№ 786: A Very Stable Genius Contemplates Next Steps

IMPERIAL PALACE (February 5)

Everyone knows I am so germaphobic,

I don’t ever breathe when near the Potomac,

an Indian river which unlike Liz Warren

has “native” blood — by which I mean foreign,

not North European like you and like me and

not Latin or Asian or even Korean

like dear leader Kim, my nuclear friend,

and Putin and Bibi (he-manly men

like me and President Xi)

and the Turkish guy whose name I forget

and Bolsonaro and the Philippine whosis

and my murdering Prince, MBS,

who Jarred assures me can do Middle East peace

if the price is right and Bibi’s convinced

before he’s convicted, jailed and evicted

from whatever they call their White House.

AND Boris Johnson — Johnson! lovin’ that name —

who’s a bigger liar than I am . . .

My phone call was “perfect”,

no smoking gun, no quid pro quo, 

and as you know Bolton’s a jerk,

an Obama guy who should be locked up

whoever appointed him is bigly corrupt.

And so it's admitted, I am acquitted.

It's finally attested. And now I can have

late night “comics” arrested.

Cancel election.
I am perfection.
(Time for new wife?)

I am forever.
I am for life.

№ 780: Revelation In Senate (for friends with benefits)

THE SENATE PIT (January 28)

Jesus (in glory) descends on the Senate,

commanding John Roberts, “SIT down!

You are not worthy of judging my Donnie.

Nor are the rest of you clowns!”

While seraphim gambol, blowing their cornets

and angels sing Hallejuellas,

Jesus seizes the Dems by their horns

saying, “I am returning to rule ya!

“No more abortion, to hell with gay rights, 

women get barefoot and pregnant.

And don’t even mention ‘one man one vote’.

The notion, to me, is repugnant.

“You can forget the ungodly idea

of freely electing your leaders.

Read my lips! ‘KINGDOM of Heaven.’

Democracy’s not for believers.

“And what makes you think ‘all men are equal’?

Totally stupid idea!

Of course I play favorites. (Hint: NOT the Jews).

Have you paid no attention all of these years?

“I’m back, I’m proud, I’m White, I’m loud,

I speak English, NOT Aramaic.

Whoever suggests I do otherwise,

I herewith condemn to Passaic

“or Lodi or somewhere in Jersey

with devils and Kushners and Christie.

Ah, happy days then . . . the Trenton State Pen . . .

It makes me tearful and misty.

“I HAVE RETURNED.

I REIGN SUPREME.

I CALL THE SHOTS.

(Ya know what I mean?)

“Donnie and Jesus.

Jesus and Donnie.

Who’s conning who?

Sing, ‘Hey, nonny-nonny!’”

№ 779: What A Re-Bolton Development This Is . . .

WAIT A MINUTE (January 27)

Talk about a bolt from the blue!

Another Never Trump liar!

And after I treated him so very nicely . . .

what a SAD brush-mustachioed guy!

No need at all for Bolton to testify,

I did not do anything wrong.

And if I did it was to show how the Bidens

were the real crooks all along.

The only fair and just outcome is this,

“Disaster” Roberts says, “Case is dismissed.”

№ 776: A Max Senate Comedy

LIGHT'S OUT (January 22)

The Senate assures us they’re fair and unbiased,

(as you’d expect for a body so pious),

sitting in judgment of this arrogant crook

at whom the House could have thrown more than one book.

Given his guilt is proudly admitted,

it should take no time to see him acquitted,

even if, push comes to shove,

Dems can convince him to try on the glove.

№ 756: Nancy And Donnie (a love duet) + 1 more

COMING DETRACTIONS (December 25)


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(with apologies to Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt)

NANCY: Well. . .
DONNIE: Well. . .
NANCY: Impeach.
DONNIE: Impeach?
NANCY: You're not beyond my reach.
DONNIE: You know what Mitch'll do.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: I say, “Screw you.”

NANCY Donnie?
DONNIE: Yes, “dear”?
NANCY: I have never seen a man. . .
DONNIE: A man?
NANCY: . . .so low.
DONNIE: That so?
NANCY: It's true. You're as low any man can go.
I have never seen a single man, I mean,
with zero moral sense.
DONNIE: If you want morals, you'll get Mike Pence.

