907: For Immediate Release?

Judge orders Michael Cohen's prison release after government ‘retaliation’

Trump’s ex-fixer sued federal prison officials and Barr on Monday, saying he was ordered back because he was writing a book

ANY DAY NOW (July 23) —

What is the point of being emperor

if you can't lock up people arousing your temper?

It is not as if I chopped off his head.

(Though I wouldn't mind if he turned up dead.)

I am sick of books smearing the my family name.

It is not endearing that my loony niece

will not let my dear dead dad Fred rest in peace

because I tried to screw her out of her share.

I gotta sue her. Sooner or later.

After I've dealt with Cohen. THE TRAITOR!

He helped build my facade of legitimacy.

No criminal acts can be tracked back to me.

I am not afraid. Rats do not scare me.

Hire “house painter”? Call Giuliani.

I heard you paint houses. — Jimmy Hoffa

№ 767.2: EXTRA! Light Dawns At THE JOURNAL?

The Fall of Donald Trump’s Fixers (Paywall)

The mogul-turned-president has long relied on loyalists to push the limits in defense of his image, but Roy Cohn, David Pecker and Michael Cohen all wound up out in the cold

For decades, Donald Trump has depended on loyalists to take care of especially sensitive and difficult tasks. . . .including the Red-baiter Roy Cohn, the tabloid publisher David Pecker and the lawyer Michael Cohen. . .They pledged fealty to Mr. Trump and dedicated themselves to shielding him. . . .But Mr. Trump ultimately offered little back in protection or respect.

. . .after Cohn became sick with AIDS in the 1980s, Mr. Trump distanced himself, steering business elsewhere. . . .in 2016, Mr. Trump told friends at Mar-a-Lago, his Florida resort, that after hosting the dying Cohn for dinner there, “I had to spend a fortune to fumigate all the dishes and silverware.”

Mr. Cohen was charged with campaign-finance violations and is serving three years in prison. Mr. Pecker’s company, American Media Inc., admitted breaking the law while doing Mr. Trump’s bidding and reached an agreement with prosecutors to avoid criminal charges.

These operatives were attracted to Mr. Trump’s aura, to the force of the huge personality that led him to the presidency. But when they had fulfilled their missions, they were dispensable.

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REALITY BYTES (January 11)


(with apologies to Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Damn ol’ Don-man

dat Damn ol’ Don-man 

he ain’t nutin’

but a con man

he's jes keeps slitherin’

he keeps on slitherin’ along

He steals millions

he cheats civilians

sumptin’ ‘bout him

seems reptilian

but Damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

His lawyers lie

and go t’ jail

or die of AIDS

his “friends” make bail

The GOP 

still hangs on

purty soon

the country’s gone

We gits weary

o’ his lyin’

even JOURNAL’s

past denyin’

but damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

[updated 1/11/2020 11:56 am to add music credit inadvertently left out]

№ 568: Donald Counting His Blessings

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N.B. At variance with our usual practice, the “lyrics” below are not meant to be — indeed, cannot be — sung to the tune. Intent is to set the mood.

BETWEEN DONALD'S EARS, April 7

I envy everyone who isn't me
because they have me to envy.
What is there to life if life does not test you,
if no one and nothing ever can best you?

I have the best words. And the most bestest money.
I have the best sex. (Ask one of my honeys.)
I have the best lawyers. (Now that Cohen is gone.)
I've had the best wives I could cheat on.

I have the best children. (Except Junior and Eric.)
I have the best followers. (They think I'm hysterical.)
I have the best network, my FOXes and Friends.
(The one in the middle, does she have a boyfriend?)

I eat the the best burgers. I play the best golf.
If I had a reindeer, it would be Rudolph.
(If a reindeer could be Ey-tal-ee-an-ie,
I'd have the best with Rudolph Giuliani.).

I've the best administration ever assembled.
There's never been one that could resemble
my cohort of schemers, liars and freaks,
incompetent relatives, providers of leaks,
these grubby grifters, this fine bunch of crooks
each a backstabber, who'll write a book
saying my White House is one piece of work
calling me an in-CO-herent jerk,
distracted, disorganized, discombobulated,
confused, corrupted, hair corrugated,
only concerned with my orange-y image,
eating junk food, avoiding spinach,
driving the the country to rack and ruin
too Dunning Kruger to know what I'm doing.

That's what your life is if you are me.
Oh, to have someone who I could envy.

№ 541.1: EXTRA! Trumped Up Sworn Statement

Otto Warmbier: Trump defends Kim over US student's death

Mr Trump said: "He tells me he didn't know about it, and I will take him at his word."

Kim says something's so,

so it's true. He's no liar.

Cohen says I'm a crook,

I reply, “Pants on fire!”

Truth I hold

depends upon the venyah.

