№ 874: Freedom Of Belligerence

CHAPEL HILL (June 8) —

Why is there not a church or a chapel

where we can worship Our Donnie,

our grand New Savior, 

whose courageous behavior,

is undoing all things Obama-y?

We may be a failed state,

but our gun laws are GREAT

and anyway who needs THE WHO

whose “rock opera” Tommy

is an abomination,

just between me and you.

Donnie inspires. He encourages viruses,

pollution, collusion, bad air.

With Donnie to guide us, waddling beside us,

we overcome any temptation to share

anything.
With anyone.
Anytime.
Anywhere.

Grab and hang on to all that you can.

THAT'S what it means to be an American.

Might wins the fight. Might does make right.

'N it more'n might he'p if'n y'all are reeaal white.

№ 872: Tell Me Why (or Walking The Planck)

SOMEWHERE (June 4)  — 

That science advances funeral by funeral

is an intriguing tautology

Though, by itself, it cannot explain

the lack of advance in astrology

and other fields of fuzzy thinking

where practitioners, lacking all inkling

of analysis and methodology,

often fall pray to mindless doxology.

(Looking at you, my dear theologians.

Your hypotheses are, pace, untestable.

Yet you insist your devined doctrines

are not only true, but uncontestable.

Which I find indigestible.)

There also are those who profess economics

which is less scientific than newspaper comics,

all complex equations mixed with evasions

amounting to nothing whatever.

It’s all mumbo jumbo, all smoke and mirrors

lacking consistency, despite changing gears,

with different persuasions for different occasions.

Along with religion, it lives forever,

changing with time to conform to new norms.

(Amazing how nonsense weathers all storms.)

To return to the theme of facts changing minds — 

largely unheard of among [sic] humankind.

It seems sub-optimal, but there must be some WHY

rather than changing, we prefer to die.

Someone would win an MacArthur Grant

if they could explain it. Not ME! I can’t.

Bonus: Unrelated except by title (Click)

№ 844: Doubting Thomas Road

OUT TO LYNCHBURG, VA (April 27) —
With all the talk of cures in the air,
why aren't there any mentioning prayer?
So many say they can pray gay away,
why not add, “God, chase corona away”? 

Why isn't Falwell (or other ministers)
pleading for aid from the Divine Listener?
This could, I suppose, be totally logical,
presuming his thinking on things theological:
is, “Heaven’s my home. I am not of the world.
I get to tell God where He's failed
And then inform Him how things would done,
with Falwells in charge, Father & Son.”
(Jerry-mandered Falwell requirements
pushing the Old Guy into retirement.)

—————
Note to our email subscribers: an unnoticed glitch/change in our email feed on April 13 changed the reply-to address in our email edition, blocking responses from subscribers. We think has been corrected. (We shall see.) We apologize for any inconvenience.

№ 807: The Lug's Prayer

NATIONAL CATHEDRAL (March 5) —

   For horror done in Washington,

  hollow/dead be TRUMP's name.

    Corruption fun. Nation undone.

    Unearthed hazards. Aggression.

     Tweeting away sullied the Fed.

  Increasing dread make us no better.

       Leading US into depression,

          unleash-èd evil, this man.

№ 674: Exorcising Religious Freedom

Harry Potter books removed from Catholic school ‘on exorcists’ advice’

Pastor at St Edward junior school in Nashville says JK Rowling’s use of ‘actual spells’ risks conjuring evil spirits

YOUCAN'TMAKETHISSTUFFUP, TN (September 2)

COULD a book by Ms. Rowling persuade

God-fearing people to go on Crusade?

To burn heretics alive at the stake?

To maim and torture? All for God's sake!

Why, I must ask, do all religions

sit on a park bench and poison the pigeons?

Why, at THIS time, do I find bewilderin'

Catholic concern for the welfare of children?

№ 617: Light To Rife

END OF THE LINE, June 13

Why, if I may be so bold as to ask,

do Evangelicals believe it their task

to fix the world they say their God created?
If God made it, it is — by definition! — without defect,
exactly as you would have to expect 

unless you consider God somewhat overrated.

They say God created the Devil.

(Let's pretend the Bible is on the level,

not old nonsense long ago antiquated.)
Therefore, it must follow in equal portion

that God also created abortion

and stuff and procedures to which abortion's related:

diaphragms, condoms, day after pills —

quick picker uppers to clean up sperm spills,

lest feminine Dems require all men be castrated.

If this purported God hasn't retired

and if He/She really required

every egg-sperm combo to be propagated,

being perfect and powerful, I would have thought

(S)He'd have come with something less fraught

than this packet of nuts who say women, when impregnated,

lose their rights, have no say come what may

and must birth a baby — who cannot be gay! —

and those holding otherwise must publicly be flagellated.

Do these über Christians see God as weak,

needing their help, requiring their pique,

or are these pipsqueaks Biblically uneducated?

The Bible is said to say all sorts of things.

(Some likely say it says pigs have wings.)

But on abortion consistent opinion is not unequivocally stated.

Therefore, I say, “Right-to-Lifers, away!”

Nor that I think this will end the affray

until an asteroid hits and the planet's depopulated.

