№ 880: Tulsa Or Bust

Trump’s Rally Could Be a ‘Perfect Storm’ for the Virus, Tulsa Officials Fear (Paywall)

President Trump will hold his first campaign rally in months on Saturday in Oklahoma, where infections are rising, and officials there are pleading with him to cancel or hold it outdoors.

DEAD END, OK (June 16) —

No masks for us.

We will not discuss it.

If God calls us home,

we will not be alone.

As a matter of fact,
our bags are packed,
we're rarin' to go,

so on with the show.

We will not heed official condemnings.

We follow Donnie. You DO KNOW we're lemmings?
Only in heaven will we be content.
A rather incredible end for a rodent.

№ 857.1: EXTRA! Believer's Creed (why I needn't stay home nor wear a mask)

Two-thirds of US believers see Covid-19 as message from God, poll finds

Poll found 31% feel strongly that God is telling humanity to change with the same number feeling that somewhat

WISHFUL THINKING (May 15) —

I believe this virus is God's subtle way

to punish His numinous enemies,

and, as such, I see no reason

to alter my daily activities,

knowing my God is by side

in everything I say and do

and He approves whatever it is

I, every day, choose to do.

For He is my shepherd and I am His sheep,

whether a ram or a ewe,

and He watches over me, awake and asleep,

apparently, He's nothing better to do

than follow me on my daily rounds —

yes, I know, that sounds astounding —

the Almighty, universal creator, wasting His time on,

what you could call, a mere groundling,

an insignificant mote in His eye,

unworthy of His attention,

but we have this thing, my God and I,

a reciprocal reason suspension.

Ignoring logic, observation, and science

I say He IS and He thinks I AM.

I know this is true, for I am sure

of all Creation God picked me

to tell everyone what He'd have them do.

My proof? When asked,

He does not contradict me!

№ 855: Afterlife — The Republican Christian Perspective

ANTICIPATION (May 12) —
The poor will always be with us.
We just have to shorten their stay.
They take up space. They spoil the view.
And, in general, they get in the way.

The poor will always be with us.
That's why we have to have wars.
The poor make excellent fodder for cannons.
In peacetime they sweep our floors.

The poor will always be with us.
It is as Jesus decreed.
But in his generous beneficence,
the Lord God gave us more than we need.

The poor will always be with us.
Until God sends them to hell.
After which we'll look down from heaven,
smile and laugh while they writhe and yell.

At home with Our Lord, free of the poor,
how will we maintain delusions of grandeur?

№ 843: Doubting Thomas Road

OUT TO LYNCHBURG, VA (April 26) —

What with the talk of cure in the air,

why is there no one speaking of prayer?

So many say they can pray gay away,

why don't they say, “Make corona go 'way”? 

Why isn't Falwell, that sinister minister,

pleading for aid from his supposed Listener?

But, I suppose, this is totally logical.

Doubtless, his thinking on things theological

is, “Heaven’s my home. I am not of the world.

I (and my Dad) can tell God where He's failed.

And then inform Him how things would done,

with Falwells in charge, Father AND Son.

Implement Jerry-mandered requirements,

pushing the Old Guy into retirement.”

№ 844: Doubting Thomas Road

OUT TO LYNCHBURG, VA (April 27) —
With all the talk of cures in the air,
why aren't there any mentioning prayer?
So many say they can pray gay away,
why not add, “God, chase corona away”? 

Why isn't Falwell (or other ministers)
pleading for aid from the Divine Listener?
This could, I suppose, be totally logical,
presuming his thinking on things theological:
is, “Heaven’s my home. I am not of the world.
I get to tell God where He's failed
And then inform Him how things would done,
with Falwells in charge, Father & Son.”
(Jerry-mandered Falwell requirements
pushing the Old Guy into retirement.)

—————
Note to our email subscribers: an unnoticed glitch/change in our email feed on April 13 changed the reply-to address in our email edition, blocking responses from subscribers. We think has been corrected. (We shall see.) We apologize for any inconvenience.

№ 828: Remembered In Their Preyers

The rightwing Christian preachers in deep denial over Covid-19's danger

A number of American religious leaders have endangered their flock by holding services – and by claiming the virus can be defeated by faith in God

Kenneth Copeland, a Texas-based “prosperity gospel” preacher who once defended his ownership of three private jets on the grounds that commercial flights would require him to “get in a long tube with a bunch of demons”, told viewers of his Victory Channel in early March that coronavirus was a “weak” strain of the flu, and that fearing the pandemic was a sin.

From Montana, Chuck Baldwin – a pastor, former politician and purveyor of conspiracy theories about “Zionist influence” in the media – left the question of whether the virus was a hoax open in an online sermon.

