891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

889: Kayleigh Wouldn't Lie (she promised)

Trump: I was not told about ‘Russian bounties’ plot because it was not credible

Russian military intelligence unit secretly offered cash to Taliban militants for successful attacks on coalition troops in Afghanistan

Donald Trump, right, meets with Russian president Vladimir Putin during a G-20 summit in Osaka, Japan on 28 June 2019. Photograph: Susan Walsh/AP

Donald Trump has said intelligence about a Russian plot to offer bounties to Taliban militants in exchange for fatal attacks on coalition troops in Afghanistan was not “credible” and was therefore not reported to him.

Top administration officials, including members of Trump’s national security council, have been discussing the Russian bounty offer for months, the New York Times first reported.

Earlier on Sunday, Trump claimed never to have heard about the Russian offer – and he questioned whether such an offer had been made.

Warnings about the suspected Russian plot were sent up the intelligence chain in January, the Times reported.

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany issued a statement Saturday denying that Trump had been briefed but saying “this does not speak to the merit of the alleged intelligence”.

INNER WORKINGS (June 29) —

What didn’t I know?

When didn’t I know it?

Everything.

All of the time.

I already knew

what I needed to know.

And knowing that,

I knew I was fine.

Experts. 

The people who say they know stuff?

Really know nothing. I say they’re bluffing.

With an enormous brain nearly big as my butt,

I don’t need “intelligence”. I’ve got my gut.

Meetings and briefings. So damned much squawking.

I only listen when I am talking.
I need no “facts”. “Facts” can not faze me.
I only listen when people praise me.
I love when they speak of my fabulous wealth,
but when I need it done right, I do it myself.

№ 887.2: EXTRA! Trump This

Outrage mounts over report Russia offered bounties to Afghanistan militants for killing US soldiers

Fierce response from top Democrats after US intelligence finding was reportedly briefed to Trump in March, but the White House has yet to act

The Times wrote: “The intelligence finding was briefed to Trump, and the White House’s National Security Council discussed the problem at an interagency meeting in late March.” White House officials apparently drew up several possible options to retaliate against the Kremlin, ranging from a diplomatic reprimand right through to fresh sanctions. However, the White House has so far not taken any action.

FUN FACT (June 27) — 

Let’s all calm down and look at the facts:

all soldiers targeted were Democrats.

Vlad, when I asked him, immediately said,

“Sold-yers doan foat forr hue, bet-her hoff dead*.”

Vlad is making our country GREATER,

showing me how to be a dictator.

_______________

*Солдаты не голосуют за вас, лучше умереть

№ 771: Trump, Whether Vane

Email subscribers click here.

DENIAL IN WINTER (January 15)

(with apologies to Carly Simon)

I won ov-er the Party

(NOT part of some Putin plot!)

Bew-t-ful hair exquisitely brushed,

my skin tinted apricot

With one eye on the mirror

(am I great, or what?)

And all the girls wish I'd ask them to “date me”

ask them to “date me”, but

I’m not vain
It's just that everything is about me

I’m not vain,

I  know the song is always about me

So true!

So true!

That one I had years ago

when she still pretended “naive”

I told her she had a real pretty pair

and whichever wife I’d leave

But you know I lied, of course,

it’s my pedigree

I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,

such God-damn dumb broads, but

I’m not vain

I know the song is always about me

I’m not vain,

I just know ALL songs are always about me

So true!

So true!
So true!

I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,

such fuck-ing dumb broads, but

I’m not vain

I know the song is always about me

I’m not vain,

I just know ALL songs are always about me

So true!

So true!

When I am Em-per-or I’ll wear a toga

to hide my enormous butt

And if I play golf wearing a “dress” 

then I can cheat when I putt

I’m in the limelight all the time

but when I’m not, I’m with
some Russian guy

or the wife of a close friend,

wife of a close friend, but

I’m not vain

I just know everything is about me

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me

So true!

