891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

№ 829: Jared (an appreciation)

THE BEAST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS (April 6) —

JARED IS a super hero.

He gave us Middle East peace.

Any ability he doesn't “own”,

you may be sure he can borrow or lease.

Remember how he solved infrastructure

and never dirtied his hands?

How he simplified government structure,

doing away with all legal demands?

Jared rules the Department of Justice,

though he is not a lawyer.

Jared can stick his nose anywhere

because he married the boss's daughter.

Jared fixed the NAFTA imbalance,

so now trade with Mexico's fair.

(Even though nothing much changed,

but, happily, Donnie remains unaware.)

Jared (totally) froze Christie out

of the administration

to which all America applauded as one

so show their appreciation.

Jared is in charge of THE WALL

and overall immigrant policy

even though — how can I put it? —-

his history is rather  George Wallacey.

Jared is, by far, Donnie's favorite.

After all, Ivanka's a girl.

To be fair, compared to Eric and Junior,

Jared seems like a pearl.

Jared will cure coronavirus.

This will assure that the Trump empire is

in perfect position for reelection.

(Ignoring US's Greatest Depression.)

Jared is brilliant, forthright, and brave.

What might he accomplish once he starts to shave?

№ 720: I May Have Forgotten To Mention

With revised statement, Sondland adds to testimony linking aid to Ukraine investigations that Trump sought (Paywall)

In a significant revision to his testimony nearly three weeks ago before House impeachment investigators, the U.S. ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland, now says he told a Ukrainian official that security assistance to the country would be likely to resume only if the authorities in Kyiv opened investigations requested by President Trump that could be damaging to former vice president Joe Biden.

In a “supplemental declaration” provided to the House impeachment inquiry Monday, Sondland wrote, “I now recall speaking individually” with a Ukrainian official and in that conversation saying “that resumption of U.S. aid would likely not occur until Ukraine provided the public anti-corruption statement that we had been discussing for many weeks.”

Sondland, a Trump donor turned diplomat, had been seen as a loyalist of the president with a supportive version of events — that Trump was trying to combat corruption broadly in a country that depends on U.S. aid to defend itself against Russian aggression. Sondland’s assertion in a previously released text message to a senior State Department official that Trump didn’t seek “quid pro quo’s of any kind” was seized upon by Republicans to argue that the president had not used the power of his office for personal political gain.

WHOOPS (November 5)

Of course, I wanted something on Biden,
but I never said, “Just make shit up.”
I told Ukraine, “Take what Junior did,
replace his name with Hunter's.
Proof absolute Joe Biden's corrupt.”

I distinctly recall (now) those conversations
where I “suggest” quid quo pro:
Ukraine provides required information.
If not I say where they can go 
shove it (their country). 
Love it. The effrontery.
America made to look great.
The Ukes left to their fate.
In Putin's hands,
they do what he demands
just as he planned
and as he expected 
when he went out and got Donnie elected.

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 618: Liberal Incivility (or having it both ways)

HERE AND NOW AND THEN, June 16

Hypocritical liberals have been known to neglect
one aspect of knee-jerk political correctness.

When they mention the president they get a thrill

pointing to proofs he’s mentally ill.

They do not feel (at all) ill at ease

speaking of his disabilities —

his movements arthritic, his brain syphilitic,

his need for treatment psychoanalytic.

(Unfair. Though true. Still, I say, too critical.)

Sarah Sanders, they smirk, dresses sloppy

while providing FAKE media hilarious copy.

Kellyanne’s cool chick look they ridicule shrilly,

insisting she's too old and looks awfully silly!

Which, I must say, is simply mean.

Though she’s 52, she looks like a teen

smartly dressed up as a Trump hotel tart.

(Except for the wrinkles, she could play the part.)

They love how Mnuchin is such a goof

and Pence’s Puritanism is easy to spoof.

And poor Wilbur Ross, who they love to scold.

If only because he’s stupid and old.

Her Highness Ivanka and Eric and DJ

on late night TV are constantly harried.

(To say nothing of Jared — unrelated
by blood, he's merely married.)

Desist, I say, all you sniveling Liberals.

Try to be nice. Try to be civil.

Turn your cheek and be meek when Donald attacks.

Do not mind him. Be kind. Do not hit back.

Whatever we do, he'll continue amiss,

while I with my quill will write rhymes like this.

№ 605.1: EXTRA! Ho Hum (another day at the Oval Orifice)

Bannon described Trump Organization as 'criminal enterprise', Michael Wolff book claims

Former White House adviser says financial investigations will take down president in sequel to Fire and Fury

The former White House adviser Steve Bannon has described the Trump Organization as a criminal entity and predicted that investigations into the president’s finances will lead to his political downfall, when he is revealed to be “not the billionaire he said he was, just another scumbag”.

The startling remarks are contained in Siege: Trump Under Fire, the author Michael Wolff’s forthcoming account of the second year of the Trump administration.

THE NEW IMPROVED SWAMP, May 29

Now let us handle 

another Trump scandal.

(He'll say it's “very unfair”.)

Say what you will

about this shrill shill,

you have to admit

he's got some pair.

Away to the dumpster

with Cosa Trumpster.

