891: Donnie As Falstaff Playing Prince Hal (sort of)

BOAR’S HEAD TAVERN (July 1) —

“Peek-a-boo, I see you.”

That’s all this virus is.

If I close my eyes,

real, real tight,

the virus just disappears.

Eliminate tests, eliminate cases.

Eliminate masks covering faces.

Eliminate protests for “Black Lives Matter”.

Eliminate liberal MSDNC chatter.

*Bounty

Eliminate fake Russian Bounty reports.

Eliminate Democrat judges on courts.

Eliminate Nancy. Eliminate Chuck.

Eliminate Fauci and Birx. They both suck.

Eliminate foreigners crossing our borders.

Eliminate sons. (But keep the daughters.)

Eliminate late night TV “comedians”.

Eliminate wives not born Slovenian.

Eliminate Times, eliminate WaPo.

Eliminate all of the FAKE NEWS Gestapo.

Eliminate alphabets that don’t start with “T”,

but please, please, please, don’t eliminate me.

№ 786: A Very Stable Genius Contemplates Next Steps

IMPERIAL PALACE (February 5)

Everyone knows I am so germaphobic,

I don’t ever breathe when near the Potomac,

an Indian river which unlike Liz Warren

has “native” blood — by which I mean foreign,

not North European like you and like me and

not Latin or Asian or even Korean

like dear leader Kim, my nuclear friend,

and Putin and Bibi (he-manly men

like me and President Xi)

and the Turkish guy whose name I forget

and Bolsonaro and the Philippine whosis

and my murdering Prince, MBS,

who Jarred assures me can do Middle East peace

if the price is right and Bibi’s convinced

before he’s convicted, jailed and evicted

from whatever they call their White House.

AND Boris Johnson — Johnson! lovin’ that name —

who’s a bigger liar than I am . . .

My phone call was “perfect”,

no smoking gun, no quid pro quo, 

and as you know Bolton’s a jerk,

an Obama guy who should be locked up

whoever appointed him is bigly corrupt.

And so it's admitted, I am acquitted.

It's finally attested. And now I can have

late night “comics” arrested.

Cancel election.
I am perfection.
(Time for new wife?)

I am forever.
I am for life.

№ 709: Donnie Want Piece Pries (wait'll next year)

 TCCN EXCLUSIVE 

THE GOLD HOUSE (October 21)

THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY NEWS (TCCN) has exclusively learned that announcement of the winner of 2019 Nobel Peace Prize was withheld from U.S. President Donald J. Trump until last evening. President Trump had considered himself the front runner. THEATRICAL CEMENT COMPANY is the parent company of THE DAILY DOGGEREL®.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee, made up of five members appointed by the Norwegian Parliament none of whom are registered Republicans, announced Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali as the winner on October 11. 

According to TCCN's exclusive sources who have requested anonymity because she is not authorized or qualified to speak on such matters or much of anything else really, the president was for several days diverted from watching TV by Secret Service agents placing a number of “bright, shiny objects” throughout the White House and flashing laser beams on them. The First Lady also disclosed that the president was continually provided with extra-strength Diet Coke® during the crisis.

The news embargo was finally shattered when Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) assured Mr. Trump he'd be “a shoe-in next year”. The president, when done blubbering into his blankie, demanded he be told the whole story and was briefed by aides. Slowly.

According to TCCN's exclusive source, Mr. Trump, after being dissuaded by top military advisers from launching preemptive nuclear strikes on Norway and Ethiopia and being advised by in-house consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, there was no one he could sue, sent a “beautiful” congratulatory letter to Mr. Abiy, closing with the admonition “Have a NICE life.”

The Wikipedia entry on Mr. Abiy states he 

is multilingual and speaks Afaan Oromo, Amharic, Tigrinya, and English. He is a fitness aficionado and professes that physical health goes hand in hand with mental health and, as such, he frequents physical and gym activities in Addis Ababa. Abiy is a devout Evangelical Pentecostal Christian of the Full Gospel Believers' Church.

The following tweet, since deleted, was Mr. Trump's only other response.

DONNIEDREAM (October 20)

How can it be with a brain of my size

I did not win the No Bell Peas Pries?

Really?
Some guy from some Africa shit hole
(whose way under me in every FOX poll)?