Forget the facts,

Obama's from Kenya.

[updates 3/1/2019, 10:33 am]
[updated 2/28/2019 2:01 pm]

№ 541: Cohen Testifies (challenge and response)

Six Key Takeaways From the Michael Cohen Hearing

President’s former lawyer sheds light on hush-money payments, WikiLeaks and plan to build a Trump Tower in Moscow during the 2016 campaign

“Every day, most of us knew we were coming in and we were going to lie for him on something,” Mr. Cohen said. “That became the norm.”

This FAKE distinction between truth and lie?

I can't say I get it. (Not that I try.)

I have all the best words which I know appeal.

That's the secret behind The Art Of The Steal DEAL.

№ 540: Michael Cohen's Opening Remarks As He Testifies To Congress

Cohen to Testify That Trump Engaged in Criminal Conduct While in Office

President’s ex-lawyer will tell House committee he witnessed Trump’s ‘lies, racism and cheating,’ role in hush payments, says a person familiar with his plans

“I’m going to let the American people decide exactly who’s telling the truth,” he said.

EXCLUSIVE! Theatrical Cement Company (the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL) has exclusively obtained the following exclusive advance copy of Michael Cohen's opening statement to House committee public hearing looking into whatever House committees look into in lieu of legislating. (God only knows what they do at the closed hearings.)

I am Michael Cohen. I was consigliere

to the boss of La Cosa Trump, 

who I will testify is truly scary
and who believed me his chump.

Mr. Trump does diddle

everyone, everything.

He IS into piddle. . .

that Moscow thing?

I can't say what goes on
in the West Wing.
(Save for the slanders
of Huckabee Sanders.)

I have my suspicions since he was so keen

to dig up some dirt on Charlie Sheen

that he could hold over Martin, Sheen's father,

who he thinks was once president. (Why. DID. I. Bother?)

Mr. Trump lives in a realm of his own.

He's not of this world. Please, E.T., call him home.

№ 486: Non, Je ne regrette rien

Guardian: From fixer to inmate: Michael Cohen reckons with his 'blind loyalty' to Trump

The president’s former right-hand man was tearful as he accepted his three-year sentence: ‘I deserve that pain’

To hear Cohen tell it – breaking down in tears – he was a man undone by loyalty to Trump.

I know this may strike people as odd

but I actually thought Donald was God.

He, to us mortals, seems arbitrary

and being near him can be very scary —

all the demanding and pouting and shouting.

What, I now wonder, kept me from doubting

that he could be the Divinity?

Was it the generous salary,

which he (albeit) reluctantly offered

when I burnt offerings humbly proffered?

Or, in other words

№ 485: A (no longer) Private Transaction

I must tell you fock

there's no law I brock.

Was Cohen (“The Flipper”)

that dealt with the stripper,

if something's illegal,

he takes the heat.

Nothing — heh, heh! — 

can get laid at MY feet.

(When I typed “feet”,

bone spurs were awocken.

It hurts real bad,

so I'm gonna sock 'em.)

As you may be aware

in my legal affairs

I'm always Punch*,
to my lawyer's Judy†.

That's just how it is —

the way I do biz.

I needs me my booty.
Just go ask Rudy.

___________
^*Punch. . .the chief figure in the Punch-and-Judy puppet show. Brutal, vindictive, and deceitful, he is usually at odds with authority. — Encyclopædia Britanica
†Judy. . .brutalized wife of the hunchbacked Punch. — Ibid.

№ 386: Donald's Lament

Guardian: Cohen tape: Trump heard discussing buying rights to Playboy model's story

Lawyer for Cohen says audio, given to CNN, shows client tried to handle payment legally while Trump wanted to pay in cash

(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

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I should have known all along

A boy like you can not fit

in my big league

Can't really handle my pig intrigue

I had a good thing, Cohen

I know I did nothing wrong

But I still need fixers,

a slew of you

I picked you out because

you're a Jew

You got a good gig, Cohen

And though I needed Roy Cohn,

should have known you 

could not be him

Nobody gives me enough

not like Roy did, I

still miss him.

But for a while you were strong

and paid for problems

to go away

and then you ratted me out

but still I say

if you kept your mouth shut, Cohen,

and not said what went on. . .

You had a good gig, Cohen

Cohen

Cohn

№ 368.1: EXTRA! To Flip Or Not Flip (is there a question?)

Guardian: Michael Cohen hints at flipping and says 'first loyalty' is to family – not Trump

Fixer who once said he would ‘take a bullet’ for Trump says: ‘I will not be a punching bag as part of anyone’s defense strategy’

When I said “take a bullet”
I was thinking Nerf gun.
I hear actual bullets
are not much fun.

And even Nerf bullets
make me feel queasy.
I’m very delicate.
I bruise really easy.

