Showing posts with label evangelical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label evangelical. Show all posts

Thursday, June 4, 2020

№ 871: Letter To The Even Jelly Skulls

ON THE ROAD TO UNMASK US (June 3) —
The United States is not Iran. (That is, it isn't. Yet.)
However, I think it a sure-fire bet
that among you extollers there are holy rollers
who'd eagerly welcome homegrown “ayatollahs”,
who'd make the U.S. a theme park for Christians 
and “tolerate” everyone into submission,
with marriage solely between men and women,
with no abortion, or in-the-nude swimmin',  
where tomfoolery like one-man-one-vote
would be abolished . . . and that's all she wrote.
Where gambling, insurance, and evolution
would not be allowed under Your Constitution,
which, itself, would be, in fact,
reviewed by a Perfected Supreme Court that's packed
with male Bible scholars in clerical collars
paid only in gold, never in dollars,
since in Scripture, gold, myrrh, and incense
are what kings bring Jesus (prepaid recompense?)
for what he'll endure on Earth for the crime
of being born in wrong color-place-time.
(As we, most of us, have been, indeed, after all.
Be born white, rich, and male or don't be born at all.)
But here is a question that to me just occured:
what became of the gold, incense, and myrrh?
Did Joseph and Mary run off to Vegas,
blow the whole wad? Plus his carpenter wages?
There should have been a goodly amount
in the Baby Savior's Bank of Israel account
when, at last, he came of age
and gave up woodwork to work as a sage,
travelling and teaching, preaching full time.
Which local authorities considered a crime.
“Fomenting discord”, he sowed “revolution”
until fitted up with their “final solution”.
That said, however, the question remains
whatever became of his capital gains?
I know you can't think he actually wished
to provide the poor with more loaves and fish.
The “poor”, as you know, are apt to riot
when you provide them an adequate diet.
So where did he spend it? Oh, yes. Of course!
The settlements for his affairs and divorces.


            .   .   .


Sorry. 
I'm old. 
Confused. 
What a chump!
We're talking Jesus, 
NOT Donald Trump.
In my defense, allow me to say,
they're hard to tell apart, anyway.
One of them died for your sins,
the other you bless for his.


            .   .   .


Dearly benighted,
do not get excited
whenever you don't have your way.
It is NOT persecution,
no one needs absolution
when people other than you have a say
about what's forbidden, allowed, or required.
Your overdone dudgeon should be retired.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

№ 754: High Crimes And Misdemeanors + 1 more


Email subscribers click here.

THE SWAMP (December 23)

(with apologies to Bob Hilliard and Sammy Fain)

It's time for high crimes and misdemeanors
to bring Bad Donnie down
Because his high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

Just take a good look
at Constitution
You know the Senate knows
Don't need no law books,
Trump's pure pollution
while GOPers hold their nose

And McConnell, why so quick to acquit
this third-rate, strictly low-rent clown
whose high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *


THE GHOST OF IMPEACHMENT PAST

WHERE WE ARE NOW (December 23)

President Nixon* was not a crook.
(Though he did do a few crooked things.)
That said, Donnie, despite Evangelicals**, 
ain't gonna “don” angel's wings.

Born corrupt, Donnie became corrupter
as he was taught to and as he sought to.
He found breaking laws a path to abrupt
stashes of cash. That laws can be laughed at
and people be bought off or silenced with NDAs.
If that didn't work, well. . .there were other ways
gleaned from his mentor, Roy Cohn 
(gangster lawyer, mouthpiece and queer***),
to cause a problem to. . .“disappear.

Roy, like Trump's pal, Rudolph Giuliani,
would do anythinfor money and Donnie.
—————
*not a “bad” person
**mostly “bad” people
***did not make him a “bad” person

Friday, December 20, 2019

№ 752.1: EXTRA! GOTT MIT UNS (and Donnie and guns)

Franklin Graham slams Christianity Today for invoking father's name in call for Trump's removal

“My father knew Donald Trump, believed in Donald Trump, and in this last election, he voted for Donald Trump,” the president of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Samaritan's Purse added. “And if he were here today, I'm sure he would tell you that himself.”