So true!

So true!

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me
I’m not vain. . .

№ 702.1: EXTRA! And Kurds Bank Never Lent Me Money Either

Fact-checking Trump's claim that Kurds did not help the US in WWII and Normandy invasion

“As somebody wrote in a very very powerful article today, they didn't help us in the Second World War, they didn't help us with Normandy,” Trump said. . .

TRUMP CHECKING (October 10)

Not only the Kurds played hooky from Normandy,
there were no Israelis there either.
Germans were present, that can't be denied,
but I seem to recall they were the other side.
Finns and Italians were nowhere to be seen.
The Russians were , I think, occupied elsewhere.
Had Donnie been born and not been by bone spurs bed-ridden,
I am confident he'd have kept himself hidden.

№ 646.2: EXTRA! The Eagle Has Landed?

Trump speaks before presidential seal doctored with symbols of Russia and golf

Image mysteriously displayed behind president at rightwing event features two-headed eagle clutching golf clubs

THE VOID (July 25)

UPI/Barcroft Media

Golf club in hand,
gulf in his head,
then this Russian eagle. . .
WHAT lies ahead?

Click

№ 606.1: EXTRA! Trump This!

Trump says Russia helped elect him – then quickly backtracks

President tweeted he ‘had nothing to do with Russia helping me get elected’, then retracted it: ‘Russia did not help me’

TRUMPWORLD, May 30

When I said Russia helped me.

I really meant they did not.

Gott im Himmler above protect me.

It's part of a Democrat plot.

As a matter of fact

my Twitter was hacked

to make me seem senile.

(Plus Putin finding my
being venal congenial.)

№ 539: The Twain Meet (the second date)

With apologies to Cole Porter. 

Email subscribers click here.

I love Kim.

And I tell you this is not some whim.

Though he may be a murderer, a horrible dictator,

his people love him like mine love me — albeit mine love greater.

I envy how he gets to rule without a legislature.

Yes, I love Kim.

Of all the tyrants that I've met within my presidancy

since the day that I took up my White House residancy,

Kim, I gotta tell ya, is the one who I most fancy.

Oi, I love Kim.

I love Kim.

I kenna tell ya how much I love him.

He kills at will just as they do in beautiful Araby

and in China, Russia — no ifs, no buts, no maybes.

I wonder how he would dispatch our Democrat crybabies.

Yes, I love Kim.

When I meet with my dear Kim my heart goes all a flutter.

He so reminds me of Roy Cohn I almost turn to butter.

And, no, I am no fag, so get your mind out of the gutter.

But I love Kim.

№ 425: Trump And Putin (or Methinks the Laddie Doth Protest Too Much)

(with apologies to Jimmy Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn)

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

This I tell you, brother,

we'd not have one without the other.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

If you ask James Comey,

he'll say things were awfully homey.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Guilty!

Email subscribers click here.

№ 342: Damn-O-Crazy (Populism Goes Pop)

Many in Russia still miss the Czar.
They can not help it.
That's just how they are.
Don't tell me Germans are all that much wiser.
Many, I'm certain,
would welcome the Kaiser.
And, if you say,
“Well, that's just their thing”,
consider France or Israel
where they'd chance a king.
What we are seeing is a world-wide distemper
among the masses who long for an Emperor.
From Iran to China to Ethiopia
people prefer their local dystopia.

Everywhen, everywhere the story's the same
“good” people seeking someone to blame
for their lot choosing a leader
who says there's a plot,
and promises life'll be easier
after — guess what? — the bad guys get shot.
Before we in U.S. go,
“Tsk, tut, hrump!”,
remember our wild card,
the Joker, Donald J. Trump.

No. 322.1: EXTRA! House “Schultz” Committee Clears Trump Campaign

WaPo: HouseIntelligence Committee Republicans release final Russia report (Paywall)

House Intelligence Committee Republicans released a redacted version of their final report from a year-long probe into Russia’s “multifaceted” influence operation, generally clearing Trump and his associates of wrongdoing while accusing the intelligence community and the FBI of failures in how they assessed and responded to the Kremlin’s interference in the 2016 election.

