№ 692.3: EXTRA! Down In The (Frankie Laine) Valley Of The Ukraine

Transcript of Donnie's meeting with Ukraine's comedian/president.

Email subscribers click here.

TIPPITY-TOP CLASSIFIED (September 28)

(with apologies to Johnny Lange, Hy Heath, Ramblin' Tommy Scott and Fred Glickman)

Hi ya, hi ya.
Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

ya tell me what you're hidin'
'bout Joe and Hunter Biden
then I will sell you missiles
if the blowers do not whistle
I can help prevent disruption
to your usual corruption
We'll get along, get along.

Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

ya give what I need then I'll
listen while you wheedle,
provide you weapons scary
to confront Putin's mil-
itary aggression
an' if you make concessions
we'll get along, get along.

Ukraine, hi ya, hi ya, Ukraine.
Glad t' meet ya, I'll explain, make it plain
Once I start, I don't stop
I don't stop, CLASSIFY THIS
tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top, tippity-top,
tippity, tippity, tippity-top
ya unnerstan?, we'll get along if

you are really glad that
I am such a badass
which I believe you orta,
have you met my daughter?
I will help you pack
when Vlad Putin attacks you
So go along, we'll get along.
We'll get along, get along.
Ukraine.
Hi ya, hi ya.
Hi ya, hi ya.

№ 692.2: EXTRA! Dead Trees Do Not Ride Again (a capital view)

More than half of native European trees face extinction, warns study 

THECOUNTINGHOUSE (September 27)

Tomorrow Europe will not see

the same variety of tree

they today in Europe see.

Ash and elm and rowan trees

swaying gently in the breeze

may succumb to some disease.

If pollution fails to kill 'em

the changing clime will do 'em in

leaving deserts for our children.

Well, so what? To hell with them.

Do trees serve a useful purpose?

Do trees turn a profit?

What's the point of having trees?

Who cares if we stop it?

So there will be fewer birds,

amphibs, reptiles, mammals.

These are things that no one eats.

And deserts do have camels!

This is just a false alarm

or should I say another?

Hey, tree-hugger, “Buy the farm,

Nature's not my Mother!”

Mining, lumber, manufacture,

technology make money.

Killing Bambi in the wood

would, I think, be funny.

Plus for those with allergies

trees are like to make you sneeze,

so you must excuse me, please,

when I say to hell with trees.

№ 692.1: EXTRA! A Donnie Daydream (hey, nonny, hey nonny, hell no)

FAN TIZZY ISLAND (September 27)

This Brexit stuff has got me thinkin'.

Why can't Ivanka be queen of Inklan?

Inklan's an island. Why can't I buy it?

Divide Windsor Palace into luxury “flats”?

My famblie's as Royal an even more German.

Plus we are also Scots, two.

I bet my man Rudy could somehoe figure 

the Inklish queen should be a Jew.

Not that my daughter is actually J-ish,

I'm sure it's only a stage.

I, myself, did a bunch of dumb stuff

when I was exactly her age.

Inklan's got gold and incredible wealth.

Maybe I should be queen their myself.

№ 692: Jack And Donnie (And Liz?)

TOMORROWANDTOMORROWANDTOMORROW (September 26)

JFK told us, “Shoot for the moon”

while he, himself, worked the bed-room.

He was a phony, but it was inspiring.

Donnie's more “honest”. And very tiring.

Both blatantly lied about being healthy.

Jack was more modest about being wealthy.

Both chided news outlets. Which condemnation

was duly rewarded with fan approbation.

The Herald Tribune, I fear, is no longer.

CNN, it appears, is a wee tiny bit stronger.

Neither Jack nor Donnie was what you could call “qualified” —

I wonder did THAT EVER matter? 

Although everything Kennedy's foreign to me. . .

Forced to pick? Reluctantly Jack, over the latter.

Elizabeth Warren now sits in Jack's place,

warming his seat in the Senate. If
we were to replace Donnie with Liz,

I wonder what would be the benefit?

Going from dumb ass to over-the-top?

One thing's for damn sure, this has to 🛑.

If Donnie loses — please, let it be so! —
you have to wonder, would he actually go?
Would he try to hang on — on some pretense
that, even to FOX, does not make sense?
Would FOX proclaim how this hard lesson,
has now secured Ivanka's succession?

