№ 867.1: EXTRA! Donnie's Conventional Wisdom

THE WHITE HEARSE (May 29) —

I gotta tell ya

what never gets boring:

worshipping crowds

intent on adoring me.

People who see me

as their panacea.

Like his folks see Kim

in North Korea.

The smart folks who know

they’re much better off

with me tweeting crap

or cheating at golf

instead of having

clean air and water

or decent health care.

(DO NOT wanna go there!)

People who know 

that true contentment

is brought to them by

the Second Amendment.

Real patriots

whose default recourse is

to bow down to statues 

of dead traitors on horses.

If sissy Dem Gov

of North Carolina

won’t let us convene

for my coronation,

fearing too many

will drop down dead

we’ll take my parade

elsewhere instead,

to a reliable red state

where they forbid Covid

and government contracts

are strictly no-bid,

the exclusive preserve

of those who support 

the Republican party

which is, as am I, easily bought.

№ 808: The Prince And The Pissant

Saudi Arabia releases images of King Salman after purge of royals
Monarch seen carrying out duties as speculation mounts over crown prince’s succession

Saudi Arabia has released images of King Salman carrying out his royal duties after a purge of at least three princes including his brother and nephew for allegedly plotting a coup.

Saudi royal guards carried out the arrests on Friday in a move that signals Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s tightening grip on power.

Prince Ahmed bin Abdul Aziz, a brother of King Salman, and the monarch’s nephew Prince Mohammed bin Nayef were detained after they were accused of plotting a palace coup aimed at unseating the crown prince, heir to the Saudi throne, sources said.

Prince Nayef’s younger brother, Prince Nawaf bin Nayef, was also detained, they said.

GREATLEADERLAND (March 8) —

I gotta confess: I love MBS.

Everyone says, “He’s a prince!”

When in his presence — the effervescence —

is bound to quickly convince you

this is a man who has a plan,

a vision, if I may say so,

and any who dare to get in his way

had best take care lest they 
show up dead or get arrested

for having tested his patience,

when, instead of losing their head,

they could have bowed in obeisance.

Crown Prince MBS — that's “M” for Mohammed

(may his name ever be praised) —
is a good friend, always happy to lend
me a hand (or cash) and never delays
returning my calls, though he's got the balls
to do whatever he pleases.
Four wives at a time. (Plus concubines. I'm
ever so jealous.) Sweet Jesus!
That he is my pal makes me so glad.
I love him more than Kim, Xi, or Vlad.

№ 807.1: EXTRA! Goin' Viral

Trump’s frustration with coronavirus: He can’t make a deal with it (Paywall)

WASHINGTON —  By his own account, President Trump never met a political or business rival or problem he couldn’t sweet-talk or club into submission with tariffs, threats or tweets.

But the new coronavirus outbreak that has killed 11 Americans so far, unleashed panic in communities and financial markets, led to emergencies in California and two other states, and ultimately could threaten Trump’s reelection bid, has posed a unique challenge to the president’s credibility and his administration’s managerial competence.

“A virus is not to be dominated. A virus is not somebody you get into a room and beat up on,” said Gwenda Blair, a Trump biographer who has studied his mindset for decades.

THE VOID BETWIXT THE WISPS OF HAIR (March 7)

I met with the virus, he’s a really great guy

despite what you may have heard.

It’s not exactly that we fell in love.

(Even I know that is absurd.)

I know, as a virus, he can’t send me letters,

but I bet if he could they’d be bew-t-ful

and that he’d agree to cease all activity

with words both soothing and dutiful

to a guy like me who he admires

and, in so many ways, would admit he aspires

to be his best friend since I, too, am a virus.

№ 786: A Very Stable Genius Contemplates Next Steps

IMPERIAL PALACE (February 5)

Everyone knows I am so germaphobic,

I don’t ever breathe when near the Potomac,

an Indian river which unlike Liz Warren

has “native” blood — by which I mean foreign,

not North European like you and like me and

not Latin or Asian or even Korean

like dear leader Kim, my nuclear friend,

and Putin and Bibi (he-manly men

like me and President Xi)

and the Turkish guy whose name I forget

and Bolsonaro and the Philippine whosis

and my murdering Prince, MBS,

who Jarred assures me can do Middle East peace

if the price is right and Bibi’s convinced

before he’s convicted, jailed and evicted

from whatever they call their White House.

