No. 222.1: EXTRA! NRA — Guns Don't Always Kill People; Not Everyone's Such A Hot Shot

(HARRISBURG, Pa.) — Police say a 10-year-old boy playing with a gun he thought was a toy shot his 6-year-old sister in the chest.

— TIME: Boy Shoots 6-Year-Old Sister in the Chest With a Gun He Thought Was a Toy, Police Say

The NRA response to this case

will not be our typical

“Shut up, in your face!”

The problem is not

guns in the home

or children with guns

let alone

the right to bear arms

in cities, on farms.

As we are forever explaining

the problem is inadequate training.

With gun practice startin'

in kindergarten

we'd have fewer

haphazardy tragedies.

If this “little girl”

had also been armed

chances are she might

not have been harmed.

The solution gets clearer

hour by hour.

Everyone needs

more firepower.

No. 222: Adams and Atwood

Today, instead of my usual screed,
I'm offering something of interest to read.
(You can skip the Adams and the “Spanish Succession”.
Read the Atwood. That's my suggestion.)

Douglas Adams told us that “42”

was the answer to every question

from, one assumes, “What are we to do?” to

“What was The War of the Spanish Succession?”

Margaret Atwood put forward her own explanation.

She posits a very different causation.

That is it for today's feed.
Go ahead, click above, sit back and read.

No. 221.2: EXTRA! For Men Only

ATTENTION!

All men,

gay, straight and bi-:

sign this right now

or explain why

in your “special” case

it doesn't apply.

I cannot state categorically

that — speaking historically —

I have never behaved like a knave

in the pursuit of what gentlemen crave.

x                                                   

I might have been tired, drunk or distracted,

when to some woman (or guy) I felt attracted.

And, may I say, he/she was provoking

while I, for my part, was only joking?

John Q. Everyguy

Not a bad try.

But can we deduce

men are a sorry excuse?

No. 221.1: EXTRA! A Bit Of Advice (or to con a phase)

Ever seeking new ways to purloin

rob, steal, pilfer, confabulate

funders of hedges are trading bitcoin

praying it isn't already too late

to play on human cupidity

by preying on investors' stupidity

and selling what amounts, I suppose,

to high-tech takes on the Emperor's new clothes.

Jealous, I am. I want in on the scam.

I herewith propose an alternative.

Monsieur madam, AIR COIN^® is no sham

it might even be too conservative.

Yes, to be fair, it is just hot air

and “mined” every time you exhale.

Coins can be stored in expandable purses

which, when pricked, AIR COIN^® disperses.

Bitcoin or AIR COIN^®? Let me be terse.

Who can honestly say which one is worse?

No. 221: Do Over!

...hunter-gatherers considered their environments to be eternally provident, and only ever worked to meet their immediate needs. They never sought to create surpluses nor over-exploited any key resources.

— Guardian: How Neolithic farming sowed the seeds of modern inequality 10,000 years ago

If in “civilization” you “choose” to partake,

you have to acknowledge it's been a mistake.

Our hunter-gatherer forebears

cared for themselves (AND theirs!)

with minimum bother and much less fuss

than day-to-day living requires of us.

They ate what they found as they wandered.

They did not save. They did not squander.

They lived off the land with what came to hand

and as a whole the whole thing was grand.

Then an evil need planted a seed

which led to farming which led to greed

which led weapons which led to war

which led to us AND all we are good for:

exploiting, killing, breeding, diseases,

destroying whatever, whenever it pleases.

If ancestors from 10,000 years past

could visit today, they'd be aghast.

They'd return to their time, uproot their crops

to try ensure development stops.

They'd go on a hunt, they'd eat a weed,

they'd pray that the wheel doesn't succeed.

To suppress their distress, they'd end “progress”

leaving us better off for it. (I guess.)

[updated/corrected: December 7, 2017, 11:56 am EST]

No. 220.1: EXTRA! Hemings-Jefferson Monument Tally

The New York premiere of William Bolcom’s composition, From the Diary of Sally Hemings, could not be more timely. With so much news focused on racial tensions, as well as the recent uproar over sexual aggression by powerful men, this piece explores the relationship between Thomas Jefferson and his slave with whom he fathered six children over 38 years.

— DC Metro: Review: ‘From the Diary of Sally Hemings’ at Unison Media

Right wing and left wing on this agree:

Jefferson Monument must be torn down.

Post-Moore, post-Weinstein it's easy to see

it's a disgrace to our capital town.

All vent rage at degenerate “sage”,

both sides join in attack.

For Liberals because Sally was underage,

for Conservatives because she was black.

No. 220: Cool, A GOP Jazz Riff (featuring Alan Greenspan on clarinet)

Relax, man!

Don't worry that “voters” don't like out tax plan.

What they opine is of no note.

When we are done, they will not have the vote.

We're packing the courts, changing the system,

replacing “democracy” with Ayn Randy wisdom,

paring government down to a minimum,

running the country as a condominium

where voting depends on shares outstanding

and peasants — er, people — can't go demanding

food, water, shelter. . .“justice”, medical care

that they don't pay for. How is it fair

to ask us, their betters, their natural superiors

to pay for the upkeep of all these inferiors?