№ 691.2: EXTRA! Donnie Plea Bargains

This stuff with Ukrainia

is really a painia

in my most ample butt.

BUT I am confident

all my close confidants

are gonna keep they're mouth shut

and not spill the beans

because that would mean

an end to my precedence

which would be disproportionate

and most unfortunate

and you'd be stuck with Mike Pence

who all agree

is worse than me

in addition to which he's a schnook.

Though I am a liar

who loves yelling “FIRE!”,

I am an adorable crook

whose crazy views

play well on FOX News —

I am very a-pre-ci-ated

by the old codgers

who hate draft dodgers

and think Meryl Streep's overrated.

The way that I see it

it makes great TV, in-

creasing cable news viewing.

CNN should be thankful,

I earn them a tankful

of loot 'coz I do what I'm doing.

Do not sound the alarm!

Nobody's been harmed.

Billionaires are doing fine.

Even George Soros

is joining the chorus

acknowledging I am divine

or if not a god

a guy with a wad

the world will not soon be shot of.

I may be vain,

a hurricane. . .

damage. . .I've done a lot of.

But I am here

so everyone cheer.

I tell you it's going greatly.

Please I beg, trust me.

Please do not bust me.

Have I ever lied to you lately?

№ 691.1: EXTRA! Innocent When Proven Guilty (lowering the Barr)

Justice Dept.’s Dismissal of Ukraine Call Raises New Questions About Barr (Paywall)

WASHINGTON — At the end of August, when two top intelligence officials asked a Justice Department lawyer whether a whistle-blower’s complaint should be forwarded to Congress, they were told no, Attorney General William P. Barr and his department could handle the criminal referral against the president of the United States.

About four weeks later, the department rendered its judgment: President Trump had not violated campaign finance laws when he urged Ukraine’s president to work with Mr. Barr to investigate a political rival, former Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

LETATCESTMOI (September 25)

Look, I hire a guy

or I pay him a fee,

then he's supposed

to investigate me?

That doesn’t make sense.

It’s like prostitution.

I do not care what it

says in “THE Constitution”.

MY lawyer’s MY mouthpiece

MY consigliere.

He is not just some dumb

fuckin’ canary,

turning against me,

being a rat.

There's a solution

for people like that.

The problem’s not knotty.

Not to be snotty,

but I learned to deal with it

from my pal John Gotti.

A really great guy,

truly a beauty.

It was through him

that I met Rudy.

№ 691: Going Know Where Fast

ALLAREYESTERDAYS (September 25)

What don't we know? 
When don't we know it?

Everything? 
All of the time?

That is why we love our illogical

conclusion there is something divine

in our existence which, with persistence,

we may one day discover.

Although our endeavors, such as they are,
would not, in fact, impress your mother.

Our science, our art, our technology?

Alchemy, daubs and tautology.

Our long-term prospects remain as dire

as they were the day we hit upon fire.

Our “best-before” is about to expire.
We're spiraling downward into the gyre,
spilling from frying pan into the pyre.
—————
A note to email subscribers:
Apparently due to an inter-Google glitch some of yesterday's EXTRA! editions may not have been dispatched. Should you wish to peruse said issues, please click on following links:
№ 690.1: EXTRA! אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה (and I don't give a damn)
№ 690.2: EXTRA! Election (you say ether, I say anesthesia)
№ 690.3: EXTRA! Climate Change (White House Edition)

№ 690.3: EXTRA! Climate Change (White House Edition)

ICYHOTPATCH (September 25)

With glaciers melting faster and faster

we're clearly approaching some kind of disaster.

Some day soon we'll find due to heat

the cupboard is bare and we've nothing to eat.

The crops will have wilted (or drowned) in their fields

and Donnie, our King, will say he'll appeal

to the multiple gods with whom he's at odds

to have mercy on some of his worshipful sods.

That is to say after he feasts

on the scavenged carcasses of whatever beasts

are still around. Then he'll go to town

to watch Melanie try on a brand new ball gown.

This is the TRUTH. It is not news fake-ed.

That's the only time he'll get her naked.

This is not only because she's grown cold.

In point of fact, she finds him exceedingly old,

wrinkled and limp, resembling a blimp

and she's truly tired of hearing him whimper

and plead and talk of he need when after Stormy

she thought they'd agreed to end the pretense,

playing husband and wife,

and she 'd be free to get on with her life.