AND Boris Johnson — Johnson! lovin’ that name —

who’s a bigger liar than I am . . .

My phone call was “perfect”,

no smoking gun, no quid pro quo, 

and as you know Bolton’s a jerk,

an Obama guy who should be locked up

whoever appointed him is bigly corrupt.

And so it's admitted, I am acquitted.

It's finally attested. And now I can have

late night “comics” arrested.

Cancel election.
I am perfection.
(Time for new wife?)

I am forever.
I am for life.

№ 768: Over The Presidential Rainbow (Donnie reacts to reaction to Suleimani take-out)

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IMPERIAL PALACE (January 12)

(with apologies to Harold Arlen and E. Y. Harburg)

Un-fair,

it is ap-pal-ling

You know why

Al-so,

I call it gal-ling,

a strong guy like me could cry

Un-fair,
these lim-i-ta-tions
I tell you
I can do what I want to
it says in Ar-tic-le II

Each day I wake,

eat steak and cake,

watch FOX,

I tweet and make mis-takes

I’m balm-y

I curse the Dems

the hers and hims

and then I down a dozen Cokes

to calm me

Un-fair,

others are free to 

kill a guy

Vlad, MSB, Kim and Xi kill 

why, then, oh why, can’t I?

Each day I wake,

eat steak and cake,

watch FOX,

I tweet and make mis-takes

I’m bal-my

I curse the Dems

the hers and hims

and then I down a dozen Cokes

to calm me

Un-fair,

others are free to 

kill a guy

If Vlad and Bibi can kill 

why, then, oh why, can’t I?

№ 744.1: EXTRA! Are We Dead Yet?

Trump called for Seoul evacuation at height of North Korea tensions, new book says

President’s diktat was ignored by his top officials, Peter Bergen writes in Trump and his Generals: The Cost of Chaos

Trump had been repeatedly told that US freedom of action against North Korea was constrained by the fact that the regime’s artillery could demolish the South Korean capital in retaliation for any attack, inflicting mass casualties on its population of 25 million.

“They have to move,” Trump said, according to Bergen, who adds that his officials were initially unsure if the president was joking. But Trump then repeated the line. “They have to move!”

INSIDE THE CHAOS INSIDE HIS HEAD (December 10)

I herewith order 25 million 
be swiftly moved out of Seoul.
I say get to it.
Jared can do it.

Moving Seoul.
That's today's goal.
Then, when Kimmy attacks,
no one'll die — anticlimax.

With all the Seoul sisters
(and brothers)
hiding (somewhere or other),
Kimmy'll never know why. . .
he shoots his wad
they all survive it.
Gad, but I'm clever. (I AM A GOD!)
I don't see why Democrats
don't recognize it.

№ 678: Mr. Trump's Neighbor Hoods

Trump Cancels Peace Talks With Taliban Leaders and Afghan President

President tweets that secret meeting at Camp David is off after a Taliban bomb attack in Kabul

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DEPARTMENT OF WISHFUL THINKING (September 8)

(with apologies to Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick)

I shall meet with Afghan Taliban 

E-ven-tu-al-ly

When things are calm

and they promise to not bring a bomb

since there's nothing I really stand for

I'll say “Yes” and I'll roll on the floor

I'll be quiet and meek

Kiss the ring of whatever sheikh

I'm great with whores

but not so with wars

I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban
Just ask me

Afghan women repress

I don't care I don't wear a dress

I kinda like

a gal in distress

I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban

I know they'll like me

with tyrants liking me is likely

so I'll withdraw all troops and be on my way

I do not care if there's the devil to pay

No more having to moan

about fighting in foreign lands

Why should I care

for Afghanistan

I do not have any golf courses there

I am not wary

I'll meet with Afghan Taliban

It's my pres-id-en-cy

I will do as I choose

No Congress, no courts

I never lose

I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban

If they ignore me

I'll still have Kim who just adores me

He'll sell them missiles but I still won't attack

People like me invite a knife in the back

FAKE NEWS papers take note

Here's a statement that you'll misquote

If your real world

is all in your head

sooner than late you get real people dead

I'm very scary

I'll meet with Afghan Taliban

№ 647: Late Night Musings To Go With Snacks, Diet Cokes And Lotsa Big Macs

TRUMPWORLD (July 25)

When you win a war, people are thrilled.
They quickly forget how many you killed.
People love wars and stories of glory
They forget wars are horribly gory.

