907: For Immediate Release?

Judge orders Michael Cohen's prison release after government ‘retaliation’

Trump’s ex-fixer sued federal prison officials and Barr on Monday, saying he was ordered back because he was writing a book

ANY DAY NOW (July 23) —

What is the point of being emperor

if you can't lock up people arousing your temper?

It is not as if I chopped off his head.

(Though I wouldn't mind if he turned up dead.)

I am sick of books smearing the my family name.

It is not endearing that my loony niece

will not let my dear dead dad Fred rest in peace

because I tried to screw her out of her share.

I gotta sue her. Sooner or later.

After I've dealt with Cohen. THE TRAITOR!

He helped build my facade of legitimacy.

No criminal acts can be tracked back to me.

I am not afraid. Rats do not scare me.

Hire “house painter”? Call Giuliani.

I heard you paint houses. — Jimmy Hoffa

897: Donnie’s PPE Sillyoquy (after Richard № III)

WASHINGTON, A STREET (July 9) —

Let Democrats fear, let them wear hazmat suits

until Chinese virus completely subsides.

I, Donald J. Trump, refuse. I will not.

I’d look ridiculous. Those suits are hot

inside. Plus I have my pride. And my ties

clash with all those suits’ colors and cut.

(Which both emphasize the size of my gut.)

MSDNC would make me a joke.

And, in a hazmat suit, you can’t have a Coke®,

a Big Mac, or some other junk food

which I require when the mood strikes me. 
If I vanish this virus with a decree,

would not then the whole world have to like me

and have to ignore the sad lying book,

probing my massive brain’s crannies and nooks,
that says, psychologically, Trump is deformed,
that this pathology is Trump family norm,
that my father, Fred, was mad as a hatter,
that this gave rise to my need for flattery,
that daddy and mommy never did love me,
that no one could? Is this a discovery?
Trump is as Trump is. Trump does what Trump does.
Trump is trump always. Trump is because.

Donald J. Trump need not wear PPE.

No person, no thing can ever hurt me.

894.1: EXTRA! Family Feud À La Trump

Donald Trump suffered emotional abuse from his father, niece writes in bombshell book 

SO IT'S OKAY THEN (July 7) —

Okay, okay, Donnie, as a child, was abused,

therefore we all have to suffer

the consequences of his having had

a deficient father and mother.

His dad, Fred, was a psychopath,

or so we are told by Don's niece,

whose father, Don's brother, drank himself to death

in preference to joining Trump, Inc.

And Donnie's mother had medical problems.

Just think how that made Donnie feel.

Still, on the whole, we all should be thankful

that he is who he is and not Eugene O'Neill.

Although if we were, we might call our plight

one more Long Day's Journey Into [the] Night.

№ 883: Gilt By Association (or like Vaterland like son and grandson)

EXPLAIN AWAY (June 21) —

There is nothing for breakfast that I find finer

than pancakes made by MY Aunt Jemima.

Abraham Lincoln. Like me, a Republican.

Not many people know that.

What with his seizing citizens’ property,

I figured him for a Democrat.

Big deal, ABRAHAM! You “freed” a few “slaves”.

’Sme made Juney-teenth famous.

’Slike like we whites got too no “Negros”

by listening to Andy and Amos.

My dad, Fred Trump, “liked” die Amerikadeutscher Volksbund

because he was fond of das Vaterland.

There is, however, NO PROOF WHATSOEVER

that daddy or I joined the Ku Klucking Klan.

China's too blame for Kung Influenza

and Hussein Obama was born in Kenya.
“Rule of Law”? For losers and fools.
A strongman rules using whatever tools.

I cudda slud down that ramp at the Point,

but it wudda been SAD if I fell

on account of my shiny slippery soul

and, well, since I’m goin' t' hell . . .

hell, truth to tell, 'swhere I belong

and when I take the country along

it'll be swell. In fact, on the level . . .

made a GREAT deal with my grandpa, the devil.

№ 836: Spin Bald Wizard

Trump’s critique of WHO may be a diversion, but it resonates beyond the White House (Paywall)


Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Jerome Kern, Otto Harbach, and Oscar Hammerstein II)
LOOK OVER THERE (April 15) —

I learned from an early age, if

you’re threatened by contagion,

divert attention — ever a sure bet

Daddy Fred and my Roy Cohn,

sadly both long dead and gone,

yet I still remain to them in-debt-

ed

WHO 

is responsible

Who?

Me? “Imponsible!”

WHO 

did things, I never would do

WHO 

knew things, I never knew too

WHO 

Cut their funds I say

Who

needs WHO anyway?

Who?

Between me and you

WHO knew

Don't blame me, blame WHO

№ 789: Trump Triumphant March

Email subscribers click here. 


