914: Large Graft Warming

DENIAL NATIONAL PARK (August 3) —

The only reason they’re having this hurricane

is to make me look bad.

There’ll be lotsa wind, there’ll be lotsa rain.

Waste of effort. Pathetic. Totally SAD.

My people — wonderful folks — know I am not to blame

for anything bad that ever happens. And they know I am sane.

America’s number one stable genius. The smartest guy in the room.

Who has no need for facts and figures. Or Fauci and Birx presumed doom and gloom.

Who will never panic over some fake pandemic.

(Which is fading, so laugh it off.)

Who will never acknowledge racism’s systemic

and may even ask O. J. to come play some golf.

Who is not afraid of fake climate “science”.

(Global warming’s a Chinese-made myth.)

Who eschews clean air and water compliance.

Who always gets what he wants forthwith.

№ 863: Donnie's ME-morial Day, 2020

On Sunday, the Times (to make me look bad)

listed names of the dead. (So they said.)

But how do I know they’re actually dead?

Where are their long-form certificates?

Did they ALL die of Covid-19?

Why must the Times (which I’ve never read)

always treat me so nasty and mean?

Couldn’t they once (or twice?) say something nice?

Who said I want (or need) their bad “advice”?

Instead of the “dead” on the front page

how about me on the driving range

drilling a perfect shot off the tee

to celebrate Memorial Day?

That’s the front page I want to see.

№ 771: Trump, Whether Vane

Email subscribers click here.

DENIAL IN WINTER (January 15)

(with apologies to Carly Simon)

I won ov-er the Party

(NOT part of some Putin plot!)

Bew-t-ful hair exquisitely brushed,

my skin tinted apricot

With one eye on the mirror

(am I great, or what?)

And all the girls wish I'd ask them to “date me”

ask them to “date me”, but

I’m not vain
It's just that everything is about me

I’m not vain,

I  know the song is always about me

So true!

So true!

That one I had years ago

when she still pretended “naive”

I told her she had a real pretty pair

and whichever wife I’d leave

But you know I lied, of course,

it’s my pedigree

I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,

such God-damn dumb broads, but

I’m not vain

I know the song is always about me

I’m not vain,

I just know ALL songs are always about me

So true!

So true!
So true!

I may be scum, but these are such dumb broads,

such fuck-ing dumb broads, but

I’m not vain

I know the song is always about me

I’m not vain,

I just know ALL songs are always about me

So true!

So true!

When I am Em-per-or I’ll wear a toga

to hide my enormous butt

And if I play golf wearing a “dress” 

then I can cheat when I putt

I’m in the limelight all the time

but when I’m not, I’m with
some Russian guy

or the wife of a close friend,

wife of a close friend, but

I’m not vain

I just know everything is about me

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me

So true!

So true!

So true!

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me

I’m not vain,

I just know each and every song is about me
I’m not vain. . .

№ 744.2: EXTRA! Random Rambling Inspired By Who Knows What

Interview
Rick Reilly: ‘Donald Trump will cheat you on the golf course and then buy you lunch’

The sports writer says Donald Trump’s golf antics reveal a lot about the President and leave him terrified for the United States’ future

Reilly, the former Sports Illustrated columnist, has written a book called Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump. It’s rattling good fun which also depicts the startling duplicity of the president as a golfer. “You’re mostly laughing,” Reilly says, “but at times you’re crying – how did this happen? As a golfer he really offends me. Cheating? Hate that. Driving carts on greens? Hate that. Wearing old dockers two sizes too small for him? Give me a break. Kicking your ball so often the caddies call you Pelé? I so hate that. 

Email subscribers click here.

PAR FOR THE COARSE (December 10)

(with apologies to Hank Williams)

My golfin' cart

I drive on greens

and then I cheat

by any means

I kick my balls

it's what I do

my golfin' cart

can flatten you

When water falls

(I call it rain)

it hits the ground

I am insane

I flush the john

(the Brits say “loo”)

my golfin' cart

will stop the coup

My golfin' cart

cannot be beat

it goes so fast

it helps me cheat

Impeachment's dumb

I'm tellin' you

Co-in-cid-ence

Nadler's a Jew?