NANCY: Impeach.
DONNIE: You screech.
NANCY: Chuck will put up a fight.
DONNIE: I've got my own Jews, too.
NANCY: Rot in hell.
DONNIE: The same to you.

NANCY: Donnie?
DONNIE: Yes, “dear”?
NANCY: Have you ever had a thought. . .
DONNIE: A thought?
NANCY: . . .that's pure?
DONNIE: I'm not sure.
NANCY: What a boor. Are you really rotten to the core?
Have you ever done a single thing, I mean,
not totally uncouth?
DONNIE: Well. . .I may have done so once. In my youth.

NANCY: Convict.
DONNIE: You're licked.
NANCY: Convict.
DONNIE: You're licked.
NANCY: The Senate will evict.
DONNIE: With Mitch there's not a chance.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: There's not a chance.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: Four more years.
NANCY: We will see.
DONNIE: Go wet your pants. . .


           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

TRUMPING AT WINDMILLS

THE SKY IS FALLING (December 25)

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(with apologies to Burton Lane and E. Y. Harburg)

I look into a perfect sky
and guess what catch-es my eye
it's enough to make me cry
a Goddamned wind turbine
that darkens my skies
those Goddamned wind turbines hurt my eyes

Germans and Chinks 
want you to think
they got a “handle”
“Clean energy”!
but believe me. . .
can't hold a candle
to good old clean coal

It's just a Chink conspiracy
aimed at killing birds you see,
but Xi, he can't fool a guy like me
You may think that I whine
that my mind's in decline
but Goddamned wind turbines hurt my eyes

Let me just say 
I'm not Xi's sap
“Green energy”!
Take it from me. . .
a load of crap

№ 754: High Crimes And Misdemeanors + 1 more

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THE SWAMP (December 23)

(with apologies to Bob Hilliard and Sammy Fain)

It's time for high crimes and misdemeanors
to bring Bad Donnie down
Because his high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

Just take a good look
at Constitution
You know the Senate knows
Don't need no law books,
Trump's pure pollution
while GOPers hold their nose

And McConnell, why so quick to acquit
this third-rate, strictly low-rent clown
whose high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

THE GHOST OF IMPEACHMENT PAST

WHERE WE ARE NOW (December 23)

President Nixon* was not a crook.
(Though he did do a few crooked things.)
That said, Donnie, despite Evangelicals**, 
ain't gonna “don” angel's wings.

Born corrupt, Donnie became corrupter
as he was taught to and as he sought to.
He found breaking laws a path to abrupt
stashes of cash. That laws can be laughed at
and people be bought off or silenced with NDAs.
If that didn't work, well. . .there were other ways
gleaned from his mentor, Roy Cohn 
(gangster lawyer, mouthpiece and queer***),
to cause a problem to. . .“disappear”.

Roy, like Trump's pal, Rudolph Giuliani,
would do anything for money and Donnie.
———————————
*not a “bad” person
**mostly “bad” people
***did not make him a “bad” person

№ 751: Nancy And Donald, Part I (shake fears and fruit may fall)

NO SPINACH IN POSITION (December 18)

NANCY
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

DONALD
'Sblood, m'lady, they are false: nay, I'll tickle
ye for a kitten, i' faith.

NANCY
Swearest thou, ungracious lump? henceforth ne'er look
on US. Thou art lyingly carried away from true:
there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
old fat man; a tun of man is thy “companion”. Why
dost thou comport with that tweet of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of Coke®, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted McDonald's Big Mac® with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity i
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste Coke® and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to mouth a
Big Mac® and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

DONALD
I would NANCY you would take me with you: whom
means you NANCY?

NANCY
That villanous abominable cheater at golf,
DONALD, that old white-bearded Satan. Thy self.

DONALD
M'lady, the man I know.

NANCY
I know thou dost.

DONALD
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
more the pity, his scarce hairs do witness it; but
that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster,
that I utterly deny. If Coke® and Big Macs® be a fault,
God help the wicked! if to be old and horny be a
sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if
to be fat be to be hated, then thin Bidens
are to be loved. No, my good lady; banish Mike Pence,
banish Mulvaney, banish Barr: but for sweet Trump
Donald, kind Trump Donald, true Trump Donald,
valiant Trump Donald, and therefore more valiant,
being, as he is, old Trump Donald, banish not him
thy nation's company, banish not him thy nation's
company: banish plump Donald, and banish all the world.