Break out all the sump pumps.

Vaccinate everyone

against Trump Mumps.

Call it THE POX.

(Except on FOX.)

Crime, if you please,

is Trump's “family” disease.

Did Junior sneeze?

Did Eric wheeze?

Ivanka, as always,

cannot be appeased.

I mean Geez Louise,

high time we stopped 

being chumps

dump all the Trumps,

get off the fence,

with sad reluctance

inaugurate Pence

and speak of liberty

in the past tense. 

[updated 5/29/2019 12:40 pm]

№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

Email subscribers click here.

N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

Email subscribers click here.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)

№ 433: Lives Of Two Failed Men

Although playwright Miller would not have admitted it,
Donald Trump is Willy Loman.
BOTH Donald and Willy cheat on their wives.
BOTH are salesmen and showmen.
BOTH have two useless, moaning grown sons
created in their own image.
BOTH taught their sons to steal and to lie.
(And neither said, “Finish your spinach!”)
BOTH are addicted to enormous pomposity.
BOTH demonstrate extreme grandiosity.

People suffering from grandiose delusions believe themselves extraordinary. — Wikipedia

Willy, for reasons unclear,

is considered somehow sympathetic.

While Donald, let me be perfectly clear,

though he endangers us, is truly pathetic.

So. . .tote it all up! You do the math.

Willy's a failure. Donald's a psychopath.

№ 395: A Trump Missile Any

           Couplet For Sale 
   (along with everything else)

though a few presidents did stuff reproachable
Trump is unique thinking facts are negotiable
                       ____________

        Divorces Point Of Odor

If Trump (as he insists) is “very smart”
would some FOX Trumpette care to impart
to us, the unwashed, precisely the part
that WE do not get of “until death do you part”?
                       ____________

             N'Import Quoi

What'll be the import
of the conviction
of Paul Manafort?
Will FOX report it?
Will they distort it?
If they don't will Trump have
the Murdochs deported?

Given Trump family lack of morality,
I expect ever more criminality.
Will Trump the Father, at last, lose his grip
when Trump the Son chooses to flip?
                       ____________

     Love, Honor AND OBEY!

“Hey, Melania! Really, come on!
DON'T contradict me about LeBron!
Sweetheart, pussy cat, baby, wassup?
Don't tell me you never read the pre-nup!”
                       ____________

              Trump Doctrine

Unless, pretty quick, I get my way

I guarantee it'll be “Bombs away!”

EVERYONE do what I tell you to:

Iran, Venezuela, Korea, Mexico, too.

Canada, Japan, China and the E. U.

My way or die with no disputin'.

I gotta do this to impress Vlad Putin.

№ 394: There He Goes. . .Again!

BBC News: Trump admits son met Russian for information on opponent

US media. . .reported that the US president had been involved in the initial statement his son issued on the meeting.

This was initially denied by Mr Trump's team, but his lawyers later confirmed that he had in fact dictated his son's statement.

That our first president owned felling that cherry tree. . .

well, there never was any proof.

Interesting now with two centuries gone by

the latest's a stranger to truth.

(Should we relate this

to real estate business?)

№ 353: Sooey Ungenerous

If Trump were not “human”
what might he be?
Though it is tempting to say
“chimpanzee”,
I won't because,
for all their shortcomings,
this false equivalence
is unfair to chimps
who in their love-life
do not employ pimps.

Though he moves faster,
he resembles a sloth.
(Which comparison would,
I know, piss him off.)
To say he's like them
is unfair to sloths,
who, unlike him,
stick to their troths.

As much as I'd like to
I really can't
say, basically,
he is an ant.
Ants are builders.
Ants are industrious.
Ants don't go bankrupt.
Ants aren't corruptive.

Also, in spite of his leonine roars,
Donald is not a lion.
Not with those weeny, if grabby, paws!
And that Don Jr. and Eric, his boys,
love killing lions
must needs cause me to pause —
this comparison just has too “bigly” flaws.

Is, perhaps, he more dinosaur?
A possibility we cannot ignore.
It's something about which we have to think.
But it can't be. Dinosaurs are extinct.

I could, I suppose, keep going on
(and on and on and on and on)
until — O! Happy Day! — Donald is gone.
When there's an end to daily bum-pity-bump,
when we are rid of this cancerous lump,
when we've seen the last of Donald Trump.
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№ 344: Trigger Warning

When Don Jr. and Eric are out big game hunting
and sight some beast through the scope,
the moment before pulling the trigger
do they see Dad?
We can only hope.

Photo credit: Live Outdoors

Can't change their spots?

No. 280: Trump Denies Collusion (Again!)

Trump has dismissed investigations into Russian interference in the US election – and potential collusion between Trump aides and Moscow – as a partisan exercise. 

— Guardian: NSA chief: Trump 'has not ordered disruption of Russia election meddling'

Okay. Times up. Game over. Enough.

I am sick and tired of this Russia stuff.

The idea that Team Trump ever colluded

must be, from now on, forever excluded.

Maybe Junior and Jared

met with some Russians.

Those talks, if they happened,

were friendly discussions

on topics of mutual interest, you see.

That's not collusion. That's synergy.