914: Large Graft Warming

DENIAL NATIONAL PARK (August 3) —

The only reason they’re having this hurricane

is to make me look bad.

There’ll be lotsa wind, there’ll be lotsa rain.

Waste of effort. Pathetic. Totally SAD.

My people — wonderful folks — know I am not to blame

for anything bad that ever happens. And they know I am sane.

America’s number one stable genius. The smartest guy in the room.

Who has no need for facts and figures. Or Fauci and Birx presumed doom and gloom.

Who will never panic over some fake pandemic.

(Which is fading, so laugh it off.)

Who will never acknowledge racism’s systemic

and may even ask O. J. to come play some golf.

Who is not afraid of fake climate “science”.

(Global warming’s a Chinese-made myth.)

Who eschews clean air and water compliance.

Who always gets what he wants forthwith.

913: Tweet Storm Warning

NOAA HURRICANE CENTER (August 2) —

If Dems, afraid of Chinese diseases,

do not show up to vote,

while Republicans flock to the the polls even sneezing,

bye-bye Joe Biden — that’s all she wrote.

I propose postponing election

’til we are rid of Chinese infection.

Somebody told me Article II

permits me to do whatever I want to.

I intend to prevent insurrection

with no leftist anarchist avoiding detection.

Blah, blah, blah. So “BLACK LIVES MATTER!”?

Tear gas and flashbangs. See how they scatter,

before my glorious cammo-clad Stasi

and multifarious posses comitati.

№ 864: An Imperial Intrigue

SLEEPLESS IN DC (May 25) —

It’s essential I find someone to blame

before this disease is attached to my name.

The “Spanish Flu” wasn't Spanish.

The Black Plague, not Black. (Rats and fleas!)

The current pandemic, Goddamnit,

though I say it is, it isn’t Chinese.

It would be a total pain in the rump

were Covid-19 deemed la maladie Trump.

(By Hydroxychloroquine, my elixir of Life!

La maladie Trump? Is that my wife?)

I need a crown. Perhaps a throne? OR

Imperial laurels. I do not want a corona!

№ 860: Trump Victory Speech #1022

IN HIS MIND'S I (May 19)  —

Today, I come before you to say

I chased China virus away.

As I promised. It vanished. Like magic!

Some people died? Blah, blah, blah, tragic.

Everyone says my soft summer breezes

are great. And they are deadly for virus diseases.

(Except . . . you know, polio —

which was NOT in my portfolio.)

Further good news. It is a fact.

All of the “dead” are Democrat,

foreign-born, or illegal alien.

Nary a Baptist or Episcopalian.

GOPers survived.

I suppose God should be thanked.

Or it could be the Clorox

(on my advice) that you drank?

But credit God.

Not me. I don't care.

Now to dissolve

Medicaid/Medicare.

We don't need either.

Never have, anyway.

Reopen the country

and let us prey.

№ 858: Corona Conspiracy — the plane truth?

Comac C919 — Wikipedia

The Comac C919 is a narrow-body twinjet airliner developed by Chinese aerospace manufacturer Comac....Its first commercial deliveries are expected in 2021...It is intended to compete primarily with the Boeing 737 MAX and Airbus A320neo.

CONSPIRACY CENTRAL  (May 17) —

A FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE!

C919 — Wikipedia. Nose cone virus — Harvard Health.

Co-VID? Co-MAC?

Gotta be one and the same!

Here @FOX we see plots, a lot!

This is NOT a conspiracy “theory”.

Clearly, Obama's DEEP STATE is to blame

for this China campaign to sell planes.

Increase Boeing's crashes, Airbus's collapse —

these wily Chinamen, these slanty-eyed chaps!

To dominate plane sales all ’round the world.

(To make men wear pigtails so we look like girls!)

We can't be too careful, we can never relax.

WHAT IF . . . they plant veggies in Donnie's snacks!

His meat intake decreased, his giant brain boggles.

He tries to walk, he waddles and wobbles.

Babbling garbled tweets through the night,

he says stupid stuff . . . oh, wait. That's right . . .

That's WHO HE IS. That's WHAT HE DOES.