NANCY
I do, I will.

№ 745.3: EXTRA! Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Donnie?

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MALEFICENT  REGRESSION (December 11)

(with apologies to Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)

Fe fe fi fi 
He's so dumb
He cannot walk
while he's chewing gum
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually)
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

He lies and he cheats, 
that's that's how it is
Moscow prostitutes
he watches while they whiz*
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who's always tweeting his defeats?
Who's always dampening his sheets?
Whose “berders” cause all those repeats?
Guess who? “Who, me?” Yeah, you!

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”
————————
*allegedly

№ 745.1: EXTRA! DO NOT Cross The Barr (a memo to the BOSS of ALL BOSSES)

William Barr suggests FBI acted in ‘bad faith’ over Russia investigation

Attorney general casts doubt on own department’s report

Donald Trump’s top law enforcement official has dismissed the FBI’s Russia investigation as a “travesty”, rejecting the findings of his own department’s watchdog that cleared it of political bias.

William Barr, the attorney general, claimed the president was the victim of a “bogus narrative” about collusion with Moscow during the 2016 election.

Barr served under Ronald Reagan and George HW Bush but has disappointed observers who hoped he would push back against Trump’s conspiracy theories and blatant lies.

ON OUR KNEES (December 11)

(with apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

Corruption and impeachment are
not for me the issue 
Should the Dems dare go that far,
I'll not let them dismiss you

Our Christian GOP is deeply steeped
in loathing things not us
We'll not allow damned liberal Dems
to harm God's chosen POTUS

Even Ronnie, who was most blessed
(may peace be upon him),
could not deliver like you do, dear Don
Praise unto you, our con man

I, Billy Barr, U.S. A.G.
will to the end defend
your corpulent excrescence,
as God doth intend

№ 744: Why Donnie Will Walk (a prediction)

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ACH DE TRUMP (December 9)

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I have often lied to my crowd before
Hired immigrants which I do not allow no more
Only God knows why I so love to lie
It's what I, Donald Trump, have to give

My lies cause Dems to cry and frown,
around the world my lies have won me great renown
My fol-low-ers a-dore what the Dems deplore
because what I, Donald Trump, have to give

And, oh, the cowering feeling
Dems feel whene'er I appear
The in-mouth souring feeling
when one by one their judges disappear

So what the House impeaches me?
McConnell and his Senate lack all honesty,
and, therefore, will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

So what the House impeaches me?
MY GOP does not pretend to decency 
and the Senate will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

№ 734.1:EXTRA! You Wanna Impeach A' Me?

Trump claims he'd ‘love’ to have his top aides testify in impeachment probe

The tweets came despite a White House directive for officials to not cooperate.

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(with apologies to Dick Reynolds and Jack Rhodes)

ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS A BUNCH OF LIES (November 26)

I can't wait to face impeachment
although it isn't fair
the way that I've been treated. . .
it musses up my “hair”
If it keeps you damned Dems happy
with subpoenas I'll comply
and when called to testify
my guys, of course, will lie

All your laws and reg-u-la-tions,
they don't mean a thing to me
I can play my “Trump” card
and we get out of jail free
On Deut-sche Bank loan money
I al-ways can rely
They're just as corrupt as me
and they know how to lie

All your laws and reg-u-la-tions,
they don't mean a thing to me
I can play my “Trump” card
and we get out of jail free
It ain't hard defeatin' Dems
I'm jes' Biden time
If “Little” Schiff impeaches 
in the Senate I'll be fine.
If “Little” Schiff impeaches 
in the Senate I will be fine.

№ 732: Donnie Muses What The News Is All About The Country Snoozes

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STOOPING EVER LOWER (November 21)

(with apologies to Hoagy Carmichael and Frank Loesser)

Quid quo pro, is all that I demand
Quid quo pro, a bit of underhand
Sadly,
it seems this time I'm caught
so I guess it was all for naught 

Quid pro quo, is it too much to ask
After all, they said Z “loved my ass”
Badly,
we tried to rig a deal
and then some whistleblower squealed

Oh! how I found it thrill-ing, oh so thrill-ing,
like Playboy whores I once loved “drill-ing”

Now I fear what Little Schiff'll do
if Pence flips (and maybe Rudy, too!)
Vlad. . .he's 
gonna be upset
You ain't seen nothing yet

