908: #PWMCT (or PWUNKED 2020)

MINDBOGGLED (July 26) —

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Those words prove my mental acuity.

I remember them, so all agree

nothing whatever's the matter with me.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Biden, hidin’ down in his cellar . . .

very low-IQ kinda fella.

Not a stable genius like me. 

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
I know nothing of history.

Not even who started the GOP.

(A lot of people say it was me.)

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately . . . education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes . . .

— Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest

903.1: EXTRA! We Interrupt Our Country . . .

Trump consults Bush torture lawyer on how to skirt law and rule by decree

• John Yoo wrote memo used to justify waterboarding
• Trump keen to use executive orders and circumvent Congress

John Yoo told Axios he has been talking to White House officials about his view that a recent supreme court ruling on immigration would allow Trump to issue executive orders that flout federal law.

In a Fox News Sunday interview, Trump declared he would try to use that interpretation to try to force through decrees on healthcare, immigration and “various other plans” over the coming month.

A REPUBLIC IF YOU CAN KEEP IT; and good luck with that (July 20) —

Sit back. Relax. The sky is NOT falling.

Turns out it was never there.

Like the whatchamacallit, the Constitution?

(Or, for all that, “gods” who “hear” prayers.)

All there has ever been is THE STRONG MAN, 

the glorious leader who,

can do whatever, whenever he likes
per tortuous logic spewed by John Yoo.

The valiant CAPTAIN commanding the crew

of lesser beings who’ll do as they’re told,

who’ll follow orders,

their brains all moldy, shot full of holes.

From watching FOX and listening to Limbaugh

their souls have become fascistic scrimshaw.

Take “Congress” and “Courts” to the town dump.

Bow down before the Mighty God Trump.

№ 744: Why Donnie Will Walk (a prediction)

Email subscribers click here.

ACH DE TRUMP (December 9)

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I have often lied to my crowd before
Hired immigrants which I do not allow no more
Only God knows why I so love to lie
It's what I, Donald Trump, have to give

My lies cause Dems to cry and frown,
around the world my lies have won me great renown
My fol-low-ers a-dore what the Dems deplore
because what I, Donald Trump, have to give

And, oh, the cowering feeling
Dems feel whene'er I appear
The in-mouth souring feeling
when one by one their judges disappear

So what the House impeaches me?
McConnell and his Senate lack all honesty,
and, therefore, will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

So what the House impeaches me?
MY GOP does not pretend to decency 
and the Senate will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

№ 711: Donnie's Message To The Tropes

Hypocrisy inaction

Two dozen Republicans disrupted the impeachment proceedings on Capitol Hill, storming a secure House Intelligence Committee suite. They refused to leave for five hours. The demonstrators, above, most of whom are not on the committees conducting the inquiry, chanted, “Let us in! Let us in!” as they argued that the sessions were unfair and should be open. The sergeant-at-arms, the top law enforcement officer in the Capitol, was called in to handle the situation.

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 23)

It is such a SAD day
when old RICH WHITE MEN
(some of them millionaires)
cannot have their say,
cannot get their way
and hardly anyone cares.

The founders were WHITE
and (for there time)
they were both RICH and old.
I was not their. . .
but somebody said. . .
and it is what I was told.

Know what I think?
I think it's a plot.
Part of the Deep State Democrat rot.
Part of the coup
against ME! (And you.)
Sponsored by George Soros,. . .

Sound the alarm,
time to bare arms.
Quick! To the barricade.
I'd love to join in,
for the foreplay in the foreFRONT. . .
BUT
chronic bone spurs, I'm afraid.

via GIPHY

№ 645.1: EXTRA! GOP Committee Members Pre-Response To Mueller

Robert Mueller Testimony Live: Former Special Counsel Faces Lawmakers

Rep. Devin Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, opened the second hearing with Mr. Mueller with a quip: “Welcome everyone to the last gasp of the Russia collusion conspiracy theory.”

OKEFENOKEE (July 24)

Mr. Mueller, your “report”

caused a bit of a buzz.

Though we have not read it

we can state that it does

not reveal crimes Donald did not commit.

And, sir,  if it does, we don’t give a shit.

№ 602.1: EXTRA! Separation Of Powers À La Trump

Trump Invokes Emergency Arms Sales Authority to Counter Iran

Decision to speed delivery of 22 deals worth $8 billion; opponents decry administration’s move 

WASHINGTON—The Trump administration on Friday invoked a rarely used provision of American arms control laws to sidestep Congress and authorize billions of dollars in weapons sales to Middle East allies, angering U.S. lawmakers who characterized the decision as an abuse of power.

