№ 725: Donnie Addresses His “Christian” Base Bias (or First things Faust)

AS GOD IS MY WITLESS (November 12)

Although Dems deny it, Adam Schiff is my Pilate.
(After all, I am your savior.)
But when I'm attacked, unlike Christ, I strike back.
In fact, fighting's my favorite flavor.
(Except, I guess, for sex that's coerced,
which, since I am tactful, is not perverse.
It's merely a little colluding corruption,
along with a dash of justice obstruction.
These women who play at being “annoyed”,
in truth enjoy being toyed with by boys, 
deploying coyness to increase their fees
for NDA's and divorce decrees.)

If you permit “Shifty” to crucify me
because of my Kiev chicanery,
there will be no more judges
who really “like beer”.
(And who, like you, detest all things queer.)
Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your ear.
Stand firm. Do not budge. 
Ignore the sludge 
and the sewage.
Consider it truage.

№ 701.1: EXTRA! Rudy Awakening?

Rudy Giuliani associates charged with campaign finance violations

Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman were arrested on charges including conspiracy, making false statements and falsifying records

They are alleged to have channeled $325,000 (£260,000) to a pro-Trump political action committee, America First Action, through a “straw”, or front, company set up to disguise the true origin of the funds, which were from a person identified in the indictment as Foreign National-1.

DONNIEWORLD (October 10)

This would be sad if it weren't so funny:
Rudy's pals caught giving Trump dirty money.
Being they're immigrants, why did not Rudy report them
and Donnie's ICE-men quickly deport them?
I suspect the answer is: well, of course,
they took a job that Donnie outsourced
to Moscow where Putin's the boss
of all bosses and anyway Donnie does not give a toss
where money he gets actually comes from
and thinks if you do, then you're the dumb one.
So long as it's cash (used bills, untraceable). . .
if the bag man gets caught, he is “erasable”.
He's linked to Rudy? Rudy's replaceable.

[updated 10/10/2019, 7:30 pm]

Click

№ 697.2: EXTRA! Whistling Past The Graveyard?

Email subscribers click here.

HOWLOWCANHEGO (October 3)

(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

Someone blows a whistle, know what I say? Okay,
someone blew a whistle, we make it go 'way. Okay?
It's all so simple:
you find who rats you out,
you lie, you shout, you cre-ate doubt.
So I do collusion? So I subvert? 'Smy way.
Whistler doesn't like it? Maybe gets hurt? Highway?
Squeeze the pimple,
until he wants t' die.
Anybody knows me,
they gotta know,
it is my show,
it's about me.
No one blows a whistle
ev-er on me.

[updated 10/5/2019 2:08 pm]

№ 695.2: EXTRA! It's What I Do

THE BLIGHT HOUSE (October 2)

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(with apologies to Meredith Wilson)

You may say, “You're corrupt.”
I reply, “So what? I'm winning!”
No, I do not care at all,
it's what I do.

You may add, I've been bad
from my very early beginnings.
No, I do not care at all,
it's what I do.

There was collusion
and there were payments to porn stars.
(They tell me.)
You think it stinks to high heaven? So what? So nu?

I spread scum all around,
yet I'm still standing here grinning.
No, I do not care at all,
it's what I do.

I spread scum all around,
yet I'm still standing here grinning.
No, I do not care at all,
it's what I do.

№ 650: Vlad's Erection

Москва-на-Дону (July 30)

No one's disputin'
Donnie's pal Putin
is swell. He's a helluva guy.
Though he had not expected
Donnie would be elected
when he decided he'd give it a try.

We have to surmise
Vlad was surprised
when the outcome came out so favorable,
that smacking his lips at apocalypse,
he found it delightful and savorable.

Donnie could never be anyone's puppet.
Donnie is far too unstrung.
But he's such a dope, that given some rope
he's bound to get somebody hung.

He needn't do what Putin prefers,
but Vlad has faith whatever occurs,
Donnie, forever the misbehaved pup,
can be trusted — always! — to screw something up.