President Trump responded to the editorial Friday morning, tweeting the “far left magazine ... knows nothing about reading a perfect transcript of a routine phone call and would rather have a Radical Left nonbeliever, who wants to take your religion and your guns, than Donald Trump as your President.”


GILEAD (December 20)

Every TRUE Christian takes the position
that to have it our way is no imposition
on non-believers, deceived by the devil,
who cannot conceive that we're on the level
and are not out of hand when we demand
that they obey every command
we are convinced comes from God's lips
until we achieve apocalypse.

God gave us this mission to bring on perdition.
And, yes, DO expect a New Inquisition.
— Franklin Graham

[updated 12/20/2019 4:19 pm]

Monday, July 8, 2019

№ 633: Headlines


HERE AND NOW (July 7)

British ambassador calls Donald inept.
(Speak of a secret but poorly kept.)

UN declares climate outlook is bleak,
a brand new disaster at least once a week.

Iran's giving up on nuclear deal.
(Additional proof Trump's a schlemiel?)

Meanwhile at Brexit, could be Johnson's thing
is playing the part of Jacobin king.

Book: Trump calls AOC “Evita”.
(Who wudda guessed he knew from da theata?)

The people of Hong Kong it seems wish to die.
If so, Premier Xi will oblige. By-and-bye.

Our sperm counts are falling. This is a crisis.
Who can we blame? Latinos or ISIS?

Evangelicals continue their Trump adoration,
succumbing to his satyr's “salvation”.

Ex-GOPer toys with White House run,
calls for impeachment. Lordy, what fun!

Feds arrest billionaire. Under-age sex.
(Maybe he runs for president next?)

And though I confess I do not care much,
in “football” our women defeat the Dutch.

Friday, June 14, 2019

№ 617: Light To Rife

END OF THE LINE, June 13

Why, if I may be so bold as to ask,
do Evangelicals believe it their task
to fix the world they say their God created?
If God made it, it is by definition! without defect,
exactly as you would have to expect 
unless you consider God somewhat overrated.

They say God created the Devil.
(Let's pretend the Bible is on the level,
not old nonsense long ago antiquated.)
Therefore, it must follow in equal portion
that God also created abortion
and stuff and procedures to which abortion's related:
diaphragms, condoms, day after pills —
quick picker uppers to clean up sperm spills,
lest feminine Dems require all men be castrated.

If this purported God hasn't retired
and if He/She really required
every egg-sperm combo to be propagated,
being perfect and powerful, I would have thought
(S)He'd have come with something less fraught
than this packet of nuts who say women, when impregnated,
lose their rights, have no say come what may
and must birth a baby who cannot be gay! 
and those holding otherwise must publicly be flagellated.

Do these über Christians see God as weak,
needing their help, requiring their pique,
or are these pipsqueaks Biblically uneducated?
The Bible is said to say all sorts of things.
(Some likely say it says pigs have wings.)
But on abortion consistent opinion is not unequivocally stated.
Therefore, I say, “Right-to-Lifers, away!”
Nor that I think this will end the affray
until an asteroid hits and the planet's depopulated.

                          *     *     *

Oh, thrice blest blast bring us perpetual peace,
freedom from Gods, laities, priests.
Pray tell, how soon before this can be consummated,
with everything living in a instant incinerated?
Evangelical lust for dominance will at last be sated
when this inadequate planet's completely obliterated.

Monday, March 25, 2019

№ 558: The Devil They Don't Know or How Evangelicals See Trump (a secular perspective)

HELL, March 24

The Devil farms victims whom he seduces
with disarming and charming amusing abuses, always and only true to himself, while pretending to be somebody else: a hero, whom the gullible trust, leaving them saying, “He is of us. He's on our side. He shares our goal”, then, as a consequence, they lose their soul. Clods plod the sod cloven hooves trod, lucky for them there is no god.

