Showing posts with label Canada. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Canada. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

№ 870: Chicxulub II (local impact)

WORLD'S END (June 2) —
On Wall Street today, the DOW advanced
despite the meteor that destroyed France,
the low countries, Denmark, and Germany,
somewhat disrupting the EU economy.
Sweden and Switzerland said that, as neutrals,
it was their wish to do something useful.
And in the Kremlin, Putin smiled ruefully
saying that Russia would always act “fruitfully”.
In China, Xi said, quoting Mao,
“Europe never mattered that much anyhow.”
The rest of East Asia offered advice
on how many survivors could subsist on rice.
Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan
proposed a joint camel aid caravan.
No one in Africa, from north to south,
paid any heed because of the drought.
In Latin America there were revolutions
but no halt to deforesting or to pollution.
In the Mid East there was a brief pause,
then they went back to their forever wars.
Canadians offered their “deepest sympathy”
and asked what the Queen would take with her tea.
The rest of the world could not care or bother,
concerned with the stuff they do to each other. 

While in DC, Trump remained aloof,
arms crossed, frowning, demanding proof,
tweeting, “I think it is all just a plot
to make me look bad.” (He says that a lot.)

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

№ 769: Au Canada?


Email subscribers click here.

SOMEDAY SOON (January 13)

(with apologies to Ian Tyson)

There’s a crass man we all know
his name is Donald Trump
comes from Queens
in New York City
If he makes you nervous
it shows you’re not a chump
Someday soon, he may kill us
someday soon

Dem-o-crats can't stand him
because he’s de-struct-o
Republicans believe he is 
The Messiah
and let him get away with things
even though they know
he very well may kill us
someday soon

But, maybe, come the fall
we can make him go away,
elect someone almost as bad,
but in a different way

So, fingers crossed, here's hopin’
the country isn’t done
who really wants to move up north and be near Meg-han 
Neither she nor Harry
mean anything to me
Dump the Pantaloon (if only),
someday soon


But, maybe, come the fall
we will make him go away,
elect someone almost as bad,
but in a different way

So, fingers crossed, here's hopin’
the country isn’t done
who really wants to move up north and be near Meg-han 
Neither she nor Harry
mean anything to me
Dump the Pantaloon (please God,
someday soon)
Dump the Pantaloon (please God,
someday soon)

Friday, August 16, 2019

№ 662.2: EXTRA! It's Not Easy Being Greenland

Danish politicians dismiss US president’s apparent interest in island as ‘hopefully a joke’

THE GREAT WHITE NORTH (August 16)


When I buy Greenland, we'll have Canada cornered,
surrounded by us and the ice,
which someone told me's supposed to melting.
A Maple Leaf state would be nice.
(It'd be just one state. I hafta inform ya
they have fewer people than California.)
With Arctic Ocean now fit for sailing,
think of the shipping. Think of the whaling.
I see my flag proudly unfurled. 
Canada, Greenland. TOMORROW THE WORLD.
I'll be showered with praise, inundated with thanks.
I'll borrow the money from Deutsche Bank.


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

№ 524: No Wall? ¡No hay problema! (how tweet it is)

3:15 A.M.
If Dems are two stupid too fund my wall,
we never will have safer boarders.
Immigration will be come-one-come-all
if Congress does not follow orders.

3:33 A.M.
Fortunately, a genuis like me
can quickly come up with a nifty Plan B.
Digging carnals both South and North
making us into an island henceforth 
like in Australia and (most of) U.K.
I sing Berder King: have it my way!





Tuesday, June 12, 2018

№ 354: An Inside Scoop


WASHINGTON — Trump administration officials on Sunday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of stabbing President Trump in the back, blaming him for the president's refusal to endorse a joint statement with other world leaders.

If you're wondering what
caused Donald Trump's Canada,
airborne, melt-down hissy fit,
now it can be told
our investigative reporters'
anonymous sources
have got us right to
the bottom of it.

Here is the deal,
we now can reveal
what Donald was thinking of.
Which before this
no one had even an inkling of.

You know what Sam Bee (accurately?)
called Ivanka, Crown Princess Trump?
You can bet your ass,
Daddy would not let that pass
with only a grunted, “Hrumpf!”

When Donald discovered
Ms. Bee is Canadian
Niagara of anger 
started cascading in.

While Donald does care
when you mock his hair
and his teeny (too grabby) paws,
you must realize
if you criticize 
Ivanka,
HE'S DECLARING WAR!

[Updated 6/12/2018 1:38 am]

Friday, October 13, 2017

No. CLXXIX: Trump's Afta NAFTA (NO Canada!)

Trump ordered his Depart-
ment of Interior
to take from Canada
all Lake Superior.
(For obvious reasons his favorite Great Lake
which, therefore, he's entitled to take
for his and America's sake),
“Tack it on to Wisconsin,”
(they voted for him), 
not Minnesota!” 
(where he didn't win),
saying, “If Trudeau 
wants to take issue,
say, 'Oh, Boo-hoo',
and hand him a tissue.
I 'll be back later 
to take Lake Huron.
So, Rex Tillerson, 
now who's the moron?
Ontario, Erie? 
Oh, what the hell?
While I'm here, 
I'll take them as well.
Part, now I think of it, 
of my grand design.
I mean, does Canada 
need all this shore line?
And, while I'm at it,
oh what the heck,
I'll take it all,
except Quebec,
which I'll extinguish
and make 'em speak English...
teach 'em t' tawk,
call it Noo Nort' Noo Yawk!”