№ 502: Trump Cabinet Reconvenes...Glory Be

NYT: Trump’s Freewheeling and Fact-Free Cabinet Meeting (Paywall)

For over an hour and a half, President Trump spoke on a variety of topics, including the border wall, Syria, his unpopularity abroad and Mitt Romney. Not all of it was accurate.

    Jan. 2, 2019

WASHINGTON — President Trump had a few things to say to start the new year.

About walls. About wheels. About death and sand. About Mitt Romney and Iran. About his popularity in Europe and within the Republican Party. About essentially firing Jim Mattis as defense secretary, and forcing the retiring senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake from office. And about validation from Kanye West and how his generals were “better looking than Tom Cruise.”

He lamented being lonely in the White House over Christmas and New Year’s. He had been essentially out of public view for a week, so when he convened his first cabinet meeting of 2019, he seemed to be releasin g some pent-up demand to be heard.

I find it so sad and very odd

that people still think that they need “God”.

What did “God” do to end abortion?

NADA! He left it to me as my portion.

(Granted, it’s not yet a done-deal

but I’m getting us close to Roe-Wade repeal.)

Another sad fact is  

“God” doesn't do taxes.

And like “God”  — isn't he in retirement? —

I don’t give a fig about the “environment”.

What profit a man having air, food and water

when he already has the world’s hottest daughter,

if keeping air, food and water clean

costs him cash-money. I mean it’s obscene.

But, back to the point:  

Why “God” before me?

I can do more

I guarantee.

If this idea meets too much resistance,

I could keep “God” as a comedic assistant.

Like I had on TV.
And, in consequence,
dispense with Pence,
who I have to question. Is he really loyal?
Plus I hate how he acts like a goil.

All of these churches,  

temples. . .whatever. . .

could be re-purposed  

now and forever.

You gotta admit

they’d look a lot better

with “TRUMP” on the front

in BIGLY gold letters
where I could be worshiped
for my alternative facts
and accept burnt offerings:
Diet Cokes and Big Macs.

№ 501: What's It All About, Alfie?

Is there a purpose,

is there a point?

What if the universe

is just out of joint?

H. Saps.have been at it

now for some years.

What have we to show —

besides bankrupting Sears?

If every success

eventually fails,

I'd say somewhere out there

there's a thumb on the scales.

In the days when we preyed

on multiple gods

there maybe were

much better odds.

If one of those gods

liked who you are

(and no other objected),

they made you a star.

Today it is grimmer.

Just heaven or hell.

There may be a distinction

but I cannot tell

a significant difference —

suffering and boredom?

You ignored “The Big Y”

or you adored him,

thinking you had

freedom to choose

the name of the game

you were destined lose.

№ 500: Banks For The Memories

WSJ: Rewards Credit Cards Gained a Fanatic Following—Now Banks Are Pulling Back

Major perks like airfare and cash back were meant to lead to higher returns. But consumers figured out how to game the system

Blake DiCioccio and her husband, Jason, flew around the world in business class in 2017, from San Francisco to Taipei, Tokyo to Belgrade, and Frankfurt back home. They didn’t pay for it. JPMorgan Chase & Co. did.

The ultra-premium rewards of the kind that JPMorgan has championed have turned into financial albatrosses. Big banks calculated that giant rewards would make consumers spend more, earning the banks more interest and boosting their returns. They calculated wrong.

Dear Valued Customer,

Please understand

when we promise premiums

you cannot demand

that we actually pay.

That's not what we planned.

No, not at all.

It was really a scam

to separate you

(aka “sucker”)

from more of your cash.

But you, mother fucker,

figured out how
to use our card
only whenever it
was to your benefit.

That is not fair.

Something our friend, the President, 

now must repair.

Though, except for Deutsch Bank,

we did not let him borrow

having learned painfully
and to our sorrow

his word is hollow.

But losses like these,

we cannot swallow.

Therefor, on him we place the onuses

of rigging rules to protect bank exec bonuses.

When this is done

we will “say” thanks.

Yours in sincerity,

Fill In The Bank

№ 499: Donald's New Year Resolutions

In with old

out with the new

suppress the many

play to the few

insist down is up

say the left's never right

tell Nancy and Chuck

“Go fly a kite”

restock the cabinet

with toady yes men

send Legos to border

so Mexicans can

build plastic walls

along Rio Grande

praise be to Kim

kisses for Vlad

tell all our allies

“Me-think-you-bad”

criticize media

call them all fake

excepting FOX

eat chocolate cake

ramble and bluster

tweet lots of lies

play lots of golf

watch out for spies

in the White House

check corners and nooks

last thing you need

more insider books

misbehave always

cause lots of strife

and if there's time

shop for new wife

№ 498: Trump Taunts Nancy Pelosi

(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

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Impeach me, just try it Nancy, just do

Impeach me, you'll find it too hard to do

Just one tweet from me

My nutso fans will descend

As I wink and smile they'll

Turn DC on its end

They love all the many louts about me

Above all, they quash all doubts about me

Though I'm a naughty baby

They'll defend me if you stage a coup

I'll win then I'll impeach you