№ 551: A Letter To A Neighbor

Dear Mexico,

In the event you haven’t heard,

you’re presently bordering on the absurd

notion the nation directly next door

is building a wall from shore to shore,

from gulf to gulf to the Pacific,

which, in specific, is a horrific

waste of time and squandering of money

which you, doubtless, find exceedingly funny —

that this guy (Trump) has the pure gall

to say that you will pay for his wall.

As the rest of the world laughs off their asses,

this is the way America passes,

abandoning sanity and common sense

trumpeting Trumpian incompetence,

handing the future to the Chinese.

What can Mexico do in times such as these?

Breed your Chihuahuas with their Pekingese.

Truly yours,

the formerly great American state,
which, following England, became second rate

№ 542: The Unneeded Scheme

The walls fall: prototypes for Trump's southern border barrier come down

A worker passes a partially demolished border wall prototype during demolition at the border between Tijuana, Mexico, and San Diego on 27 February 2019. Photograph: Gregory Bull/AP

Demolition comes the same week that the House voted to block Trump’s national emergency declaration 

(with apologies to Joe Darion and Mitch Leigh)

Email subscribers click here.

To build this unneeded dumb wall,
to screw all the people I know,
to never repay what I borrow,
see Vietnam where, when young,
I would not go.
To watch prostitutes piss in thongs,
to grab all the pussy I can,
to lie until all eyes glaze over,
to boff a famous porn star.
This is my quest.
You say, “You're bizarre.”
You say, “You're shameless,
you amateur tsar!
To incite the far right
to violate laws,
to drive the country
to hell
to hear NAZI applause.”
But I know
if I'll only be true
to this infamous quest
that no one
will note or catch on
when I try incest.
And I know I'll be
famous for this.
Forget porn.
Forget I'm Putin's moll.
Because U.S.
Congress lacks courage,
I will build my damned Mexico wall.

№ 524: No Wall? ¡No hay problema! (how tweet it is)

3:15 A.M.
If Dems are two stupid too fund my wall,
we never will have safer boarders.
Immigration will be come-one-come-all
if Congress does not follow orders.

3:33 A.M.
Fortunately, a genuis like me
can quickly come up with a nifty Plan B.
Digging carnals both South and North
making us into an island henceforth —
like in Australia and (most of) U.K.
I sing Berder King: have it my way!

№ 340: Fears Its Self

What Donald fears:

where to begin?

We do know for certain

he does not like gin.

And for all that,

all alcohol.

Matter of fact,

he can't stand it all.

Germs? For certain.

Add those to his list.

Tho' history shows

no problem with trysts.

Bodily fluids — especially blood —

make him turn bluish

and fall with a thud.

This Brit tabloid story

boldly declares

Donald may have

a problem with stairs.

Also with slopes!

(NO, not “Orientals”!)

which prey on his mind

whilst amidst Occidentals.

That he fears (and needs) women

is not something new.

A review of his life

shows this to be true.

We can assume

that he would rather

not be seen as senile

as was his father.

Sharks, evidently,

perturb his brain.

Which brings to mind

Roy Cohn. Again!

(Cohn, as you know,

was his gay father figure

who taught him to always

be quick on the trigger

and when you're hit

hit back harder and bigger

lest you occasion 

people to snigger.

Better to be 

seen as a tool

than to let anyone

think you a fool.)

He constantly wonders

who might poison his food, 

and drinks with both hands

in the interlude.

We know he fears Mexicans —

AND the Chinese.

(Though certainly not

“the birds and the bees”.)

He may fear Alec Baldwin

and SNL.

Does he? As he would say,

“We'll see, time will tell.”

Does he fear Mueller?

Does he fear Congress?

Does he fear Putin?

The last is my guess.

To sum it up, Donald,

indeed and forsooth,

there is nothing to fear.

Except the TRUTH.

No. 315: Foreign Policy (subject to change without prior notice or, honestly, thought)

NYT: Trump Declines to Add Sanctions Against Russians, Contradicting Haley (Paywall)

WASHINGTON — President Trump rejected, for now at least, a fresh round of sanctions set to be imposed against Russia on Monday, a course change that underscored the schism between the president and his national security team.

