Showing posts with label guns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guns. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

905: The Gospel According To GOP (or get me rewrite)

SINCE WISHES ARE ELEPHANTS (July 21) —
We Republicans, try as we might,
can not make Ayn Rand into Jesus.
Although we’d love to we can not because
“Atheist Ayn was a free-love extremist.

In order to salvage our Trump-damaged brand,
we have change Jesus into Ayn Rand.
To hell with free loavers! To perdition free fishers!
It’s supply and demand. (Which the marketplace wishes.)

Let the poor starve. Ignore the lame.
Such loafers have only themselves to blame.
We hold peacemakers blessed, we MEN of action.
“Peacemakers”, you know? The Colt Single Action.
Click

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

№ 874: Freedom Of Belligerence

CHAPEL HILL (June 8) 
Why is there not a church or a chapel
where we can worship Our Donnie,
our grand New Savior, 
whose courageous behavior,
is undoing all things Obama-y?
We may be a failed state,
but our gun laws are GREAT
and anyway who needs THE WHO
whose “rock opera” Tommy
is an abomination,
just between me and you.
Donnie inspires. He encourages viruses,
pollution, collusion, bad air.
With Donnie to guide us, waddling beside us,
we overcome any temptation to share
anything.
With anyone.
Anytime.
Anywhere.
Grab and hang on to all that you can.
THAT'S what it means to be an American.
Might wins the fight. Might does make right.
'N it more'n might he'p if'n y'all are reeaal white.

Friday, January 17, 2020

№ 772: Trump Is Just A Four Letter Word


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SLOUGH OF DESPOND (January 16)

(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

Seems as tho' the GOP lost its collective mind,
either that or they de-cid-ed, “better to be blind”
Donnie knows this con-stit-u’ncy
will ig-nore his lax mor-al-it-y
so long as his ev’ry ap-point-ee
en-for-ces their re-lig-i-os-ity 
no way 
of making Donnie ever go away

Outside of Dem-o-crats (some who might be worse),
no one an-y-where can free us of this curse
Of can-did-ates, there were — at least — a score,
al-most ev'ry one a bore
with whom Donnie’d mop the floor
as in des-per-a-tion, Dems search for 
some way 
of making Donnie somehow go away

Dem’s never know it’s time to go when their ammo's spent
Donnie’s crowd is “loud and proud” and they do not relent
They’ve got guns and the Dems have none 
come High Noon showdown Dems are done
So Dems sit back and sip some good Bordeaux
no point in fighting toe-to-toe
no way 
of somehow making Donnie go away

Though Nancy did her level best, impeachment can not work,
not with Mitch and GOP backing up the jerk
The high crimes and mis-de-mean-ors clause
is not enough to even give them pause
because they know Donnie knows no law
and if he did, they know that he’d ig-nore,
(no matter that the whole wide world de-plored)
anyone or anything he saw as moored 
in his way 
and to-tal-ly refuse to go away

Re-mem-ber how we were taught no one's above the law
A pretty thought that counts for naught as Donnie clearly saw
Now that Donnie's found Ar-tic-le II
there is no tell-ing what he’ll do
with his short attention span and shorter fuse
and his pred-i-lec-tion to ab-use
given the Su-preme Court’s skew-er-ed views, 
I’d say
there is no way that Donnie goes away

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

№ 745.2: EXTRA! Trump Sets His Sights On Antisemitism (or does he?)



You may feel as I do that college campuses have gotten increasingly — and inexcusably — anti-Semitic in recent years. But this executive order is not “good for the Jews” as the saying goes. That’s because any anti-discrimination order by this particular president is bad for the Jews, for one simple reason: It further identifies us with an anti-democratic administration.

AND FURTHERMORE (December 11)

This policy has a serious flaw.
It prevents criticism of Israel's gun law*.

Israeli law says all guns must be licensed!
And you can only own one at a time!
When it comes to bullets,
and if you own more than fifty,
you're guilty of a serious crime!