MYWAY, May 25

This “rule of law” shit. . .
What the fuck's that about?
The way to do things
is personal clout.
My dad and Roy Cohn
both taught me and thought
there are no rules
that cannot be bought
out or ignored
or gotten round
if you bluster enough
a way can be found.

Eagles are regal.
Eagles are TRUMPs.
Rules are for seagulls
who eat trash at dumps.
Loser winged rats.
bird democrats.
(With a small “d”,
fuck democracy.)

№ 590.1: EXTRA! From Barr To Borstal

House Panel Votes to Hold William Barr in Contempt Over Mueller Report

‘We’ve talked for a long time about approaching a constitutional crisis—we are now in it,’ the panel’s chairman says

WASHINGTON—The House Judiciary Committee voted Wednesday to hold Attorney General William Barr in contempt as the Democratic-led chamber and President Trump continued on a collision course over special counsel Robert Mueller’s report.

[Committee Chair Jerrold] Nadler added, “Now is the time of testing whether we can keep a republic or whether this republic is destined to change into a different, more tyrannical form of government—as other republics over the centuries.”

MADHATTERLAND, May 8

The House has held Billy Barr in contempt?

Don't they know he's OF DONALD and therefore exempt

as Donald himself is from regs and rules

which apply to Democrats, losers and fools?

Instead let's investigate Hillary's servers,

NBC, Bernie's hair and (once more) Benghazi,

and leave in peace Trump's too complex taxes

and “fine people” such as his Tiki Torch Nazis.

[updated 5/8/2019, 7:30 p.m.]

№ 557.3: EXTRA! Report Card Time

Robert Mueller’s Report on Trump-Russia Probe Delivered to Attorney General Barr

WASHINGTON, March 22

...ultimately it will be up to Congress to decide whether any of the facts about Mr. Trump uncovered by Mr. Mueller constitute an impeachable offense.

Mueller is coming.

Trump is running scared.

Michael Pence is hoping

Donald won't be spared,

praying to his God

that sometime after Lent,

Donald will be gone

and he'll be president.

№ 542: The Unneeded Scheme

The walls fall: prototypes for Trump's southern border barrier come down

A worker passes a partially demolished border wall prototype during demolition at the border between Tijuana, Mexico, and San Diego on 27 February 2019. Photograph: Gregory Bull/AP

Demolition comes the same week that the House voted to block Trump’s national emergency declaration 

(with apologies to Joe Darion and Mitch Leigh)

Email subscribers click here.

To build this unneeded dumb wall,
to screw all the people I know,
to never repay what I borrow,
see Vietnam where, when young,
I would not go.
To watch prostitutes piss in thongs,
to grab all the pussy I can,
to lie until all eyes glaze over,
to boff a famous porn star.
This is my quest.
You say, “You're bizarre.”
You say, “You're shameless,
you amateur tsar!
To incite the far right
to violate laws,
to drive the country
to hell
to hear NAZI applause.”
But I know
if I'll only be true
to this infamous quest
that no one
will note or catch on
when I try incest.
And I know I'll be
famous for this.
Forget porn.
Forget I'm Putin's moll.
Because U.S.
Congress lacks courage,
I will build my damned Mexico wall.

№ 541: Cohen Testifies (challenge and response)

Six Key Takeaways From the Michael Cohen Hearing

President’s former lawyer sheds light on hush-money payments, WikiLeaks and plan to build a Trump Tower in Moscow during the 2016 campaign

“Every day, most of us knew we were coming in and we were going to lie for him on something,” Mr. Cohen said. “That became the norm.”

This FAKE distinction between truth and lie?

I can't say I get it. (Not that I try.)

I have all the best words which I know appeal.

That's the secret behind The Art Of The Steal DEAL.

№ 540: Michael Cohen's Opening Remarks As He Testifies To Congress

Cohen to Testify That Trump Engaged in Criminal Conduct While in Office

President’s ex-lawyer will tell House committee he witnessed Trump’s ‘lies, racism and cheating,’ role in hush payments, says a person familiar with his plans

“I’m going to let the American people decide exactly who’s telling the truth,” he said.

EXCLUSIVE! Theatrical Cement Company (the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL) has exclusively obtained the following exclusive advance copy of Michael Cohen's opening statement to House committee public hearing looking into whatever House committees look into in lieu of legislating. (God only knows what they do at the closed hearings.)

I am Michael Cohen. I was consigliere

to the boss of La Cosa Trump, 

who I will testify is truly scary
and who believed me his chump.