That's why WE LOVE HIM. It is because

his discordant discourse makes us feel GREAT.

And when we feel great, we feel free to hate.

Anyone. Anywhere. Any time. THAT'S the plan.

To reclaim what it is to be an AMERICAN.

Free to believe whatever we choose.

Even la merde “dox” of FOX NEWS

№ 833: A Virus From China

He Could Have Seen What Was Coming: Behind Trump’s Failure on the Virus (Paywall)
An examination reveals the president was warned about the potential for a pandemic but that internal divisions, lack of planning and his faith in his own instincts led to a halting response.

THE WHITE HEARSE (April 12) —
(with apologies to Frank Loesser)

Email subscribers click here.

by his own tiny hand

№ 732.1: EXTRA! Xi Plays Hard, Plays Trump Card?

Trump Says He’s ‘Standing’ With Xi (and With Hong Kong’s Protesters) (Paywall)

In a Fox News interview, the president called the Chinese president “a friend” and suggested he might not sign a tough human rights bill to secure a trade pact with China. 

Email subscribers click here.

THE NINNY WITH THE FRINGE ON THE TOP (November 22)

(with apologies to Bob Merrill)

№ 667: Theme Form Commodus*

COLONIA TRUMPONIANA (August 22)

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Ernest Gold and Pat Boone)

Greenland is mine God gave Greenland to me
Like me he sees Greenland ice free
so when the glaciers melt I can dig out the belt
of minerals that China will envy

So understand Greenland belongs to me
I own Greenland is how it has to be
For I am just the man to cause the tides to rise
as God knows I am never wrong

So understand Greenland belongs to me
I own Greenland is how it has to be
For I am just the man to cause a mountain slide
as God knows I am never wrong
I'll make Greenland my own
I wanna buy I'll buy to make Greenland my own
Though Greenlanders cry Greenland is mine
————————
*Encyclopædia Britannica: Commodus

№ 633: Headlines

HERE AND NOW (July 7)

British ambassador calls Donald inept.

(Speak of a secret but poorly kept.)

UN declares climate outlook is bleak,

a brand new disaster at least once a week.

Iran's giving up on nuclear deal.

(Additional proof Trump's a schlemiel?)

Meanwhile at Brexit, could be Johnson's thing

is playing the part of Jacobin king.

Book: Trump calls AOC “Evita”.

(Who wudda guessed he knew from da theata?)

The people of Hong Kong it seems wish to die.

If so, Premier Xi will oblige. By-and-bye.

Our sperm counts are falling. This is a crisis.

Who can we blame? Latinos or ISIS?

Evangelicals continue their Trump adoration,

succumbing to his satyr's “salvation”.

Ex-GOPer toys with White House run,

calls for impeachment. Lordy, what fun!

Feds arrest billionaire. Under-age sex.

(Maybe he runs for president next?)

And though I confess I do not care much,

in “football” our women defeat the Dutch.

№ 622.2: EXTRA! Won Ton (Wanton, One Ton, Wantin') Bibles

Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods could lead to a Bible shortage in the US

Publishers say that if Donald Trump’s proposed tariffs of 25% or “much higher”...kicks into effect...Bibles will be made much more expensive in the US.

The overwhelming majority of Bibles in the US are printed in China, according to Christianity Today. China also became the world’s largest Bible publisher in 2012, according to Chinese state news agency Xinhua.

UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES, June 21

China has ripped off our jobs and technology.
Now in addition they've swiped our the theology?
Why is it always we give, they take.
What's next, will they steal our bew-ti-ful cake
claiming Trump gave it to President Xi.
(Another mistake by a talentless rookie.)

[updated 6/21/2019, 2:57 pm]

№ 614: Space “Race”

ORBITUARY, June 10

To colonize Mars will take money and gumption.
And the need to revisit a basic assumption.
Up for discussion among other topics:
will Martians be eating with forks or use chopsticks?
On the “red planet” will people banter in
American English or Chinese Mandarin?

As the U.S. and China race to the stars,
can we foretell the future on Mars?
In the U.S. this could be a very fraught subject,
if it turns out the Mars People's Republic.