Oh! how I found it thrill-ing, oh so thrill-ing,
like Playboy whores I once loved “drill-ing”

Now I fear what Little Schiff'll do
if Pence flips (and maybe Rudy, too!)
Vlad. . .he's 
gonna be upset
You ain't seen nothing yet
Oh no!
Quid quo pro

№ 715.1: EXTRA! Tilting At Vindman

Firsthand account of Trump’s Ukraine call puts GOP in bind, emboldens Democrats (Paywall)

A top National Security Council official on Tuesday delivered a firsthand account of President Trump pressuring Ukraine to investigate his political rivals, putting congressional Republicans in a bind and emboldening Democrats as they moved toward their first impeachment vote Thursday.

Trump and his allies on TV lashed out at Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who said his concerns about what he heard in Trump’s July 25 call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky drove him to notify his superiors. Trump dismissed Vindman as a “Never Trumper,” while some of his allies questioned the patriotism of the Army combat veteran because his family emigrated from the Soviet Union when he was 3.

Trump’s attack on the Purple Heart recipient unnerved Republicans in Congress, with several pushing back, albeit without naming the president. Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) called the offensive “misplaced and very unfortunate,” and said he had “full confidence” in Vindman “as an individual and his patriotism.”

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 30)

I suspected this guy right from the start.
Where is the paper work for his “Purple Heart”?
Anyway, my heart is red, white and blew.
And, don't forget, I had a uniform, too,
at my exclusive army-like school
where we did drills and marched through hills.
(I couldn't, though. Damned bone spur ills!
Which are the same as wounds in battle.)
This guy is a rat. This guy is a tattle.
This guy is a traitor. This guy is a spy.
Telling the “truth”? You call THAT proof?
Like I always say: the truth is a lie.

№ 714: Impeachable You

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ON THE IMPEACH (October 28)

(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

Disgrace us, you inescapable you
Debase us, you Pence-replaceable you
All you do is breed a brew of angst and disgust
Your disgusting crew leaves us with no one to trust

We've sick of the false alarms that you spew
Small wonder we're up in arms about you
Had you been born a “lady”
be a whore is all that you could do
You [bleep] impeachable you.

№ 711: Donnie's Message To The Tropes

Hypocrisy inaction

Two dozen Republicans disrupted the impeachment proceedings on Capitol Hill, storming a secure House Intelligence Committee suite. They refused to leave for five hours. The demonstrators, above, most of whom are not on the committees conducting the inquiry, chanted, “Let us in! Let us in!” as they argued that the sessions were unfair and should be open. The sergeant-at-arms, the top law enforcement officer in the Capitol, was called in to handle the situation.

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 23)

It is such a SAD day
when old RICH WHITE MEN
(some of them millionaires)
cannot have their say,
cannot get their way
and hardly anyone cares.

The founders were WHITE
and (for there time)
they were both RICH and old.
I was not their. . .
but somebody said. . .
and it is what I was told.

Know what I think?
I think it's a plot.
Part of the Deep State Democrat rot.
Part of the coup
against ME! (And you.)
Sponsored by George Soros,. . .

Sound the alarm,
time to bare arms.
Quick! To the barricade.
I'd love to join in,
for the foreplay in the foreFRONT. . .
BUT
chronic bone spurs, I'm afraid.

via GIPHY

№ 697.2: EXTRA! Whistling Past The Graveyard?

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HOWLOWCANHEGO (October 3)

(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

Someone blows a whistle, know what I say? Okay,
someone blew a whistle, we make it go 'way. Okay?
It's all so simple:
you find who rats you out,
you lie, you shout, you cre-ate doubt.
So I do collusion? So I subvert? 'Smy way.
Whistler doesn't like it? Maybe gets hurt? Highway?
Squeeze the pimple,
until he wants t' die.
Anybody knows me,
they gotta know,
it is my show,
it's about me.
No one blows a whistle
ev-er on me.

[updated 10/5/2019 2:08 pm]

№ 697: What The GOP REALLY Thinks Of Donnie (updated)

If Republicans Ever Turn On Trump, It’ll Happen All At Once

It’ll feel inevitable, but only in hindsight.