Meanwhile, even where they disagree about the virus, religious leaders have found common ground on one subject: the importance of fundraising.

HEAVEN UNEARTHED (April 5) — 

THIS “PLAGUE” is God's judgment upon the wicked.

Or it would be, if it existed.

To us Christian folks, it is a hoax

concocted by those who consider us jokes.

We'll laugh with Jesus as each of them croaks.

THE Christian mission is faith imposition.

When we are in advantageous position,

we berate Satans (all those who oppose us)

just like Jesus when he opposed Moses

and started his schism to end Judaism

and to confront pagan rationalism

practiced by Greeks —  even some Romans,

taking a break from reading omens.

Our minds confined to dungeons and prisons,

we preach irrational superstitions

constructed of squirrely unlikelihoods.

We have more nots than we have shoulds.

Jesus is Savior. Faith is our bastion.

Where there's a prophet we quickly cash in.

Which, truth to tell, is really our passion.

№ 826: Pro-Life In Extremis

THE LIGHT DAWNS (April 1) —

ALL THAT a virus is tryin' t'do

is t'make more baby viruses.

We, too, are God's children 

(and in on the joke) . . .

we reckon this should inspire us.

Destroying viruses out of proportion

seems to us akin to abortion.

Although we are certain God does admire us,

we also suspect he PRE-fers his viruses.

№: 823: Why A Virus, Why Now? (a true Christian's understanding)

TRUE BELIEVERS (March 29) —
CLEARLY, this virus is divine retribution
for the too many sins of Americans.
God, as you know, was okay with slaves
and down with the slaughter of Indians.
(It was his plan — our stealing their land.
He said, “Do it and do not pester me.”
As true believers, we did as he bid.
We called it our Manifest Destiny.)

But a woman’s sovereignty over her body?
The notion of female equality?
Women are chattel, moreover, they prattle
and frequently fall into frivolity.
(We do permit them — under duress! —
provided, of course, they undress.)

Same-sex marriage? A sin. Which God deplores.
Though he never says so. Explicitly.
Fortunately, we, his chosen explorers
understand what he means. Implicitly.
(Sometimes it seems God hasn't a clue,
so we must tell him what he wants us to do.)

№ 797: A Proclamation (from GOP patriarchy)

SHINING CITY OF THE HILL (February 20) —

God is straight, white, male, and Christian.

How could he be otherwise?

Pressed, we'll admit he started out Jewish

AND and hung around with Jewish straight guys

into his thirties. AND never married.

AND never actually worked.

He was a carpenter. NOT in the union.

Unions are strictly for shirkers.
And socialists. Like Sanders.
Who is also a Jew.

But Bernie is not THE SECOND COMING.

He, in our view, is more “# 2”.

№ 752.1: EXTRA! GOTT MIT UNS (and Donnie and guns)

Franklin Graham slams Christianity Today for invoking father's name in call for Trump's removal

“My father knew Donald Trump, believed in Donald Trump, and in this last election, he voted for Donald Trump,” the president of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Samaritan's Purse added. “And if he were here today, I'm sure he would tell you that himself.”

President Trump responded to the editorial Friday morning, tweeting the “far left magazine ... knows nothing about reading a perfect transcript of a routine phone call and would rather have a Radical Left nonbeliever, who wants to take your religion and your guns, than Donald Trump as your President.”

GILEAD (December 20)

Every TRUE Christian takes the position

that to have it our way is no imposition

on non-believers, deceived by the devil,

who cannot conceive that we're on the level

and are not out of hand when we demand

that they obey every command

we are convinced comes from God's lips

until we achieve apocalypse.

God gave us this mission to bring on perdition.

And, yes, DO expect a New Inquisition.

— Franklin Graham

[updated 12/20/2019 4:19 pm]

№ 752: Bio Massacre (a germ of an idea)

INEVITABLE CITY (December 19)

Creation requires that everything kill.
Killing's fulfilling everything's willing.
All creatures follow the law to the letter.
We, the chosen, of course, do it better.

We were chosen because we excel in disposing
with any and all living things:
flyers, crawlers, swimmers, walkers,
with and without fins, limbs and wings.
Foolish or wise, regardless of size,
all we encounter we cause to expire
which we're assured is perfectly swell
with our God who, like us, is a single cell.

