№ 840: Keep 'Em Out, Immigration Man

DETACHED DOTARD AND DISTRACTION (April 21) —

In light of the attack from the Invisible Enemy, as well as the need to protect the jobs of our GREAT American Citizens, I will be signing an Executive Order to temporarily suspend immigration into the United States!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 21, 2020

I sign whatever I find on my desk.

(Unless, of course, it's a check.)

Proclamations, orders — whatever — decrees

promulgating the end of disease.

For my GREAT July Fourth Celebration,

I'll add my name to the Declaration

of Independence. (Larger than Lincoln’s.)

As ink sinks into cracks and crevasses,

my supporters applaud and laugh off their asses.

This, all agree, is my GREAT attraction:

I screw things up, then I make a distraction.

Trevor Dodd

№ 829: Jared (an appreciation)

THE BEAST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS (April 6) —

JARED IS a super hero.

He gave us Middle East peace.

Any ability he doesn't “own”,

you may be sure he can borrow or lease.

Remember how he solved infrastructure

and never dirtied his hands?

How he simplified government structure,

doing away with all legal demands?

Jared rules the Department of Justice,

though he is not a lawyer.

Jared can stick his nose anywhere

because he married the boss's daughter.

Jared fixed the NAFTA imbalance,

so now trade with Mexico's fair.

(Even though nothing much changed,

but, happily, Donnie remains unaware.)

Jared (totally) froze Christie out

of the administration

to which all America applauded as one

so show their appreciation.

Jared is in charge of THE WALL

and overall immigrant policy

even though — how can I put it? —-

his history is rather  George Wallacey.

Jared is, by far, Donnie's favorite.

After all, Ivanka's a girl.

To be fair, compared to Eric and Junior,

Jared seems like a pearl.

Jared will cure coronavirus.

This will assure that the Trump empire is

in perfect position for reelection.

(Ignoring US's Greatest Depression.)

Jared is brilliant, forthright, and brave.

What might he accomplish once he starts to shave?

№ 742: Eurocentric Euroskeptic (best use for humans)

SOMEDAY SOON (December 5)

Europeans should not be in Australia,
New Zealand or anywhere near.
Nor should we have ever been 
permitted to settle this hemisphere.
We must return to ancestral lands,
where we belong, where we came from,
not North or Central or South America,
and certainly not the Caribbean.
We “Europeans” must go back to Africa
from whence all Homo Saps. came,
along with other invasive degraders, 
who are too many to bother to name.
This belief, in brief, is my thesis:
Sapiens being a destructive species,
no place on Earth would feel bereft
if all of us simply got up and left.
Our withdrawal and/or retirement
would, in short order, restore the environment.
Even in Africa, which would defeat us —
what with all the things there ready to eat us.
Lions, crocs, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas
would quickly come to prefer us to zebras.
Feeble prey, we'd be eagerly sought —
tasty, safely and easily caught.

№ 739: Convention '68 Revisited (a sort of dialogue with no listeners)

Email subscribers click here.

END TIMES (December 2)

(with apologies to Graham Nash)

[The Left]
We are in an awful mess,
we are stuck deep in the muck.
We should change some things in DC for a start.
Evict the White House resident whose tweets daily run amok,
who, des-pite flamboyant boasting, is not really ALL that smart.
We could change the world, rearrange the world
It's dying — oh, forget it. . .

[The Right]
Pol-i-tish-an Christians with our hair big time on fire,

we have sold our souls for this Devil's spawn.

We be-lieve Sweet Jesus gifted us this hab-it-u'l liar

who struts and frets and mumbles while waddling on the lawn.

He will change the world, rearrange the world 

His lying — he ignores “Constitution”.

His lying — Hallelujah Te Deum.

His lying — there's profit in pollution.

His lying — rules and regulations, who needs them; 
we don't want Al Gore.

Corporations must be free, that's what John Roberts wrote.

We must keep low-caste, non-Christians in their place.

While poisoning the oceans, by con-trol-ing who can vote,

we will end abortion and gay marriage with God's grace.

We are changing the world, rearranging the world

To suit us — it's our own justice

To suit us — it's our own freedom

To suit us — so what the planet is dying

It suits us —  immigrants, we don't need them; 
bar the border door.

[The Center]

UNLESS

№ 672: Citizens Trumped

Trump administration ends automatic citizenship for some children of military, federal workers born abroad (Paywall)

Children born overseas to some American parents serving in the military or working for the federal government may no longer automatically claim U.S. citizenship if their parents had lived in the United States for less than five years, according to a new federal policy issued Wednesday.

THISISMYCOUNTRYLANDOFMYBIRTH (August 29)

You're an American citizen by natural-birth right
if your dad was born here, you're male and you're white.
This, clearly, is what the founders intended.
Had we stuck with their plan, it would have been splendid.