Friday, March 22, 2019

№ 557.2: EXTRA! A New Revelation Revealed (Really!)

US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has said it is "possible" that President Donald Trump was sent by God to save Israel from Iran.

WASHINGTON, March 23

This just in. And it's truly stunning.
Trump is revealed as the second (first?) coming,
come to save Israel from evil Iran
Syria, Qatar and Pakistan.
Actually anywhere Muslims are found
but since Muslims hate dogs, not the dog pound
where all things Trump do tend to go
since none has the ever been judged “best in show”.
Therefor, if one is hunting for witches,
one only need look where these sons of bitches
congregate, salivate, dementedly fulminate:
We've told you a thousand times if we've told you once,
Trump is the chosen one, Gott ist mit uns.

[corrected 3/22/2019, 10:30 pm EDT]

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

№ 515: Trump: An “Evangelical” View

Demagogue Democrats dare grouse and grump
over “crimes” committed by Donald Trump
in whom, ignoring Satanic behavior,
we see reincarnate Jesus, our Savior.
He is our hero, our man of the hour,
our raiser of walls, our builder of towers.
Gods needn't bother with moral norms.

(Love how the hair covers the horns.)

Monday, October 29, 2018

№ 453: A Prayer For Evangelials

However much (SAD) Lib-er-als, “Hrumpf!”
we Evangelicals will always love our Mein Trump.
Although we know he's not one of our guys 
we still will support him because otherwise
we will never – EV-ER! – accomplish our goal:
to forcefully save your unworthy/unwilling soul
from Darwin and rational secularism
with our legislative mass exorcism.
First, we took state legislatures to reapportion
congressional districts and outlaw abortion.
Soon we'll be in total control,
free to command. No need to cajole!
For who in CREATION knows better than we
what OUR God demands from humanity?

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

№ 434: Donald Trump Is Easy To Mock

Donald Trump is so easy to mock,
a poster boy for “a laughing stock”.
His lives telling lies while selling schlock.
Donald Trump is easy to mock.

At a young age, Donald went off half-cocked.
He's bragged on his sex life with a shock jock.
What he said there was clearly a crock.
Donald Trump is so easy to mock.

If he were a company, who'd buy the stock?
He'd lie all the time if he were a clock.
If in his Coke someone dropped some hemlock,
he'd be gone. Somewhere. Under a rock.

Donald Trump is so easy to mock.
Though never in combat, he is shell-shocked.
He practices sex in and out of wedlock.
Donald Trump is so easy to mock.

Donald Trump is so easy to mock.
His business is to Russians in hock.
His brain vaporized like Eniwetok.
Donald Trump is too easy to mock.

Donald Trump is so easy to mock.
He loves signing his name like he is John Hancock.
If he believes anything, it's pure poppycock.
Donald Trump is so easy to mock.

Donald Trump was never a jock.
Unhappily “bone spurs” his destiny blocked.
There are days he can't tell Iran from Iraq.
Donald Trump is so easy to mock.

Donald Trump preens like a peacock.
What he see as successes are mostly post hoc.
In Britain, they'd lock him in the prisoner's dock.
Donald Trump is easy to mock.

Donald Trump is a total train wreck
and my poor rhyming can have no effect.
(Because, after all, what can you expect?
But then I figure: Oh, what the heck?)

Donald Trump loves causing a fuss,
throws wives and cronies under the bus.
There is something here we need to discuss:
are we mocking him or is he mocking us?

And by “us” I  mean — please, don't get hysterical —
EVERYONE. Even folks Evangelical
who see Donald Trump as Yahweh's cat's-paw,
whereas, as Donald Trump sees it, L'etat c'est moi!