While no one can say what the future may bring,
it will, doubtless, pain us to call Mars Huǒxīng [火星 ].
Would it ease our discomfort a little bit though,
if going forward we call Earth Dìqiú [地球]?

№ 557: You Know What You Can Do With Your Garbage (a message from The People.s Republic Of China)

As Costs Skyrocket, More U.S. Cities Stop Recycling (Paywall)

With China no longer accepting used plastic and paper, communities are facing steep collection bills, forcing them to end their programs or burn or bury more waste.


Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Jack Rhodes and Dick Reynolds)

BEIJING, March 21

We don't want your old newspapers
pizza boxes plastic spoons
You can't us what to do
you gross Trumped-up poltroon
We'll build our own world trading
scheme and colonize the moon 
while you wallow in your garbage
you big fat fake tycoon

This is gonna to be our era
it's a fact that China's back
and we will not be faked out
by a loud mouth Trump attack
You now owe us all your money
so we're gonna be just fine
We'll let you pay us slowly
but you better pay on time.

№ 551: A Letter To A Neighbor

Dear Mexico,

In the event you haven’t heard,

you’re presently bordering on the absurd

notion the nation directly next door

is building a wall from shore to shore,

from gulf to gulf to the Pacific,

which, in specific, is a horrific

waste of time and squandering of money

which you, doubtless, find exceedingly funny —

that this guy (Trump) has the pure gall

to say that you will pay for his wall.

As the rest of the world laughs off their asses,

this is the way America passes,

abandoning sanity and common sense

trumpeting Trumpian incompetence,

handing the future to the Chinese.

What can Mexico do in times such as these?

Breed your Chihuahuas with their Pekingese.

Truly yours,

the formerly great American state,
which, following England, became second rate

№ 539: The Twain Meet (the second date)

With apologies to Cole Porter. 

Email subscribers click here.

I love Kim.

And I tell you this is not some whim.

Though he may be a murderer, a horrible dictator,

his people love him like mine love me — albeit mine love greater.

I envy how he gets to rule without a legislature.

Yes, I love Kim.

Of all the tyrants that I've met within my presidancy

since the day that I took up my White House residancy,

Kim, I gotta tell ya, is the one who I most fancy.

Oi, I love Kim.

I love Kim.

I kenna tell ya how much I love him.

He kills at will just as they do in beautiful Araby

and in China, Russia — no ifs, no buts, no maybes.

I wonder how he would dispatch our Democrat crybabies.

Yes, I love Kim.

When I meet with my dear Kim my heart goes all a flutter.

He so reminds me of Roy Cohn I almost turn to butter.

And, no, I am no fag, so get your mind out of the gutter.

But I love Kim.

№ 342: Damn-O-Crazy (Populism Goes Pop)

Many in Russia still miss the Czar.
They can not help it.
That's just how they are.
Don't tell me Germans are all that much wiser.
Many, I'm certain,
would welcome the Kaiser.
And, if you say,
“Well, that's just their thing”,
consider France or Israel
where they'd chance a king.
What we are seeing is a world-wide distemper
among the masses who long for an Emperor.
From Iran to China to Ethiopia
people prefer their local dystopia.

Everywhen, everywhere the story's the same
“good” people seeking someone to blame
for their lot choosing a leader
who says there's a plot,
and promises life'll be easier
after — guess what? — the bad guys get shot.
Before we in U.S. go,
“Tsk, tut, hrump!”,
remember our wild card,
the Joker, Donald J. Trump.

№ 340: Fears Its Self

What Donald fears:

where to begin?

We do know for certain

he does not like gin.

And for all that,

all alcohol.

Matter of fact,

he can't stand it all.

Germs? For certain.

Add those to his list.

Tho' history shows

no problem with trysts.

Bodily fluids — especially blood —

make him turn bluish

and fall with a thud.

This Brit tabloid story

boldly declares

Donald may have

a problem with stairs.

Also with slopes!

(NO, not “Orientals”!)

which prey on his mind

whilst amidst Occidentals.

That he fears (and needs) women

is not something new.

A review of his life

shows this to be true.

We can assume

that he would rather

not be seen as senile

as was his father.

Sharks, evidently,

perturb his brain.

