891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

№ 825: The Art Of The Squeak (an April Fool)

ALTERNATE REALITY (March 31) —

WHAT IF this virus is not really THAT deadly?

What if it's really a FAKE?

Like everyone else ever got in my way,

this virus has made a mistake.

I ALWAYS win. You just have to trust me.

And when I fail? There's always bank-RUPT-cy.
Everyone tells me the whole world admires me,
why would not that hold for these damned little virii.

№ 802: Contingency Plan — Whistling Past The Graveyard

WHAT I SAY (February 27) —

Media hype.

“Virus” is FAKE.

It's just a cold

for heaven's sake.

“No virus!” says Limbaugh. 

He's a great guy

who’d never peddle

the least little lie.

No one is sick.

Well, nobody near.

If you show symptoms,

I'm outta here.

If everyone living

contracted this virus,

the fatality rate

would not expire us.

World death rate,

at worst, would equate

to less than half

of United States.

Whole damn thing
does not make sense.
Therefore, I handed it
off to Mike Pence.

Mikey, God bless 'im,

refuses to panic.

He booked a cruise

on the brand-new Titanic.

№ 745.3: EXTRA! Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Donnie?

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MALEFICENT  REGRESSION (December 11)

(with apologies to Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)

Fe fe fi fi 
He's so dumb
He cannot walk
while he's chewing gum
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually)
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

He lies and he cheats, 
that's that's how it is
Moscow prostitutes
he watches while they whiz*
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who's always tweeting his defeats?
Who's always dampening his sheets?
Whose “berders” cause all those repeats?
Guess who? “Who, me?” Yeah, you!

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”
————————
*allegedly

№ 687.1 EXTRA! Copying Xi

Journalists in Chinese state media to be tested on loyalty to President Xi Jinping

About 10,000 reporters and editors in Beijing are expected to take ‘pilot tests’ next month using Xuexi Qiangguo mobile app

Nationwide exams – with sections on Xi’s political thinking and Marxism – will be held later and press cards will only be issued to those who pass

The media oversight office made clear that updated press cards, which are essential for those working in the industry, would only be issued to journalists who had passed the exam. Those who fail will have one chance to take the test again, according to the notice.

MYWAY (September 21)

Now, why couldn't I do something like that

as a way of combating FAKE NEWS?

Reporters, editors (photographers, too!)

would have to adhere to my hues

and stop telling lies with film and transcriptions

of color and words I may say

when it is clear from FOX's depictions

I'm tan and the words were just throw away.

But if I had someone put in a book

all of of my geniusy thinking,

then U.S. enemies (the press and the Dems)

would have, at least, an inkling,

and begin to suspect all of my thoughts

tornado spin. . .barn weather vane. . .

It is a fact, I don't think, I react.

I've got a crocodile brain.

№ 637.2: EXTRA! So It's Only A Crime If It's Printed?

Jeffrey Epstein: how US media – with one star exception – whitewashed the story

The Miami Herald exposed a vast criminal network and a government cover-up – but why the silence elsewhere?

HERE AND NOW (July 13)

Madison, sadly, could not foresee

what the country would turn out to be.

(Or did he?)

James makes no mention of prostitution

anywhere that I read in his Constitution.

(Why would he?)

He and his southern slave-owning cohorts

would never trifle with common town whores.

And to respect puritan New England bores,

they kept their activities entirely indoors,

observing completely, discreetly and privately

all of the trappings of upright society.

There was no prostitution. There was no fee.

They were “maintaining” their property.

Again, end of story, the moral of which

the only crime is not being rich.

Politicians, the press and billionaires:

one goes for the other, then they get theirs.

They, therefore, prefer keeping hands off

and we get this classic Mexican standoff.

By Martin SoulStealer - Flickr: Mexican Standoff, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=27011723

№ 577.1: EXTRA! WSJ — Facts Take The Back Seat

One is forced to conclude
Murdoch's Opinion Minions,
each one an prominent sage,
were so busy yesterday fudging the facts
they'd no time to read the front page.

№ 562.1: EXTRA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

Trump Boasts About Mueller Report, Jeers ‘Collusion Delusion’ at Rally

Hurls insults at Democrats, says rivals ‘tear up the fabric of American democracy’

The Mueller Report has three hundred pages. . .
every one says “NO COLLUSION”
which, as you know, all of FOX sages
said was the only conclusion
possible given the facts
which were not in dispute
despite Rachel Meadow's unfair attacks
(a lezzie to boot, she's not even cute),
she's so in the sack
with the Dems who condemn. . .
there's lotsa gay gals — maybe her “pals”? —
I could make normal, you know anti-abortion,
soon as I'm done with my Mueller distortion.)

[corrected 3/31/2019, 11:54 p.m.]

№ 532: EMERGENCY!

Email subscribers click here.

Trump to Sign Spending Deal, Declare National Emergency

Democrats are expected to challenge any efforts to move money around without congressional approval

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

Don't give me your 

sanity counterinsurgency.
I am not Lilliputian
bound by the “rules”
of some “Constitution”.

I don't need Congress.

I don't need courts.

I am the founder

of TRUMP RESORTS!

(And I have many

CRIMINAL COHORTS

more than willing

to do as I bid

soon as I say

who to get rid of.

