907: For Immediate Release?

Judge orders Michael Cohen's prison release after government ‘retaliation’

Trump’s ex-fixer sued federal prison officials and Barr on Monday, saying he was ordered back because he was writing a book

ANY DAY NOW (July 23) —

What is the point of being emperor

if you can't lock up people arousing your temper?

It is not as if I chopped off his head.

(Though I wouldn't mind if he turned up dead.)

I am sick of books smearing the my family name.

It is not endearing that my loony niece

will not let my dear dead dad Fred rest in peace

because I tried to screw her out of her share.

I gotta sue her. Sooner or later.

After I've dealt with Cohen. THE TRAITOR!

He helped build my facade of legitimacy.

No criminal acts can be tracked back to me.

I am not afraid. Rats do not scare me.

Hire “house painter”? Call Giuliani.

I heard you paint houses. — Jimmy Hoffa

890: A Pestilential Reverie

DREAMLAND (June 30) — 

This virus must be a Democrat.

It wants to make me look bad.

It is a front. Another witch hunt.

Here's what I say: SO SAD!

Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pil-lousy,

I know these Eye-tal-ian names!

I worked with the Mafia back in New York.

These too aren't the same.

I will not wear a mask.

It would ruin my mood

and get in the way

of my Coke® and junk food.

I always loved the Confederacy.

Still will whatever occurs.

Somebody said Confederate draft boards

issued exemptions for guys with bone spurs.

I'm in the same party as Lincoln.

Not many people know that.

Back in the day, we Republican racists

called ourselves Democrats.

If THEY cheat and I am defeated . . .

well, what has to be just has to be.

However, I have an excellent offer

to be president of the Confederacy.

I can see me carved on Stone Mountain

with Davis and Jackson and Lee.

In time they all fade away,

leaving only the mountain and me.

Time. I have none for the Bible.

And, yet, Christian I am.

Once (maybe twice) I glanced at the index

but, try as I might, I could not find my name.

Who knows how history will see me?

At this point it's too soon to say.

Regardless Rudy, my consigliere,

is paying historians to sign NDAs.

№ 852: Donnie In The Virus' Den

IN HIS DEMENTED DREAM (May 7) —
If I got in the cage with this virus,
I'd show it who is the boss.
All I need is a whip and a chair.
And a bottle of Worcestershire sauce.
I 'd show this virus a couple a' tricks
that nobody has ever seen.
I'd make this virus retire to China.
That's what I'd do.
Ya know what I mean?
I would beat it, defeat it, 
and then I would eat it.
This whole thing's a FAKE.
A teeny-weeny hamburger steak.
And for dessert, bew-t-ful cake.
I'd wash it down with Diet Coke^®
and give Rudy G., a stogie t' smoke.

№ 754.1: EXTRA! From Rudy's Greatest “Hits”

Rudy Giuliani, a Catholic, says he is ‘more of a Jew’ than George Soros, who survived the Holocaust (Paywall)

Rudolph W. Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, claimed in an interview that he is “more of a Jew” than Hungarian-born philanthropist George Soros, who survived the Holocaust.

The comment came amid a larger, seemingly boundless interview with New York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi, in which Giuliani reportedly claimed, without evidence, that former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch was “controlled” by Soros. He went on to call Soros, a Jewish billionaire and influential Democratic donor, an “enemy of Israel.”

“He put all four ambassadors there. And he’s employing the FBI agents,” Giuliani said, before continuing the conspiracy-theory-laden diatribe.

“Don’t tell me I’m anti-Semitic if I oppose him. Soros is hardly a Jew. I’m more of a Jew than Soros is,” said Giuliani, who is Roman Catholic. “I probably know more about — he doesn’t go to church, he doesn’t go to religion — synagogue. He doesn’t belong to a synagogue, he doesn’t support Israel, he’s an enemy of Israel. He’s elected eight anarchist DA’s in the United States.”