Of course, it's a WHITE wash.

GOP's only color.

If you're looking for TRUTH,

just wait for Mueller.

No. 305: They Just Don't Make Dutch Boys Like They Used To

Alex Wong/Getty Images 

In Dutch, as such

A Dutch attorney was sentenced on Tuesday to 30 days in prison for lying to federal agents, in the first formal conviction obtained by Robert Mueller in his investigation of Russian election interference and alleged collusion between aides to Donald Trump and Moscow.

— Guardian: Lawyer Alex van der Zwaan jailed for 30 days in Mueller's first conviction

EXCLUSIVE!: TCC News, apparent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively obtained a copy of a proposed FOX News editorial regarding sentencing of confessed Dutch lawyer tied to Trump campaign if by nothing else than greasy hair.

Tho', truth be told,

he did cop a plea

for playing a rôle

in our unfolding Trumpery,

why should we punish him,

this white male European*,

when our “Justice” system

denies us the right to shoot on sight

folks from the Caribbean?
(And Muslims, Blacks and Latinos
or the Injuns who now own casinos.)

The tragic fact is

we need target practice

to secure our borders,

to protect our wives

to defend our daughters,
to save our villages
from raping and pillaging.

We restate our conclusion,

there was no collusion

despite the profusion

of evidence.

LIB'RELS take heed 

do not push to impeach

even FOX does not need

the happenstance

of Preachy Pence as president.
_______________________________
*Tho' likely irrelevant to this discussion
it must be noted that his wife is a Russian.
Of course, one can not draw any inference.
It is, perhaps, just a funny coincidence.
(Would it be too snarky were I to remark
that her daddy's one of Vlad's best oligarchs?)

[updated 3/4/2018 1:52 am]

No. 280.1: EXTRA! Testify (and Hope?)

WASHINGTON — Hope Hicks, the White House communications director, told House investigators on Tuesday that her work for President Trump, who has a reputation for exaggerations and outright falsehoods, had occasionally required her to tell white lies
— NYT: Hope Hicks Acknowledges She Sometimes Tells White Lies for Trump (Paywall)

          Hope springs eternal
          sometimes, infernal.
          So, dear Ms. Hicks,
          show us some tricks.

No. 275: God's Memo To Donald (Top Secret: EYES-ONLY)

Dear Donald,

Stay calm.

No cause for alarm.

Nevertheless,
let me stress: 

I wish you no harm.

That being said

(and this part I dread),

there is some stuff

we need to discuss.

(And, no, these discussions 
do not concern Russians,

although those disruptions 
may have repercussions.)

It's time someone said it.

The women you've bedded — 
the wives, the porn stars 

the Playboy bunnies — 

they did you because

they thought it meant money.

Like I said,

stay calm,

do not lose your gourd,

but it's high time you knew.

Your friend,

The Lord

No. 272.2: EXTRA! Trump Responds To Russian Indictments

“The Russia-Trump collusion story is a total hoax, when will this taxpayer funded charade end?”
— WaPo, Trump’s Russia ‘hoax’ turns out to be real (Paywall)

I tell ya folks

I still say it's a hoax

invented by those

Dumb-as-crap jokes.

I'd no sooner collude

than cheat on my wife.

Colluding is rude,

so not on your life.

This talk of collusion

constitutes an intrusion

into admin affairs.

Just tell the Dems

who love to condemn,

someday they're gonna get theirs.

I'm not gonna threaten

but I'm never lettin'

this Mueller punk

get me excited

he'll be out the door

or dead on the floor

before I'm ever indicted.

As to Dem rebukes

don't forget I've got nukes.

On my desk there's

this gorgeous red button.

With one little push,

I make them shush

turning them into roast mutton.