WHAT (excuse me!) THE FUCK is great about him?
He could never, had he the whim,

vaporize nations with nuclear power

and has not got his name on one fucking tower!

These pries-giving whoevers do not realize

what I might do if I don’t get a pries.
Really!? Obama AND the Daily Lama,
but nothing for me? That could cause trauma.

It'd be great during next year's campaign. . .
my name's announced. . .Dems go insane.
Meantime, jes' sayin', it would be shame
if Africa-guy hopped on a bad Boeing plane. . .

№ 692.5: EXTRA! Donnie And Melanie Splitting?

Email subscribers click here.

(with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

WHITE HOUSE SECOND BEST BED (September 29)

Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's corrupt.
Donnie: Daddy was a Mafiosi?
Melanie: They all say so.
Donnie: No!
Melanie: He's corrupt.

Melanie: Now you're worried.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
They can't touch me.
Melanie: See, you're angry.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
Melanie: Yes, you are.
Donnie: No, I'm not.
I will get off...Stay.
Melanie: I'm leaving.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: You're all nuts.
Donnie: Stay.
Melanie: I have to-
Both: -Go
Melanie: -I know-
Both: Giuliani.

Donnie: Look, you're a very special girl,
Not just overnight.
No, you're a very special girl,
And not because you're bright...
Not just because you're bright.
You're just a very special girl...Stormy!
Melanie: Melanie!
Donnie: Melanie!
Melanie: Thank you.

Donnie: Whatcha thinking?
Melanie: Giuliani.
Donnie: Oh.
Melanie: He's unclean.
Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: I don't want to.
Donnie: Why?
Melanie: It's demeaning.

Donnie: Stay a minute.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: I demand.
Melanie: No, I can't.
Donnie: Who's my lawyer?
Melanie: Giuliani!
Donnie: I am dead.
Melanie: Yes, in bed.
Donnie: Bon voyage.
Melanie: So I'm going.

Donnie: Goodbye.
Melanie: You're angry.
Donnie: No.
Melanie: I've got to.
Donnie: Right.
Melanie: It's the sane thing
Donnie: Go.
Melanie: That's not to say...
That if you pay...
Oh well, I guess, OK.
Donnie: What?
Melanie: I'll stay.
Donnie: But... oh God!

№ 690.3: EXTRA! Climate Change (White House Edition)

ICYHOTPATCH (September 25)

With glaciers melting faster and faster

we're clearly approaching some kind of disaster.

Some day soon we'll find due to heat

the cupboard is bare and we've nothing to eat.

The crops will have wilted (or drowned) in their fields

and Donnie, our King, will say he'll appeal

to the multiple gods with whom he's at odds

to have mercy on some of his worshipful sods.

That is to say after he feasts

on the scavenged carcasses of whatever beasts

are still around. Then he'll go to town

to watch Melanie try on a brand new ball gown.

This is the TRUTH. It is not news fake-ed.

That's the only time he'll get her naked.

This is not only because she's grown cold.

In point of fact, she finds him exceedingly old,

wrinkled and limp, resembling a blimp

and she's truly tired of hearing him whimper

and plead and talk of he need when after Stormy

she thought they'd agreed to end the pretense,

playing husband and wife,

and she 'd be free to get on with her life.

She thought when she signed the non-disclosure

she would not have to suffer this sort of exposure.

№ 680: Bolton The Stable Door After The Whores Half-Clothed

John Bolton Ousted by Trump as National Security Adviser

‘I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions,’ the president said on Twitter, ‘therefore I asked John for his resignation’

...Mr. Bolton offered a different account of his departure, writing: “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, ‘Let’s talk about it tomorrow.’ ”

THE LAND OF OZ, Little Man Behind The Curtain (September 10)

I fired Bolton.

Despite his disputin'.

I fired Bolton.

It wasn't Vlad Putin

who pulled the trigger.

I fired Bolton.

I said, “Good bye, John.

I wish you the best,

enjoy the farm.”

I fired Bolton,

gave him the shove

sent him “upstate”

like dad did with

that puppy I loved.

I fired Bolton.

Told him to go.

Let there be no doubt

who's running this show.

I fired Bolton.

Said, “It's been a laugh

and, by the way,

hate the mustache.”

I fired Bolton.

That is not a felony.

It's a lesson for all. . .

including you, Melanie.

