№ 709: Donnie Want Piece Pries (wait'll next year)

 TCCN EXCLUSIVE 

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 21)

THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned that announcement of the winner of 2019 Nobel Peace Prize was withheld from U.S. President Donald J. Trump until last evening. President Trump had considered himself the front runner. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY is the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL®.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee, made up of five members appointed by the Norwegian Parliament none of whom are registered Republicans, announced Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali as the winner on October 11. 

According to TCCN's exclusive sources who have requested anonymity because she is not authorized or qualified to speak on such matters or much of anything else really, the president was for several days diverted from watching TV by Secret Service agents placing a number of “bright, shiny objects” throughout the White House and flashing laser beams on them. The First Lady also disclosed that the president was continually provided with extra-strength Diet Coke® during the crisis.

The news embargo was finally shattered when Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) assured Mr. Trump he'd be “a shoe-in next year”. The president, when done blubbering into his blankie, demanded he be told the whole story and was briefed by aides. Slowly.

According to TCCN's exclusive source, Mr. Trump, after being dissuaded by top military advisers from launching preemptive nuclear strikes on Norway and Ethiopia and being advised by in-house consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, there was no one he could sue, sent a “beautiful” congratulatory letter to Mr. Abiy, closing with the admonition “Have a NICE life.”

The Wikipedia entry on Mr. Abiy states he 

is multilingual and speaks Afaan Oromo, Amharic, Tigrinya, and English. He is a fitness aficionado and professes that physical health goes hand in hand with mental health and, as such, he frequents physical and gym activities in Addis Ababa. Abiy is a devout Evangelical Pentecostal Christian of the Full Gospel Believers' Church.

The following tweet, since deleted, was Mr. Trump's only other response.

DONNIEDREAM (October 20)

How can it be with a brain of my size

I did not win the No Bell Peas Pries?

Really?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?

WHAT (excuse me!) THE FUCK is great about him?
He could never, had he the whim,

vaporize nations with nuclear power

and has not got his name on one fucking tower!

These pries-giving whoevers do not realize

what I might do if I don’t get a pries.
Really!? Obama AND the Daily Lama,
but nothing for me? That could cause trauma.

It'd be great during next year's campaign. . .
my name's announced. . .Dems go insane.
Meantime, jes' sayin', it would be shame
if Africa-guy hopped on a bad Boeing plane. . .

№ 586.1: EXTRA! Questioning The Attorney Generally

THE SWAMP, May 1

Trump thought he'd relax
after Bill Barred the facts.
But, dang it, it isn't that simple.
GOP side (again!) played the Hillary card,
Dem side tried (hard!) catching Bill Barr off guard
and sly Lindsey G. shyly peeked from his wimple.
Answering questions Bill Barr seemed aloof
and stupid when queried on Mueller's reproof.
(As for el jefe — dear God, what a goof,
the man has the brain of a pimple!)

Breathe deep. Close your eyes. Count up to ten.
Everything's better. We're great again!
(So long as our eyes remain unopened.)

[updated 5/2/2019, 12:25 p.m.]

№ 504: Southern Exposure

I pity Southerners

who time and again

have been betrayed

by cliques of old men

who retain power

by switching labels,

pretending there's truth

in racial fables.

The party may change

but the program remains:

keep white and black

forever estranged;

make them compete

for a small bit of gruel;

insure the same folk

continue to rule.

I give you McConnell,

Graham and others

and wonder if they'd been

smothered by mothers

with foresight to see

what they'd turn out to be,

would they be missed?

Well. . .not by me.

No. 281: A More Perfect 10 (a Trumpoline mash-up)

I.

I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have any gods before me.	Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances

Free speech? Free press?
If you're a Christian or Jewish Capitalist.
Assembling allowed
for church on Sunday.
Redress of grievances?
Well. . .maybe someday.

II.

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Idols are fine.

Indeed, they're fun.

Especially if

they carry a gun.

III.

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

If swearing soldiery

is not allowed,
no matter where
or how they are housed,

our Army will not

make much of a crowd.

IV.

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Those who keep holy the Sabbath day

don't need these “rights” really now do they?

After all, if with the Good Lord you abide,

what could you possibly have need to hide?

V.

Honor your father and your mother.

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

If you obey your Mom and Dad,

they'll probably say you're never bad.

If you are white, polite, have a nice smile

you should never need to stand trial.

VI.

You shall not murder.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

A White Christian male “standing his ground”,

who confronting some [REDACTED]

is quick on the trigger?

We cannot see where there's fault to be found.

VII.

You shall not commit adultery.

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

We all “adult”.

No harm, no foul.

(And what can you get today

for twenty bucks anyway?)

VIII.

You shall not steal.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Steal? Steal? What you mean “steal”?

I'll not post bail and I'll appeal.

You'll never repeal my Art of the Deal.

IX.

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people

“False testimony”?

What and idea!

All I say is true.

Or so I hear

on the box

as I watch FOX.

I've the right to disparages

and multiple marriages.

X.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house, wife, or property.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people

I never covet. I see. I take!

I mean, come on. Give me a break!

I'm uninhibited.

I can't be prohibited.

It's my right as a “people”

can THAT be agreed?

Both Lindsay and Jeff say
the South can secede.