Friday, August 3, 2018

№ 392: Forwards Runs Senescence Until Reveals The Mind

The Trumpublican Party now and forever —
no man-made activities affecting the weather! —
will proclaim always “America First”
come hell (in TIME) or high water 
from glaciers and cloudbursts.
It's only fair to pollute the air
if it results in a profit.
As to the water —
have you seen my daughter? —
I drink Diet Coke. I do not care.

I love the flag
and I love coal.
I have to brag
I'm not growing old.
I LOVE Viagra.
I don't need a soul.
Souls make no sense.
Just look at Pence!

There was NO COLLUSION! —
lock her up, lock her up.
Funny name, Mnuchin.
Yo', bro, wassup?
Us billionaires 
are fixed for life.
(Guy looks like that,
with such a hot wife?)

Glad Ryan's retirin'.
You would be, too.
Last thing I need:
a three-percent Jew.
Jared, Ivanka?
I know, I know.
I think they do it
bigly for show.
My Evangelicals?
We'll see, we'll see.
What good is God 
when you're got me?

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

№ 390: The Trump And Rudy Show

First, “NO COLLUSION! Not at any time!”
Then, “Collusion? Okay. BUT. . .that's not a crime.”
Rudy's legal word games sound a lot like Bill Clinton's,
his eyeballs are shuttlecocks misplayed in badminton.
As a consigliere, clearly, Rudy's a dud.
A bumbling and incompetent old Elmer Fudd.

For once and for all let us end all confusion,
saying straight out that treason's collusion.
The act is the fact whatever it's called.
Even Trump's Evangelicals would be appalled
were they not in the thrall of the orange hairball.
Pardon me if I sound like a grump.
BUT there's stupid, there's Rudy.
And then there is Trump.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

№ 345: To Trump's Unevenjellyskulls

You Evangelicals swear you deplore
the least whiff of Sodom and/or Gomorrah.
So then. . .how do you explain
your not holding Donald Trump in disdain?
After demi-God Reagan and Little Bush fails
your hoped-for theocracy crashed off the rails
and let in {{LIBERALS}} and all that entails?
Has absence of RAPTURE made you so tired of waitin'
that you're actively castin' your lot with this Satan?

Sunday, April 22, 2018

No. 317.1: EXTRA! Sunday Sermon (The Devil On Line One)

NYT: ‘Shut Up, Satan’: Rome Course Teaches Exorcism, Even by Cellphone (Paywall)
ROME — Andrés Cárdenas sat in the back of the auditorium, opened his folder and took careful notes as a Catholic cardinal with decades of experience casting demons out of possessed bodies gave a master class on how to yell at the devil, rid Muslims of black magic and purge Satan on your cellphone.

On Tuesday, he could listen to an exorcist lecture on. . .“The Auxiliary Exorcist: Skills and Duties.”

On Wednesday, there was “Magical, Esoteric and Occult Links to Some Alternative and Energy-giving Therapies,” followed by Friday’s “The Exorcist: Life, Choices and Mistake.” But he was especially interested in Wednesday’s talk on “Witchcraft in Africa.”

So. . .THIS is what they get up to in Rome.
(Is somebody spending too much time home alone?)
Is the Vatican becoming — again! — as hysterical
as your typical U.S. Bible Belt Evangelical Clerical?

Does THE (one true) CHURCH believe it can thwart the demonical
by ripping off courses straight out of Rowling's Hogwarts chronicle?
All of this sounds, I have to confess,
like Flip Wilson's “The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress”*.
[Sidebar:
The devil can assume any disguise
Therefore, I'd say, we would be wise
to have White House and Capitol both exorcised.]
When, at last, Satan's cast out, banished and overthrown,
will she summon an Uber to take her home
by hacking the app on your smart phone?

Conclusion:

The devil will never prove as meticulous
as believers who render religion ridiculous.