Soon, with robots replacing the masses

we'll no longer need these “working” classes.

We'll just tell Alexa to order a car

to drive us from wherever we are

to the beach house, the country club, the airport, the yacht.

Any hoi polloi in our way will be shot.

We all agree: this is fair. Do we not?

No. 219.3 EXTRA! Letter Of Condolence

Russia’s Olympic Committee has been banned from the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang and ordered to pay $15m in costs after making what the International Olympic Committee called an “unprecedented attack on the integrity of the Olympic Games and sport”.

— Guardian: Russia banned from Winter Olympics over state-sponsored doping

Dear Vlad,

Personally, I Donald, think it's a shame

banning your boys (burly girls?) from Winter Games.

I, like you, favor using all means,

human growth hormone, amphetamines. . .

If you want to win, you go to extremes.

Sorry your guys (gals?) won't have their flag

and won't be allowed to compete in drag,

but when the dust settles,

I'll send you our medals.

All's well that ends well

and I'll build you a hotel.

(And, I trust, you will agree

to leave locating the cameras to me.)

Love ya 4eva,

your pal,

Donald John

No. 219.2: EXTRA! More Moore

What is the allure

of Judge Roy A. Moore?

It ain't his morals.

That's for damn sure.

Trump, when on tape he was caught,

apologized as an afterthought.

(He later denied he said what he said.

Truly, there's something wrong with his head!)

Fascinating, Moore's problem with truth.

When confronted with proof,

he stays cool and aloof,

shouting denials from the church roof.

There by the steeple

he assures the people

he's never done

anything creepy.

Getting all weepy,

he sounds like Trump denying his pee-pee tape

though in his instances we are talking RAPE!

No. 219.1: EXTRA! Judgement Day (Roy Moore Has It...)

Somebody — PLEASE! — take a hammer

to WHITE Alabama

come right upside their head.

How can these poor folk

be such force majeure folk?

Can't they be Christian instead?

Oh, I know that they say they are,

insist and pray they are,

but I say the way they are

would make any Savior

wish He was actu'lly dead.

Don't mean to be snide. . .but

go FAR AWAY Tide!

No. 219: An Ancient's Rime Of Taylor Who

Last year, Taylor Swift was SOMEONE
and I was seventy-three.
That Taylor Swift last year was SOMEONE
what could THAT mean to me?

Taylor Swift is still SOMEONE.
I am now seventy-four.
That Taylor Swift is still SOMEONE,
should I care more — or less? — than before?

If I offend, please forgive me.
I mean no disrespect for Ms. Swift.
It's just I'm tired of hearing about
people I don't identify with.

Give me tales about Eastwood,
Burnett, Poitier and Gabor.
Living or dead (and older than me),
that's who I need the news for.

Names remembered from childhood
(Is Taylor kin to Tom Swift?)
to ease me into senility
as I go slowly adrift.

No. 218: And For Our Next Trick...

GOP sees

more victories,

more winning seasons.

Here are our reasons.

First, we'll repeal

all The New Deal,

Social Security

is bound for obscurity.

Consumer protection

we consider infection.

We put our faith in

a Magic Marketplace.

We will not spare

Medicaid/Medicare.

So, if you're sickly,

learn to pray quickly.

We'll take our sabre

to organized labor.

And though it’s unsavory,

we may bring back slavery —

not, mind,

the “racial” kind! —

to end the allure

of being born poor.

If you want to eat,

we’ll put you to work

and provide housing

and post-work delousing

for jobs at present

considered unpleasant

for which we can’t

find immigrants,

who we will ban

as quick as we can.

We will exercise caution

outlawing abortion.

(Of course, we're lying.

Can't blame us for trying!)

Voting rights

will be applied.

No rich Christian Republican

will be denied.

(Oh, alright,

so long as they're white

and hate the unstraight.

It'll be great.)

Since challenges will,

likely, be mounted,

we’ll let others vote.

(Their votes won’t be counted.)

In foreign lands

or other hands

these plans might

seem dementary.

WE. DO. NOT. CARE!

We will do

what we've always pledged to:

repeal the 20th century.

(Once we've settled that score,

then we'll undo the one before.)

No. 217.8: EXTRA! This Call May Be Recorded For Quality Control And Training Porpoises

Charges went off. Smoke went up.

But the Pontiac Silverdome didn't come down.

— NPR: The Boom Was A Bust: Pontiac Silverdome Blows Up, Doesn't Come Down

Some have suggested I do a “pome”

comparing Trump to the Silverdome,

which did not implode

when they tried to explode it.

It failed to collapse

due to wiring mishaps.

Here's hoping there was no sim'lar disorder

with “Mic” Flynn's clandestine recorder.

No. 217.7 EXTRA! Tomorrow (or the day after)

TODAY

GOP tax bill got over the hump.

Congressional shills celebrate triumph.

TOMORROW

When in the dark something goes bump

driving economy into a slump

Making America Gag On Trump,

what will they say, this (#MAGOT) clump?