When water falls

(I call it rain)

I flush the john 

to watch it drain

I wave bye-bye

to my poo-poo

then flush again

it's what I do

№ 732.2: EXTRA! May The Fore Be With You

Trump golf cart rentals have now cost US taxpayers more than half a million dollars

The president spends a lot of time on the links, almost exclusively at his own properties. At the end of October, Trump made his 224th visit to one of his 17 golf courses since assuming office three years ago. On each outing, the Secret Service must follow. And with their golf carts comes a big bill for the American public.

Before he was elected, Trump regularly excoriated former US president Barack Obama for golfing.

Can you believe that,with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf.Worse than Carter

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2014

However, Obama played 333 rounds of golf during his 8-year tenure as president—roughly 1,665 hours—or about 3% of his total time in office. Roughly 61% of his outings took place at golf courses owned and operated by the US military. In a little less than three years, Trump has so far spent nearly 2,200 hours golfing, or roughly 20% of his time in office. He has played all but two rounds at his own private clubs, according to Craig Holman, a government affairs lobbyist at Public Citizen, a DC watchdog group.

 FORE MORE YEARS (November 23)

I make up the rules as I go along.

I got no time to follow 'em.

Legal requirements, laws and that stuff

only apply if you swallow 'em.

Which Roy Cohn and my father (Darth Vader)

taught me never to do.

So I don't and I won't, not now and not later.

(Bring me a Coke from the refrigerator!)

I am bold, I broke the mold,

I am THE ONE who was foretold.

I like to play golf, I like yelling, “FORE!”

And what is more, I cheat on my score,

as I do on my wives (who lead comfortable lives).

Though they may suffer, they thrive — well, survive.

They sign agreements to keep their mouth shut 

and get a great payoff. (Not bad for a slut.)

Maybe I'm “naughty”, maybe I'm “snotty”.
Maybe some say I'm just like John Gotti.
I SAY: in the end there's no crime or sin,
if you get away and pull out a win.

№ 646.3: EXTRA! A Bird Of A Feather Begs Pardon

Bernie Madoff asks Trump to commute his 150-year sentence (Paywall)

After Bernie Madoff admitted to masterminding the largest Ponzi scheme in history and bilking thousands of investors out of their cash, he was punished with a sentence that made it likely he would die in federal prison — 150 years.

Now, a decade into his time, at the age of 81, Madoff is seeking to have his sentence commuted by President Donald Trump. He has filed a petition for clemency with the Justice Department, according to its website.

MORAL VOID (July 25)

Dear Donnie,

Old pal,

do you think it fair

that I am here

and you are there

in the White House

with all your power?

(Granted you long for

your chintzy gold Tower.)

But I'm stuck in prison

like one of our schnooks

and compared to you

I'm barely a crook,

just a regular businessman

with no little flair

to make funds disappear

into thin air.

That you're not my cellmate

I suppose you must thank

your Vaterland buddies

from Deutsche Bank

who had you back,

whatever your crimes,

though you repaid 

their dollars with dimes.

If you do spring me,

some time in due course,

we'll shoot a round

at your swell golf course.

As an incentive.

may I add with a grin,

though you're a hacker,

I'll let you win.

You're the best,

Bernie (not the bad one)

№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

Email subscribers click here.

N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.

№ 565: Fore More Years? (or par for discourse)

Commander in cheat? Donald Trump's 18 golf tournament wins examined

In an extract from his book on Donald Trump and golf, Rick Reilly explains why the president’s game can tell us more about him than a roomful of psychologists

THE UNMISSING LINKS, April 2

Isn't it now apparent to all

the world's not my oyster,

the world's my golf ball

my Yahweh complex
I'm best at sex

it helps me relax so I can tweet

“I, Donald Trump, can never be beat”
except by my father
(long dead),
dear daddy Fred,

drumming TRUMP 
MEANS YOU WIN
inside my head

that is the one,
the sole reason only

I want to cry,
I am so lonely,

a lost little boy
who lives to annoy

everyone,
everywhere,
every country

where anyone thinks they are better than me

which I know
you already knew

it's the one thing about me demonstrably true
that is why I
defensively fold
(see all my gold)
my arms before me
my crowds adore me

this was never about

let me be clear
having to do
with castration fear