№ 564: Europa (the good old days)

Story of most murderous people of all time revealed in ancient DNA (Paywall)

Starting 5000 years ago, the Yamnaya embarked on a violent conquest of Europe. Now genetic analysis tells their tale for the first time

“I’ve become increasingly convinced there must have been a kind of genocide,” says Kristian Kristiansen at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden.

Almost all people of European descent can trace their paternal origins back to inhabitants of the Eurasian steppe....these people, known as the Yamnaya, and their descendants travelled across the continent during the Neolithic replacing locals – particularly the men – as they went.

EUROPE, April 1

DNA studies show Europeans

descended from violent invaders,

who, if these studies be true,

efficiently dispatched indigenous males

from Balkans to Finland,

from Turkey to Wales

to Scotland, Ireland,  

to Spain, Scandinavia. . .
indulging in unpleasant behavior.

Our ancient forefathers accomplished these tasks

before we were Celts or Germans or Basques

or Greeks or Slavs or Renaissance Italians

or any more recent rapacious rapscallions.

Long ago we were already barbarian

well before anyone called himself Aryan.

This is why we are as mean as they come,

being descended of murdering scum.

Our DNA serves as grim testimonial

evidence for our successes colonial,

our need to invade, oppress and displace

anyone living in peace anyplace.

If we're in God's image, without thinking twice,

you've got to conclude God is not very nice.

Though it is true, to give Him his due,

God is not European, God is a Jew.

№ 519: Ethnic Cleansing Aisle 6?

Nautilus:

You’re Descended from Royalty and So Is Everybody Else

Anybody you can name from ancient history is in your family tree.

You are of royal descent, because everyone is. You are of Viking descent, because everyone is. You are of Saracen, Roman, Goth, Hun, Jewish descent, because, well, you get the idea. All Europeans are descended from exactly the same people, and not that long ago. Everyone alive in the 10th century who left descendants is the ancestor of every living European today, including Charlemagne, and his children Drogo, Pippin, and, of course, not forgetting Hugh. If you’re broadly eastern Asian, you’re almost certain to have Genghis Kahn sitting atop your tree somewhere in the same manner, as is often claimed. If you’re a human being on Earth, you almost certainly have Nefertiti, Confucius, or anyone we can actually name from ancient history in your tree, if they left children. The further back we go, the more the certainty of ancestry increases, though the knowledge of our ancestors decreases. It is simultaneously wonderful, trivial, meaningless, and fun.

Well! Goodness gracious. What are we to do?

We're all of us Christian, Muslim and Jew

and Buddhist, animist and Hindu, too,

and Chinese and French and Native American

and, in addition, we're all sub-Saharan?

The Math says genetically we are a stew?

There's no discreet “me”? There's no discrete “you”?

One single clan

causes all wobbles?

Put history down

to family squabbles?
Despite whatever 
we say or think,
we're in this together?
(Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.)

How could this be?
Math, surely you jest.
Remember the motto
on our family crest?
Whatever — FOR EV-ER! —
delenda est.

[updated 1/29/2019 10:07 am]

No. 208: XY Gee

Genetic research is very complex.
(As is everything spelled s-e-x.)
That said, the latest results suggest
the Y-chromosome is a defective X-.

All male mammals from shrews to whales
save for this misfire would be females.
Or so science tells us. If this view prevails,
can us guys go ahead and paint our toenails?