№ 767.2: EXTRA! Light Dawns At THE JOURNAL?

The Fall of Donald Trump’s Fixers (Paywall)

The mogul-turned-president has long relied on loyalists to push the limits in defense of his image, but Roy Cohn, David Pecker and Michael Cohen all wound up out in the cold

For decades, Donald Trump has depended on loyalists to take care of especially sensitive and difficult tasks. . . .including the Red-baiter Roy Cohn, the tabloid publisher David Pecker and the lawyer Michael Cohen. . .They pledged fealty to Mr. Trump and dedicated themselves to shielding him. . . .But Mr. Trump ultimately offered little back in protection or respect.

. . .after Cohn became sick with AIDS in the 1980s, Mr. Trump distanced himself, steering business elsewhere. . . .in 2016, Mr. Trump told friends at Mar-a-Lago, his Florida resort, that after hosting the dying Cohn for dinner there, “I had to spend a fortune to fumigate all the dishes and silverware.”

Mr. Cohen was charged with campaign-finance violations and is serving three years in prison. Mr. Pecker’s company, American Media Inc., admitted breaking the law while doing Mr. Trump’s bidding and reached an agreement with prosecutors to avoid criminal charges.

These operatives were attracted to Mr. Trump’s aura, to the force of the huge personality that led him to the presidency. But when they had fulfilled their missions, they were dispensable.

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REALITY BYTES (January 11)


(with apologies to Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Damn ol’ Don-man

dat Damn ol’ Don-man 

he ain’t nutin’

but a con man

he's jes keeps slitherin’

he keeps on slitherin’ along

He steals millions

he cheats civilians

sumptin’ ‘bout him

seems reptilian

but Damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

His lawyers lie

and go t’ jail

or die of AIDS

his “friends” make bail

The GOP 

still hangs on

purty soon

the country’s gone

We gits weary

o’ his lyin’

even JOURNAL’s

past denyin’

but damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

[updated 1/11/2020 11:56 am to add music credit inadvertently left out]

№ 577.2: EXTRA! Now It Can Be Told

Obstruction of Nothing

And here, we're guessing, is what WSJ redacted from their editorial.

(with apoligies to Paul and Linda McCartney)

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CLOUD CUCKOO-LAND, April 19

We're so sorry dearest Donald
We're so sorry Mueller caused you so much pain
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But your future still looks Stormy
And we ain't talking rain
We're so sorry but WE have only loving thinks to say
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But we really did believe you were headed for the clink
We're so sorry dearest Donald
But Bob Mueller had not a lot to say
We're sorry dearest Donald
But the Dems are on your case and you'll still be put away
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
Billy Barr told me
he would fix things up and I would go Scot-free
I ate a few Big Macs (my usual snacks) and put on a tie
(I always snacks on Macs it helps me to relax —  make napkin of my tie)
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
Golf a little lard ass, play a round (play a round)
Use golf cart keep your feet up off the ground
Golf a little, play a round
Golf a little lard ass, play a round (play a round)
Use golf cart keep your feet up off the ground
Golf a little, play a round
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy
I'm in Putin's pocket (pocket)
I am Putin's guy

№ 577.1: EXTRA! WSJ — Facts Take The Back Seat

One is forced to conclude
Murdoch's Opinion Minions,
each one an prominent sage,
were so busy yesterday fudging the facts
they'd no time to read the front page.

№ 555: My Budget Buy The Иumbers (by Donald J. Trump, Genius)

Trump Budget Relies on Up to $1.2 Trillion in Potentially Phantom Revenues

Up to $390 billion comes from taxes created by the Affordable Care Act, which president wants to repeal

Trump’s budget blueprint for the next decade relies on up to $1.2 trillion in revenue that might not materialize.

The budget assumes the government will collect as much as that amount between 2020 and 2029 from taxes the administration opposes or from scheduled tax increases that are likely to draw strong business opposition. The $1.2 trillion estimate comes from the Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget, an independent bipartisan nonprofit.

The numbers don’t add up.

As even I can see.

But, of course, such small details

don't mean a thing to me.

I am, you know, a bankrupt.
I corrupt democracy.

Vlad made it my feudal fief.
(Am I not beyond belief?)

I'm Donald Trump. I eat Big Macs.

I give Liberals heart attacks.

If the Dems get in my way,

“Release the Kraken,” I will say.
I'm looking for the least excuse
to turn my (WELL-ARMED) legions loose.

I can start a civil war.

This stupid job is such a bore,
Boring stuff I do not need.
(Like that crap I “need” to read
that gets me feeling apoplectic.)
Some folks tell me I'm dyslexic.
But that's FAKE NEWS I have to say.
Why won't the Times see things my way?
Might stop them failing then because
that's what Rupert's Journal does.

№ 357: The State Of The Press

No. 247.1: EXTRA! Speak The Speech I Pray You

We have reviewed the audio from our interview with President Trump, as well as the transcript provided by an external service, and stand by what we reported. Here is audio of the portion the White House disputes. — WSJ

I'm over the moon

for Kim Jong Un

or would be

if I could speak clearly.

He leads one of my favorite nations.

A country blessedly free of Haitians.

In a world of catch as catch can

I love all places unAfrican.

My excuse:

my dentures were loose

so I sound as dumb speaking

as I tweet thumbs freaking

out fake media

with my alt-fact encyclopedia.

I leave these fakes to their fates.

Gor blesh th' U-n-i-did Schtaetz.

No. CXXX.i: EXTRA! Prayer Of Thanks (August 14, 2017)

NYT: The Hate He Dares Not Speak Of (Paywall)

“He didn’t attack us,” crowed The Daily Stormer, a white supremacist website, about Mr. Trump’s statement after the two days of racist demonstrations. “Refused to answer a question about White Nationalists supporting him. No condemnation at all. When asked to condemn, he just walked out of the room. Really, really good. God bless him. 

WSJ: The Poison of Identity Politics (Paywall)

As so often with Mr. Trump, his original statement missed an opportunity to speak like a unifying political leader.

Let us give thanks unto the Lord
The New York Times' editorial board 

is ignored

               along with the (today) infernal

editorial page of THE Wall Street Journal

WaPo: Trump denounces KKK, neo-Nazis two days after Charlottesville unrest (Paywall)

The president spoke from the White House in an effort to tamp down criticism from Democrats and some Republicans that he had not been forceful enough in his comments Saturday.

To my alt-right pals:
the CAUSE is not lost
when I issued my follow-up
my fingers were crossed

As late as this morning
I thought things were fine
'til Javanka told me:
"Condemn THEM, or we'll resign"

So ignore what I "said"
I think you're beautiful
whatever I "say"
it's business as usual

No. XCV: Headlines & Propinquity

WSJ: Wall Street Journal fires correspondent over ethics conflict (Paywall)

WSJ: How Uber Backers Orchestrated Kalanick’s Ouster as CEO (Paywall)

Solomon by the Journal gets bumped.
Uber gives Travis a "Lyft" to the dump.
Your name in headlines has consequences!
(Unless your name's Donald Trump.)

I ain't sayin' nutin'. YOU tell me what it means.
John Gotti and Donald bot' grew up in Queens.
An' people against 'em...
(Mebbe sleeps wit' sardines?)