№ 748: Against Monotheism (an atheist screed)

GODS' END (December 15)

Though one can conceive a possible worse 'un,
for a god, YHWH was not a nice person.
“Son” sent  to suffer — to die! — from somewhere above
set a helluva standard of very tough love.
(Followers offer effluent excuses,
which they claim explain these parental abuses.)
And even if “son thing” was a mistake,
odds are, as God, YHWH was fake
or a quick-on-the-trigger, Class D minor leaguer
who perceived opportunity and pursued it eagerly.
Either way the story is hard to swaller.
(And don't get me started on Muhammad's Allah.)
———————
*Cf. Porphyry

№ 747: Like Father Like Son (times two)

Donald Trump Jr killed rare endangered sheep in Mongolia with special permit

• Permit issued after meeting with country’s president
• Argali sheep considered national treasure in Mongolia

On a hunting trip to Mongolia earlier this summer the US president’s son Donald Trump Jr killed a rare species of endangered sheep. A permit for the killing was retroactively issued after Trump met with the country’s president...

Email subscribers click here.

THE ENTITLED TOWER (December 12)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

I shoot sheep in the night

with a high powered rifle

With my laser sight

I ex-e-cute my kill

I shoot sheep in the night,
though the species's endangered
and I don't have a permit
it's such a thrill

For I am junior to Donald Trump
Good behavior, is just for chumps
Whate'er we choose to do, that is our right
Though my dad's getting dim, people still worship him 
and I thrill to kill in the night*
—————————
*Cf.  Church of England's Common Worship:
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, grant us peace.

№ 745.1: EXTRA! DO NOT Cross The Barr (a memo to the BOSS of ALL BOSSES)

William Barr suggests FBI acted in ‘bad faith’ over Russia investigation

Attorney general casts doubt on own department’s report

Donald Trump’s top law enforcement official has dismissed the FBI’s Russia investigation as a “travesty”, rejecting the findings of his own department’s watchdog that cleared it of political bias.

William Barr, the attorney general, claimed the president was the victim of a “bogus narrative” about collusion with Moscow during the 2016 election.

Barr served under Ronald Reagan and George HW Bush but has disappointed observers who hoped he would push back against Trump’s conspiracy theories and blatant lies.

ON OUR KNEES (December 11)

(with apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

Corruption and impeachment are
not for me the issue 
Should the Dems dare go that far,
I'll not let them dismiss you

Our Christian GOP is deeply steeped
in loathing things not us
We'll not allow damned liberal Dems
to harm God's chosen POTUS

Even Ronnie, who was most blessed
(may peace be upon him),
could not deliver like you do, dear Don
Praise unto you, our con man

I, Billy Barr, U.S. A.G.
will to the end defend
your corpulent excrescence,
as God doth intend

№ 735: Maybe Rick Needs Glasses?

Rick Perry tells Donald Trump: ‘You really are the chosen one’

• Energy secretary briefed president on Old Testament kings
• Perry: ‘God’s used imperfect people all through history’

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GOSPEL UNTRUTH (November 26)

(with apologies to Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley)

Each day in his lifetime
TRUMP takes a moment
a moment to foment
and to corrupt
and though I am low-rent
each day in my lifetime. . .
shut up I am talking
don't interrupt!. . .
I am “God's lifeline”
to you believers
I am your “Savior”,
your “King of Kings”,
although Vlad Putin,
my KGB master,
through the intel he has about me, 
he's gonna pull my strings

Rick Perry “thinks”
I am God's agent
And Christians won't argue
Whoops' imagin-ings
He says I M perfect,
despite what befalls me
And since they don't know Satan's my master,
I'm free to do bad things

№ 731: The Base Speaks Up

AGINCOURT (November 21)

Donnie's not guilty. (As we perceive it.)
We are in pain, he helps relieve it.

We have a goal, with him we'll achieve it.

He's doing God's bidding. We really believe it.

Truth is a lie. (As we conceive it.)

Once more undo impeach, dear friends, once more.
O! build THE WALL with Mexicans dead.
Impeach? There's nothing to undo a man
of Donnie's modest humility!
But when the blasted Dems blow in our ears,
they denigrate the action of our liar.
Cialis your sinners! Summon Aryan blood!
Dispise fair nature with shirt-sleevèd rage.
Then lend our neighs a terrible aspect.
Let's pry through the porridge of his head.
Like Steve Bannon, let the brow o'erwhelm it
as fearfully as doth an undarn-èd sock
mock the base's wiggled toes.
O'er swill with plastics wild and wasteful oceans.
Upset the truth and stretch sense wide,
hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
to Morrison height. On, on, you damn-èd GOP,
whose blood is fet from bone spurs war-proof!
Bone spurs that, like so many Alexanders
Department Stores in these parts close-èd
and shuttered, their parking lots empty pavement.
Dishonour all your mothers and now attest
those whom you call'd fathers did regret you.
Be sloppy now you men of grossest blood,
and learn again to whore. And 'pon our showman,
whose spurs did prevent just service, let us 
settle our disaster. Let us wear
hat #MAGA, worthy, unheeding, which I doubt not.
For there is none of us, I mean our base,
that hath not Nobel lustre in our lies.
I see you stand like old whores in their slips,
straining not to fart. The game's afoot:
follow your spirit, and upon this charge
cry ‘Gor blesh the Untie-èd Schtatez and Saint Don!’

