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THE IMPERIAL PALACE (February 10)
(with apologies to Phil Ochs)
I could not be drafted. Terrible “bone spurs”,
which, let me tell you, made me sore.
My unfortunate condition was a major imposition.
Otherwise, I would have won the war.
I, myself alone, could have captured Ho Chi Minh,
had him begging, crying, pleading on all fours.
They forced me to stay home because “spurs” were on my bone. . .
otherwise, I would have won the war.
It really was a shame but I was not to blame.
Doctor's letter said, “This boy is lame.”
I cudda had real fun runnin' with a gun
winning medals, battles, and a lot of fame.
My granddad deserted his homeland, Germany,
so he would not have to fight in Prussia's wars,
and my daddy, Fred, had NAZI sympathies.
Otherwise, I would have won the war.
I know more than generals and admirals and the rest
when it all comes down to use of force.
As any will attest, I am always very best,
so, of course, I'd win any war.
As any will attest, I am always very best,
so, of course, I'd win any war.
It really was a shame but I was not to blame.
Doctor's letter said, “This boy is lame.”
I cudda had real fun runnin' with a gun
winning medals, battles, and a lot of fame.
As Supremest Leader I can do what I like:
add my face to Rushmore, settle scores,
tell anyone who bothers me, “You can take a hike!”
And, of course, I can win a war.
Now Democrats are crazy 'cause the market's headed up,
while unemployment's going through the floor.
Even if it's treason, there really is no reason
I can't go out and win a war.
An easy-peasy, tiny little war.