GONE SOUTH, SPECIFICALLY (December 24)

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(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

I expect everyone of the Dems to make fun
of my loud protestations of fake ev-i-dance
And they'll say I'm naïve as a babe to believe
any fable I hear from some Russian transplants

FOX-ily I'll face them and shout all their doubts away
Boldly I'll sing about Bidens in Kyiv
Endlessly I'll open my fat lying mouth and say
conspiracy is really a Democrat sort of a thing

I'm not ashamed to reveal
the unusually delusional illogical feelings I feel

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
a prime example of pure Jewish joy
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not really a goy
Nor can they say I'm Mafiosi
unlike — excuse me! — Nan-cy Pel-osi
Though I don't speak Yiddish
I am not at all skittish
which proves I'm not a goy
I am vain and insane and I go to Ukraine
to ferret out “facts”
what kind of critic says antisemitic
that is how I relax
I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not really a goy

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not really THAT goy

№ 754: High Crimes And Misdemeanors + 1 more

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THE SWAMP (December 23)

(with apologies to Bob Hilliard and Sammy Fain)

It's time for high crimes and misdemeanors
to bring Bad Donnie down
Because his high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

Just take a good look
at Constitution
You know the Senate knows
Don't need no law books,
Trump's pure pollution
while GOPers hold their nose

And McConnell, why so quick to acquit
this third-rate, strictly low-rent clown
whose high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

THE GHOST OF IMPEACHMENT PAST

WHERE WE ARE NOW (December 23)

President Nixon* was not a crook.
(Though he did do a few crooked things.)
That said, Donnie, despite Evangelicals**, 
ain't gonna “don” angel's wings.

Born corrupt, Donnie became corrupter
as he was taught to and as he sought to.
He found breaking laws a path to abrupt
stashes of cash. That laws can be laughed at
and people be bought off or silenced with NDAs.
If that didn't work, well. . .there were other ways
gleaned from his mentor, Roy Cohn 
(gangster lawyer, mouthpiece and queer***),
to cause a problem to. . .“disappear”.

Roy, like Trump's pal, Rudolph Giuliani,
would do anything for money and Donnie.
———————————
*not a “bad” person
**mostly “bad” people
***did not make him a “bad” person

№ 742.1: EXTRA! Rudy's A Wake Inning

Pressure builds for Giuliani as associate enters talks over potential plea deal

Pressure to cut deal comes after revelations that Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman are ‘likely’ to face more charges, attorney says

Email subscribers click here.

FORESEEABLE FUTURE (December 6)

(with apologies to Meredith Wilson)

Rudy Giuliani!

What a shameful name

And he has no one but himself to blame

Rudy Giuliani, the indictment will say,

soon someday will be put away

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani

let me say it once again

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani

you're headin' for The Pen

In truth there is a rational explanation

how we ar-rived at this ironical situation

it has to do with crim-inal facil-itation

you're all mobbed up

you were born corrupt

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani,

just like Donnie

you're another aging crooked clown,

and Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani,

Rudy Giuliani,

you're goin' down

[corrected 12/6/2019 3:00 pm]

№ 709: Donnie Want Piece Pries (wait'll next year)

 TCCN EXCLUSIVE 

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 21)

THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned that announcement of the winner of 2019 Nobel Peace Prize was withheld from U.S. President Donald J. Trump until last evening. President Trump had considered himself the front runner. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY is the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL®.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee, made up of five members appointed by the Norwegian Parliament none of whom are registered Republicans, announced Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali as the winner on October 11. 

According to TCCN's exclusive sources who have requested anonymity because she is not authorized or qualified to speak on such matters or much of anything else really, the president was for several days diverted from watching TV by Secret Service agents placing a number of “bright, shiny objects” throughout the White House and flashing laser beams on them. The First Lady also disclosed that the president was continually provided with extra-strength Diet Coke® during the crisis.

The news embargo was finally shattered when Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) assured Mr. Trump he'd be “a shoe-in next year”. The president, when done blubbering into his blankie, demanded he be told the whole story and was briefed by aides. Slowly.

According to TCCN's exclusive source, Mr. Trump, after being dissuaded by top military advisers from launching preemptive nuclear strikes on Norway and Ethiopia and being advised by in-house consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, there was no one he could sue, sent a “beautiful” congratulatory letter to Mr. Abiy, closing with the admonition “Have a NICE life.”

The Wikipedia entry on Mr. Abiy states he 

is multilingual and speaks Afaan Oromo, Amharic, Tigrinya, and English. He is a fitness aficionado and professes that physical health goes hand in hand with mental health and, as such, he frequents physical and gym activities in Addis Ababa. Abiy is a devout Evangelical Pentecostal Christian of the Full Gospel Believers' Church.

The following tweet, since deleted, was Mr. Trump's only other response.

DONNIEDREAM (October 20)

How can it be with a brain of my size

I did not win the No Bell Peas Pries?