I do have experience 

if it comes to flipping.
Fixing Donald’s Big Macs.
(He’s stingy with tipping.)

I put family first!
BUT if offered a pardon. . .
I’ll keep my mouth shut
and tend the Rose Garden.

№ 332: Hocus Focus What Spells Tell Us

Email subscribers click here. (Oh, and you may want to turn volume down.)

Son of Satan

child of God

Trump or Pence

which gets a nod

Mike and Donald

Don and Michael

hereby apply

carbon cycle

evil good

and good evil

bubble double

gold boll weevil

lard of Christie

tongue on Newt

make Rudy's failing
mind acute

Michael Cohen

Kellyanne

broil a

vegetarian
Kilauea 
mass eruption
pales compared to
Trump corruption

Steve Mnuchin

Mike Pompeo

Devin Nunes

trial delay oh

when shall Donald eat again

when Mueller's quest has proved in vain

Big Macs tacos lots and lots

Macbeth too you know was Scots

No. 323: Donnie Swings Porter (so Cohen won't sing?)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)


(Email subscribers click here.)

You'd be so easy to shove

under the bus for crimes I'm guilty of.

You seem so culpable

your convictions are guaranteed to be multiple.

You'd be so easy to frame

if you try to rat me out at my own game.

If you stick by me you may see clemency,

for you'd be, oh, so easy to shove.

Bonus track.

No. 317: File Under?

The Hill: Trump’s former attorney warned him not to trust Cohen: report
One of President Trump's former attorneys said he urged the president not to trust Michael Cohen to fully protect him, and warned that Cohen would eventually cooperate with federal prosecutors.

Chicago Tribune: What Trump doesn't understand about attorney-client privilege (Paywall)
"Attorney Client privilege is now a thing of the past," President Donald Trump tweeted Sunday morning. It was a declaration that came just five days after his earlier claim that the privilege was "dead." He was responding to a raid by FBI agents on the office and hotel room of his longtime attorney, Michael Cohen.



Email subscribers click here.

Back in New York days,

I can remember adoring fawning showered on me.

Michael's eyes would gaze at me so tender

while I was scheming. Now I can see.

If these things come to light

there'll be cause to indict

from stuff in Mike Cohen's files.

Bad stuff that will unfold

with my name stamped in gold.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

Contracts with Playboy bunnies,

old taco bowls,

laundering Russian money.

I have no soul.

Slick schemes outlined in fax

to skip all income tax.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

And when I have at last to cop a plea

I know one man who will stand by me.

Mike Cohen.

And when I'm in the penetentiary

I know who my cellmate will be.

Mike Cohen.

For a jury may convict us

and they'll throw us in a cell

but that will not restrict us saying

Bob Mueller go to hell.

Contracts with Playboy bunnies,

old taco bowls,

laundering Russian money.

I have no soul.

Slick schemes outlined in fax

to skip all income tax.

They'll find in Mike Cohen's files.

No. 314: Hey, Donnie, You Know A “Good” Lawyer?

NYT: Sean Hannity Is Named as Michael Cohen’s Client

Before Mr. Hannity’s name was revealed in the courtroom,...[Cohen's lawyer Stephen] Ryan had argued that the mysterious third client would be “embarrassed” to be identified as a client of Mr. Cohen’s.

Oh, the humanity!

Both Trump and Hannity

are clients of Michael Cohen.

FOX frenzied eruption

about Dem corruption

is next, I predict, where we're goin'.

“Yes, ‘Judge’ Kimba M. Wood

was appointed by Reagan.
(So we can assume
she's no Democrat pagan.)

BUT Bill Clinton wanted to

make her Attorney General.

If that's not a conflict

then facts are ephemeral!

“‘Judge’ Wood's ruling

revealing Sean's name

was unduly cruel,

sad, really a shame.

Have we forgotten Hillary's email?

And you should know this: 
Judge Wood is a female!

Another one of those 
damned femiNAZIs?

While we're on the subject, 
remember Benghazi!

“No one's saying Sean Hannity 
could be embarrassed

because some dumb broad 
that he never “harassed”

may have signed something 
like, maybe, an NDA.

We are certainly NOT saying at FOX 
(happily working for the Murdochs),

that's the only way girls here ever get equal pay.

“Sean just asked about real estate.

Period. Full stop. End of debate.

So, you say, 
‘If that's all, why 

be embarrassed?’

Well. . .Sean is shy.
It should be clear to you
(as it is to me),
this whole thing is
a Liberal conspiracy!”

No. 311.1: EXTRA! Mr. Mueller On Line 1

WaPo: Trump’s allies worry that federal investigators may have seized recordings made by his attorney (Paywall)

Did Michael Cohen,

Trump's consigliere,

tap his own phone?

Trump toadies, be wary,

this could get scary.