If I give the okay to go bomb Iran,
what will Kim think in Korea?
And Xi, in China, would he agree
bombing's a great panacea?
Would he similarly threaten Taiwan
if I give the okay to go bomb Iran?

I'm President, I can do what I want to.
Trudeau disses me, I bomb Toronto.

№ 631: Back To The Fourth (a tweet from tomorrow)

THE SWAMP (July 3)

I was BETRAYED!

That was NOT my parade.

That tiny, puny, little charade.

Not enough tanks. Not enough planes.

Where were the immigrant children in chains?

Not enough ANYTHING! A damned pooper scooper.

Where was Robert E. Lee? Where were my storm troopers

goose stepping while I smiled beatifically?

It had no style. It failed horrifically.
It was intended to celebrate ME! So I could gloat over Putin and Xi.

Now how can I put down my BFF, Kim?

Where were the missiles with which I threaten him?

To you Pentagon Dems behind this SAD plot:

when I find who you are, I'll have you shot.

This is NOT what I asked for. . .this strolling at leisure.

I called for a Triumph. Like Julius Cæsar!

NOT some dumb, casual come-as-you-are.

I wanted a spectacle fit for a Tsar.

A parade — must I say it explicitly? —

a parade reflecting the glory of ME.

A parade of parades breaking the mold

with my bew-t-ful Soldiers* plated in gold.
———————————————
*and Sailors, Airmen, Marines — SPACE FORCE CADETS! 
Plus a battalion or two of World War II vets.
Maybe Coast Guarders. Do they they go on land? 
After Hurricane Whatsis, I 💗 their brand.

№ 628: Kim Jong Un, Superstar? (and an invitation)

Donald Trump invites Kim Jong-un to US after entering North Korea

US president hails ‘great honour’ of crossing border at impromptu meeting

NOT IN KANSAS, ANY MO (June 31)

Donald's #MAGAest hits?


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№ 607.2: EXTRA! Donald Rocks A Dead Man's Boat

Military Reviews Handling of White House Request to Obscure USS John McCain

Navy officials haven’t determined how long it took before the initial directive and its suspension

TRUMPLAND, June 2

They say there was a boat
named for John McCain.
Where have I ever
before heard that name?
Whoever he was
is now a mystery
that is because
I'm rewriting history
like my buddy Kim
who follows his whim
by making everything
all about him.

When an enemy dies
he becomes nameless.
That is why I
am John McCainless.

№ 607.1: EXTRA! Is That A Gun In Your Pocket (or are you just glad to see me?)

North Korea 'executes envoy to US' after Trump summit failures – report

South Korean paper claims Kim Hyok-chol has been killed and senior negotiator Kim Yong-chol subjected to forced labour

TRUMPLAND, May 31

And you wonder why
I love this guy
and moreover why
he loves me?
His folks for him
are glad to die
just as mine would for me.
(If I set them the task
and had someone ask.)
True blood brothers
are we, Kim and me.
True blood brothers are we.

Nothing can shame us.
We are both famous.
Those who dare blame us
are ignoramuses.
I get inspired
when I say, “You're fired!”
Kim follows suit
and actually shoots.

What now should I say
to Bolton and Pompeo?
“If you two can't deliver
some real diplo clout,
I'll have you shot
and taken out!?”

№ 539: The Twain Meet (the second date)

With apologies to Cole Porter. 

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I love Kim.

And I tell you this is not some whim.

Though he may be a murderer, a horrible dictator,

his people love him like mine love me — albeit mine love greater.

I envy how he gets to rule without a legislature.

Yes, I love Kim.

