August 13)

Should I ask Ivanka, “Would be okay
if I give a pardon to my pal O. J.,
tell Rudy attitude-y, ‘Hey there, Rudolf,
bring me THE JUICE’, whup his black ass at golf.”?

His problem. . .O. J. got too big for his britches.
Nobody told him you don't kill ex-bitches.
First (maybe) no-necks, “Hey, lady, lay off!”
Then you send Cohen to pay them off.

I always thought O. J. was nice. . .
cudda got off. . .with my advice.
Bribery, okay, maybe not my best plan.
But murder's a worse one.
Whatever,
you don't EVER 
do it in person!

№ 648.1: EXTRA! Kushner Rats Out Donald

Kushner owns lots of Baltimore-area apartments. Some are infested with mice. (Paywall)

. . .in Baltimore County. . .presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner owns more than a dozen apartment complexes that have been cited for hundreds of code violations. . .

WHOOPS CITY, MD (July 29)

Sometimes mice can be very nice.
Sometimes they're Orthodox Jews.
Who, if you please, do not eat meat with cheese,
despite what you read in FAKE NEWS.
(Jared always screams bloody murger
whenever I make him eat a cheeseburger.)

I never said rodents are always opponents.
Many are family and friends.
My various brats I thought of as rats
and considered them just odds and ends.
Ivanka though not. My God, she is hot!

№ 618: Liberal Incivility (or having it both ways)

HERE AND NOW AND THEN, June 16

Hypocritical liberals have been known to neglect
one aspect of knee-jerk political correctness.

When they mention the president they get a thrill

pointing to proofs he’s mentally ill.

They do not feel (at all) ill at ease

speaking of his disabilities —

his movements arthritic, his brain syphilitic,

his need for treatment psychoanalytic.

(Unfair. Though true. Still, I say, too critical.)

Sarah Sanders, they smirk, dresses sloppy

while providing FAKE media hilarious copy.

Kellyanne’s cool chick look they ridicule shrilly,

insisting she's too old and looks awfully silly!

Which, I must say, is simply mean.

Though she’s 52, she looks like a teen

smartly dressed up as a Trump hotel tart.

(Except for the wrinkles, she could play the part.)

They love how Mnuchin is such a goof

and Pence’s Puritanism is easy to spoof.

And poor Wilbur Ross, who they love to scold.

If only because he’s stupid and old.

Her Highness Ivanka and Eric and DJ

on late night TV are constantly harried.

(To say nothing of Jared — unrelated
by blood, he's merely married.)

Desist, I say, all you sniveling Liberals.

Try to be nice. Try to be civil.

Turn your cheek and be meek when Donald attacks.

Do not mind him. Be kind. Do not hit back.

Whatever we do, he'll continue amiss,

while I with my quill will write rhymes like this.

№ 609.1 EXTRA!: Bigotry In The Eye, Ear, Nose, Throat and Craw

Jared Kushner says President Donald Trump is “absolutely not” a bigot or a racist

Kushner struggled to answer questions about allegations of racism facing Trump while being interviewed by Axios

TRUTH NEVER LANSDS, June 4

That Donald's no bigot cannot be news

He has, over time, met bootblacks and Jews.

(He always says, “Black folks think I'm so fine

I don't stand on no line when I wants me a shine!”)

Though he and Dad Fred would not rent to blacks

they hired Jewish accountants to fiddle their taxes.

(Some of whom, so it's been said,

did such a good job that they got paid.

As for divorce. . .Jewish lawyers. Of course.

He respects how these lawyers know where they're goin',

though now he prefers a Cohn to a Cohen.

I mean, after all, is he really to blame

for thinking all Jewish lawyers the same?

His daughter, Ivanka, is Jewish Orthodox,

but he absolves her because she's a fox.

And while we are on the subject of hotties,

Trump's a great pal of Bibi's near Nazis.