By white we mean north European (non-Finn) —
no Greeks, Spics, Eyeties nor Slavs allowed in.
We have in our country no place for Frenchmen,
Belgians, Balts, Balkans nor those not mentioned.

The Irish might be okay “in service”,
but making them citizens would make us nervous.
And though we really do not like them much,
they surrendered New Amsterdam, so we'll treat the Dutch.

If we made a mistake letting slavery begin,
we also erred when we let Scandinavians in.
Though Nordic women are decidedly dishy,
something 'bout Vikings frankly feels fishy.

Like it on not, we made room for Scots  —
clever inventors. . .albeit crackpots.
The Welsh are fine down in the mines.
We don't “mine” them around if they're underground.

Austrians, though they speak German,
are somewhat Papist, we fear.
As, in fact, are so many Krauts.
However, they brew an awfully good beer.

We remain wary of people Hungarian.
And, if you please, please no Maltese.
(Who, by the way, tend a bit gay.)
It would be nice, if THEY ALL went away.

As for the Jews. . .always bad news.
Too often they win, too seldom they lose.
But, let us add, Zion has our respect.
We'll deal with Israel when they use our deck.

America is currently under attack.
No good erasing Liberty's plaque.
Trump's got the guts heretofore lacking.
He'll send both statue and immigrants packing.

№ 662.1: EXTRA! You've Seen One Coyote. . .

 Trump administration reverses decision to use ‘cyanide bombs’ to kill wild animals

The poison-filled traps are used by the federal government to kill coyotes, foxes and other animals for farmers and ranchers

TRUMPWORLD (August 16)

I don't know about you but I'm horrified

by this waste of perfectly good cyanide,

which caused a fuss about animal slaughter.

Why not use it instead on the Mexican border?

№ 661.2: EXTRA! Undesirable Number 1, Undesirable Number 2

Fox News host compares migrants entering US to Nazis

Todd Starnes of Fox Nation also called migrants a ‘rampaging horde of illegal aliens’ less than two weeks after El Paso attack

ALIENS IN FOX HOLES (August 15)

Who's undesirable alien one?

Fact check suggests Murdoch and Sons.

First to the U.K. then to the U.S.

these Aussie bastards corrupt free press

and the airwaves and go on a spree

criticizing any diversity

allowing accents beyond Australian,

which many consider horribly alien.

And, so, who is undesirable two?

If you guessed the Murdochs, well good for you.

№ 659: The Way We're Knot

TCCN EXCLUSIVE!

Ancient Writing Revealed
BY TUSKER SNARLSON, Special Corresrodent

NEANDERLAND (August 12)

Theatrical Cement Company News (TCCN), the parent company of The Daily Doggerel, has been given exclusive access to an ancient sample of writing discovered in a Neanderland cave known to have been inhabited exclusively by Neanderthals prior to the Homo Sapien invasion.

Dr. Damon Browridge of National Neanderthal University in Neander City, Neanderland who led the discovery team told TCCN exclusively, “This changes everything. It proves the so-called, self-styled ‘people’ of ‘Europe’ have no right to be here.”

What follows is a translation from the ancient Neanderthal text discovered on two woolly mammoth tusks in the cave.

TUSK1:
Neander is Neanderthal land.
Sapiens go back to Africa.
Where you come from is where you belong.
Both you and we will be happier.
Abandon your plan to claim our land and replace us
by sending young males (and all that entails)
to breed with our girls and debase us.

TUSK 2:
If you must roam, leaving your home,
you should leave us alone, maybe head east
and seek to replace Denisovans,
who, though they be our cousins,
THEY breed by the dozens
and at family gatherings disgrace us.
Therefore, perhaps, you Homo Saps.,
being good chaps,
could take them on and you both collapse
leaving all things, both great and small
as God intended, Neanderthal.

№ 643: Send Them Back To Somalia

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

Email subscribers click here.

TRUMP'S AMERICA (July 21)

As I unravel, complain and cavil
about what bothers me,
the more convinced I become
I know what has to be.

I stand with Christians in opposition
to Muslims and Hindus,
who when cornered also admit
they hate non-Israel Jews.

Send them back to Somalia
or wherever they're from.
If you come from some shit hole land,
you can't be an American.

If you mostly speak Spanish,
if Sahara's north of your home,
let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Send them back to Somalia
or wherever they're from.
If you come from some shit hole land,
you can't be an American.

If you mostly speak Spanish,
if Sahara's north of your home,
let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Let me be clear, you don't belong here,
you got a bum steer, you cannot come here.
So swim back home to your shit hole,
you low-down dirty scum.

Go on back, go on back.
Go on back. Before we attack,
you low-down dirty scum!

