890: A Pestilential Reverie

DREAMLAND (June 30) — 

This virus must be a Democrat.

It wants to make me look bad.

It is a front. Another witch hunt.

Here's what I say: SO SAD!

Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pil-lousy,

I know these Eye-tal-ian names!

I worked with the Mafia back in New York.

These too aren't the same.

I will not wear a mask.

It would ruin my mood

and get in the way

of my Coke® and junk food.

I always loved the Confederacy.

Still will whatever occurs.

Somebody said Confederate draft boards

issued exemptions for guys with bone spurs.

I'm in the same party as Lincoln.

Not many people know that.

Back in the day, we Republican racists

called ourselves Democrats.

If THEY cheat and I am defeated . . .

well, what has to be just has to be.

However, I have an excellent offer

to be president of the Confederacy.

I can see me carved on Stone Mountain

with Davis and Jackson and Lee.

In time they all fade away,

leaving only the mountain and me.

Time. I have none for the Bible.

And, yet, Christian I am.

Once (maybe twice) I glanced at the index

but, try as I might, I could not find my name.

Who knows how history will see me?

At this point it's too soon to say.

Regardless Rudy, my consigliere,

is paying historians to sign NDAs.

№ 809: Allah-bama Yogi

Alabama bill may lift yoga ban in public schools but prohibit 'namaste' greeting

Lawmakers move to lift decades-old ban, but the bill would continue to prohibit chanting, mantras and the greeting


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(with apologies to Frank Perkins and Mitchell Parish)

DO SOUTH (March 9) —
In this silly Dixie drama
where things “foreign” cause a fright,
yoga now in Allah-bama
a right?

It’s Hindu in pajamas
It's not Islamist, all right?
Okay yoga, Allah-bama,
all right?

Yoga makes for relaxation
with salutation “Namaste”
Would it be okay if we changed it
to say, “Have a nice day”?

It’s not a sickle and a hammer
Why are you always so uptight?
Go do yoga, Allah-bama
Good night

№ 763: Two Questions

THE FOG (January 5)

Which enemy general killed more Americans:
Suleimani? Robert E. Lee?
Name the greater terrorist state:
Islamic Republic? Confederacy?

An enemy far away is a threat.
So is an enemy near.
That some see fit to celebrate it 
seems, to me, just a bit queer.

№ 742.2: EXTRA! All We Want For Christmas Is. . .

Confederate groups' presence leads to scrapping of Christmas parades

• Two North Carolina towns call off events fearing ‘disruption’
• ‘We just absolutely had to err on the side of public safety

ANOTHER DAY OF INFAMY (December 7)

(with apologies to Irving Berlin)

We're dreamin' of a WHITE CHRISTmas

just like the ones we used to know

we're politickin' fer cotton pickin'

Down here, cotton is our snow

We're dreamin' of a WHITE CHRISTmas

with Stars and Bars still flying high

when grey coat heroes beat Northern Neros

and clouds like Jesus fill the sky

We're dreamin' of a WHITE CHRISTmas

where we determine who can vote

we're buildin' walls to keep out all

those folks who stick in our throat

We're dreamin' of a WHITE CHRISTmas

only WHITE CHRISTIANS need apply

what Lincoln meant is decadent

Jeff Davis is our guy

We're dreamin' of a WHITE CHRISTmas

which will extend throughout the year

Then, with great Southern cheer,

we will buy Brett Kavanaugh a beer

No. CXXXIII.i: EXTRA! Nonsense On Pedestals

To "celebrate history" it would be absurd
to put up a statue of King George the Third.
One simple fact, there is no debate here:
Confederate statues celebrate traitors.
Yes, it's our history, but come on now, Donald.
Do you see statues of Benedict Arnold?
(Never examined in these discourses:
why Southerners worship dead losers on horses.)
And, however hard you may sleuth,
even Dixie lacks statues of John Wilkes Booth.