All Vlad needs to do is hang loose,
wait for the score to be tied at deuce.
With America being run by his Gremlin,
the scoreboard will read advantage Kremlin.

№ 645.1: EXTRA! GOP Committee Members Pre-Response To Mueller

Robert Mueller Testimony Live: Former Special Counsel Faces Lawmakers

Rep. Devin Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, opened the second hearing with Mr. Mueller with a quip: “Welcome everyone to the last gasp of the Russia collusion conspiracy theory.”

OKEFENOKEE (July 24)

Mr. Mueller, your “report”

caused a bit of a buzz.

Though we have not read it

we can state that it does

not reveal crimes Donald did not commit.

And, sir,  if it does, we don’t give a shit.

№ 576.1: EXTRETERA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

THE SWAMP, April 18

NO COLLUSION.
SO ENDS CONFUSION.
JUST DEM DELUSION.

I KNOW NO ROOSSIAN.

MYTH EXTINGUISHED.

I BARELY NO ENGLISH.

№ 562.1: EXTRA! The Trumpire Strikes Back

Trump Boasts About Mueller Report, Jeers ‘Collusion Delusion’ at Rally

Hurls insults at Democrats, says rivals ‘tear up the fabric of American democracy’

The Mueller Report has three hundred pages. . .
every one says “NO COLLUSION”
which, as you know, all of FOX sages
said was the only conclusion
possible given the facts
which were not in dispute
despite Rachel Meadow's unfair attacks
(a lezzie to boot, she's not even cute),
she's so in the sack
with the Dems who condemn. . .
there's lotsa gay gals — maybe her “pals”? —
I could make normal, you know anti-abortion,
soon as I'm done with my Mueller distortion.)

[corrected 3/31/2019, 11:54 p.m.]

№ 557.4: EXTRA! Trump: “Complete And Total” Misrepresentation

Mueller Doesn’t Find Trump Campaign Conspired With Russia

A summary of the special counsel’s report that Attorney General William Barr sent to Congress on Sunday found that while the report “does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him” on the question of obstruction of justice.

Speaking to reporters in Florida on Sunday before boarding Air Force 1, Mr. Trump called the findings a “complete and total exoneration.”

WASHINGTON, March 24

The record will show beyond dispute

the serpent never gave Eve any fruit.

№ 425: Trump And Putin (or Methinks the Laddie Doth Protest Too Much)

(with apologies to Jimmy Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn)

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

This I tell you, brother,

we'd not have one without the other.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

If you ask James Comey,

he'll say things were awfully homey.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That they're in cahoots there's no refutin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Try, try, try to separate them.

It's an illusion.

Try, try, try, and then you must conclude:

they're in collusion.

Trump and Putin, Trump and Putin.

That the Russkies helped there's no disputin'.

Lackeys duck and run for cover,

but just flip one, the others come,

one crook ratting out another.

Guilty!

Email subscribers click here.

№ 406.1 EXTRA! The Royal Wee (Trump's secret letter to former and present aides under investigation or already indicted)

Judges and juries

and their opinions

have no effect

on my millions of minions.

Even if everyone

saw you commit it

it isn't a crime

unless you admit it.

Even then I see no reason

for a big fuss, unless it's treason

targeting me and my family.

You do know that royalty

demands total loyalty.
I always follow 
this simple dictum:
if there was a crime,
then I am the victim.

This witch hunt won't

make me hysteric.

If they want to jail someone,

I'll give them Eric.

[updated 8/23/2018 11:08 am]

№ 406: Trump's Unfolding Strategy

I could maybe sit down with Mueller

with a Diet Coke and a cruller

IF he will agree

“truthful hyperbole”,

while NOT fully truthful

is truthfully useful.

AND it is not a lie. 

Cross my heart, hope that he dies.

What is truth?

What are lies?

Who's to say?

Who really cares, anyway?