Putin's no crook from what I can tell.

And anyway I want a Moscow hotel.

So take your damned sanctions and you go to hell.

Vlad is a lad (as I've said all along)

who knows how to govern, how to be strong.

The best we can do is just play along.

Okay, so maybe he seizes Crimea.

But what does that matter to you and to me, huh?

None of our business from what I see. Yuh.

And Eastern Ukraine? Don't be a pain.

Who cares if they lose so long as I gain?

Let the damned place go down the drain.

I am everyday wearier of this business with Syria.

Intel briefings drag on, my eyes get blearier

and I order snacks from the cafeteria.

High tariffs for China? What could be finer?

And it plays well in South Carolina.

(Driver, pull over, let's stop at that diner.)

Rocketman Kim's ridiculous trim

will be standing on end when I'm finished with him

and that will be just a prelim

to what I do on the Mexican border

to teach those Ponchos to behave as they orta.

I would not let one of THEM marry my daughter!

And here's a news flash that'll knock off your socks:

I'm outsourcing policy to my Friends at FOX.

So, you got a problem? Go see the Murdochs!

No. 285.1: EXTRA! Jared Goes South (unaccompanied minor)

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Senior adviser to U.S. President Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, will visit Mexico on Wednesday and meet President Enrique Pena Nieto, amid strained relations over trade and Trump’s demands that Mexico pay for a border wall.

“I see it as one of the few things of consequence that he can do that don’t require security clearance,” said Agustin Barrios Gomez, a former federal congressman and head of the working group on the future of U.S.-Mexico relations at the Mexican Council on Foreign Relations.

— Reuters: Kushner to visit Mexico after Trump tirades, testy phone call

Will this class trip meet with success?

After downgrade does Jared have GPS?

With Mueller now seemingly hot on his trail,

will he stay in Mexico to avoid jail?

Will Mexico greet him with kisses and hugs?

On the trip back will he smuggle drugs?

With Donald floundering gasping for air,

will Mexico care that Jared is there?

No. 256: Donald John

Another Vision in another Dream. Another Fragment. More so. (Less so?)

(with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

In Washington did Donald John

(demented to the nth degree)

where Potomac, dirty river, ran

(channel 7 on C-SPAN)

  to pollute the troubled sea,

tripping round, his mind unsound,

dream of walls layed 'pon the ground

down amidst the Tex-Mex hills

miraculously cost-free.

Mexico would foot the bill

for reasons only he could see.

No. 196: The Neanderthal Wall

...what we know about basic ecology principles and the gradual human migration into [Eurasia] is sufficient to explain why the Neanderthals disappeared.

WaPo: Humans didn’t outsmart the Neanderthals. We just outlasted them. (Paywall)

Another reason for building our wall!

We don't want wind up Neanderthal:

those cousins who were first to inhabit

what we regard as our home on the planet,

who, stupidly, leaving the front door wide open

allowed our long leg-ged forebears to lope in

acting like they were some kinda guests —

don't hafta tell ya, you know the rest:

a few thousand years after we faced 'em,

they were “all gone”. We had erased 'em.

The American Experiment
on a New Continent:
WE WERE HERE FIRST!

Well...maybe second,

but that doesn't matter

the way that we reckon.

Mestizos from Mexico

just hafta go.

Though, genetically,

they're closer than we

to those we “dissuaded”

when we invaded...

a fact inconvenient

but let us be lenient

at the end of the day

and see things our way.

We'll cut some slack,

unless you are Black

and deal with NAFTA

hereafter.

No. XCIII: Job Desecration

WSJ: Ford to Import Next-Generation Focus Compact Car to U.S. From China (Paywall)

The auto maker scraps plans to build Focus in Mexico amid Nafta debate

Way to go, Donnie, saving the jobs
of all us hard-working American slobs.
No Fords to be built by Mexican rookies.
They'll come from China. (With fortune cookies!)
China! You know? Those folks who would croak us.
And you will notice the nameplate says Focus!