925: WH Complaint Dept.

 THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. 

Senate Panel’s Russia Probe Found Counterintelligence Risks in Trump’s 2016 Campaign (Paywall)

A substantial portion of the report focuses on the connections of onetime Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort with Konstantin Kilimnik, who is officially described for the first time as a Russian intelligence officer, and Russia-aligned oligarchs in Ukraine. Mr. Manafort’s high-level campaign access and willingness to share information with Mr. Kilimnik and others “represented a grave counterintelligence threat,” the report concluded.

The report also states that Mr. Manafort might have been connected to the Russian intelligence operation to hack and leak Democratic emails as part of its broader effort to denigrate Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and support Mr. Trump’s campaign. 

WARNING:
Trump private speech is simulated. Reader caution is advised.

FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DESK: (August 18) —

WHAT THE FUCK, Mitch?

SON OF A BITCH!

How could you let this shit happen?

With S&P hitting new high today

last thing I need is more crappin'

witch hunts from Democrat cunts.

What the fuck is the benefit

of controlling the Senate if it

refuses to cover my ass?

I can't see why you bozos can't lie

as you've been doing en masse

since selling your soul 

to reach your goal

of repealing the twentieth century.

Without me do you think you would be

within reach of complete victory?

924: If Only

 ALTERNATE REALITY (August 17) —

Can you imagine the fuss THEY’d be making

if Hillary Clinton were president?

Covid would surely be “God’s judgment upon

a sinful, God-sneering Washington resident.”

She’d to be blame for all hurricanes.

Those midwestern storms destroying farms?

“God's condemnation of bitchcraft and charms.”

“Donnie come save us”, they’d weep and wail.

But he would not. He’d be in jail.

923: The Conservative MANifesto

 ON YOUR MARX GET SO (August 16) —

NOTHING! whatever is wrong with the country.

Everything’s just peachy-keen.

We just need to fiddle a bit in the middle …

if you get what we mean?  

There is the question of women’s “rights” …

don’t get us wrong we love our women.

We will not neglect them. We will protect them.

We’ll keep ’em in bed- AND table linen.

Then there’s the issue of “rights” for minorities —

all those non-White or unChristian.

We don’t see “races”. They have their places.

In their assigned, lower positions. 

SCOTUS is right. Business is people.

And, yes, they give us donations.

BUT, unlike individuals, they should not be subject

to laws or controls or regulations. 

A sperm and an egg. One person or two?

We will protect the unborn.

All fertile women will give birth once a month.

(Talk of your “maiden all forlorn”!) 

Of course, we support two party democracy —

well, perhaps, one-and-a-half.

Between ourselves and Kanye West

we’ve got you covered. All else is chaff.  

Church and State must be kept separate.

With OUR Church ensconced on top.

All other “faiths” will be forbidden,

their believers leaving or compelled to swap.

 

Guns are not cars. Or dogs. Or marriage.

No license for guns shall be required.

Unlike those things, guns are quite safe, 

and, as with wives, they can be “fired”.  

 

Criminal activity will be prohibited.

We will strongly enforce all the laws

that we agree with and that do not interfere

with our doing whatever we want just because. 

By conceiving ourselves as God’s Only Party,

we believe we’ll achieve everlasting authority.

The vast majority, however, we note

does not share our view. They must not vote.

We have the answer to every question

whether you like it or not.

If you can’t accept this God's honest TRUTH,

you will be frog-marched outside and shot.

910: God's Own (Only?) Party — a game of inches

Georgia senator removes ad that made opponent’s nose bigger

ATLANTA (AP) — Republican Sen. David Perdue of Georgia has taken down a digital campaign ad featuring a manipulated picture of his Democratic opponent Jon Ossoff, who is Jewish, with an enlarged nose.

Before being removed, the Facebook ad showed grainy pictures of Ossoff and Sen. Charles Schumer of New York, who is also Jewish, above a banner reading “DEMOCRATS ARE TRYING TO BUY GEORGIA! HELP DAVID PERDUE FIGHT BACK.”

The news outlet the Forward first reported that the image was manipulated and made Ossoff’s nose appear larger than in the original photo.

NEW JEWRAZZLEM (July 28)  —  

It’s insulting to us when someone supposes

we have a thing about SOME PEOPLES' noses

in particular those who follow Moses

who are so well-adapted to smelling the roses.

Calling us anti-Semitic is a damnable lie.

We are not bigots. We don’t even try.

We love THE JEWS. We don't want to hurt them.

Unless, of course, we fail to convert them.

We need to. To speed Jesus’ returning.

To bring on the hell of all others burning.

Given these generous, pure Christian views,

HOW DARE YOU SAY WE DON'T LOVE OUR JEWS!

908: #PWMCT (or PWUNKED 2020)

MINDBOGGLED (July 26) —

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Those words prove my mental acuity.

I remember them, so all agree

nothing whatever's the matter with me.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Biden, hidin’ down in his cellar . . .

very low-IQ kinda fella.

Not a stable genius like me. 

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
I know nothing of history.

Not even who started the GOP.

(A lot of people say it was me.)

