913: Tweet Storm Warning

NOAA HURRICANE CENTER (August 2) —

If Dems, afraid of Chinese diseases,

do not show up to vote,

while Republicans flock to the the polls even sneezing,

bye-bye Joe Biden — that’s all she wrote.

I propose postponing election

’til we are rid of Chinese infection.

Somebody told me Article II

permits me to do whatever I want to.

I intend to prevent insurrection

with no leftist anarchist avoiding detection.

Blah, blah, blah. So “BLACK LIVES MATTER!”?

Tear gas and flashbangs. See how they scatter,

before my glorious cammo-clad Stasi

and multifarious posses comitati.

908: #PWMCT (or PWUNKED 2020)

MINDBOGGLED (July 26) —

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Those words prove my mental acuity.

I remember them, so all agree

nothing whatever's the matter with me.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Biden, hidin’ down in his cellar . . .

very low-IQ kinda fella.

Not a stable genius like me. 

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
I know nothing of history.

Not even who started the GOP.

(A lot of people say it was me.)

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately . . . education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes . . .

— Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest

888.1: EXTRA! I'll Tell Ya What I'd Do

FROM INSIDE THE LIAR’S LAIR (June 29) —

If Sleepy Joe were smart like me, 

he’d call me “Donnie the Con Man”.

“Don the Con”, when you wanna go short.

A perfect fit. A biting retort.

Suits me to “T”. (It IS my initial).

So, I would say, that makes it official.

And as a clincher to cut through the clatter,

he could say something like, “Trump's Lies Matter!”

№ 862.1: EXTRA! Sunday Best

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Jerry Herman)

FALSE GODS BEFORE (May 23)

Church folk

They don’t think about pandemics

Got ‘em fooled on all my FAKE NEWS Trumpery

And my snake oil companies

Church folk

So I’ll let ‘em have their meetings

If they don’t die they’ll 

vote for me

Naturally

Dressed in their Sunday best

they will not have a care

about ever catching this disease

Their heads filled with incense, lost in prayer,

they’ll take delight in their candlelight

and I’ll beat Joe Biden with ease

Dressed in their Sunday best

if some perchance to die

they’ll be all set to be laid out

their funerals will add numerals

to my burgeoning body count

All I care is that I'm not thrown out

№ 779: What A Re-Bolton Development This Is . . .

WAIT A MINUTE (January 27)

Talk about a bolt from the blue!

Another Never Trump liar!

And after I treated him so very nicely . . .

what a SAD brush-mustachioed guy!

No need at all for Bolton to testify,

I did not do anything wrong.

And if I did it was to show how the Bidens

were the real crooks all along.

The only fair and just outcome is this,

“Disaster” Roberts says, “Case is dismissed.”

№ 754.1: EXTRA! From Rudy's Greatest “Hits”

Rudy Giuliani, a Catholic, says he is ‘more of a Jew’ than George Soros, who survived the Holocaust (Paywall)

Rudolph W. Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer, claimed in an interview that he is “more of a Jew” than Hungarian-born philanthropist George Soros, who survived the Holocaust.

The comment came amid a larger, seemingly boundless interview with New York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi, in which Giuliani reportedly claimed, without evidence, that former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch was “controlled” by Soros. He went on to call Soros, a Jewish billionaire and influential Democratic donor, an “enemy of Israel.”

“He put all four ambassadors there. And he’s employing the FBI agents,” Giuliani said, before continuing the conspiracy-theory-laden diatribe.

“Don’t tell me I’m anti-Semitic if I oppose him. Soros is hardly a Jew. I’m more of a Jew than Soros is,” said Giuliani, who is Roman Catholic. “I probably know more about — he doesn’t go to church, he doesn’t go to religion — synagogue. He doesn’t belong to a synagogue, he doesn’t support Israel, he’s an enemy of Israel. He’s elected eight anarchist DA’s in the United States.”

GONE SOUTH, SPECIFICALLY (December 24)

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II)

I expect everyone of the Dems to make fun
of my loud protestations of fake ev-i-dance
And they'll say I'm naïve as a babe to believe
any fable I hear from some Russian transplants

FOX-ily I'll face them and shout all their doubts away
Boldly I'll sing about Bidens in Kyiv
Endlessly I'll open my fat lying mouth and say
conspiracy is really a Democrat sort of a thing

I'm not ashamed to reveal
the unusually delusional illogical feelings I feel

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
a prime example of pure Jewish joy
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not really a goy
Nor can they say I'm Mafiosi
unlike — excuse me! — Nan-cy Pel-osi
Though I don't speak Yiddish
I am not at all skittish
which proves I'm not a goy
I am vain and insane and I go to Ukraine
to ferret out “facts”
what kind of critic says antisemitic
that is how I relax
I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not really a goy

I'm more Jewish than someone like Soros,
(I sometimes wear dresses, but never play coy)
Though I claim to be de-vout RC,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,
I am not, I am not,

I am not really THAT goy

№ 734.1:EXTRA! You Wanna Impeach A' Me?