Really?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?

WHAT (excuse me!) THE FUCK is great about him?
He could never, had he the whim,

vaporize nations with nuclear power

and has not got his name on one fucking tower!

These pries-giving whoevers do not realize

what I might do if I don’t get a pries.
Really!? Obama AND the Daily Lama,
but nothing for me? That could cause trauma.

It'd be great during next year's campaign. . .
my name's announced. . .Dems go insane.
Meantime, jes' sayin', it would be shame
if Africa-guy hopped on a bad Boeing plane. . .

№ 707: Donnie Mercury*

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AMONGTHERUINS (October 17)

(with apologies to Buck Ram)

I have never been a pretender (thank you, screw you)
I actually am doing well (thank you, screw you)
I am top notch, yes, you may touch my crotch
We all know I'm going to hell

No, I've never been a pretender (thank you, screw you)
There's nothing that I could not own (thank you, screw you)
I cheat, I lie and I alibi
and then I tweet on my phone

When real news claims that I am corrupt
I say it's FAKE! and my fans eat it up.
Okay, maybe I am a pretender (so what, who cares)
surrounded by even worse clowns (Rudy, Rudy)
I'm seen to be what I am (you see)
I wear a lamé dressing gown
I really do need a crown

Yeah-ah-ah-ah, wah-ha-ha-who
I'm such a heal that it can't be concealed
Okay, maybe I am a pretender
surrounded by even worse clowns (Rudy, Rudy)
I'm seen to be what I am (you see)
in my gold lamé dressing gown
I really do
I really do want a crown
——————————
*Mercury: a Roman god of commerce, eloquence, travel, cunning, and theft who serves as messenger to the other gods — Merriam Webster

№ 705: Rudiments Of Crime

LOCK HIM UP?
Giuliani Parts Ways With His Brand New Attorney – Then Threatens House Democrats to ‘Enforce’ Their Subpoena

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STANISLAS' WORKSHOP, UKRAINE (October 15)

(with apologies to John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie)

You're gettin’ divorced

you are corrupt

you're lyin’ for Trump

your number is up

Rudy G, you're goin’ t’ jail

It is not just

you are not nice

you hang with crooks

you pay the price

Rudy G, you're goin’ t’ jail

Who paid for the law school

where you got your JD?

To figure out the answer. . .

it don't take no PhD

You're gettin’ divorced

you are corrupt

you're lyin’ for Trump

your number is up

Rudy G, you're goin’ t’ jail

№ 701.1: EXTRA! Rudy Awakening?

Rudy Giuliani associates charged with campaign finance violations

Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman were arrested on charges including conspiracy, making false statements and falsifying records

They are alleged to have channeled $325,000 (£260,000) to a pro-Trump political action committee, America First Action, through a “straw”, or front, company set up to disguise the true origin of the funds, which were from a person identified in the indictment as Foreign National-1.

DONNIEWORLD (October 10)

This would be sad if it weren't so funny:
Rudy's pals caught giving Trump dirty money.
Being they're immigrants, why did not Rudy report them
and Donnie's ICE-men quickly deport them?
I suspect the answer is: well, of course,
they took a job that Donnie outsourced
to Moscow where Putin's the boss
of all bosses and anyway Donnie does not give a toss
where money he gets actually comes from
and thinks if you do, then you're the dumb one.
So long as it's cash (used bills, untraceable). . .
if the bag man gets caught, he is “erasable”.
He's linked to Rudy? Rudy's replaceable.

[updated 10/10/2019, 7:30 pm]

Click

№ 698: Donnie's Judgment Day

HEAVEN'S GATE (October 6)

Come Judgment Day, we can foretell
Trump telling St. Peter, “No, YOU go the hell.
I am TRUMP, Donald J., I go where I want!
And ‘TRUMP’ is always bold UPPERCASE font.
Your low-IQ God-guy hasn't a clue.
If I don't get in, Rudy will sue you.
God, too. And everyone else there as well.
I will to see to it, your heaven's a hell.

“In addition to which, I can't go to hell.
I'd be with my father. . .we don't get on well.
He did lotsa stuff, I think, to spite me.
I don't think daddy ever did like me.

“I will renovate heaven!
NO, I'M NOT BEING FUNNY.
I'll make it great again.
My name. God's money.”
TRUMP HEAVEN

№ 692.5: EXTRA! Donnie And Melanie Splitting?