                          *     *     *

Oh, thrice blest blast bring us perpetual peace,

freedom from Gods, laities, priests.

Pray tell, how soon before this can be consummated,
with everything living in a instant incinerated?
Evangelical lust for dominance will at last be sated
when this inadequate planet's completely obliterated.

№ 613: (Un)original Christians

Against the Christians 
by Porphyry of Tyre
Throughout its first three centuries, the growing Christian religion was subjected not only to official persecution but to the attacks of pagan intellectuals, who looked upon the new sect as a band of fanatics bent on worldwide domination...Prominent among these pagan critics was Porphyry of Tyre (ca. 232-ca. 305 C.E.)...His book Against the Christians (Kata Christianon), was condemned to be burned by the imperial Church in 448. It survives only in fragments... 

— Amazon

SACRED PRECINCTS, June 9

Though Bible tales — floods, apples, whales —
were cribbed from texts aboriginal
(including the sin where we come in!),
still Christians insist they're original.

When they became the center of learning,

Christians naturally turned to book burning,

preferring performing unending encores,
playing the part of the persecutors.

Empowered, religions abjure absolution,

they prefer payback and persecution.

Email subscribers click here.

№ 601: The Devil's Hand Made Tail In GOP

Do Christians view The Handmaid's Tale 
as an instruction manual?
As true as apocalypses
foretold in Daniel*?
Do they think Dems Babaloney magicians,
hell-bent on infringing their buying munitions,
replacing sacred and holy traditions 
with secular, liberal Satanic positions?
For if they do, it would be a shame
and would give Christian religion a very bad name.
Which one could say — had one the nerve —
would be something exceeding well-earned and deserved.
(Though, to be fair — maybe waffle a smidgen —
the same can be said of every religion.)
————————————
*Also see: New World Encyclopedia

№ 582: Œdipus Perplex (ah gnats!)

Belief, be it in science or some other god —

please believe me I say this with charity —

is mental illness if only because

believers believe there is clarity

somewhere and they can find it.

(Or there will be once they've defined it.)

Humans think themselves witty.

They believe they achieve the real nitty-gritty.

Therefore their ends can be rather unpretty

as Œdipus “saw” as he sought to know more.

(He was so open-minded, he ended self-blinded.)

A gnat understands being a gnat.

And being a gnat, leaves it at that,

content in knowing that that is that.

Had Œd been a gnat, I have no doubt that

his end would never have come down to that.
(Although he may have died with a splat.)

Whether small insect or royal and great,
at the end of the day your FATE is your fate.

№ 577.3: EXTRA! Doctrine Air (an Easter special edition)

GILEAD, April 20

Our preacher tells us THE BIBLE

is ultimate, absolute TRUTH.

Neither he nor we can read the original

so whatever he says is our proof.

We prefer praying to thinking.

There's no need for science with God.

To think otherwise is unseasonable

and is considered a little bit odd.

We see no need for logic.

Logic's like witchcraft. But worse.

The only thing you ever need know

is BIBLICAL chapter and verse.

We are opposed to Sharia.

But. . .since we've no sins to atone. . .

in the event Sharia's imposed,

we'll happily cast the first stone.

All we want is our freedom

to live in accord with God's will.

Those who choose some other way

therefore will have to be killed.

№ 536: Beyond Belief

Christians believe in a Magic Sky Daddy.

The idea seems really unreal.

This thing that needs to be constantly worshiped?

I mean. . .what's the appeal?

Other beliefs I have to confess,

more or less, are also a mess.

Whether one, no or multiple Gods

we all act the same. What are the odds?

№ 528: A Denaturing Agent

Plummeting insect numbers 'threaten collapse of nature'

“Unless we change our ways of producing food, insects as a whole will go down the path of extinction in a few decades....The repercussions this will have for the planet’s ecosystems are catastrophic to say the least.”

Computer viruses,

lab-made diseases,

atom bombs, missiles,

blockchain currencies-es —

though these would

make future grim,

they are not what 

will do us in.

It never was

in our best interest

to set about

to slaughter all insects.

Creepy crawlies

make nature “tic”.

If they disappear,

we'll follow quick.

Nature's bargain with them

is strict and contractual.

We bring in things

entirely unnatural.

She prefers insects,

in whom she trusts.

Humans to her

are superfluous.

Here in THE CITY

as THE END approaches

I take comfort knowing

we'll still have roaches.

And rats.

And probably pigeons.

And, if it comes to that,

Judeo-Christian religion.

These must be viewed

not as albatrosses,

but as payback

for all other losses.

As much as I'd love to

it is im-pon-sib-le

to honestly say

religion's responsible.

(“Religion” and “honestly” in a

non-negative sentence?

A non sequitur

or non compos mentis?)

We're forever offside

on lines of scrimmage.

Is this because

we're made in God's image?

Or is it, perhaps,

with age God got sloppier?

Or someone has messed

with His Heavenly Copier?

Could it be, here's a thought

that's liable to scare MAN:

up in heaven the devil's

the Xerox repair man.