THE IMPERIAL PALACE (February 10)

(with apologies to Phil Ochs)

I could not be drafted. Terrible “bone spurs”,

which, let me tell you, made me sore.

My unfortunate condition was a major imposition.

Otherwise, I would have won the war.

I, myself alone, could have captured Ho Chi Minh,

had him begging, crying, pleading on all fours.

They forced me to stay home because “spurs” were on my bone. . . 

otherwise, I would have won the war.

It really was a shame but I was not to blame.

Doctor's letter said, “This boy is lame.”

I cudda had real fun runnin' with a gun

winning medals, battles, and a lot of fame.

My granddad deserted his homeland, Germany,

so he would not have to fight in Prussia's wars,

and my daddy, Fred, had NAZI sympathies.

Otherwise, I would have won the war.

I know more than generals and admirals and the rest

when it all comes down to use of force.
As any will attest, I am always very best,
so, of course, I'd win any war.

It really was a shame but I was not to blame.

Doctor's letter said, “This boy is lame.”

I cudda had real fun runnin' with a gun

winning medals, battles, and a lot of fame.

As Supremest Leader I can do what I like:

add my face to Rushmore, settle scores,

tell anyone who bothers me, “You can take a hike!”

And, of course, I can win a war.

Now Democrats are crazy 'cause the market's headed up,

while unemployment's going through the floor.

Even if it's treason, there really is no reason

I can't go out and win a war.

An easy-peasy, tiny little war.

№ 732.2: EXTRA! May The Fore Be With You

Trump golf cart rentals have now cost US taxpayers more than half a million dollars

The president spends a lot of time on the links, almost exclusively at his own properties. At the end of October, Trump made his 224th visit to one of his 17 golf courses since assuming office three years ago. On each outing, the Secret Service must follow. And with their golf carts comes a big bill for the American public.

Before he was elected, Trump regularly excoriated former US president Barack Obama for golfing.

Can you believe that,with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf.Worse than Carter

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2014

However, Obama played 333 rounds of golf during his 8-year tenure as president—roughly 1,665 hours—or about 3% of his total time in office. Roughly 61% of his outings took place at golf courses owned and operated by the US military. In a little less than three years, Trump has so far spent nearly 2,200 hours golfing, or roughly 20% of his time in office. He has played all but two rounds at his own private clubs, according to Craig Holman, a government affairs lobbyist at Public Citizen, a DC watchdog group.

 FORE MORE YEARS (November 23)

I make up the rules as I go along.

I got no time to follow 'em.

Legal requirements, laws and that stuff

only apply if you swallow 'em.

Which Roy Cohn and my father (Darth Vader)

taught me never to do.

So I don't and I won't, not now and not later.

(Bring me a Coke from the refrigerator!)

I am bold, I broke the mold,

I am THE ONE who was foretold.

I like to play golf, I like yelling, “FORE!”

And what is more, I cheat on my score,

as I do on my wives (who lead comfortable lives).

Though they may suffer, they thrive — well, survive.

They sign agreements to keep their mouth shut 

and get a great payoff. (Not bad for a slut.)

Maybe I'm “naughty”, maybe I'm “snotty”.
Maybe some say I'm just like John Gotti.
I SAY: in the end there's no crime or sin,
if you get away and pull out a win.

№ 712.2: EXTRA! Kim's Gotta Swim, I Gotta Lie, If You Follow Me, We're All Gonna Die

‘Crafty and vicious’: North Korea warns US not to ignore deadline for talks


Pyongyang’s top nuclear negotiator says there are no ‘permanent friends’ and US should heed calls for a new approach

North Korea has warned that there has been no progress in relations with the US, and that hostilities that could lead to an exchange of fire have continued.

In a statement under the name of the chairman of the Korea-Asia Pacific Peace Committee, Kim Yong-chol, North Korean state news agency KCNA said on Sunday that it would be a mistake for the US to ignore a year-end deadline on Kim has set an end-of-year deadline for denuclearisation talks with Washington.Donald Trump’s and Kim Jong-un’s “close personal relations”.

Kim has set an end-of-year deadline for denuclearisation talks with Washington.

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart)

CLOUD CUCKOOLAND (October 27)

Falling in love with Kim was falling for make believe
Falling in love with him, I was a tool;
I am inclined to live in a juvenile fancy
I thought Kim fine, we were both bullies in school

I fell in love with Kim, he reminded me of my dad
I am unwise which if you have eyes you can see
I fell in love with Kim, but Kim contrasting-
ly fell out with me

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 698: Donnie's Judgment Day

HEAVEN'S GATE (October 6)

Come Judgment Day, we can foretell
Trump telling St. Peter, “No, YOU go the hell.
I am TRUMP, Donald J., I go where I want!
And ‘TRUMP’ is always bold UPPERCASE font.
Your low-IQ God-guy hasn't a clue.
If I don't get in, Rudy will sue you.
God, too. And everyone else there as well.
I will to see to it, your heaven's a hell.

