No. 312.2: EXTRA! Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission?

Dear Vlad,

If I have to bomb Syria back to the Stone Age

to keep Mueller and Comey off the front page

I hope and pray that you'll understand

and this won't interfere with your overall plan

for reconfiguring the geopolitical landscape

and please, please erase the you-know-what tape.

 

As ever,

Donnie

No. 312.1: EXTRA! What Donnie Told Comey (a dramatization)

In a phone call, Trump obsessed about the allegation he consorted with prostitutes in Moscow during Miss Universe in 2013: “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me.” 

— Guardian: The key points from James Comey's explosive book

A. number one:

pee-pee thing

has to be probed

because, you know,

I'm a germaphobe

so, therefore,

story cannot be true.

To prove it isn't

I'm counting on you.

That's me complete,

a germaphobe!,

like “The Chin”*

on the street mumbling 

and stumbling

in his bathrobe

for cops to see

he could not be

a Mafia boss

what with his mind

being long ago lost.

Vouched for (at least)

by his brother the priest

(I wonder where I

can get one of those?)

—————————————————

*For the better part of 30 years, [Vincent (“The Chin”)] Gigante feigned insanity in an effort to throw law enforcement off his trail. Dubbed "The Oddfather" and "The Enigma in the Bathrobe" by the press, Gigante often wandered the streets of Greenwich Village in his bathrobe and slippers, mumbling incoherently to himself, in what Gigante later admitted was an elaborate act to avoid prosecution.

Gigante's nickname, "The Chin", derived from his mother's use of the Italian pronunciation of his given name, Vincenzo (Vin-CHEN-zo). He had four brothers, Mario (born November 4, 1923), Pasquale A. Gigante (October 18, 1921 - January 7, 1983) and Ralph, who followed him into a life of organized crime before passing away in 1994. His last brother Louis Gigante became an ordained Roman Catholic priest at St. Athanasius Church in the South Bronx and city councilman. — Wikipedia 

No. 312: All Praising Trump (from the official HIMnal — printed in China)

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Dis-grace is just for other folks
For I am dis-grace free
Dis-grace is if I am ac-cused
Of crim-in-al-it-y

Dis-grace is when my ego's bruised
(That's so un-fair to me)

My sex a-buse was just a joke

And not a-dul-ter-y

I bribe and bull-y, sue and bluff
Be-have out-rage-ous-ly
Before the judge, shack-elled and cuffed
I'll de-mand clem-en-cy

Dis-grace will be the fate of the late
Re-pub-li-can Par-ty
Des-troyed, dis-traught and left pros-trate
On ac-count of me

No. 311.1: EXTRA! Mr. Mueller On Line 1

WaPo: Trump’s allies worry that federal investigators may have seized recordings made by his attorney (Paywall)

Did Michael Cohen,

Trump's consigliere,

tap his own phone?

Trump toadies, be wary,

this could get scary.

No. 311: I'm Firing Mueller In The Morning (from L'Affaire Donald)

As previously reported in a TCC News exclusive, a German wax cylinder recording system installed in the White House during the Cleveland administration has continued to function unattended for over 100 years.

TCC News has once again been granted exclusive access to this recording system by informed Russian-speaking sources who requested anonymity which is fine with us since we can't spell their names anyway. This is what we heard:

(with apologies to Alan J. Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He's some dumb copper

Who thinks he's proper

No damn way I'm doing time

When I'm done tweeting in the morning

Mueller'll be finished real big time

So porn stars kissed me

He'll not dismiss me

He'll be gone and I'll be fine

I will be snacking

And saying, “Folks,

I sent him packing

The ‘collusion’ was a hoax.”

For I'm firing Mueller in the morning

Before he convicts me of a crime

He was so pompous

To think he could trump US

And he'll be gone and I'll. . .

He'll be gone and I'll. . .

For Gawd's sake, please agree that I'll be fine!

No. 310.2: EXTRA! Ready Or Not, Here I Come (Are You Ready, Vlad?)

WASHINGTON — President Trump put Syria and Russia on notice Wednesday morning in a Twitter post, promising that missiles fired at Syria “will be coming, nice and new and ‘smart!’”

     Mr. Trump has said publicly that sharing military plans could give enemies information they could use to their advantage.

— NYT: Trump Promises Strike on Syria and Warns Russia Against Backing Assad (Paywall)

Email subscribers click here.

Nuke” LaLoosh had Crash

and Reagan had Thatcher.

Problem is Donald's both

pitcher and catcher.

Tipping the batter on his next pitch,

proves he's a ignorant son of a bitch.

No. 310.1: EXTRA! Ryan Deserts Sinking Trump (draw your own collusion)

USA Today: Reports: House Speaker Paul Ryan is not running for re-election

WASHINGTON — House Speaker Paul Ryan told colleagues Wednesday he will not seek re-election, according to news reports from CNN and Axios citing unnamed sources.

(with apologies to Roy Orbison)

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I was House Speaker for a while

Pumping iron I could smile

But then I realized my plight

And I had to take flight

From my political bed fellow

My job is pure hell

And I can't stand his smell

I'm so through lyin' over Trump

Lyin' over Trump

So I say, “So long”

To his porn stars and their thongs

I'm gone, I'm Ryan, Ryan,

Ryan, Ryan

It's not hard to understand

But his crazy demands

Can start me lyin'

I thought I could muddle through

It's not true, it's not true

I find that I deplore

This man I abhor

Quitin' is all I can do

For it's clear to me

That I must break free or end up dyin'

Dyin' over Trump

Yes, now I'm gone

And from this moment on

I'm through denyin', denyin'

Denyin', denyin'

Yeah, denyin', denyin'

Over Trump

No. 310: Vlad Advises Donald (a TCC News EXCLUSIVE)

EXCLUSIVE! TCC News has exclusively obtained a letter from Russian “President” Vladimir Putin to U.S. “President” Donald Trump.