Trump claims he'd ‘love’ to have his top aides testify in impeachment probe

The tweets came despite a White House directive for officials to not cooperate.

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Dick Reynolds and Jack Rhodes)

ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS A BUNCH OF LIES (November 26)

I can't wait to face impeachment
although it isn't fair
the way that I've been treated. . .
it musses up my “hair”
If it keeps you damned Dems happy
with subpoenas I'll comply
and when called to testify
my guys, of course, will lie

All your laws and reg-u-la-tions,
they don't mean a thing to me
I can play my “Trump” card
and we get out of jail free
On Deut-sche Bank loan money
I al-ways can rely
They're just as corrupt as me
and they know how to lie

All your laws and reg-u-la-tions,
they don't mean a thing to me
I can play my “Trump” card
and we get out of jail free
It ain't hard defeatin' Dems
I'm jes' Biden time
If “Little” Schiff impeaches 
in the Senate I'll be fine.
If “Little” Schiff impeaches 
in the Senate I will be fine.

№ 728: For What Is A Man Profited, If He Shall Gain The Whole World

Trump personally kept pressure on Ukraine, says impeachment inquiry witness

David Holmes, diplomat at the US embassy in Kiev, says Trump did not ‘give a shit’ about Ukraine and only cared about what would benefit him politically

Email subscribers click here.

THE EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN THE EARS (November 17)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

My story is so great it has to be told
About me every single thing glitters
as if painted gold
I know Congress won't ever convict
for practically any crime
so I'm always fine to slime
anyone any time
I feel a bit ticked

I don't give a shit for Ukraine
Let Kyiv fall I won't care at all,
so what's all this hullabaloo
if I tell Ukraine to go screw 

I said, “Dig dirt on Bidain
and if there ‘is’ the least sniff of a whiff
of cor-rupt il-le-gal-ity, too,
there's money in it for you”

I get a lift every time I see my face on a TIME cover
Each time's it's not, my tummy's a knot, I lie abed
and I blubber

What is the deal with Ukraine
It's far away
and it's Vlad's anyway he told me, so it must be true,
“It DOES NOT  matter to you”
(Это не имеет значения для васa)

№ 710.1: EXTRA The Hunt For Hunter Biden (like father like son)

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 22)

How can I tell Hunter Biden's a crook?

I have a grown son as well.

(Or do I have two? I'll have to look.)

And a son of a crook is as crooked as hell.

So what am I sayin'? Am I bettrayin'

some secret of bein' a dad.

That the son of a crook,

if he goes by the book,

will be as bad as his dad?

Look at me and my father.

I'm a chip off the block.

So Junior and. . .Eric (?). . .

Is anyone shocked?

While there is no indication Joe Biden's a crook,

I cannot believe he'd be a schnook

and not take advantage of his position.

It's what I'd do. A definition

I learned from my dad: you are a goner

if you are honest and behave with honor.

While I do not see any dirt on Joe's nose,

he's been successful. . .I say CASE CLOSED.

№ 687.2: EXTRA! Trump: I'm Just Biden My Time

Trump, Scrutinized Over Interaction With Ukraine, Still Calls for Biden Probe   

The Trump campaign sent supporters an email on Saturday echoing the calls by the president and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to investigate Mr. Biden over widely discredited allegations of impropriety. “What is Joe Biden hiding?” the email read. Mr. Trump in tweets accused Democrats and the media of starting a “Ukraine Witch Hunt.”

SAYITAIN'TSODONNIE (September 22)

Hey, Hunter Biden

wudda ya hidin'?

I know you must be a crook.

I have a fam'bly

and for exam'bly

for crookedness we cooked the book.

My dad was a big shot

(comparatively)

though he never was

as big as me.

I keep his photo

on White House desk.

He's senile and dead,

but I think he's impressed.

And my kids?

Connivers and liars

chips, all, 

off the block.

Had to be. 

Obviously. 

Superior stock.

No one can shame us. . .

Your father's famous,

though not as famous as me.

If he had a show

he'd have ratings SO LOW.

That I can guarantee.

You musta cashed in

and pulled strings to win

seeing' as how you're related to him.

Unless you're a jerk

who actually works.

People like that

drive me berserk.

So stupid. Unwillin'

to make a killin'.

'Fraid someone'll say,

“Him. He's the villain.”

Always deny. Deny and stay calm.

Act like you're in the eye of the storm.

When the dust settles,

when the winds wane,

you point someone out.

“Him you should blame.”

Smirk, pretend innocence,

be free as the breeze.

That is how us

big rats get cheese.

(Roy Cohn always told me

when you're under attack

if what they say is true

hit back and distract.)

Me? I'm as honest as the day is long.

(At the North Pole on Christmas morn.)

Speaking of Christmas

it will be nice

when I am as famous

as Jesus Christ.

There is a man

who knows how to brand

He lives in the desert

but I am more tan

Which, I don't know,

but I would guess

means that I've had

the greater success.