It's bluffing and grinning,

it's losing or winning

that count at the end of the day.

I do not see facts as immutable truth.

I see a fact as a lie.

A lie I can kill or can buy.

Make go — and stay! —

far, far away.

Because I'm that kind of guy.

©The Daily Banter

№ 392: Forwards Runs Senescence Until Reveals The Mind

The Trumpublican Party now and forever —

no man-made activities affecting the weather! —

will proclaim always “America First”

come hell (in TIME) or high water 
from glaciers and cloudbursts.

It's only fair to pollute the air

if it results in a profit.

As to the water —

have you seen my daughter? —

I drink Diet Coke. I do not care.

I love the flag

and I love coal.

I have to brag

I'm not growing old.

I LOVE Viagra.

I don't need a soul.

Souls make no sense.

Just look at Pence!

There was NO “COLLUSION”! —

lock her up, lock her up.

Funny name, Mnuchin.

Yo', bro, wassup?

Us billionaires 

are fixed for life.

(Guy looks like that,

with such a hot wife?)

Glad Ryan's retirin'.

You would be, too.

Last thing I need:

a three-percent Jew.

Jared, Ivanka?

I know, I know.

I think they do it

bigly for show.

My Evangelicals?

We'll see, we'll see.

What good is God 

when you're got me?

№ 390: The Trump And Rudy Show

First, “NO COLLUSION! Not at any time!”

Then, “Collusion? Okay. BUT. . .that's not a crime.”

Rudy's legal word games sound a lot like Bill Clinton's,

his eyeballs are shuttlecocks misplayed in badminton.

As a consigliere, clearly, Rudy's a dud.

A bumbling and incompetent old Elmer Fudd.

For once and for all let us end all confusion,

saying straight out that treason's collusion.

The act is the fact whatever it's called.

Even Trump's Evangelicals would be appalled

were they not in the thrall of the orange hairball.

Pardon me if I sound like a grump.

BUT there's stupid, there's Rudy.

And then there is Trump.

№ 379: Trump – Putin Submit Joint Commungay (a toke, one of good will)

We agree there should be no rushing to judgment

concerning invading Crimea. (Nor punishment!)

Since it it clear Vladimir knows Siberia

he should have a free hand with Iran and Syria.

Though I deplore Germany buying his gas,

for dear Vladimir, I will let it pass.

What this is about is avoiding more wars.

Not what I (maybe) did in Moscow with whores.

Vlad says there was no election intrusion,

which proves absolutely there was no collusion.

The whole witch hunt thing is an obvious plot,

Vlad said, in my shoes, he'd have them all shot:

Mueller, Cohen, McCain, Lindsey Graham.

I said, “We'll see.” (You know what I'm sayin'.)

Since FBI, CIA, DIA lie to me,

Vlad will to replace all of them. Free!

Hereafter our country's first line of defense

will be rely entirely on Russian intelligence.

No. 311.1: EXTRA! Mr. Mueller On Line 1

WaPo: Trump’s allies worry that federal investigators may have seized recordings made by his attorney (Paywall)

Did Michael Cohen,

Trump's consigliere,

tap his own phone?

Trump toadies, be wary,

this could get scary.

No. 311: I'm Firing Mueller In The Morning (from L'Affaire Donald)

As previously reported in a TCC News exclusive, a German wax cylinder recording system installed in the White House during the Cleveland administration has continued to function unattended for over 100 years.

TCC News has once again been granted exclusive access to this recording system by informed Russian-speaking sources who requested anonymity which is fine with us since we can't spell their names anyway. This is what we heard:

(with apologies to Alan J. Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He's some dumb copper

Who thinks he's proper

No damn way I'm doing time

When I'm done tweeting in the morning

Mueller'll be finished real big time

So porn stars kissed me

He'll not dismiss me

He'll be gone and I'll be fine

I will be snacking

And saying, “Folks,

I sent him packing

The ‘collusion’ was a hoax.”