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(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

WHITE HOUSE SECOND BEST BED (September 29)

Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's corrupt.
Donnie: Daddy was a Mafiosi?
Melanie: They all say so.
Donnie: No!
Melanie: He's corrupt.

Melanie: Now you're worried.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
They can't touch me.
Melanie: See, you're angry.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
I will get off...Stay.
Melanie: I'm leaving.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: You're all nuts.
Donnie: Stay.
Melanie: I have to-
Both: -Go
Melanie: -I know-
Both: Giuliani.

Donnie: Look, you're a very special girl,
Not just overnight.
No, you're a very special girl,
And not because you're bright...
Not just because you're bright.
You're just a very special girl...Stormy!
Melanie: Melanie!
Donnie: Melanie!
Melanie: Thank you.

Donnie: Whatcha thinking?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's unclean.
Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: I don't want to.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: It's demeaning.

Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: I demand.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani!
Donnie: I am dead.
Melanie: Yes, in bed.
Donnie: Bon voyage.
Melanie: So I'm going.

Donnie: Goodbye.
Melanie: You're angry.
Donnie: No.
Melanie: I've got to.
Donnie: Right.
Melanie: It's the sane thing
Donnie: Go.
Melanie: That's not to say...
That if you pay...
Oh well, I guess, OK.
Donnie: What?
Melanie: I'll stay.
Donnie: But... oh God!

№ 691.1: EXTRA! Innocent When Proven Guilty (lowering the Barr)

Justice Dept.’s Dismissal of Ukraine Call Raises New Questions About Barr (Paywall)

WASHINGTON — At the end of August, when two top intelligence officials asked a Justice Department lawyer whether a whistle-blower’s complaint should be forwarded to Congress, they were told no, Attorney General William P. Barr and his department could handle the criminal referral against the president of the United States.

About four weeks later, the department rendered its judgment: President Trump had not violated campaign finance laws when he urged Ukraine’s president to work with Mr. Barr to investigate a political rival, former Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

LETATCESTMOI (September 25)

Look, I hire a guy

or I pay him a fee,

then he's supposed

to investigate me?

That doesn’t make sense.

It’s like prostitution.

I do not care what it

says in “THE Constitution”.

MY lawyer’s MY mouthpiece

MY consigliere.

He is not just some dumb

fuckin’ canary,

turning against me,

being a rat.

There's a solution

for people like that.

The problem’s not knotty.

Not to be snotty,

but I learned to deal with it

from my pal John Gotti.

A really great guy,

truly a beauty.

It was through him

that I met Rudy.

№ 682.2: EXTRA! Through The Wormhole(s)

Giuliani Divorce: It’s Ugly, It’s Operatic. What Did You Expect? (Paywall)

The marriage of Rudolph and Judith Giuliani is coming to an end, and despite a judge’s urging, the wreckage is being laid bare for all to see.

JUSTDESSERTS (Friday the 13th)

Would it, I wonder, be horribly rude if

I were to rhyme in re Rudolph and Judith?

Rudy, now free from defending Donnie,

has his own problem. Sing “Hey, Nonny-nonny.”

Donnie and Rudy are both never wrong

which, I will grant, is the boringest song.

Still, I confess, I find no little glee

watching worms squirm. Sing “Fiddle-dee-dee!”

[updated 9/14/2019 1:42 pm]

[updated 9/12/2019 6:05 pm]

№ 578.1: EXTRA! Rudy On Sunday

Giuliani rails against Mueller report as Democrats mull Trump impeachment

• Trump lawyer: ‘Nothing wrong with information from Russians’

On Fox News Sunday, he claimed Robert Mueller’s 448-page report. . .was full of “calumny, lies and distortion”.

On CNN’s State of the Union, the former New York mayor. . .claimed the special counsel’s team “came close to torturing people”. . . .

Asked on NBC’s Meet the Press why Trump was so angry at Mueller and former White House counsel Don McGahn, a key witness, Giuliani replied: “Because they tried to frame him.”

RUDYLAND, April 22

This so-called report? A fat pack of lies
saying my client is innocent.
Even if he had committed his crimes,
being caught at it was NOT his intent.

Now I, his lawyer, speak freely — at last! —
now that Most Holy Easter is past.
Given this man whom I represent
I should never have given up lying for Lent.

With truth and lies you have to be coy or
give up pretending you are a lawyer.

№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

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N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

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I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)