She thought when she signed the non-disclosure

she would not have to suffer this sort of exposure.

№ 690.2: EXTRA! Election (you say ether, I say anesthesia)

HOWMUCHMORECANWESTAN (September 25)

So what's with the shock

bordering on mockery

when pols persist

on breaking crockery

just as they pledged

to do when they ran.

Did you think, “Really,

it's only a scam

on their supporters”,

they winked at reporters,

“I wouldn't really do THAT!”?

The THAT in question

being whatever fell

out one day

from under their hat.

Donnie pledged to end

rules from “Big Brother”.

(Except for gay marriage

and pregnant ladies.)

Lizzie would nationalize

your father and mother

and if you don't like it,

tell you, “Go to Hades.”

Today's candidates are not disguising

that they are totally uncompromising.

No half measures will do for them.

They only know: you lose, I win.

This is why peace is harder than war.

At war you're sure what you're fighting for.

Whereas, at peace the name of the game

is just making sure we all think the same

and to do that you hafta be willin'

to do anything short of actual killin'

all who oppose you, all those who are villains

even though some may be just Swedish children.

Election season is no time to be reasonable.

Attempts at reason are seen as treasonable.

№ 690.1: EXTRA! אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה (and I don't give a damn)

TRUMP PALACE (September 25)

Glued to the box, in just socks, watching FOX

I watch as the Dems marshal their “facts”

knowing I dasn't relax over snacks

of burgers and Cokes. They are not joking.

I told the UN the globe’s on the wane,

I meddled in Vlad’s domain, the Ukraine.

While this is not a strain on my brain,

(and if it were I’d not deign to complain)

a lot of this shit is really a pain

and I do not think I would do it again

except for the fun of thumbing my nose

at everything Obama did, I suppose.

What with his “smarts” and smarmy “honesty”

he turned the government into a monast’ry.

Out with “dignity”, forget being “formal”.

My fans delight when I act normal.

Like back in the day when JFK

fiddled with chicks and had it his way

without his spouse, in the White House,

and it was charming if you were louse.

Whenever I tweet in distortional font,

gazillions of fans get what they want.
And, please excuse, but I must observe,
I am exactly what they deserve.

[updated 9/25/2019, 1:10 pm]
[updated 9/25/2019, 1:05 pm]

№ 690: “Climate Change” (14 April 1912)

ALLATSEA (September 24)

Lest you, our passengers, be caught unawares,

please be advised in re: the deck chairs

which our experienced crew are re-arranging,

although and albeit the weather is changing

as we near Greenland, that marvel of nature,

and whilst it is calving season for glaciers,

we've naught to fear from these mountains of ice

which our ship can get round in less than a trice.

Seeing icebergs so close should prove a thrill.

And, oh yes, we've cancelled today's life boat drill.

№ 689.2: EXTRA! Do I Dare To Say Impeach? I Do Not Think It Will Sing To Me

Pelosi announces impeachment inquiry into Trump over Ukraine scandal

Investigation will cast a dark cloud over Trump’s already norm-shattering presidency as he faces re-election

WISHFULTHINKING (September 24)

Why bother to start an impeachment process

which is destined to fail?

There isn't even the ghost of a chance

Donnie will end up in jail

where he belongs along with the throngs

of lawyers and corporate cheaters

who never do and are as unlikely to

as we are to measure in meters.

Declare Donnie Emperor and hope his temper

does not commensurately worsen.

Disband the Courts, the House, the Senate —

no benefit opposing his person.

Give him all prizes, Nobel and Pulitzer,

Oscars, Emmys and Tonys.

Any time he does not win

the fix was in, it was phony.

He won the Derby, the Indy 500,

the Stanley Cup and MVP.

He is the Rookie of Every Year.

The Apprentice made NBC.

Give him whatever he says he wants.

Tell him he is perfection.

As for the rest of us, where can we hide?

Maybe witness protection?

Keeping heads down

until he “leaves town”?

[updated 9/25/2018, 8:19 am]

№ 689.1: EXTRA! It Takes One Two No One

Robert O'Brien attended ‘routinely racist’ university in apartheid South Africa

Donald Trump’s new national security adviser studied at the segregated University of the Orange Free State

South Africa at the time was considered a pariah state and faced wide-ranging academic, sporting and cultural boycotts, backed by the UN. The US imposed sanctions in 1986, after Congress pushed through the Comprehensive Anti-Apartheid Act, overriding a veto by Ronald Reagan.