№ 605.1: EXTRA! Ho Hum (another day at the Oval Orifice)

Bannon described Trump Organization as 'criminal enterprise', Michael Wolff book claims

Former White House adviser says financial investigations will take down president in sequel to Fire and Fury

The former White House adviser Steve Bannon has described the Trump Organization as a criminal entity and predicted that investigations into the president’s finances will lead to his political downfall, when he is revealed to be “not the billionaire he said he was, just another scumbag”.

The startling remarks are contained in Siege: Trump Under Fire, the author Michael Wolff’s forthcoming account of the second year of the Trump administration.

THE NEW IMPROVED SWAMP, May 29

Now let us handle 

another Trump scandal.

(He'll say it's “very unfair”.)

Say what you will

about this shrill shill,

you have to admit

he's got some pair.

Away to the dumpster

with Cosa Trumpster.

Break out all the sump pumps.

Vaccinate everyone

against Trump Mumps.

Call it THE POX.

(Except on FOX.)

Crime, if you please,

is Trump's “family” disease.

Did Junior sneeze?

Did Eric wheeze?

Ivanka, as always,

cannot be appeased.

I mean Geez Louise,

high time we stopped 

being chumps

dump all the Trumps,

get off the fence,

with sad reluctance

inaugurate Pence

and speak of liberty

in the past tense. 

[updated 5/29/2019 12:40 pm]

№ 578: Fathers And Daughters

THE SWAMP, April 21

            Donald And Ivanka

Ivanka Trump

whose daddy's a crook.

(A ginormous bigly one.

He “wrote” the book.)

Ivanka, in consequence, does not know truth.

That is not how she was brought up.

Look who she married, if you need further proof.

She learned to lie and cover stuff up.

Father and daughter,
conniving liars.
Doing whatever
the moment requires.

         Mike And Sarah 

Does Sarah Sanders not know right from wrong?

After all she's Mike Huckabee's daughter.

Even with everything else going on,
he is a preacher and ought to have taught her.

Did Sarah say, Daddy, may I work for Donald?”

If she did, how could he have let her?

I suppose both believe God works in strange ways.

(So does the Devil and the pay's better.)

Father and daughter
selling their souls,
playing at martyr

for policy goals.

№ 567: Agent Orange — Trump 2020 Stump Speech (a preview)

Email subscribers click here.

INSIDE DONALD'S MEDULLA, April 4

You know, folks, Karl Darwin tells lotsa lies.
Says he sees Kapital's impending demise
in this Oranges Species Communist Manifest
evolving worker and peasant unrest.
Well, I'll tell you. I'm not being funny. . .
workers and peasants don't have my money
because the fact is, dumb bastards pay taxes.
Who cares anyway what peasants say
and replaceable workers are in the way
of we fantastic billionaire builders
who are so successful that it bewilders
schmucks with brains by FOX fermented,
making them even more discontented
driving them to vote GOP
making it certain they'll reelect me
who they adore,
Donaddled Trump,
for four years more.

After me, eight years of Ivanka.
Dead German dad (Fred)
would have said, „Danke“.

№ 533: Fact To The Future?

To celebrate the last Presidents' Day, The Daily Doggerel rented Doc Brown’s DeLorean for a trip to the year 2050. As it turns out, 2050 is not so very different from today. Hotter, of course. Florida and all the world’s coasts are under water. World population is estimated to be about one billion. (Hard to get a handle on that sort of thing since there are no longer any governments, though someone claiming to be a reincarnation of Mel Gibson is rumored to be working to restore order.) However, we were able to access Wikipedia which, strangely, has been rewritten in rhyme. (Something we started?) The following is Wikipedia’s summary of their article on Donald Trump.

Donald Trump was an Ivy League GENIUS,

he went to Wharton at Penn

which he chose over Harvard or Dartmouth,

Cornell, Columbia, Brown, Princeton, Yale when

he picked a college to teach him the knowledge

which, of course, he already knew

of how to succeed (spoilers: it’s greed

and cheating as Daddy Fred Trump taught him to).

Daddy Fred taught Donald to lie and to rob,

but his post-grad instruction was Roy Cohn’s job.

Roy Cohn, Esq., his adult mentor,

showed him the back door to power,

decades before he married Ivanka

whom he entombed in his tawdry tower.