[updated 4/22/2018, 1:15 pm]
____________________________
*Click here.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

No. 277.2: EXTRA! Donald Trump And The Curse Of The Evangelicals


This president’s effect on our cultural norms has been shocking. His critics would call it appalling; evangelicals say it’s immensely satisfying: They’ve seen a culture deteriorate quickly in the past decade, and they’re looking for a bold culture warrior to fight for them. Showing that God does indeed have a sense of humor, He gave them Mr. Trump. 

With at last a president who's God's plenipotentiary
we can repeal the twentieth century
and return again to the glory days
of a great President Rutherford Hayes*.

Trump is soooo sympathetic, generous, gentle
and, dare I say so, a tad sentimental.
When he sees no pretty women there
his hands are invariably folded in prayer.

We Evangelicals are in pursuit
of anyone we can persecute
in God's name, so we're not to blame
if the Lord and us think just the same.

Our God hates queers and same-sex marriage.
Our God hates anyone we choose to disparage.
Our God loves true Christian home schooling.
Our God loves five-four conservative rulings.

Of course, we'd prefer that Donald repent
but even the Devil was heaven sent.
Sometimes, you know, doing God's will,
you just have to deal with a load of pig swill.
________________________
*Hayes' election was less than deft,
a blatant, outrageous, electoral theft.
He ended post-Civil War Reconstruction
pretend he was ending “corruption”.
He used U.S. Army to suppress railway workers.
(The only way to treat striking shirkers.)

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

No. 255: Lessors Of Two Evils (at least)

We Evangelicals stand by our man.
Though he's a devil, he is God’s plan
and he is much, much better than
Hillary who is a woman.


We don't know that he's morally destitute.
That he screws porn stars. Perhaps prostitutes.
Anyways, we are sophisticates, not country rubes.
(Did y'all notice Stormy's magnificent boobs?)

As Christians we love our fellow men.
(If they’re not fags. Or Black. Or Mexican.
Or Mohammedan, as we usta say back in the day.)
We just wish 
ALL
non-straight,
non-Caucasian,
non-American,
non-Christian,
non-North European,
non-English speakers
would go
AND 
stay away.
(Please note: this does not make us racist.
Well, maybe a bit whacha call isolationist.)

God gives us the right to pick and to choose.
Some of our lawyers are Jewish Hebrews.
We're fervent pro-lifers, who've developed tactics
whereby we're allowed to collude with Catholics,
who we find real nice, actually swell.
It's a dang pity they’s goin' to hell.
(Where their damned popes and Jewish folks dwell.)

Since you ask, we'd likely, after debatin’,
support, vote for and abide with Satan.
If he was white we’d be convinced
he’d be on our side. 
(Y'all know, he's a prince!?)

Friday, August 25, 2017

No. CXXXIX: Today's Crystal Balling Appalling And Galling

not content with being third-rate
Trump's out to create a great big failed state
his how-to-repair-what-ails-ya
is like Maduro's in Venezuela
disband legislature co-opt the courts
(while he golfs at his resorts)
to renew the country remake it pristine
he'd make like Duterte in The Philippines
making America double-plus greater
shooting first he'd ask questions later
or never
whatever

like Best-Friend-4ever Tsar Vlad
those who oppose make him "so sad"
but unlike that cagey B-minus guy
Trump can't rely on his FBI
to fix things by bumping folks off
("my kingdom for his Kalashnikov")
if Vlad gifts Trump a gun
it's open season on everyone
Trump bold
with "Kalash"* gold
lots of luck
WTF
duck

one alternate fate
"evangelical caliphate"
setting Constitution aside
the Bible our infallible guide
kept as a remnant
the second amendment
or if Xi Jinping fails to prevail
upon North Korea to lower their sail
then avoiding a nuclear boom 
depends on sanity of Kim Jong Un
which means doom
I assume

you think things are bleak
just wait'll next week
debt ceiling/budget
fudge it
_____________
*Russian slang for Kalashnikov type rifles — Wikipedia