YOUGOTTAPROBLEMWITHSOMETHIN (September 24)

So what my guy supports apartheid?

It's not like he's some kind of Muslim.

(I don't mind good ones who murder journalists,

I mean like the terrorist hoodlums

who cheered from their roof when TWIN TOWERS collapsed.

I remember! That's proof! You've “forgotten”, perhaps?)

And he's not Hispanic. So what's the panic?

O'BRIEN is not Gonzales.

He's pure European like you and like me,

is not that sufficient solace.

I would if I could but sadly I can't

resurrect and appoint the late, great George Wallace.

№ 689: Cat-tingency Planning

Cats bond with their people too, study finds

Scientists say felines display similar ‘attachment styles’ with caregivers as dogs and children – but not everyone is convinced

ACCENTUATETHEPAWSITIVE (September 23)

“Your” cat really loves you. That is a fact,

the science says this is so. It is not an act:

the purring, the mewing, the rubbing your ankles,

which, when you trip, inadvertently rankles.

But “Puss” did not mean to cause you to fall,

she just thought you'd have her balance, that's all.

That you could, as she can, land on your feet.

(But if you did break your neck, she'd get something to eat.)

№ 688: Trump's Country, 'Tis Of Thee (with CANADIAN Brass!)

DISTRUST OF TRUMPUMBRIA (September 22)

Click and sing along!

     (First Fanfare)

My country, 'tis of thee,

under pres-ID-en-cy

of Trump, ka-ching!

White pride was not allowed

under Obama crowd

now we are loud and proud.

Of Trump we sing.

     (Second Fanfare)

We have our guns galore,

e-nuff to stock a store.

And ammo, too.
Male, Christian and we're white,

we're spoiling for a fight,

we know that might makes right.

We be-lieve Q.

     (Third Fanfare)

Trump rev-o-lu-TI-on.

Fix Con-sti-tu-TI-on?

“Maybe. We'll see.”

Nix on all balance checks,

guar-an-tee we have sex,

Greenland we will annex.

Fid-dle-dee-dee.

Donald is like a god.

We cheer and we applaud.

Of him we sing.

In him we place our trust

though he will bankrupt us

so what if he's a bust?

God save the king!

     (Fanfare Ultimo)

№ 687.2: EXTRA! Trump: I'm Just Biden My Time

Trump, Scrutinized Over Interaction With Ukraine, Still Calls for Biden Probe   

The Trump campaign sent supporters an email on Saturday echoing the calls by the president and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to investigate Mr. Biden over widely discredited allegations of impropriety. “What is Joe Biden hiding?” the email read. Mr. Trump in tweets accused Democrats and the media of starting a “Ukraine Witch Hunt.”

SAYITAIN'TSODONNIE (September 22)

Hey, Hunter Biden

wudda ya hidin'?

I know you must be a crook.

I have a fam'bly

and for exam'bly

for crookedness we cooked the book.

My dad was a big shot

(comparatively)

though he never was

as big as me.

I keep his photo

on White House desk.

He's senile and dead,

but I think he's impressed.

And my kids?

Connivers and liars

chips, all, 

off the block.

Had to be. 

Obviously. 

Superior stock.

No one can shame us. . .

Your father's famous,

though not as famous as me.

If he had a show

he'd have ratings SO LOW.

That I can guarantee.

You musta cashed in

and pulled strings to win

seeing' as how you're related to him.

Unless you're a jerk

who actually works.

People like that

drive me berserk.

So stupid. Unwillin'

to make a killin'.

'Fraid someone'll say,

“Him. He's the villain.”

Always deny. Deny and stay calm.

Act like you're in the eye of the storm.

When the dust settles,

when the winds wane,

you point someone out.

“Him you should blame.”

Smirk, pretend innocence,

be free as the breeze.

That is how us

big rats get cheese.

(Roy Cohn always told me

when you're under attack

if what they say is true

hit back and distract.)

Me? I'm as honest as the day is long.

(At the North Pole on Christmas morn.)

Speaking of Christmas

it will be nice

when I am as famous

as Jesus Christ.

There is a man

who knows how to brand

He lives in the desert

but I am more tan

Which, I don't know,

but I would guess

means that I've had

the greater success.