So long Jim Acosta,

FAKE NEWS impostor.)

If Dems dare try

to replace me,

then they get Pence!!!

Hence, I am free

to rule by decree.

People, 
follow MY law

down to the letter.

That'll show Vlad

who dictates better.

№ 514: TCCN EXCLUSIVE: A Report From A White House Bathroom Mirror

EXCLUSIVE! BREAKING NEWS: Theatrical Cement Company News, Ink., the apparent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively received the following exclusive from a White House bathroom mirror which requested anonymity for fear of being shattered. 

(with apologies to Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim)

Email subscribers click here.

I had a dream, a dream about you, Donnie.

It's gonna come true, Donnie.

I like your hairdo, and Donnie,

things are swell, news is FAKE!

We are making America quake!

Open lips, don't disclose.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Press and Dems are real jerks!

Mayhem for us always works.

Grab her hips. Muss her clothes.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Now's our inning. I think everyone's clear.

We're still winning as we were from the beginning!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy at the top.

We're still swell. We're still great.

I can tell. It's our fate.

Mueller doesn't even have a clue!

Donnie, everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.

We can do it, Donnie is gonna see to it!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy who's on top.

I can tell, wait and see.

There's the bell! Follow me!

And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!

Donnie, everything's coming up towers and new hotels!

Everything's coming up Putin and Kim Jong Un!

Everything's gonna be Space Corps and border walls!

Everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

№ 400: Fake News

Guardian: Yuval Noah Harari extract: ‘Humans are a post-truth species’

In his new book, 21 Lessons for the 21st Century, the bestselling author turns his attention to the problems we face today. Here, he argues that ‘fake news’ is much older than Facebook

Homo sapiens conquered this planet thanks above all to the unique human ability to create and spread fictions. We are the only mammals that can cooperate with numerous strangers because only we can invent fictional stories, spread them around, and convince millions of others to believe in them. 

There's no blaming Trump

for this human accomp-

lishment: believing whatever we please.

Reading our history most clearly shows

it is our species' defining disease.

Some lies are brand new, some are so old

that they no longer need to be told.

Can a new thing be true? 

Probably not.

When we're shown “proof”,

we answer, “So what?”

(Everything's true, everything's false.

There is no diff betwixt foxtrot and waltz.)

STILL. . .it is “true” —

believe what you will —

some things are true-ish,

others pig swill.

It may depend,

in the short run,

on who is the victim

and who's got the gun.

Although it may

make wussies wince

bullets have often

been known to convince.

No. 247.1: EXTRA! Speak The Speech I Pray You

We have reviewed the audio from our interview with President Trump, as well as the transcript provided by an external service, and stand by what we reported. Here is audio of the portion the White House disputes. — WSJ

I'm over the moon

for Kim Jong Un

or would be

if I could speak clearly.

He leads one of my favorite nations.

A country blessedly free of Haitians.

In a world of catch as catch can

I love all places unAfrican.

My excuse:

my dentures were loose

so I sound as dumb speaking

as I tweet thumbs freaking

out fake media

with my alt-fact encyclopedia.

I leave these fakes to their fates.

Gor blesh th' U-n-i-did Schtaetz.

No. 194.1: EXTRA! The Blivit's Pivot (Trump midnight musings)

I am ignoring “fake news” report:

“Mueller Indicts Paul Manafort”.

I never knew 'im.

Screw 'em.

It has no import.

If he, with Hilly, colluded with Russia,

somebody crush her.

Instead of investigating Trump-friendly Nazis,

someone should look (again) at Benghazi.

(And what about her deleted emails?

Is she still friends with all those she-males?

Fox & Friends: make up the details!)

No. CXXXII: On The Other (Small) Hand

AP: Trump's denouncement disappoints, angers white nationalists

President Donald Trump's condemnation of hate groups - two days after his initially equivocal response to a deadly attack at a rally in Virginia - disappointed and even angered some of the white nationalists, white supremacists and neo-Nazis who supported and felt emboldened by his presidential campaign.

WSJ: Trump Says ‘Both Sides’ to Blame in Charlottesville Violence, Reversing Monday’s Stance (Paywall)

Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke swiftly praised the president for his remarks.

What sort of premises

can make a nemesis

of MY good friends

the white supremacists?

They see, generally,

Bobby Lee as their hero,

an oath-breaking traitor

who made the South greater.

This so-called assault

was not their fault.

They have to attack

any Jew, brown or black.

They hate "fake news"
but like a few Jews...
like that boy Jared
Ivanka married.

They are AMERICANS!

Not drug-dealing Mexicans!

Not Muslim terrorists!

Not TV satirists!

You'd put them in pillories

like they were Hillarys?

Don't tell me they're bad.

You'll make me “sad”.

No. CXXX.ii: EXTRA! Sent From The Tent (or Bannon Go Yurt)

NYT: Bannon in Limbo as Trump Faces Growing Calls for the Strategist’s Ouster (Paywall)

Rupert Murdoch has repeatedly urged President Trump to fire him.  

Time to ban Bannon?

His date's expired.

So bad is he,

Murdoch wants him fired!

Now that it's printed,

it can not happen.

And, besides,

Donald likes Bannon.

He one hundred percent agrees with his views

and if he fires him this won't be "fake news"!