TCCN EXCLUSIVE
THE GOLD HOUSE (October 21)
THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned that announcement of the winner of 2019 Nobel Peace Prize was withheld from U.S. President Donald J. Trump until last evening. President Trump had considered himself the front runner. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY is the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL®.
The Norwegian Nobel Committee, made up of five members appointed by the Norwegian Parliament none of whom are registered Republicans, announced Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali as the winner on October 11.
According to TCCN's exclusive sources who have requested anonymity because she is not authorized or qualified to speak on such matters or much of anything else really, the president was for several days diverted from watching TV by Secret Service agents placing a number of “bright, shiny objects” throughout the White House and flashing laser beams on them. The First Lady also disclosed that the president was continually provided with extra-strength Diet Coke® during the crisis.
The news embargo was finally shattered when Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) assured Mr. Trump he'd be “a shoe-in next year”. The president, when done blubbering into his blankie, demanded he be told the whole story and was briefed by aides. Slowly.
According to TCCN's exclusive source, Mr. Trump, after being dissuaded by top military advisers from launching preemptive nuclear strikes on Norway and Ethiopia and being advised by in-house consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, there was no one he could sue, sent a “beautiful” congratulatory letter to Mr. Abiy, closing with the admonition “Have a NICE life.”
The Wikipedia entry on Mr. Abiy states he
is
multilingual and speaks Afaan Oromo, Amharic, Tigrinya, and English.
He is a fitness aficionado and professes that physical health goes
hand in hand with mental health and, as such, he frequents physical
and gym activities in Addis Ababa. Abiy is a devout Evangelical
Pentecostal Christian of the Full Gospel Believers' Church.
The following tweet, since deleted, was Mr. Trump's only other response.
DONNIEDREAM (October 20)
How can it be with a brain of my size
I did not win the No Bell Peas Pries?
Really?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?
WHAT (excuse me!) THE FUCK is great about him?
He could never, had he the whim,
He could never, had he the whim,
vaporize nations with nuclear power
and has not got his name on one fucking tower!
These pries-giving whoevers do not realize
what I might do if I don’t get a pries.Really!? Obama AND the Daily Lama,
but nothing for me? That could cause trauma.
It'd be great during next year's campaign. . .
my name's announced. . .Dems go insane.
Meantime, jes' sayin', it would be shame
if Africa-guy hopped on a bad Boeing plane. . .