There are no exceptions,
there is no appeal.
So NRA is
anti-Israel?
————————
*US conservatives like to point out that both societies are well-armed, but the similarity ends there: Israelis trust their state, and don’t fear each other
The Times Of Israel, March 1, 2018

Friday, November 29, 2019

№ 737: Keep On Bearin' Arms Deep In Barren Minds

NRA (November 28)

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to John Denver)

Shotguns on my shoulder make me happy
handguns in my waistband make me cry
boxes full of bullets look so lovely
when I carry I always feel high

Just because the U.S. Constitution
was written when guns only fired one shot
and it took twenty seconds to reload 'em
our Supreme Court has ruled, “So what?”

Shotguns on my shoulder make me happy
handguns in my waistband make me cry
boxes full of bullets look so lovely
when I carry I always feel high

We will never let some sissy Lib'rels
infringe upon our keep and bearin' right
though we are uncertain what infringe is
like Minutemen we're ready for a fight

Shotguns on my shoulder make me happy
handguns in my waistband make me cry
boxes full of bullets look so lovely
when I carry I always feel high
when I carry I allatime feel high
when I carry I feel I'm a guy

Friday, September 6, 2019

№ 677: Ask Questions Later

Walmart to stop selling some types of ammunition

Company to ask shoppers not to openly carry firearms, even where legal, after series of mass shootings

MOMMIEI'MASCARED (September 5)

Emotional cripples and folks that are blind
take “support” pets to Walmart. (Which I think is fine.)
Why can't walk in with my AR-15? 
I need support, too! Walmart, you're mean.
It is not fair. How do you dare
infringe my right to keep-and-bear?

Hey, legislators, you do know I'm votin'?
As for the rest of you, you know I'm totin'.
If your “support” pup tries to attack,
I'm locked and loaded. I WILL shoot back.
When I am packin', I stand my ground.
And I'm always packin', don't mess me around.

I'm unsure, insecure and quick to alarm.
I need firepower. It keeps me calm.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

№ 526: Views Of Too [WHITE] American Males

BBC

Hawaii may increase legal smoking age to 100

Hawaii could raise the legal smoking age to 100, effectively banning cigarettes for the vast majority of people in the state.

The Patriot:
First they ban smoking. (Real men don't vape.)
Next thing you know they'll make all sex rape!
Outlawing suppression of vote registration?
A totally flagrant states' rights usurpation.
Seatbelts, bike helmets all safety rules
should be replaced by Bibles in schools.

We insist it's our right to do what we wish.
Let pussy liberals call this illegal-ish.
Liberals who hate our having fun,
who foam at the mouth when you show them your gun,
who cannot grasp our way of life,
who have never held a gravity knife,
who faint at the sight of a fresh field dressed deer,
who live in big cities (is that why they're so queer?),
who love making everything we do illegal,
who never poached a bear or an eagle.
Liberals inflated by their self-absorption.
(If only their mothers had had an abortion.)

We prayed for relief. God heard our lament.
That is THE REASON Trump is now president.

The One-Percenter:
A just society 
is one in which
you can do anything 
if you are rich.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

№ 456: Consti-what-shun?

WSJ: Trump Wants to Curb Birthright Citizenship, Escalating Immigration Debate


Legal scholars dismiss the idea, saying a president lacks standing to do it on his own

In an interview published Tuesday morning, just ahead of next week’s midterms, Mr. Trump said he planned an executive order to end what is known as birthright citizenship, bypassing Congress and waving off the belief of many legal scholars that such a move would require a change to the Constitution.

“It was always told to me that you needed a constitutional amendment. Guess what? You don’t,” he told Axios. “It’s in the process. It’ll happen, with an executive order.”

As president I can do what I like.
Because if I can't. . .where's the fun?
I can, if I want, have someone shot,
then charge them for use of the gun.

I learned all this stuff from my boy, Stephen Miller.
(He reminds me so much of Roy Cohn.)
Although he resembles a serial killer,
he's more like a Mafia don.

