№ 829: Jared (an appreciation)

THE BEAST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS (April 6) —

JARED IS a super hero.

He gave us Middle East peace.

Any ability he doesn't “own”,

you may be sure he can borrow or lease.

Remember how he solved infrastructure

and never dirtied his hands?

How he simplified government structure,

doing away with all legal demands?

Jared rules the Department of Justice,

though he is not a lawyer.

Jared can stick his nose anywhere

because he married the boss's daughter.

Jared fixed the NAFTA imbalance,

so now trade with Mexico's fair.

(Even though nothing much changed,

but, happily, Donnie remains unaware.)

Jared (totally) froze Christie out

of the administration

to which all America applauded as one

so show their appreciation.

Jared is in charge of THE WALL

and overall immigrant policy

even though — how can I put it? —-

his history is rather  George Wallacey.

Jared is, by far, Donnie's favorite.

After all, Ivanka's a girl.

To be fair, compared to Eric and Junior,

Jared seems like a pearl.

Jared will cure coronavirus.

This will assure that the Trump empire is

in perfect position for reelection.

(Ignoring US's Greatest Depression.)

Jared is brilliant, forthright, and brave.

What might he accomplish once he starts to shave?

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 618: Liberal Incivility (or having it both ways)

HERE AND NOW AND THEN, June 16

Hypocritical liberals have been known to neglect
one aspect of knee-jerk political correctness.

When they mention the president they get a thrill

pointing to proofs he’s mentally ill.

They do not feel (at all) ill at ease

speaking of his disabilities —

his movements arthritic, his brain syphilitic,

his need for treatment psychoanalytic.

(Unfair. Though true. Still, I say, too critical.)

Sarah Sanders, they smirk, dresses sloppy

while providing FAKE media hilarious copy.

Kellyanne’s cool chick look they ridicule shrilly,

insisting she's too old and looks awfully silly!

Which, I must say, is simply mean.

Though she’s 52, she looks like a teen

smartly dressed up as a Trump hotel tart.

(Except for the wrinkles, she could play the part.)

They love how Mnuchin is such a goof

and Pence’s Puritanism is easy to spoof.

And poor Wilbur Ross, who they love to scold.

If only because he’s stupid and old.

Her Highness Ivanka and Eric and DJ

on late night TV are constantly harried.

(To say nothing of Jared — unrelated
by blood, he's merely married.)

Desist, I say, all you sniveling Liberals.

Try to be nice. Try to be civil.

Turn your cheek and be meek when Donald attacks.

Do not mind him. Be kind. Do not hit back.

Whatever we do, he'll continue amiss,

while I with my quill will write rhymes like this.

№ 605.1: EXTRA! Ho Hum (another day at the Oval Orifice)

Bannon described Trump Organization as 'criminal enterprise', Michael Wolff book claims

Former White House adviser says financial investigations will take down president in sequel to Fire and Fury

The former White House adviser Steve Bannon has described the Trump Organization as a criminal entity and predicted that investigations into the president’s finances will lead to his political downfall, when he is revealed to be “not the billionaire he said he was, just another scumbag”.

The startling remarks are contained in Siege: Trump Under Fire, the author Michael Wolff’s forthcoming account of the second year of the Trump administration.

THE NEW IMPROVED SWAMP, May 29

Now let us handle 

another Trump scandal.

(He'll say it's “very unfair”.)

Say what you will

about this shrill shill,

you have to admit

he's got some pair.

Away to the dumpster

with Cosa Trumpster.

Break out all the sump pumps.

Vaccinate everyone

against Trump Mumps.

Call it THE POX.

(Except on FOX.)

Crime, if you please,

is Trump's “family” disease.

Did Junior sneeze?

Did Eric wheeze?

Ivanka, as always,

cannot be appeased.

I mean Geez Louise,

high time we stopped 

being chumps

dump all the Trumps,

get off the fence,

with sad reluctance

inaugurate Pence

and speak of liberty

in the past tense. 

[updated 5/29/2019 12:40 pm]

№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

Email subscribers click here.