№ 491: The Pre-Fossil's Creed

“Sic transit gloria, abandon all hope,”

is writ large on the wall when you're born.

Nevertheless, some of us manage to cope 

while others take up religion or other op-

iates, and thereby give cause for Marxists to scorn.

Religion and Socialists imagine perfections,

concocting all sorts of lovely confections

which, on inspection, never reflect

anything anyone sane would erect.

These inveterate optimists should be sent to a shrink so

they'll stop making up things “pretty to think so”.

№ 427: A Doubters' (S)Creed

Cut through
the hullabaloo!
Don't believe anything
not demonstrably true.
That includes,
not incidentally,
religion and theories
on the economy.
Having said that,
I'm willing own
there is one truth
that's sublime:
two plus two
is ALWAYS four!
I think.
Most of the time.

№ 423.1: EXTRA! Lighting Fools The Way To Dusty Death

Dying 16 September in 1498:

Tomás de Torquemada,

first Grand Inquisitor.

That his methods may now 

seem somewhat quaint,

why should that stop him 

from becoming a saint?

In his day he was sort of okay.

That's what they say in 

The Catholic Encyclopedia.

Though it might pose a problem 

with Israel's Chief Rabbinate,

he'd be a near perfect fit

for Donald Trump's cabinet.

№ 417: Old Time Religion

What IS God's problem?

I mean, think about it.

He claims to exist,

yet smart people doubt it.

He punishes you

on the slightest whim

and still insists

that you worship him.

Behaving in ways

that ever perplex. . .

And don't get me started

on his Jehovah Complex.

And don't go telling me

that's just how things are.

That God is most cozy

with kings, fascists and tsars —

who behave just as he does

whenever they are.

That this Kingdom of Heaven

never needs an election

since it exists

in a state of perfection

with dissidents sent to “warm-weather camps”
where they're tortured forever

by cloven-hoofed scamps.

(Which strikes me as worse

than collecting stamps.)

God's various followers

hate one another.

If you see 'em coming,

better take cover.

Monotheism is

one sorry excuse.

Forget it, I say.

Let's bring back Zeus.

№ 415.1: EXTRA! A Pence Sharia Accomplice

Guardian: Indonesian province bans men and women from dining together

Islamic Aceh district rules only married or related couples can eat out at the same table

Now before you go saying, “Golly! Pshaw!”,

note that Mike Pence supports this Sharia Law.

(Something, I'll warrant, he never foresaw.)

A religious fanatic loves being dogmatic

and often indulges in thought acrobatic

which, while not democratic, can be dramatic.

№ 400: Fake News

Guardian: Yuval Noah Harari extract: ‘Humans are a post-truth species’

In his new book, 21 Lessons for the 21st Century, the bestselling author turns his attention to the problems we face today. Here, he argues that ‘fake news’ is much older than Facebook

Homo sapiens conquered this planet thanks above all to the unique human ability to create and spread fictions. We are the only mammals that can cooperate with numerous strangers because only we can invent fictional stories, spread them around, and convince millions of others to believe in them. 

There's no blaming Trump

for this human accomp-

lishment: believing whatever we please.

Reading our history most clearly shows

it is our species' defining disease.

Some lies are brand new, some are so old

that they no longer need to be told.

Can a new thing be true? 

Probably not.

When we're shown “proof”,

we answer, “So what?”

(Everything's true, everything's false.

There is no diff betwixt foxtrot and waltz.)

STILL. . .it is “true” —

believe what you will —

some things are true-ish,

others pig swill.

It may depend,

in the short run,

on who is the victim

and who's got the gun.

Although it may

make wussies wince

bullets have often

been known to convince.

№ 398: Gods And Demi-gods

Don't confuse Donald with Jesus.

Jesus, you know, had his flaws —

hanging with whores and lepers,

flagrantly flouting Rome's laws.

Jesus, we're told, did not worship gold —

though he probably never paid taxes.

Was he as fair? Did he have better hair?

Was his skin as glossy as wax is?

Jesus, of course, was crucified —

hung on the cross until he died.

And he was not a woman abuser.

Donald would probably call him “a loser”.

Relevant reprint:
Thursday, August 17, 2017
No. CXXXIII.i: EXTRA! Nonsense On Pedestals

To “celebrate history” it would be absurd
to put up a statue of King George the Third.
One simple fact, there is no debate here:
Confederate statues celebrate traitors.
Yes, it's our history, but come on now, Donald.
Do you see statues of Benedict Arnold?
(Never examined in these discourses:
why Southerners worship dead losers on horses.)
And, however hard you may sleuth,
even Dixie lacks statues of John Wilkes Booth.

№ 393: Getting God Marx

I have zero respect for Marxists,

however clever they be.

Their blinkered view

cannot construe

any economy.

(And don't get me started

on wages and labor

or Marx' incomprehension

of human behavior.)

Also, and in a similar vein,

can anyone, anywhere ever explain

the infantile notion of Magic Sky Deity

demanding, commanding, requiring our piety?

How can one hope to cope with this lack of sobriety?

I am not a part of his (OR HER!) fandom.

From where I sit*, all of it's random.

————————————————

*I have bad knees.