Mr. Trump does diddle

everyone, everything.

He IS into piddle. . .

that Moscow thing?

I can't say what goes on
in the West Wing.
(Save for the slanders
of Huckabee Sanders.)

I have my suspicions since he was so keen

to dig up some dirt on Charlie Sheen

that he could hold over Martin, Sheen's father,

who he thinks was once president. (Why. DID. I. Bother?)

Mr. Trump lives in a realm of his own.

He's not of this world. Please, E.T., call him home.

№ 527: Cloudy Crystal Balls

Should the Congress with Trump dispense,

we will be saddled with Michael Pence 

and this sleepy, God-fearing, creepy V.P.

will proclaim Christian morality

the law of the land.

Some will stand,

proud and attentive,

as Pence implements his sin preventive.

Others, like me, will flee for the fences,

beyond a stone's throw from wherever Pence is.

№ 525: SOTU In Situ

At least on this there is no debate:

the State Of The Union is in a state

unlike anything seen heretofore.

Yes, there was the Civil War

which you would think over and done.

(In the deep South, they think they won.)

Many whose grandparents heard people say,

“Go back where you came from. This is OUR USA!”

are now in the forefront of those who propose

telling Latinos “Via con Dios”

and sending them back to whatever fate

awaits in their native failed state.

This, they say makes America great.

Along with Trumpian alternate facts

and lowering billionaires income tax

destroying the land, the sea, the air.

If there's a profit, who the hell cares?

By supporting all his lies and distortions,

Trump's "Christian" followers support his abortions

of government policy for the environment

which their God set as a requirement

when he explicitly gave them “dominion”.

And that's in their Bible. It's not my opinion.

Trump mentioned his meeting with Dear Chairman Kim,

saying, “He'll lie to me and I will believe him.

He'll say he's scrapped every last missile.

I'll smile and think of Bob Mueller's dismissal

which forever will end the WITCH HUNTS.

I really do hate dealing with C-U-N-T-S!”

No lying Trump speech full of distortion

would be complete without decrying abortion.

Would GOP men still feel the same

if instead of ten seconds they played the nine month game?

There is one thing this speech revealed:

The State Of The Union should be repealed.

Since Trump can't tell the truth, no how, no way,

why force us to listen to what he has to say?

Finished (at last) with Trump's line of crap.

As they say in the movies: Well, that's a wrap.

№ 524: No Wall? ¡No hay problema! (how tweet it is)

3:15 A.M.
If Dems are two stupid too fund my wall,
we never will have safer boarders.
Immigration will be come-one-come-all
if Congress does not follow orders.

3:33 A.M.
Fortunately, a genuis like me
can quickly come up with a nifty Plan B.
Digging carnals both South and North
making us into an island henceforth —
like in Australia and (most of) U.K.
I sing Berder King: have it my way!

№ 496: A Matter Of Decree — The President Addresses The Nation (tomorrow the world?)

Due to the flaws

in all of our “laws”

the best people agree

I should rule by decree.

Since I, alone,

know what is best,

I told Congress,

“Give it a rest.”

Steve Miller tells me

I have the power.

Therefore, commencing

at this precise hour

every American —

everywhere, everyday —

must forever do

whatever I say.

I've shut down the courts.

You cannot appeal.

If you need to know more

read The Art Of The Deal.

The Federal Reserve

I've ordered to close.

I will not tolerate

being opposed.

Media outlets?

Sealed with large locks.

Except Murdoch papers

and stations of FOX.

To the police:

fire at will.

Specifically:

shoot solely to kill.

Henceforth, so my glory
is rightly displayed:
each year on my birthday,
a BIGLY a parade
in every city, 
village and town.
And if people insist
I'll accept the crown.

All appearing before me

will have to kneel.

Forehead on floor

I think ideal.

Mike Pence resigned

so he could. . .whatever. . .

He is not needed,

we gods live forever.

№ 473: Donald Serenades The Base (A Hand In The Till?)

(with apologies to Carl Sigman and Charles Danvers)

Email subscribers click here.

I give you reason to live.

All I do you forgive.

You support and adore me. . .

till bald Rudy grows some hair,

till Congress sprouts a pair,

till then you'll worship me.

Till Bob Mueller sees my tax,

till FOX News broadcasts facts,

till then you'll all fall for me.

I am old white men's revenge,
I have come to avenge
all that's gone on before me.

Till Vlad and Xi agree

they've had enough of me,

till when I'm doing time.