№ 637.4: EXTRA! Borderline Personality Disorder

‘This is tough stuff’: Pence visits caged, unwashed, overcrowded migrants

• Men say they have been held for 40 days and want to brush teeth
• Vice-president claims migrants are ‘in good shape’
  

NORTHERN MEXICO — aka TEXAS (July 13)

Mike Pence says (densely) they're ‘in good shape’,
though a bit dirty and stinky.
(Latino illegals do not do afternoon tea.
They do not know from raising a pinky.)
Dems, he says, are solely to blame,
ignoring the facts. Still all the same,
although his reasoning is full of holes,
what does it matter? Illegals, we know, do not have souls
and they, therefore, can all be banished,
left, dirty, in cages to languish in Spanish.

St. Peter will someday say gleefully,
«¡Lo siento, Mikey, no perteneces aqui!»

Email subscribers click here.

“Poor Mexico, so far from God, so close to the US.” — Porfirio Diaz (or not)

№ 626: Worthless Thousand Words

Photo of Drowned Migrants Captures Pathos of Those Who Risk It All (Paywall)

The bodies of Óscar Alberto Martínez Ramírez and his 23-month-old daughter, Valeria, were found in the Rio Grande on Monday. Credit Julia Le Duc/Associated Press

IZEENUTING, US (June 26)

Pictures of children

dead on the border

should be unlawful,

they make us feel awful.

Why can't they die

back in the jungle

or in the slum

where they come from?

If I had my wall

thirty feet tall

you'd never have to

see them at all.

[updated 6/27/2019, 1:30 am]
—————————
Tip of the hat to N.I.S. for (sort of) suggesting this subject.

№ 625.1: EXTRA! No Soft Soap (and a blanket denial)

Trump official: detained children do not need soap and blankets – video 

Email subscribers click here.

DISNEYLAND (June 25)

Kids, we all know, love being dirty.

Especially if they are poor.

And if they’re poor

they are totally used

to having to sleep on the floor

which is usually dirt

and therefore concrete

to them must seem a holiday treat.

And as to blankets,

they don’t need those

in summer in Texas

they don’t even need clothes.

Providing tooth paste?

A total waste.

We're talking baby teeth

in the first place.

Food? They need some,

I get your gist.

We do give them gruel

like in Oliver Twist.

Really, good grief,

this “news” is fake.
If we cave on this
next thing they'll want cake!

№ 609: Making America Sad Again (or yes, #MASA)

THE SWAMP, June 3

NOW with the barbarians here at the gate,
NOW is the time, before it's too late,
NOW time to say “You don't belong here”,
NOW time to tell them to disappear.

MANY are criminals, uncouth and unclean
demeaning the meaning of human being.
We the People resist these less than third rate
#MAGA barbarians blocking the gate.

№ 591.1: EXTRA! Race To The Bottom

Trump laughs after audience member suggests shooting migrants – video 

PANHANDLE, May 8

How do we make America great again?

Do what we did back in the day when

everyone said, “Only good Injun's a dead'n”

and it was okay to cheer for the Redskins!

We need to go back to when we were greater,

when we shot first and asked questions later.

If ever.

(Or never.)

[updated 5/9/2019, 6:15 p.m.]

№ 587.2: EXTRA! Allons Enfants, Aux Barricades

French as It’s Now Really Spoken

An American in Paris discovers a language that’s part English, part African, part Arabic—and fully French

Éric Zemmour, a best-selling French writer and political commentator, wrote in Le Figaro last year that the “French language is a masterpiece in peril,” and that linguistic change is “set on destroying, one after the other, our secular institutions of French identity.”

Zet alors! Sacred blur!

Cette travestie cannot occur!

Nous ne permettrons jamais notre sacrée tongue

(ce qui est really vraiment bad latin)

to become une croissant q'un étranger shat on!
(This is how we distinguish
le français from English.)

[updated 5/6/2019, 10:06 p.m.]
[updated 5/5/2019, 10:00 p.m.]
[updated 5/5/2019, 4:48 p.m.]

№ 570.1 EXTRA!: Judge not, Lester B. Judge (a Trump mission statement – or something)

Email subscribers click here.

I don't care you're a judge.

What I say is the law

IS THE LAW.

Nothing you say/do can ever budge me

from my conviction – that might be the wrong word –

that I, though my speech may, at times, sound slurred,

am the one man who knows every watchword

as to how the world works, what countries are turds,

how to get all of my debts (and draft) deferred,

how to avoid any penalties that I've incurred,

how to coerce every woman I've ever preferred,

how to live life complete, undeterred

by decency, honesty or any morality,

principle, religion, but not bestiality –

my business is, as you know, hospitality.

I am the whole package, the total totality.

I may be flawed, but I am a god

like Cæsar or Nero or, my favorite, Caligula –

two hoots for wee boots, three cheers for the figure he

cut in old Rome. (My kind of place, I'd be at home.)