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately . . . education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes . . .

— Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest

905: The Gospel According To GOP (or get me rewrite)

SINCE WISHES ARE ELEPHANTS (July 21) —

We Republicans, try as we might,

can not make Ayn Rand into Jesus.

Although we’d love to we can not because

“Atheist Ayn” was a free-love extremist.

In order to salvage our Trump-damaged brand,

we have change Jesus into Ayn Rand.

To hell with free loavers! To perdition free fishers!

It’s supply and demand. (Which the marketplace wishes.)

Let the poor starve. Ignore the lame.

Such loafers have only themselves to blame.

We hold peacemakers blessed, we MEN of action.

“Peacemakers”, you know? The Colt Single Action.

Click

№ 887.1: EXTRA! A Believer Unmasked

PERSPECTIVE (June 26) —

I see no reason to put on a mask.

Republican Christian, you see.

I believe Jesus and Donnie

are able to forever protect me.

So, even though the far left conspires 

with all of our enemies — one-celled and many —

envious of our freedom and plenty,

I will never consider donning a mask.

(Though maybe I would if Donnie should ask.)

Without Donnie and Jesus and QAnon

we'd be exposed. We'd be overrun.

THEY'd take our guns.

THEY'd make us sick.

But they can't do that.

Donnie's too slick.

Donnie is so exceedingly clever,

it'd be GREAT if he ruled forever.

Or, at the least, until I die

and go to Jesus up in the sky.

After which, though I still wish him well,

let Donnie return to his father in hell.

№ 882: Deep, Deep, DEEP Red State Plan

IF WISHES WERE HORSES (June 18) —

The founding fathers never did say

one-man-one-vote is the answer.

They'd say, were they with us today,

“Democracy's proved a disaster.”

The rich and well-born, Hamilton swore

contrary to Lin-Manuel Miranda,

are best equipped to sing the score,

counterpointing Jefferson's vox pop propaganda.

Even Red Thom was not really lefty.

He never said, “Property's theft.” He

never envisioned expanding the franchise.

All of the founders thought that unwise.

People — the mobs, the ignorant slobs —

haven't a clue. (AND they're needy!)

Also they're poor and reek of manure.

They vote . . . things get exceedingly seedy.

There are so many of them.

Masses and masses.

Brown, black, yellow, red. 

(Some even WHITE!)

Thick as molasses.

Still conquer we will with shrill Donnie our shill,

until we're a true Christian Nation.

Then, with Pence in his place we will say grace,

and send Donnie away on a dis-served “vacation”.

№ 880: Tulsa Or Bust

Trump’s Rally Could Be a ‘Perfect Storm’ for the Virus, Tulsa Officials Fear (Paywall)

President Trump will hold his first campaign rally in months on Saturday in Oklahoma, where infections are rising, and officials there are pleading with him to cancel or hold it outdoors.

DEAD END, OK (June 16) —

No masks for us.

We will not discuss it.

If God calls us home,

we will not be alone.

As a matter of fact,
our bags are packed,
we're rarin' to go,

so on with the show.

We will not heed official condemnings.

We follow Donnie. You DO KNOW we're lemmings?
Only in heaven will we be content.
A rather incredible end for a rodent.

№ 878: GOP Platform 2020 — secret at 'em dumb

DEEPEST GOP (June 14) —

What is the point of letting THEM vote

if THEY won't vote the right way.

Blah, blah, blah, “consent of the governed”,

democracy, in its place, is . . . okay.

We, THE ELITE, determine THAT place

which, prima facie, of course, ignores race

IF you sign on with our NEW GOP

and swear you favor theocracy,

marriage between a man and his wife,

(who must do what she’s told on pain of her life),

negative taxes to give businesses cash

(to bail them out when they cause a crash),

deregulating all business activity,

plus privatizing “Social Security”.

(Whereas, “personal hygiene” is a Federal affair,

abortion and “sex choice” fall under our care.)

Unions are, from now on, forbidden.

Except for collecting dues.

Which shall be given to us to assure

that these dues are wisely used.

In education, we'll protect our young ones

by arming their teachers with pistols and guns,

emphasizing the King James Version

(and taxing parents resisting conversion),

excising all mention of Darwin-like weirdos,

and renaming schools for Confederate heroes.

These are a few of the things we stand for.

We can check FOX and add a few more.

Our platform is in FOX's capable hands.

We await Rupert Murdoch's latest commands.

№ 875.2: EXTRA! RNC Policy Statement

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Gary Klein and Henry Hoffman)

TOP SECRET RNC HUNKER BUNKER (June 10)

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century

People ask, “GOP?

what do you wanna be,

now you don't got a soul anymore?

We know just what to say

We answer right away

There's just one thing

we're wishing for

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century

With Mitch we plot and plan

maybe we'll bomb Iran

and we'll outlaw all things not white

and it the schools we'll pray

everything gay away

make everyone say they're straight alt-right

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We wanna be Donnie's whore

We're no longer Lincoln's GOP

Because when we're Donnie's whore

we mean REALLY Donnie's whore

we'll repeal the whole last century