N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

Email subscribers click here.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)

№ 433: Lives Of Two Failed Men

Although playwright Miller would not have admitted it,
Donald Trump is Willy Loman.
BOTH Donald and Willy cheat on their wives.
BOTH are salesmen and showmen.
BOTH have two useless, moaning grown sons
created in their own image.
BOTH taught their sons to steal and to lie.
(And neither said, “Finish your spinach!”)
BOTH are addicted to enormous pomposity.
BOTH demonstrate extreme grandiosity.

People suffering from grandiose delusions believe themselves extraordinary. — Wikipedia

Willy, for reasons unclear,

is considered somehow sympathetic.

While Donald, let me be perfectly clear,

though he endangers us, is truly pathetic.

So. . .tote it all up! You do the math.

Willy's a failure. Donald's a psychopath.

№ 353: Sooey Ungenerous

If Trump were not “human”
what might he be?
Though it is tempting to say
“chimpanzee”,
I won't because,
for all their shortcomings,
this false equivalence
is unfair to chimps
who in their love-life
do not employ pimps.

Though he moves faster,
he resembles a sloth.
(Which comparison would,
I know, piss him off.)
To say he's like them
is unfair to sloths,
who, unlike him,
stick to their troths.

As much as I'd like to
I really can't
say, basically,
he is an ant.
Ants are builders.
Ants are industrious.
Ants don't go bankrupt.
Ants aren't corruptive.

Also, in spite of his leonine roars,
Donald is not a lion.
Not with those weeny, if grabby, paws!
And that Don Jr. and Eric, his boys,
love killing lions
must needs cause me to pause —
this comparison just has too “bigly” flaws.

Is, perhaps, he more dinosaur?
A possibility we cannot ignore.
It's something about which we have to think.
But it can't be. Dinosaurs are extinct.

I could, I suppose, keep going on
(and on and on and on and on)
until — O! Happy Day! — Donald is gone.
When there's an end to daily bum-pity-bump,
when we are rid of this cancerous lump,
when we've seen the last of Donald Trump.
_____________________
Have another comparison? 

Send it to us at scribmonk@tcement.net. 

If it rhymes, if we like it, if it isn't that much better than our stuff, we may publish it. 

All submissions become property of  Theatrical Cement Company. 

Decision of the judges is final. 

Employees and dependents of The Daily Doggerel and Theatrical Cement Company are not eligible. 

There are NO PRIZES and there could be significant embarrassment stemming from poetic endeavors. (TRUST US!)

If you submit something, tell us how (if?) you would like to be credited should we choose your entry for publication.

Prohibited where void. (Aren't we all?)

№ 344: Trigger Warning

When Don Jr. and Eric are out big game hunting
and sight some beast through the scope,
the moment before pulling the trigger
do they see Dad?
We can only hope.

Photo credit: Live Outdoors

Can't change their spots?

No. 295.1: EXTRA! From The Trump Family Archives (DO NOT DISCLOSE)

     As a real estate executive and reality TV star, Donald J. Trump tightly controlled his image by insisting that everyone around him sign nondisclosure agreements. . .
     A few months into his presidency, Mr. Trump. . .ordered Reince Priebus, then his chief of staff, to do the same thing in the West Wing.
     The nondisclosure agreement, presented by Mr. Priebus to the senior staff last April. . .was an early indication that Mr. Trump, who spent decades using pressure tactics and secrecy in his private life, wanted to do the same thing at the White House. . . .

— NYT:  White House Job Requirement: Signing a Nondisclosure Agreement (Paywall)

[updated 3/21/2018, 7:11 pm]

No. 225.2: EXTRA! Trump's Polar Last Resort

burning clean coal

advances my goal

growing peaches

on beaches

at my North Pole

oil field golf course

and sport resort

the entertainment

part of the deal

Don Jr. 

harpoons a

humongous whale

while Eric clubs 

a live baby seal

Ivanka's designer polar bear rugs

provide comfy places for kisses and hugs

(and dare I hope groping asses and juggs)