Steve, when he's near, fills folks with fear.
Like my boy Roy, his smile is a sneer.
Two of a kind. My kinda guys.
Don'cha just love their really dead eyes?

Two of a kind: Roy Cohn and Stephen Miller











NYT: Trump Attacks Ryan, Who Scoffed at Birthright Citizenship Plan (Paywall)


In a Twitter post on Wednesday, Mr. Trump presented his own legal argument: “It is not covered by the 14th Amendment because of the words ‘subject to the jurisdiction thereof,’ ” . . .

With judges who say corporations are people,
then rule people need homes full of guns,
there’s no reason to think undoing amendments
won’t be considered great fun.

Our GOP's quick on the draw to hold up uphold the law.
(Sweetest damned thing that you ever saw!)
We'll fix what is wrong. People will cheer.
And Brett Kavanaugh can have him a beer.

Friday, March 2, 2018

No. 282.2: EXTRA! NRA Thinks Outside The (Ammo) Box (a pressing release)


Everyone knows guns are pure fun.
They make it safer for everyone.
F'rinstance:
if more women were thought to pack heat,
there's some fellas who might be discrete,
slower to give in to their inner ape,
decreasing the frequency of so-called date rape.
Oh, sure, the body count might shoot somewhat up
and a guy'd (maybe) pause before, “Hey, baby, 'sup?”
And maybe some gals would off a few beaus,
but think of the uptick for gun sales and ammo.

[Updated 3/3/2018, 1:00 pm]

Friday, December 8, 2017

No. 222.1: EXTRA! NRA — Guns Don't Always Kill People; Not Everyone's Such A Hot Shot

(HARRISBURG, Pa.) — Police say a 10-year-old boy playing with a gun he thought was a toy shot his 6-year-old sister in the chest.
The NRA response to this case
will not be our typical
Shut up, in your face!”
The problem is not
guns in the home
or children with guns
let alone
the right to bear arms
in cities, on farms.
As we are forever explaining
the problem is inadequate training.
With gun practice startin'
in kindergarten
we'd have fewer
haphazardy tragedies.
If this little girl
had also been armed
chances are she might
not have been harmed.
The solution gets clearer
hour by hour.
Everyone needs
more firepower.


Friday, October 6, 2017

No. CLXIII: GOP Las Vegas Bullet Points

In wake of this tragedy,
we need a strategy.
We need a distraction
to hide gun inaction.
Controls we'll relax as
we tinker with taxes.

To keep people calm on their sofa.
we need something like our OWN Oprah.
(Though, of course, she'll be white,
young, blond, built tight,
leggy, smart and appealing,
and happy to live
beneath our glass ceiling.)

We lost Megyn Kelly.
Coulter's old and too yelly.
It can't be Melania,
it can't be Ivanka.
Tiff's a bystander.
NOT Huckabee Sanders.
Dark hair. Frowns. Pudgy...Meanders.

While the mess coalesces
and compounds distresses,
cut upper tax rate
fan flames of race hate.
We need someone fun
to shout, “Everyone!
You get a gun.
You get a gun.
You get a gun!
AND. 
YOU. 
GET. 
A. 
GUN!”

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

No. CLXX.i: EXTRA! GOP NON-responders


House Republican leaders called for unity and prayer Tuesday after the deadly mass shooting in Las Vegas, but offered no new legislation to tighten gun laws and said a bill to ease regulations on gun silencers would be shelved indefinitely.

Ryan said there's no plan for the House to act soon on a National Rifle Association-backed bill to ease regulations on gun silencers. 

The bill is "not scheduled right now. I don't know when it will be scheduled," Ryan said.


House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI)
At the urging of NRA
House Speaker Paul Ryan announced today
potential prey must kneel and pray.
That is, unless they
are “taking a knee”
in favor of racial equality.
Then, he said, they
should stand conspicuous
show some respect
and not be ridiculous
.