№ 865: Gratuitous In Glass Houses

In a first, Twitter adds fact-check warnings to Trump tweets

Trump has never previously faced Twitter sanctions on his account. The husband of a woman who died by accident two decades ago in an office of then-GOP Rep. Joe Scarborough recently demanded that Twitter remove the president’s baseless tweets suggesting that Scarborough, now a fierce Trump critic, killed her. Twitter issued a statement expressing its regret to the husband but so far has taken no action on those tweets.

COMING HOME TO ROOST (May 27) —

Sonia Moskowitz | Getty Images

Happy Daze

When Donnie and Roy were together,

one wonders who was on top?

With two such über alles personas

neither could have said, “STOP!”,

but would have continued their shoddy charades.

(Roy Cohn, they say, did die of AIDS.)

№ 836: Spin Bald Wizard

Trump’s critique of WHO may be a diversion, but it resonates beyond the White House (Paywall)


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(with apologies to Jerome Kern, Otto Harbach, and Oscar Hammerstein II)
LOOK OVER THERE (April 15) —

I learned from an early age, if

you’re threatened by contagion,

divert attention — ever a sure bet

Daddy Fred and my Roy Cohn,

sadly both long dead and gone,

yet I still remain to them in-debt-

ed

WHO 

is responsible

Who?

Me? “Imponsible!”

WHO 

did things, I never would do

WHO 

knew things, I never knew too

WHO 

Cut their funds I say

Who

needs WHO anyway?

Who?

Between me and you

WHO knew

Don't blame me, blame WHO

№ 767.2: EXTRA! Light Dawns At THE JOURNAL?

The Fall of Donald Trump’s Fixers (Paywall)

The mogul-turned-president has long relied on loyalists to push the limits in defense of his image, but Roy Cohn, David Pecker and Michael Cohen all wound up out in the cold

For decades, Donald Trump has depended on loyalists to take care of especially sensitive and difficult tasks. . . .including the Red-baiter Roy Cohn, the tabloid publisher David Pecker and the lawyer Michael Cohen. . .They pledged fealty to Mr. Trump and dedicated themselves to shielding him. . . .But Mr. Trump ultimately offered little back in protection or respect.

. . .after Cohn became sick with AIDS in the 1980s, Mr. Trump distanced himself, steering business elsewhere. . . .in 2016, Mr. Trump told friends at Mar-a-Lago, his Florida resort, that after hosting the dying Cohn for dinner there, “I had to spend a fortune to fumigate all the dishes and silverware.”

Mr. Cohen was charged with campaign-finance violations and is serving three years in prison. Mr. Pecker’s company, American Media Inc., admitted breaking the law while doing Mr. Trump’s bidding and reached an agreement with prosecutors to avoid criminal charges.

These operatives were attracted to Mr. Trump’s aura, to the force of the huge personality that led him to the presidency. But when they had fulfilled their missions, they were dispensable.

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REALITY BYTES (January 11)


(with apologies to Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II)

Damn ol’ Don-man

dat Damn ol’ Don-man 

he ain’t nutin’

but a con man

he's jes keeps slitherin’

he keeps on slitherin’ along

He steals millions

he cheats civilians

sumptin’ ‘bout him

seems reptilian

but Damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

His lawyers lie

and go t’ jail

or die of AIDS

his “friends” make bail

The GOP 

still hangs on

purty soon

the country’s gone

We gits weary

o’ his lyin’

even JOURNAL’s

past denyin’

but damn ol’ Don-man

he jes keeps slitherin’ along

[updated 1/11/2020 11:56 am to add music credit inadvertently left out]

№ 754: High Crimes And Misdemeanors + 1 more

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THE SWAMP (December 23)

(with apologies to Bob Hilliard and Sammy Fain)

It's time for high crimes and misdemeanors
to bring Bad Donnie down
Because his high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

Just take a good look
at Constitution
You know the Senate knows
Don't need no law books,
Trump's pure pollution
while GOPers hold their nose

And McConnell, why so quick to acquit
this third-rate, strictly low-rent clown
whose high crimes and misdemeanors
should get his ass kicked out of town

           *    *    *      ¯\_{ºº}_/¯      *    *    *

THE GHOST OF IMPEACHMENT PAST

WHERE WE ARE NOW (December 23)

President Nixon* was not a crook.
(Though he did do a few crooked things.)
That said, Donnie, despite Evangelicals**, 
ain't gonna “don” angel's wings.

Born corrupt, Donnie became corrupter
as he was taught to and as he sought to.
He found breaking laws a path to abrupt
stashes of cash. That laws can be laughed at
and people be bought off or silenced with NDAs.
If that didn't work, well. . .there were other ways
gleaned from his mentor, Roy Cohn 
(gangster lawyer, mouthpiece and queer***),
to cause a problem to. . .“disappear”.