For I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He was so pompous

To think he could trump US

And he'll be gone and I'll. . .

He'll be gone and I'll. . .

For Gawd's sake, please agree that I'll be fine!

No. 310.2: EXTRA! Ready Or Not, Here I Come (Are You Ready, Vlad?)

WASHINGTON — President Trump put Syria and Russia on notice Wednesday morning in a Twitter post, promising that missiles fired at Syria “will be coming, nice and new and ‘smart!’”

     Mr. Trump has said publicly that sharing military plans could give enemies information they could use to their advantage.

— NYT: Trump Promises Strike on Syria and Warns Russia Against Backing Assad (Paywall)

Email subscribers click here.

Nuke” LaLoosh had Crash

and Reagan had Thatcher.

Problem is Donald's both

pitcher and catcher.

Tipping the batter on his next pitch,

proves he's a ignorant son of a bitch.

No. 310.1: EXTRA! Ryan Deserts Sinking Trump (draw your own collusion)

USA Today: Reports: House Speaker Paul Ryan is not running for re-election

WASHINGTON — House Speaker Paul Ryan told colleagues Wednesday he will not seek re-election, according to news reports from CNN and Axios citing unnamed sources.

(with apologies to Roy Orbison)

Email subscribers click here.

I was House Speaker for a while

Pumping iron I could smile

But then I realized my plight

And I had to take flight

From my political bed fellow

My job is pure hell

And I can't stand his smell

I'm so through lyin' over Trump

Lyin' over Trump

So I say, “So long”

To his porn stars and their thongs

I'm gone, I'm Ryan, Ryan,

Ryan, Ryan

It's not hard to understand

But his crazy demands

Can start me lyin'

I thought I could muddle through

It's not true, it's not true

I find that I deplore

This man I abhor

Quitin' is all I can do

For it's clear to me

That I must break free or end up dyin'

Dyin' over Trump

Yes, now I'm gone

And from this moment on

I'm through denyin', denyin'

Denyin', denyin'

Yeah, denyin', denyin'

Over Trump

No. 310: Vlad Advises Donald (a TCC News EXCLUSIVE)

EXCLUSIVE! TCC News has exclusively obtained a letter from Russian “President” Vladimir Putin to U.S. “President” Donald Trump.

My Dearest Donnie,

I hear “urine” bit of a spot.

In U.S. you can not have white people shot?

In your shoes that is what I would do.

(I would never let daughter marry a Jew.)

Will soon supply by diplo-pouch

TOP SECRET concoctions which I can vouch,

when smeared on doorknob or dropped in drink

should solve problem quick as a wink. 😉

Love, by the way, fake indignation

regarding Syria — well, say — “situation”?

Attached list of “cronies” I no longer trust.

Please, for me, throw them under the bus.

Sealed With Kisses!

4U I'm rootin'

through weather “Stormy”,

now and 4-Ever!

your best friend,

Vladimir Putin

Oh, and P.S.,

tell "Mel"

she did really swell

and when she's ready

she can come home.

[courtesy Google Translate]

Мой дорогой Донни,

Я слышу «мочу» немного места.

В США вы не можете застрелить белых?

В твоей обуви это то, что я буду делать.

(Я бы никогда не позволил дочери жениться на еврее.)

Скоро будет поставляться диплоф-мешочек

TOP SECRET, которые я могу поручиться,

когда смазывается на дверной ручке или бросается в напиток

должен решить проблему быстро, как подмигивание. 😉

Любовь, кстати, поддельное негодование

в отношении Сирии - ну, скажем, «ситуация»?

Прикрепленный список «друзей» я больше не доверяю.

Пожалуйста, для меня бросьте их под автобус.

Запечатанный с поцелуями!

4U Я rootin '

через погоду «Бурный»,

теперь и 4-Ever!

твой лучший друг,

Владимир Путин

О, и P.S.,

скажите «Мел»

она действительно набухала

и когда она готова

она может вернуться домой.