Of all the tyrants that I've met within my presidancy

since the day that I took up my White House residancy,

Kim, I gotta tell ya, is the one who I most fancy.

Oi, I love Kim.

I love Kim.

I kenna tell ya how much I love him.

He kills at will just as they do in beautiful Araby

and in China, Russia — no ifs, no buts, no maybes.

I wonder how he would dispatch our Democrat crybabies.

Yes, I love Kim.

When I meet with my dear Kim my heart goes all a flutter.

He so reminds me of Roy Cohn I almost turn to butter.

And, no, I am no fag, so get your mind out of the gutter.

But I love Kim.

№ 514: TCCN EXCLUSIVE: A Report From A White House Bathroom Mirror

EXCLUSIVE! BREAKING NEWS: Theatrical Cement Company News, Ink., the apparent company of The Daily Doggerel, has exclusively received the following exclusive from a White House bathroom mirror which requested anonymity for fear of being shattered. 

(with apologies to Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim)

Email subscribers click here.

I had a dream, a dream about you, Donnie.

It's gonna come true, Donnie.

I like your hairdo, and Donnie,

things are swell, news is FAKE!

We are making America quake!

Open lips, don't disclose.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Press and Dems are real jerks!

Mayhem for us always works.

Grab her hips. Muss her clothes.

Donnie, everything’s coming up chaos.

Now's our inning. I think everyone's clear.

We're still winning as we were from the beginning!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy at the top.

We're still swell. We're still great.

I can tell. It's our fate.

Mueller doesn't even have a clue!

Donnie, everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.

We can do it, Donnie is gonna see to it!

No one can make us stop.

Because I'm the guy who's on top.

I can tell, wait and see.

There's the bell! Follow me!

And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!

Donnie, everything's coming up towers and new hotels!

Everything's coming up Putin and Kim Jong Un!

Everything's gonna be Space Corps and border walls!

Everything's coming up chaos for me and for you!

№ 367.2 EXTRA! “Work Out” Or Wipe Out

Guardian: Trump: 'possible' North Korea nuclear deal may not 'work out'

President tells Fox he did not make concessions to Kim Jong-un

Trump in fact agreed to end military exercises with South Korea

Trump was pressed on whether he trusted Kim Jong-un, whom he met last month in Singapore and with whom he said he had “a great chemistry”, to make good on promises to destroy Pyongyang’s nuclear program.

“I made a deal with him, I shook hands with him, I really believe he means it,” said Trump. “Now, is it possible? Have I been in deals, have you been in things where, people didn’t work out? It’s possible.”

Kim and I made a deal,

as I've said before.

Kim and I made a deal.

We pinky swore.

If it doesn't work out,

I will be sore.

If it doesn't work out,

I'll stamp on the floor.

If it doesn't work out,

I'll give him what for.

If it doesn't work out,

I'll sleep with a whore.

(Which I'd do anyway,

as I've done before.)

But it has to work out,

we have great rapport.

If it doesn't work out,

I'll lie some more.

If it doesn't work out,

I will ignore it,

blame Obama

and say I abhor it,

thereby causing

a general uproar

to justify my

declaring war.

But if I do I'll have

much to account for.

(And we'll discover

what Mueller is for.)

№ 347.1 EXTRA! Singapore Your Supper

BBC: US-North Korea: Trump says summit with Kim is back on

12 June 2018
a date that will live in infinity.
Unless, that is, indulging a whim
Kim decides Tuesday
does not work for him.
Trump canceled once.
If Kim don't hit back
he looks like a ponce.

№ 336: Talk About A Witch Hunt

Fox Friend #1

When shall Kim and Donald meet

To sit down and eat dog meat?

Fox Friend #2

Korea's man-enhancing food

Could put Donald in the mood.

Fox Friend #3

To refuse it would be rude.

Fox Friend #1

Where the place?

Fox Friend #2

In Singapore.

Fox Friend #3

I pray they don't invite Al Gore.

Fox Friend #1

I come, Ivanka!

Fox Friend #2 

Murdoch calls.

Fox Friend #3 

Fake news!

All

Fair is foul and foul is fair:

Hover through the fog and filthy air.