№ 409.1: EXTRA! A Tweet (and a prayer)

Guardian: Donald Trump: Google’s news service is rigged against me

US president claims ‘Google & others are suppressing voices of Conservatives and hiding information and news that is good’

I've studied the matter and I cannot see

why anyone, anywhere would not love me.

I'm handsome, I'm smart. I am really rich

and well educated. I'm sexy. Sonofabitch!

Anyone claiming I have a flaw

is in violation of what should be the law.

That it is not is a small technicality.

Congress address with true impartiality!

Make it a crime to demean my regality!

THE central tenet of my theology:

Everyone, everywhere owes me an apology.

So say, “I'm sorry!” or you will be sued.

I cannot stand it when people are rude.

№ 397: White Plight: a crime example

USA Today: Rep. Chris Collins says he's innocent on insider trading charges and will run in November

Federal prosecutors have charged Collins, one of President Trump's earliest congressional supporters, with insider trading on Wednesday, accusing the congressman and his son of using inside information about a biotechnology company to make illicit stock trades.

Rep. Collins is also charged with making false statements to the FBI.

What's wrong with insider trading?

Why is it breaking the law?

If you're well-off and connected. . . 
that is what friends are for!

How is this bad? It is so sad

that you're punished for having pals.

Next thing you know, so long status quo,

they'll be banning goosing the gals.

It's getting so the best men you know

are probably going jail.

In the short run it is much less fun

being born rich, white and male.

           

№ 340: Fears Its Self

What Donald fears:

where to begin?

We do know for certain

he does not like gin.

And for all that,

all alcohol.

Matter of fact,

he can't stand it all.

Germs? For certain.

Add those to his list.

Tho' history shows

no problem with trysts.

Bodily fluids — especially blood —

make him turn bluish

and fall with a thud.

This Brit tabloid story

boldly declares

Donald may have

a problem with stairs.

Also with slopes!

(NO, not “Orientals”!)

which prey on his mind

whilst amidst Occidentals.

That he fears (and needs) women

is not something new.

A review of his life

shows this to be true.

We can assume

that he would rather

not be seen as senile

as was his father.

Sharks, evidently,

perturb his brain.

Which brings to mind

Roy Cohn. Again!

(Cohn, as you know,

was his gay father figure

who taught him to always

be quick on the trigger

and when you're hit

hit back harder and bigger

lest you occasion 

people to snigger.

Better to be 

seen as a tool

than to let anyone

think you a fool.)

He constantly wonders

who might poison his food, 

and drinks with both hands

in the interlude.

We know he fears Mexicans —

AND the Chinese.

(Though certainly not

“the birds and the bees”.)

He may fear Alec Baldwin

and SNL.

Does he? As he would say,

“We'll see, time will tell.”

Does he fear Mueller?

Does he fear Congress?

Does he fear Putin?

The last is my guess.

To sum it up, Donald,

indeed and forsooth,

there is nothing to fear.

Except the TRUTH.

No. 317.1: EXTRA! Sunday Sermon (The Devil On Line One)

NYT: ‘Shut Up, Satan’: Rome Course Teaches Exorcism, Even by Cellphone (Paywall)

ROME — Andrés Cárdenas sat in the back of the auditorium, opened his folder and took careful notes as a Catholic cardinal with decades of experience casting demons out of possessed bodies gave a master class on how to yell at the devil, rid Muslims of black magic and purge Satan on your cellphone.

On Tuesday, he could listen to an exorcist lecture on. . .“The Auxiliary Exorcist: Skills and Duties.”

On Wednesday, there was “Magical, Esoteric and Occult Links to Some Alternative and Energy-giving Therapies,” followed by Friday’s “The Exorcist: Life, Choices and Mistake.” But he was especially interested in Wednesday’s talk on “Witchcraft in Africa.”

So. . .THIS is what they get up to in Rome.

(Is somebody spending too much time home alone?)

Is the Vatican becoming — again! — as hysterical

as your typical U.S. Bible Belt Evangelical Clerical?

Does THE (one true) CHURCH believe it can thwart the demonical

by ripping off courses straight out of Rowling's Hogwarts chronicle?

All of this sounds, I have to confess,

like Flip Wilson's “The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress”*.

[Sidebar:
The devil can assume any disguise
Therefore, I'd say, we would be wise
to have White House and Capitol both exorcised.]

When, at last, Satan's cast out, banished and overthrown,

will she summon an Uber to take her home
by hacking the app on your smart phone?

Conclusion:
The devil will never prove as meticulous
as believers who render religion ridiculous.

[updated 4/22/2018, 1:15 pm]
____________________________

*Click here.