And if you think I'm now prone to temper,

then just you wait until I am Emperor.

FAKE NEWS anchors and late night hosts

will be gladiators or tied to posts

where they'll be attacked by lions and bears.

We'll see how they scream when they get theirs.

All this will be broadcast on FOX TV

sponsored by my friends, Koch Bros. Industries.

Those who survive this kind of toil,

them I will boil in the crudest crude oil

at rallies or dipped in turpentine
they'll be chopped up by wind turbines

or roasted in furnaces fired by coal

which will help reach my energy goal.

Population solution is more pollution,

just like it says in the Constitution.

Which, if I may brag,

I sometimes love

even more than the flag
which one of those days
after I shred it
I may regret
that I never read it.

№ 569.1: EXTRA! Borderline Personality Disorder

Some GOP Lawmakers Express Unease With Trump’s Changes at DHS

I'd advise oldtime GOPers

DO NOT ignore your reasonable fears,

DO NOT say, “It's an honor to serve.”

You need to heed your olfactory nerve.

AND

especially, if you seek job security

DO NOT take a job at Homeland Security

unless you've no shame

and want to take blame

for crackpot distractions

both inhumane and lame

fulsomely praised by

Trump fanboy Hannity

and you wish to cast off

your remaining humanity.

Even Chuck Grassley,

who is Iowa white,

knows what's going on

just isn't right.

It is not with
people we're FULL.

It's we've got a president

who's full of BULL.

№ 564: Europa (the good old days)

Story of most murderous people of all time revealed in ancient DNA (Paywall)

Starting 5000 years ago, the Yamnaya embarked on a violent conquest of Europe. Now genetic analysis tells their tale for the first time

“I’ve become increasingly convinced there must have been a kind of genocide,” says Kristian Kristiansen at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden.

Almost all people of European descent can trace their paternal origins back to inhabitants of the Eurasian steppe....these people, known as the Yamnaya, and their descendants travelled across the continent during the Neolithic replacing locals – particularly the men – as they went.

EUROPE, April 1

DNA studies show Europeans

descended from violent invaders,

who, if these studies be true,

efficiently dispatched indigenous males

from Balkans to Finland,

from Turkey to Wales

to Scotland, Ireland,  

to Spain, Scandinavia. . .
indulging in unpleasant behavior.

Our ancient forefathers accomplished these tasks

before we were Celts or Germans or Basques

or Greeks or Slavs or Renaissance Italians

or any more recent rapacious rapscallions.

Long ago we were already barbarian

well before anyone called himself Aryan.

This is why we are as mean as they come,

being descended of murdering scum.

Our DNA serves as grim testimonial

evidence for our successes colonial,

our need to invade, oppress and displace

anyone living in peace anyplace.

If we're in God's image, without thinking twice,

you've got to conclude God is not very nice.

Though it is true, to give Him his due,

God is not European, God is a Jew.

№ 525: SOTU In Situ

At least on this there is no debate:

the State Of The Union is in a state

unlike anything seen heretofore.

Yes, there was the Civil War

which you would think over and done.

(In the deep South, they think they won.)

Many whose grandparents heard people say,

“Go back where you came from. This is OUR USA!”

are now in the forefront of those who propose

telling Latinos “Via con Dios”

and sending them back to whatever fate

awaits in their native failed state.

This, they say makes America great.

Along with Trumpian alternate facts

and lowering billionaires income tax

destroying the land, the sea, the air.

If there's a profit, who the hell cares?

By supporting all his lies and distortions,

Trump's "Christian" followers support his abortions

of government policy for the environment

which their God set as a requirement

when he explicitly gave them “dominion”.

And that's in their Bible. It's not my opinion.

Trump mentioned his meeting with Dear Chairman Kim,

saying, “He'll lie to me and I will believe him.

He'll say he's scrapped every last missile.

I'll smile and think of Bob Mueller's dismissal

which forever will end the WITCH HUNTS.

I really do hate dealing with C-U-N-T-S!”

No lying Trump speech full of distortion

would be complete without decrying abortion.

Would GOP men still feel the same

if instead of ten seconds they played the nine month game?

There is one thing this speech revealed:

The State Of The Union should be repealed.

Since Trump can't tell the truth, no how, no way,

why force us to listen to what he has to say?

Finished (at last) with Trump's line of crap.

As they say in the movies: Well, that's a wrap.

№ 524: No Wall? ¡No hay problema! (how tweet it is)

3:15 A.M.
If Dems are two stupid too fund my wall,
we never will have safer boarders.
Immigration will be come-one-come-all
if Congress does not follow orders.

3:33 A.M.
Fortunately, a genuis like me
can quickly come up with a nifty Plan B.
Digging carnals both South and North
making us into an island henceforth —
like in Australia and (most of) U.K.
I sing Berder King: have it my way!