Which brings to mind

Roy Cohn. Again!

(Cohn, as you know,

was his gay father figure

who taught him to always

be quick on the trigger

and when you're hit

hit back harder and bigger

lest you occasion 

people to snigger.

Better to be 

seen as a tool

than to let anyone

think you a fool.)

He constantly wonders

who might poison his food, 

and drinks with both hands

in the interlude.

We know he fears Mexicans —

AND the Chinese.

(Though certainly not

“the birds and the bees”.)

He may fear Alec Baldwin

and SNL.

Does he? As he would say,

“We'll see, time will tell.”

Does he fear Mueller?

Does he fear Congress?

Does he fear Putin?

The last is my guess.

To sum it up, Donald,

indeed and forsooth,

there is nothing to fear.

Except the TRUTH.

No. CLXLI: China Stradegy — Trump Bows To Xi

Donald Trump has saluted the “extraordinary elevation” of President Xi Jinping and compared him to a “king” on the eve of his trip to meet an exalted and emboldened leader now considered China’s most powerful since Mao.

— Guardian: 'Extraordinary elevation': Trump kowtows to kingpin Xi

Esteemed Master Xi,

Remember me?

The guy who runs

your other country?

I beg you remember

after dinner of steak

I humbly offered you

beautiful cake —

which, I recall,

you really liked —

while I told you of

my great missile strike

on Syria.

(Or was it Iraq?

My brain's daily blearier

on matters of fact.*)

I call you king.

Please, do not resent.

I know, like me,

you “say” president.

I hear in Beijing

you've enshrined your thinking

in your “Constitution”.

Would you think it lame

if I did same?

Must I be a Confucian?

(To hell with pollution!)

This place “Ty Juan”?

It's Mexican?

Down on all fours,

I say it's yours.

And NoKo's Kim?

Yes, I mean him.

May I be proactive?

Radioactive?

The rest of the East:

entirely your feast.

I care not the least,

I desist and I cease.

I'm building at home.

(Can I get a loan?)

I remain respectfully,

Your servant,

Donnie

_______________________

*“So what happens is I said, ‘We’ve just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq, and I wanted you to know this,'” Trump said in the interview. “And he was eating his cake. And he was silent.”

“Syria?” Bartiromo corrected.
“Yes, heading toward Syria,” Trump said. He followed up by mentioning Xi finished his dessert. — Mother Jones, Trump Brags About Eating the “Most Beautiful” Chocolate Cake During Syrian Missile Strike Decision

No. CLXXXIX.i: EXTRA! If Only (Donnie's Midnight Musing)

The moves appear to give Mr. Xi, 64 years old, unassailable power, allowing him to impose his will on China’s leadership, global reach and economic might well beyond his second term.

— WSJ: Xi Jinping Is Alone at the Top and Collective Leadership ‘Is Dead’ (Paywall)

It would be finer

if we were like China.

Imagine me,

like Xi,

governing virtually

by decree.

WHEE!

NO. CLXXXIII: TRUMP — Dip Toeing Into Weevil “Genius”

After total non-start,

I'm outsourcing my
wall to Wal-Mart.

Constructed in China,

a wall seen from space.

So green men and Mexicans,

there IN YOUR FACE!
You say, “No way”
my wall's gonna work?

I say, “Oh, yeah.

Look at China!

See bad hombres there?”

After I'm done with Korea

(“Bye-bye, Kim, in hell I'll see ya!”),

though I'm tea-total,

to bond with my voters, I'll

celebrate with my first beer.

I have anti-impeachment insurance.

A test of opponents' endurance.

No matter how tense,

no Dems want Mike Pence!

NOT gonna write
my biography.

Can't copyright title:

“Despicable Me”.

No. XCIII: Job Desecration

WSJ: Ford to Import Next-Generation Focus Compact Car to U.S. From China (Paywall)

The auto maker scraps plans to build Focus in Mexico amid Nafta debate

Way to go, Donnie, saving the jobs
of all us hard-working American slobs.
No Fords to be built by Mexican rookies.
They'll come from China. (With fortune cookies!)
China! You know? Those folks who would croak us.
And you will notice the nameplate says Focus!