Roy, like Trump's pal, Rudolph Giuliani,
would do anything for money and Donnie.
———————————
*not a “bad” person
**mostly “bad” people
***did not make him a “bad” person

№ 740: As Truth Serum In Diet Coke Slowly Takes Affect

JUDGMENT DAY (December 3)


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(with apologies to Gilles Thibaut, Jacques Revaux and Paul Anka)

I know I am the best
of that I am dead certain
the truth has set me free
I could have tay-ken Liz from Burton
I am like unto a god
the paths I've trod would form a skyway
All else must be dismissed
there's only my way

Regrets, no not a one
except perhaps those FAKE NEWS liars
I wish I could extract
their finger nails with scalding pliers
It is my dream to hear them scream,
renounce the “facts” to which they'd hold me,
with im-peach-ment thus dismissed,
I would have my way

I learned from Corrupt Cohn, ya gotta keep on goin'
when cornered, double down with never weakness showin'
obfuscate, engender doubt,
that is what it's all about
stall, enthrall, appall
and that is my way

I've lied, I've bribed, I've tried
so many crimes I can't remember
and now my great backside
has subsumed my shrunken member
to think I did all that
and can walk Scot-free away
I say gleefully
I did it my way

For what is TRUMP, a bulging gut,
a balding Dunning Kruger nut,
a lout, a Scottish Kraut
who cares for no one else about,
a trope, a dupe, a dope
I did it my way

Whoops, I should say Vlad's way

№ 732.2: EXTRA! May The Fore Be With You

Trump golf cart rentals have now cost US taxpayers more than half a million dollars

The president spends a lot of time on the links, almost exclusively at his own properties. At the end of October, Trump made his 224th visit to one of his 17 golf courses since assuming office three years ago. On each outing, the Secret Service must follow. And with their golf carts comes a big bill for the American public.

Before he was elected, Trump regularly excoriated former US president Barack Obama for golfing.

Can you believe that,with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf.Worse than Carter

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2014

However, Obama played 333 rounds of golf during his 8-year tenure as president—roughly 1,665 hours—or about 3% of his total time in office. Roughly 61% of his outings took place at golf courses owned and operated by the US military. In a little less than three years, Trump has so far spent nearly 2,200 hours golfing, or roughly 20% of his time in office. He has played all but two rounds at his own private clubs, according to Craig Holman, a government affairs lobbyist at Public Citizen, a DC watchdog group.

 FORE MORE YEARS (November 23)

I make up the rules as I go along.

I got no time to follow 'em.

Legal requirements, laws and that stuff

only apply if you swallow 'em.

Which Roy Cohn and my father (Darth Vader)

taught me never to do.

So I don't and I won't, not now and not later.

(Bring me a Coke from the refrigerator!)

I am bold, I broke the mold,

I am THE ONE who was foretold.

I like to play golf, I like yelling, “FORE!”

And what is more, I cheat on my score,

as I do on my wives (who lead comfortable lives).

Though they may suffer, they thrive — well, survive.

They sign agreements to keep their mouth shut 

and get a great payoff. (Not bad for a slut.)

Maybe I'm “naughty”, maybe I'm “snotty”.
Maybe some say I'm just like John Gotti.
I SAY: in the end there's no crime or sin,
if you get away and pull out a win.

№ 722: Theme From The Legend Of Donnie Trump (a FOX network preview)

 A TCC NEWS EXCLUSIVE! 

NEW YORK (November 7) — THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned of a proposed addition to FOX TV entertainment schedule for 2020, the year of the U.S, presidential election. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY  is the parent company of The Daily Doggerel.

According to our exclusive source who requested anonymity because he is not named John Barron, is “new here” and is not authorized to speak on these matters, The Legend Of Donnie Trump will air seven nights a week on FOX starting January 1, 2020. Each interminable episode will air twice per evening. The same episode will be shown all week.

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Harry Warren)

I'll tell you a story a real true life story,
the tale of low-life from Queens,
who was naturally naughty
and loved all things gaudy
who pos-sessed the most beau-ti-ful genes.

[Chorus:]
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump,
craven, outrageous and old,
flushing the coun-try down the la-va-tor-y
he has no soul to be sold.

He came to Manhattan in order to fatten
his already undeserved purse
by cheating and stealing
and double-dealing
and in general making things worse.

(Chorus)

He rode with Roy Cohn who made easy goin'
for this brash, blond boy from nowhere
who, without interruption, taught him corruption 
and told him that he had great hair.

Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump,
he has no soul to be sold.

Well, he increased his fortune
in disproportion
by gaming the bankruptcy laws.
Tabloids adored him
and women implored him
to muss their clothes with his paws.

(Chorus)
Excuse me for saying, “slime mold”.

[updated 11/8/2019 10:20 am to add music credit]

№ 704: The Illusionist's Game Plan (the method to the madness)

DONNIEWORLD (October 14)

1. Misdirect the masses attention.
2. Play to aggrieved delusions.

3. Accuse opponents of condescension.

Victory's a foregone conclusion.

Now they see it.
Now they don’t.
Now it was never there.

Your hand is too small
to palm pennies or dimes.

Aware of your “hair”,
they can't see your crimes.

You learned from the master,

crooked Roy Cohn,

a totally immoral weasel,

if you entertain ’em —

give 'em a show —

almost anything’s feasible.

They gawk and they gape

and they applaud,

they beg you to never stop it.

They chant your name,

they call you their king.

They never feel
your hand in their pocket.

Whatever you do,

deny doing anything.

YOU HAVE —
AGAIN! —
BEEN DEFAMED!

Followers swallow obvious crap.

They feel exactly the same.

The fight was not fair,

the contest was rigged,

They, too, were denied their due.

Malevolent forces are everywhere. 

They, THE GOOD PEOPLE,

they are with you,

their hero — true, brave and strong.
The PEOPLE'S CHAMPION,

who is never wrong.

A savior to fix unbelievable evil,

undo their defeats, punish the cheats

and free them from feeling enfeebled.

All those opposed
must be corrupt.

And if not shot,
should, at least,
be locked up.

№ 695: What Dad Fred And Lawyer Roy Learned Young Donnie (oh boy, oh boy)

If Donald Trump Does It, It’s Not a Crime (Paywall)

Trump sees the Ukraine call as a “nothing” because he has spent his entire adult life skirting, mocking, ignoring or breaking the law.

Most people, perhaps even most sociopaths, have an internal alarm that goes off when they do something wrong. They may not feel an ounce of guilt, remorse or sorrow, but their instinct for survival is strong enough to send a red alert.

Not so with President Trump. The first question I had after reading the White House reconstruction of the July 25 phone call, in which he prods Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to interfere with an American election, was: How could they release this?

“It turned out to be a nothing call,” Trump said. He also described it as “beautiful” and “perfect” and asked for an apology from his critics.

ANDTHATSTHEWAYITIS (October 1)

“Everything you get away with is legal,”
is what my dad always thought.
Later in life, Roy Cohn taught me,
“There's nothing out there cannot be bought.”

He said, “‘Justice’ is just a market commodity
something you buy and you swap.
You make a ‘deal’ under the table?
These people you deal with. . .they can't call a cop.

“If they threaten to. . .we threaten to sue,
saying we'll show they are more dirty than you
and I recommend they don't really want to.
Irregardless of grudges, I  ‘know’ the judges.
They're in my tank at ‘The Old Favor Bank’.”

[updated 10/2/2019, 1:03 am]

№ 687.2: EXTRA! Trump: I'm Just Biden My Time

Trump, Scrutinized Over Interaction With Ukraine, Still Calls for Biden Probe   

The Trump campaign sent supporters an email on Saturday echoing the calls by the president and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, to investigate Mr. Biden over widely discredited allegations of impropriety. “What is Joe Biden hiding?” the email read. Mr. Trump in tweets accused Democrats and the media of starting a “Ukraine Witch Hunt.”

SAYITAIN'TSODONNIE (September 22)

Hey, Hunter Biden

wudda ya hidin'?

I know you must be a crook.

I have a fam'bly

and for exam'bly

for crookedness we cooked the book.

My dad was a big shot

(comparatively)

though he never was

as big as me.

I keep his photo

on White House desk.

He's senile and dead,

but I think he's impressed.

And my kids?

Connivers and liars

chips, all, 

off the block.

Had to be. 

Obviously. 

Superior stock.

No one can shame us. . .

Your father's famous,

though not as famous as me.

If he had a show

he'd have ratings SO LOW.

That I can guarantee.

You musta cashed in

and pulled strings to win

seeing' as how you're related to him.

Unless you're a jerk

who actually works.

People like that

drive me berserk.

So stupid. Unwillin'

to make a killin'.

'Fraid someone'll say,

“Him. He's the villain.”

Always deny. Deny and stay calm.

Act like you're in the eye of the storm.

When the dust settles,

when the winds wane,

you point someone out.

“Him you should blame.”

Smirk, pretend innocence,

be free as the breeze.

That is how us

big rats get cheese.