Roy taught him to fight until he prevailed,

before dying of AIDS and thereby failed

to live to see his protégé nailed

by Robert Mueller, impeached and enjailed.

№ 470: Trump On The News Of The Day, November 20, 2018 (and not)

WSJ: Trump Stands With Saudi Arabia, Plays Down Crown Prince’s Alleged Role in Journalist’s Killing

The president says, ‘maybe he did and maybe he didn’t!’

WSJ: House Democrats to Investigate Ivanka Trump’s Email Use

The House Oversight Committee will probe her use of a private email account to conduct official government business, the panel’s senior Democrat said

WSJ: Saudi Arabia Accused of Torturing Women Activists in Widening Crackdown on Dissent

Women’s-rights activists lashed and given electric shocks in prison; at least one tried to commit suicide

NYT: Trump Wanted to Order Justice Dept. to Prosecute Comey and Clinton (paywall)

NPR: President Trump Pardons 2 Thanksgiving Turkeys*

It makes me so sad 

how that guy met his fate.

Did Jared's pal order it?

It's a debate.

Who to believe?

Who is to say?

His Royal Highness

or @failedCIA?

Anyway, seems to me,
at end of day,
he was asking for it
when he got in the way.

He was fake news,
this Islamist.
Jeff Bozos' Amazon's
opinion impostor.
WaPo's Arab terrorist.

The Muslim Brotherhood's

own Jim Acosta.

I am “sad” he's dead,
but I look ahead
to weapon sales
and important details
of my cunning plan
to mess with Iran
with Saudi proxy.
Goddamn, I'm foxy!

       *  *  *

Rethinking Hillary's

email private server:

problem is in

eye of observer.

Ivanka did same thing

but I, as her Dad,

just gotta tell you

her's wasn't bad.

When she is bad

she gets a spanking

the thought of which. . .

____ ___ __ _______.

[Write your own last line. “Knocking off” early for Thanksgiving here at The Dog. 

Happy Holiday Merry XMAS?]

_________________
*not Don Jr. and Eric

№ 392: Forwards Runs Senescence Until Reveals The Mind

The Trumpublican Party now and forever —

no man-made activities affecting the weather! —

will proclaim always “America First”

come hell (in TIME) or high water 
from glaciers and cloudbursts.

It's only fair to pollute the air

if it results in a profit.

As to the water —

have you seen my daughter? —

I drink Diet Coke. I do not care.

I love the flag

and I love coal.

I have to brag

I'm not growing old.

I LOVE Viagra.

I don't need a soul.

Souls make no sense.

Just look at Pence!

There was NO “COLLUSION”! —

lock her up, lock her up.

Funny name, Mnuchin.

Yo', bro, wassup?

Us billionaires 

are fixed for life.

(Guy looks like that,

with such a hot wife?)

Glad Ryan's retirin'.

You would be, too.

Last thing I need:

a three-percent Jew.

Jared, Ivanka?

I know, I know.

I think they do it

bigly for show.

My Evangelicals?

We'll see, we'll see.

What good is God 

when you're got me?

№ 354: An Inside Scoop

USA Today: Trump's team accuses Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of stabbing him in the back

WASHINGTON — Trump administration officials on Sunday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of stabbing President Trump in the back, blaming him for the president's refusal to endorse a joint statement with other world leaders.

If you're wondering what

caused Donald Trump's Canada,

airborne, melt-down hissy fit,

now it can be told

our investigative reporters'

anonymous sources

have got us right to

the bottom of it.

Here is the deal,

we now can reveal

what Donald was thinking of.

Which before this

no one had even an inkling of.

You know what Sam Bee (accurately?)

called Ivanka, Crown Princess Trump?

You can bet your ass,

Daddy would not let that pass

with only a grunted, “Hrumpf!”

When Donald discovered

Ms. Bee is Canadian

a Niagara of anger 

started cascading in.

While Donald does care

when you mock his hair

and his teeny (too grabby) paws,

you must realize

if you criticize 
Ivanka,

HE'S DECLARING WAR!

[Updated 6/12/2018 1:38 am]