№ 727: Devil Nonnews For The Defense

HEAVEN-ON-EARTH-ON-DON (November 14)

Donnie's as innocent as was O. J.
when he was acquitted for murder.
Charges trumped-up by corruptible cops. . .
what Dems do to Donnie is even absurder.

We hold that Donnie is totally innocent  
and we do not care that he isn't.
If he and O. J. played golf with Rudolph,
think how the Dems would run off their mouth.

Building God's kingdom requires hypocrisy.
Neither He, we nor Donnie care for democracy.
Unlike Obama, Donnie is not ethereal.
He's cataclysmic, bold and imperial.

When we're in heaven we will have fun.
All of God's chillun in heaven got guns.
Only an atheist Socialist tool
would oppose letting God's chosen rule.

№ 713: Inner Child

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 27)

Donnie do not do details. 

Donnie do not do facts.

Donnie do “hamberders”, Cokes.

Donnie do that to relax.

Donnie do not do exercise.

Donnie no exercise schmuck.

[Donnie do not do anything,
except Donnie cheats or Donnie sucks.]

Donnie not walk.

[Donnie waddle to Donnie golf cart.]

Donnie drink too many Cokes,

then (HA! HA!) Donnie fart.

Donnie rich, Donnie famous.

Donnie like color gold.

Donnie not mad. Donnie not sad.

Donnie not mind being old.

Donnie most sexy he-man.

Donnie draw women like moth

to a flame. [And never a dame

compare Donnie to sloth.]

Donnie not like Jeff Bezos.

[Jeff Bezos REAL billionaire.]

Donnie not like Elon Musk.

Donnie have better hair.

Donnie too good for country.

Donnie too good for world.

Donnie too good for whole universe.

[Donnie live in own world.]

Donnie never read Bible.

Donnie think Bible odd.

Donnie worship Donnie himself.

Donnie know Donnie God.

Donnie do not do spelchek.

Donnie no spelchek knot kule.

Donnie spel how Donnie feelz.

Donnie not liv buy ur rulz.

Nancy Pelosi. Mean, nasty lady.

Donnie do not know why,

Nancy Pelosi real mean to Donnie.

Allatime make Donnie cry.

Someday Donnie birthday big holiday.

Alla world say, “Donnie! Great guy!”

[Also someday, not far away,

Donnie win No Bell and alla pigs fly.]

№ 706: Donnie Bosa Nova

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BOSA OF ALL BOSAS (October 16)

(with apologies to Antônio Carlos Jobim,  Vinicius de Moraes and  Norman Gimbel)

Gross and old and bald and ugly,
squeaking, squawking, tweeting and balking,
this sleazy Queens guy
who's Satan's minion per-sists
His lips move
you know he's lying
that he's there is mor-tif-y-ing
you question how could
a just God ex-ist
Ooh, but he so churns your stomach
how can we rid ourselves of him
this total a-moral hummock
each day
brings more misery
he lies con-tin-u-al-ly
Gross and old and bald and ugly,
squeaking, squawking, tweeting and balking,
this sleazy Queens guy
who's Satan's minion per-sists
Why does he ex-ist
Why must he ex-ist
How can he ex-ist
Goddam, but I'm pissed

№ 702: The Creator's Confession (God damns it)

Genesis 6:6 New International Version (NIV)
The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.

INFINITE (October 10)

I AM YOUR GOD.

BUT. . .let me be clear,

you human beings

were my worst idea.

What was I thinking when I set things in motion?

I only wanted 24/7, unending devotion.
NOT all this dam-ned meshuga commotion.

Before begetting you damned H. Saps.,

I shudda called the world off, perhaps?

All you people do is kill one another.

Where did that come from? Was it my mother?

(Ah, ma mère.
Mere thought of her induces paralysis.
Even now, after years in analysis.)

Looking back now, you know what I wish?

I wish Mom got me a couple a' goldfish,

who'd peacefully swim around and around,

smacking their lips, never making a sound.

(Me damn it! I Googled. And Geez-Louise.

Goldfish lip smacking might mean they're diseased!

I never get anything right.
Were I not “Almighty”,
I might be contrite.
This whole schmegegge
ain't what I “planned”.
All I can say is,
“Well, I'll be damned.”)