№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

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N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.