(Roy Cohn always told me

when you're under attack

if what they say is true

hit back and distract.)

Me? I'm as honest as the day is long.

(At the North Pole on Christmas morn.)

Speaking of Christmas

it will be nice

when I am as famous

as Jesus Christ.

There is a man

who knows how to brand

He lives in the desert

but I am more tan

Which, I don't know,

but I would guess

means that I've had

the greater success.

№ 679: More Late Night Deep Thoughts From His Giant Bran Flake

TRUMPCITY, Greenland (September 9)

Both my boy, Roy*, and my dad, Fred**,

taught me to get things by stealing.

Of course, with women Roy was no help,

but I have great instincts for feeling 
my way. (And afterwards pay 

off the transient bitches.

I married a few. Three? Or was it two?

I was TOO BIG for their britches. 😜😜😜😜)

At everything else I'm barely third rate,

except (I think) sex. And REAL ESTATE.

Screwing the seller makes me smile and

that's why I gotta buy Greenland. (The island?)

With climate change, I smell BIG profits there.
I got a swell title: TRUMP Greenland Time-share.

It's in U.S. SECURITY interest. (Of course!)

I'll make it a great TRUMP RESORTS golf course.

——————————
*Roy Cohn, Trump mentor and mob lawyer, died of AIDS.
**Fred Trump, father of Donald, suffered from Alzheimer's.

№ 667.1: EXTRA! Whipping The Bosporus (now that IS preposterous)

Trump Lashes Out at China, Sending Markets Falling

Reacting to Beijing’s announcement of more tariffs, president raises U.S. tariffs, says ‘we don’t need China’ and takes fresh aim at Fed’s Jerome Powell

President Trump said he “hereby ordered” U.S. companies doing business in China to explore relocating their operations. . .

DELUSIONAL AS USUAL (August 23)

 I hereby order the sun to shine
 twenty-five hours a day.
 When it refuses, I'll say, “We'll see.”
 I always have it my way.
 I hold my breath until I turn orange
 and mommy says, “Oh dear, oh dear.
 Just you wait 'til your daddy gets home,
 I ken he'll orange your rear.”
 But daddy did not, saying, “Du kleiner Rotz,
 you really do have some style.
 Here, have a million, you little villain.
 I think I'm going senile.”

 Roy Cohn taught me to always attack 
 but not to forget to stop for a snack.
 It makes you hungry — being a jerk.
 I make it look easy, but it is hard work.

№ 602: Donald And Donald, Donald And Donald

Trump Walks Out on Pelosi, Schumer

President rules out infrastructure deal while investigations continue; lawmakers of both parties expect legislation to move ahead

WASHINGTON—President Trump said he wouldn’t work with Democrats while investigations of him continue and abruptly ended a meeting with the party’s leaders Wednesday, casting fresh doubt on a divided Washington’s ability to complete big-ticket legislation in the next 18 months.

TRUMPLAND, May 23

Everything I have ever done,
I have done on my own.
Clearly, I don't need anyone.
I'm taking my ball and going home.

When I was a babe, just a newborn,
I said, “Ma, leave me alone!
Filling my diapie is the best fun.
I'm taking my ball and going home!”

Later in school I made my own rules.
I knew what I was doin'.
If some teacher or kid did not like what I did,
I took my ball and went home.

Then as a teen, I might have been mean
due to testosterone.
When some little flirt would not lift her skirt,
I did it myself and went “home”.

I excelled at college sharing the knowledge
for which my big brain is known.
After four years impressing my “peers”,
I took my degree and went home.

There was a war which I found bor-ing!
but I had some spurs on a bone.
My daddy concocted a note with a doctor,
and the draft board told me, “Go home.”

In Manhattan, I built many businesses.
(Daddy Fred gave me a loan.)
I was god-awful — even unlawful —
and felt completely at home.

I did deals to get rich as a son of a bitch
and learned lotsa stuff off Roy Cohn,
who, by the way, taught me to say,
“Do it my way or go home.”

Speaking of Roy, I was not his goy-boy.
In those things he left me alone.
To this very day I say, “He wasn't gay.
And anyway, my balls were my own.”

With every wife, I married for life.
(Unless she turned into a crone.)
When they got old, I heard they were told,
“Mr. Trump is sending you home.”

I lived in a tower, had plenty of power. . .
but I wanted a throne.
Though hesitant, I became president
making the White House my home.

I do not fancy dealing with Nancy
and hate it when Chuck starts to drone.
And both of 'em stall on building my wall,
so I'm taking my ball. . .going home.

There will come the day my gravestone will say,
“He was not a John Gotti clone.
He caused a panic, being Satanic,
'til the devil welcomed him home.”