So now begins the reading of the tea leaves and the careful scrutiny of every Republican senator’s statements (or silence). Will Republicans finally break with Trump? We may not know until it happens. But be forewarned — if it does happen, it will likely take us by surprise. After all, political science has shown us that big political changes often come suddenly, after long periods of stasis. Looking back, it seems like of course the Soviet Union was bound to collapse. But up until the moment it did — and remember, it fell all at once — almost nobody predicted it.

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SAD STATE OF DON'T CARES (October 3)

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

What's the use of wondrin'
why he's good at bein' bad
or if that thing upon his head is hair
Oh, what's the use of wondrin'
if he's good — he's not? — so SAD!
he's our fella, so we love him
it's not as if we cared

about the endin'
which will, no doubt, be bad
if we had sense — or souls — we'd run away
but this is no conundrum
for although the endin's bad
he's our fella, so we love him
there's nothin' more to say

Somethin' made him the way that he is
things we dast not dis-cuss
and somethin' gave him the things that are his
one of those things is us,
ex-plic-it a-com-pli-ces
which some once thought was mad
but thanks to him WE NOW OWN THE COURTS!
so it does not behoove us
to note the Em-per-or's unclad
he's our Stanley, we're his Stella
and so we love his warts

[updated 10/4/2019 11:05 am to replace youtube links due originals not working;
visit our Tumblr feed where original does work; go figure]

№ 692.5: EXTRA! Donnie And Melanie Splitting?

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(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

WHITE HOUSE SECOND BEST BED (September 29)

Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's corrupt.
Donnie: Daddy was a Mafiosi?
Melanie: They all say so.
Donnie: No!
Melanie: He's corrupt.

Melanie: Now you're worried.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
They can't touch me.
Melanie: See, you're angry.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
I will get off...Stay.
Melanie: I'm leaving.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: You're all nuts.
Donnie: Stay.
Melanie: I have to-
Both: -Go
Melanie: -I know-
Both: Giuliani.

Donnie: Look, you're a very special girl,
Not just overnight.
No, you're a very special girl,
And not because you're bright...
Not just because you're bright.
You're just a very special girl...Stormy!
Melanie: Melanie!
Donnie: Melanie!
Melanie: Thank you.

Donnie: Whatcha thinking?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's unclean.
Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: I don't want to.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: It's demeaning.

Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: I demand.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani!
Donnie: I am dead.
Melanie: Yes, in bed.
Donnie: Bon voyage.
Melanie: So I'm going.

Donnie: Goodbye.
Melanie: You're angry.
Donnie: No.
Melanie: I've got to.
Donnie: Right.
Melanie: It's the sane thing
Donnie: Go.
Melanie: That's not to say...
That if you pay...
Oh well, I guess, OK.
Donnie: What?
Melanie: I'll stay.
Donnie: But... oh God!

№ 689.2: EXTRA! Do I Dare To Say Impeach? I Do Not Think It Will Sing To Me

Pelosi announces impeachment inquiry into Trump over Ukraine scandal

Investigation will cast a dark cloud over Trump’s already norm-shattering presidency as he faces re-election

WISHFULTHINKING (September 24)

Why bother to start an impeachment process

which is destined to fail?

There isn't even the ghost of a chance

Donnie will end up in jail

where he belongs along with the throngs

of lawyers and corporate cheaters

who never do and are as unlikely to

as we are to measure in meters.

Declare Donnie Emperor and hope his temper

does not commensurately worsen.

Disband the Courts, the House, the Senate —

no benefit opposing his person.

Give him all prizes, Nobel and Pulitzer,

Oscars, Emmys and Tonys.

Any time he does not win

the fix was in, it was phony.

He won the Derby, the Indy 500,

the Stanley Cup and MVP.

He is the Rookie of Every Year.

The Apprentice made NBC.

Give him whatever he says he wants.

Tell him he is perfection.

As for the rest of us, where can we hide?

Maybe witness protection?

Keeping heads down

until he “leaves town”?

[updated 9/25/2018, 8:19 am]

№ 527: Cloudy Crystal Balls

Should the Congress with Trump dispense,

we will be saddled with Michael Pence 

and this sleepy, God-fearing, creepy V.P.

will proclaim Christian morality

the law of the land.

Some will stand,

proud and attentive,

as Pence implements his sin preventive.

Others, like me, will flee for the fences,

beyond a stone's throw from wherever Pence is.