My Dearest Donnie,

I hear “urine” bit of a spot.

In U.S. you can not have white people shot?

In your shoes that is what I would do.

(I would never let daughter marry a Jew.)

Will soon supply by diplo-pouch

TOP SECRET concoctions which I can vouch,

when smeared on doorknob or dropped in drink

should solve problem quick as a wink. 😉

Love, by the way, fake indignation

regarding Syria — well, say — “situation”?

Attached list of “cronies” I no longer trust.

Please, for me, throw them under the bus.

Sealed With Kisses!

4U I'm rootin'

through weather “Stormy”,

now and 4-Ever!

your best friend,

Vladimir Putin

Oh, and P.S.,

tell "Mel"

she did really swell

and when she's ready

she can come home.

[courtesy Google Translate]

Мой дорогой Донни,

Я слышу «мочу» немного места.

В США вы не можете застрелить белых?

В твоей обуви это то, что я буду делать.

(Я бы никогда не позволил дочери жениться на еврее.)

Скоро будет поставляться диплоф-мешочек

TOP SECRET, которые я могу поручиться,

когда смазывается на дверной ручке или бросается в напиток

должен решить проблему быстро, как подмигивание. 😉

Любовь, кстати, поддельное негодование

в отношении Сирии - ну, скажем, «ситуация»?

Прикрепленный список «друзей» я больше не доверяю.

Пожалуйста, для меня бросьте их под автобус.

Запечатанный с поцелуями!

4U Я rootin '

через погоду «Бурный»,

теперь и 4-Ever!

твой лучший друг,

Владимир Путин

О, и P.S.,

скажите «Мел»

она действительно набухала

и когда она готова

она может вернуться домой.

No. 309: Failure To “Q”

 Daily Beast: Roseanne Roseanne Keeps Promoting QAnon, the Pro-Trump Conspiracy Theory That Makes Pizzagate Look Tame    

     “President Trump has freed so many children held in bondage to pimps over this world. Hundreds each month. He has broken up trafficking rings in high places everywhere. . . .” 

     In November, she became a bit player in one of her favorite theories: a 4Chan-based conspiracy called QAnon that alleges satanism and sex-trafficking by Trump’s opponents.

     “who is Q?” Barr tweeted the morning of Nov. 17.

     “tell Qanon to DM me in the nexxt 24 hours,” she tweeted hours later.

     “Q” or “QAnon” refers to a user on the anonymous message board 4chan. The user claims to be a high-ranking government official with inside knowledge of the White House where, he claims, Trump is planning mass arrests of top Democrats for allegedly being involved in a satanic child-sex-trafficking ring. 

Could "Q" be Donald, who we know.

lives to disrupt the status quo?

Tweeting and golfing and gobbling Big Macs

has he become "Q" as a way to relax?

Wheels within wheels, this conspiracy plan.

Could be "Q" stands for The Quran.

No. 308.2: EXTRA! Cohen, Cohen, Gone? (Someone soon, the question is who.)

USA Today: FBI raids Donald Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen's office, leading Trump to attack Robert Mueller

Trump angrily seized on the development Monday, calling the action "a disgraceful situation."

"It's total witch hunt," the president said at the White House. "It's an attack on our country in the true sense ... what we all stand for."

As a citizen-businessman I never saw

one single reason to obey any law

federal, state, city, foreign or local.

Obeying the law is strictly for yokels.

(Of course, there is God's law,

bing, bing, bang, blah, blah, blah

when I play Evenjellyskull, ha-ha-ha-ha.)

So, now someone thinks I'm supposed to repent

simply because Vlad made me president?

No. 308.1: EXTRA! Bolton Loaded

John Bolton takes over as national security adviser today in the midst of a new national security crisis: another chemical attack in Syria. President Trump responded with strongly worded tweets blaming both Russian President Vladimir Putin and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, warning there would be a “big price to pay.”

— WaPo: Bolton starts today, with a Syria crisis on the agenda. But there arelimits to what he can do. (Paywall)

“Lucky” John Bolton

on his first day

may get to say,

“Okay. Good to go!

All bombs away!”

and not have to wait

while Congres debates

to kill at will

people he hates.

No. 308: Same Old, Same Old

In every nation

the population's

abilities,

shall we say,

vary.

One person's smaller.

One person's taller.

One person's a worse'un. . . 

One
may be
very scary.

Now let's discuss

THEM vs. US,

i.e. inferior vs. SUPERIOR.

Looked at objectively,

one-by-one or collectively,

THEY are,
clearly,
beneath US.

(You want proof? Okay.
THEY stupidly say

they see things 
some other way.)

Our histories are, 
more or less, 
even,

regardless what lies
we say we believe in.

We're all good,

we're all bad,

we're clever,

we're mad.

We are sad. . .

We're heroes.

We're villains.
We hate (and love)
all of God's chillun.

It is undeniable

we're born unreliable.

The statistical averages

say we're all savages.
And,
strictly between us,
we regress toward the meanest.