“In addition to which, I can't go to hell.
I'd be with my father. . .we don't get on well.
He did lotsa stuff, I think, to spite me.
I don't think daddy ever did like me.

“I will renovate heaven!
NO, I'M NOT BEING FUNNY.
I'll make it great again.
My name. God's money.”
TRUMP HEAVEN

№ 695: What Dad Fred And Lawyer Roy Learned Young Donnie (oh boy, oh boy)

If Donald Trump Does It, It’s Not a Crime (Paywall)

Trump sees the Ukraine call as a “nothing” because he has spent his entire adult life skirting, mocking, ignoring or breaking the law.

Most people, perhaps even most sociopaths, have an internal alarm that goes off when they do something wrong. They may not feel an ounce of guilt, remorse or sorrow, but their instinct for survival is strong enough to send a red alert.

Not so with President Trump. The first question I had after reading the White House reconstruction of the July 25 phone call, in which he prods Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to interfere with an American election, was: How could they release this?

“It turned out to be a nothing call,” Trump said. He also described it as “beautiful” and “perfect” and asked for an apology from his critics.

ANDTHATSTHEWAYITIS (October 1)

“Everything you get away with is legal,”
is what my dad always thought.
Later in life, Roy Cohn taught me,
“There's nothing out there cannot be bought.”

He said, “‘Justice’ is just a market commodity
something you buy and you swap.
You make a ‘deal’ under the table?
These people you deal with. . .they can't call a cop.

“If they threaten to. . .we threaten to sue,
saying we'll show they are more dirty than you
and I recommend they don't really want to.
Irregardless of grudges, I  ‘know’ the judges.
They're in my tank at ‘The Old Favor Bank’.”

[updated 10/2/2019, 1:03 am]

№ 687.2: EXTRA! Trump: I'm Just Biden My Time

Trump, Scrutinized Over Interaction With Ukraine, Still Calls for Biden Probe   

The Trump campaign sent supporters an email on Saturday echoing the calls by the president and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to investigate Mr. Biden over widely discredited allegations of impropriety. “What is Joe Biden hiding?” the email read. Mr. Trump in tweets accused Democrats and the media of starting a “Ukraine Witch Hunt.”

SAYITAIN'TSODONNIE (September 22)

Hey, Hunter Biden

wudda ya hidin'?

I know you must be a crook.

I have a fam'bly

and for exam'bly

for crookedness we cooked the book.

My dad was a big shot

(comparatively)

though he never was

as big as me.

I keep his photo

on White House desk.

He's senile and dead,

but I think he's impressed.

And my kids?

Connivers and liars

chips, all, 

off the block.

Had to be. 

Obviously. 

Superior stock.

No one can shame us. . .

Your father's famous,

though not as famous as me.

If he had a show

he'd have ratings SO LOW.

That I can guarantee.

You musta cashed in

and pulled strings to win

seeing' as how you're related to him.

Unless you're a jerk

who actually works.

People like that

drive me berserk.

So stupid. Unwillin'

to make a killin'.

'Fraid someone'll say,

“Him. He's the villain.”

Always deny. Deny and stay calm.

Act like you're in the eye of the storm.

When the dust settles,

when the winds wane,

you point someone out.

“Him you should blame.”

Smirk, pretend innocence,

be free as the breeze.

That is how us

big rats get cheese.

(Roy Cohn always told me

when you're under attack

if what they say is true

hit back and distract.)

Me? I'm as honest as the day is long.

(At the North Pole on Christmas morn.)

Speaking of Christmas

it will be nice

when I am as famous

as Jesus Christ.

There is a man

who knows how to brand

He lives in the desert

but I am more tan

Which, I don't know,

but I would guess

means that I've had

the greater success.

№ 680: Bolton The Stable Door After The Whores Half-Clothed

John Bolton Ousted by Trump as National Security Adviser

‘I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions,’ the president said on Twitter, ‘therefore I asked John for his resignation’

...Mr. Bolton offered a different account of his departure, writing: “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, ‘Let’s talk about it tomorrow.’ ”

THE LAND OF OZ, Little Man Behind The Curtain (September 10)

I fired Bolton.

Despite his disputin'.

I fired Bolton.

It wasn't Vlad Putin

who pulled the trigger.

I fired Bolton.

I said, “Good bye, John.

I wish you the best,

enjoy the farm.”

I fired Bolton,

gave him the shove

sent him “upstate”

like dad did with

that puppy I loved.

I fired Bolton.

Told him to go.

Let there be no doubt

who's running this show.

I fired Bolton.

Said, “It's been a laugh

and, by the way,

hate the mustache.”

I fired Bolton.

That is not a felony.

It's a lesson for all. . .

including you, Melanie.