№ 517: The Case Of The Mistweeted Vowel (from the Tweeter-in-chief)

Earnie Grafton/Reuters

Kirstjen Nielsen, the secretary of Homeland Security, visited a 

section of new border fencing in Calexico, Calif., in October. 

A slut wall on the border
is entirely in order.
And I would gaily
visit there daily
to pay my respect
inspect and select
a replacement for Melanie
who does not speak well of me.

№ 499: Donald's New Year Resolutions

In with old

out with the new

suppress the many

play to the few

insist down is up

say the left's never right

tell Nancy and Chuck

“Go fly a kite”

restock the cabinet

with toady yes men

send Legos to border

so Mexicans can

build plastic walls

along Rio Grande

praise be to Kim

kisses for Vlad

tell all our allies

“Me-think-you-bad”

criticize media

call them all fake

excepting FOX

eat chocolate cake

ramble and bluster

tweet lots of lies

play lots of golf

watch out for spies

in the White House

check corners and nooks

last thing you need

more insider books

misbehave always

cause lots of strife

and if there's time

shop for new wife

№ 490: Future News — My Faire Donald Indicted

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Lowe)

Email subscribers click here.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Just some confusion concerning collusion.

Rudy tells me it'll all be fine.

I saw it all on FOX this mornin'.

They said I'm lookin' at hard time.

Mueller's a hard on.

I beg my pardon.

Not to worry it's gonna be just fine.

Melanie, go fetch me

my Diet Coke.

They can't upset me,

whole thing is a joke.

Tho' I got indicted just this mornin'.

They know I'm guilty real big time,

but they can't convict me

or even restrict me.

I swear on my life,

like I cheat on my wife,

the whole damn thing is sure to turn out fine.

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Did Junior back flip? Did Eric jump ship?

Makes no diff, it'll still be fine.

Been watching FOX & Friends all mornin'

Not been a really happy time.

And tho' I'm stable,

I cut the cable.

Maybe there'll only be a fine?

Will all my lyin'

now bring me down?

Will they for screwin'

run me outta town?

I got indicted just this mornin',

although there really was no crime.

Take pity on me.

Don't Roseanne Barr me.

Please say everything. . .

I could be you king. . .

Please, please tell me that I'll be fine.

(Facebook visitors can click here to visit blog for music embed.)

№ 477: "Many can't go there; and many would rather die."

                                    Melania's Handmaiden Xmas                  Nick Pappas/Twitter

With looming red masses of GOP trees

increasing the size of our current unease,

given our present states of distress,
this could be last Xmas in the U.S.

Twenty-nineteen may find us the subjects

of a new nation, The Trump “Republic”

with new Constitution and new Bill of Rights,

making certain it's not only Xmas that's white.

And in the stead of the red, white and blue,
this hideous thing with an orangey hue.

№ 395: A Trump Missile Any

           Couplet For Sale 
   (along with everything else)

though a few presidents did stuff reproachable
Trump is unique thinking facts are negotiable
                       ____________

        Divorces Point Of Odor

If Trump (as he insists) is “very smart”
would some FOX Trumpette care to impart
to us, the unwashed, precisely the part
that WE do not get of “until death do you part”?
                       ____________

             N'Import Quoi

What'll be the import
of the conviction
of Paul Manafort?
Will FOX report it?
Will they distort it?
If they don't will Trump have
the Murdochs deported?

Given Trump family lack of morality,
I expect ever more criminality.
Will Trump the Father, at last, lose his grip
when Trump the Son chooses to flip?
                       ____________

     Love, Honor AND OBEY!

“Hey, Melania! Really, come on!
DON'T contradict me about LeBron!
Sweetheart, pussy cat, baby, wassup?
Don't tell me you never read the pre-nup!”
                       ____________

              Trump Doctrine

Unless, pretty quick, I get my way

I guarantee it'll be “Bombs away!”

EVERYONE do what I tell you to:

Iran, Venezuela, Korea, Mexico, too.

Canada, Japan, China and the E. U.

My way or die with no disputin'.

I gotta do this to impress Vlad Putin.

No. LXXIII: Handshake

The President, our chief who commands,
has he a problem with shaking hands?
He grabs, he pulls, he pumps, he shakes,
as if he'd hold on until something breaks.
It looks ever so odd, it makes people scoff
is that why Melania brushes him off?