925: WH Complaint Dept.

 THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. 

Senate Panel’s Russia Probe Found Counterintelligence Risks in Trump’s 2016 Campaign (Paywall)

A substantial portion of the report focuses on the connections of onetime Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort with Konstantin Kilimnik, who is officially described for the first time as a Russian intelligence officer, and Russia-aligned oligarchs in Ukraine. Mr. Manafort’s high-level campaign access and willingness to share information with Mr. Kilimnik and others “represented a grave counterintelligence threat,” the report concluded.

The report also states that Mr. Manafort might have been connected to the Russian intelligence operation to hack and leak Democratic emails as part of its broader effort to denigrate Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and support Mr. Trump’s campaign. 

WARNING:
Trump private speech is simulated. Reader caution is advised.

FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DESK: (August 18) —

WHAT THE FUCK, Mitch?

SON OF A BITCH!

How could you let this shit happen?

With S&P hitting new high today

last thing I need is more crappin'

witch hunts from Democrat cunts.

What the fuck is the benefit

of controlling the Senate if it

refuses to cover my ass?

I can't see why you bozos can't lie

as you've been doing en masse

since selling your soul 

to reach your goal

of repealing the twentieth century.

Without me do you think you would be

within reach of complete victory?

924: If Only

 ALTERNATE REALITY (August 17) —

Can you imagine the fuss THEY’d be making

if Hillary Clinton were president?

Covid would surely be “God’s judgment upon

a sinful, God-sneering Washington resident.”

She’d to be blame for all hurricanes.

Those midwestern storms destroying farms?

“God's condemnation of bitchcraft and charms.”

“Donnie come save us”, they’d weep and wail.

But he would not. He’d be in jail.

922: The Suburban Housewife's Guide To Donnie

 THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (August 13) — 

We must never be “nasty” to Donnie.

He is such a sensitive lad.

The teensiest bit of unfair appraisal

makes him incredibly SAD.

We must — all of us! — chant fulsome praises,

sing he's a helluva chap

and, of course, always assure him

contrary opinion is crap.

All that we do must aid and abet him.

If he wishes to grab us, then we must let him.

We must be young, demure, and pretty.

(Unlike the scum from the inner city.)

His sure (though small) hand will forever prevail

and we will live happily in his Handmaid's Tale

to know, love, and serve — dare we say adore? —

his head on a steak atop Mount Rushmore.

921: Donnie V Virus

 HERE ANOW (August 12) —

In this virus has Trump met his match?

It is as mindless as he.

Although it is in far better shape

and would prefer much less publicity.

It does not boast, it does not lie,

nor would it fondle a lady's … “thigh”.

It goes about doing its job.

(And, unlike him, has no ties to the mob.)

It is, let's just say, a great deal more reticent

and it would make a better president.

919: Vaccination Vexing Nation

THE VERY GODS THEMSELVES CONTEND IN VAIN (August 10) —

What if we had vaccines safe and effective

and then our AMERICAN nutjob collective

said, “I am on to your devious plots

to mess with my bodily fluids.

It’s a free country. I know my rights

No way I’m gonna take it!

No way that you can make me!”?

Click

It’s Donnie’s World. He’s Looney Tunes,

saying, “We’ll see. Probably soon.”

918: Off The People, Buy The People, Fore! The People

BEAT THE CLOCK (August 9) —

Donnie “honestly” thinks he’s the good guy.

Which, while incredibly “SAD”[!],

serves to bolster the foregone conclusion

that he’s irredeemably mad.

This isn't simply acute Dunning-Kruger.

(Which, nonetheless, still applies.)

It's Donnie's total lack of awareness

from which all of the problems arise.

“A republic,” said Franklin, “if you can keep it.”

back in the day way back when

the Founding Fathers believed that we would.

Frankly, my dears, I doubt that we can.

916: Donnie Rates Himself Vs The “Competition”

STATE OF CONFUSION (August 5) —

Their's lotsa presidents lots worsen me.

For one there’s Attila the Hun,

who is president (I think) in Hun-gar-y

where I hear no one has fun.

Then there’s DeGaulle whose nose isn’t small.

Someone said he isn’t Jewish.

And Indira Gandhi who rules in India.

They tell me she’s seen as shrewish.

There’s Carlos (maybe Juan?) something in Mexico

and somewhere, south of there, someone named Pedro.

And those guys in Africa . . . who remembers their names?

And some foreign countries are ruled by dames.

New Australia (I think) is one of them.

And maybe Helsinki whose capital’s Poland.

Wherever I look on the world map,

next to me everyone’s crap.

Except Russia. And, of course, Kim.

When I grow up, I wanna be him.

915: An Offer You Can't Refuse

Trump Says U.S. Should Get Slice of TikTok Sale Price (Paywall)

President says he told Microsoft’s Nadella that U.S. should get a cut ‘because we’re making it possible for this deal to happen’

TRUMPINITE SOCIAL CLUB (August 4) —

Dis TikTok ting, yez got goin’ here?

Be a shame if sumthin’ — well, you know . . . happened.

Maybe a fire? Sum broken wires?

Legs ’n thumbs started, I dunno, snappin’?

Wut I cn do is make shure your safe —

it’s kinda like bein’ insured —

jes’ gimme a bitta the cut — off th’ top —

’n all yer troubles are “cured”.

Click

914: Large Graft Warming

DENIAL NATIONAL PARK (August 3) —

The only reason they’re having this hurricane

is to make me look bad.

There’ll be lotsa wind, there’ll be lotsa rain.

Waste of effort. Pathetic. Totally SAD.

My people — wonderful folks — know I am not to blame

for anything bad that ever happens. And they know I am sane.

America’s number one stable genius. The smartest guy in the room.

Who has no need for facts and figures. Or Fauci and Birx presumed doom and gloom.

Who will never panic over some fake pandemic.

(Which is fading, so laugh it off.)

Who will never acknowledge racism’s systemic

and may even ask O. J. to come play some golf.

Who is not afraid of fake climate “science”.

(Global warming’s a Chinese-made myth.)

Who eschews clean air and water compliance.

Who always gets what he wants forthwith.

913: Tweet Storm Warning

NOAA HURRICANE CENTER (August 2) —

If Dems, afraid of Chinese diseases,

do not show up to vote,

while Republicans flock to the the polls even sneezing,

bye-bye Joe Biden — that’s all she wrote.

I propose postponing election

’til we are rid of Chinese infection.

Somebody told me Article II

permits me to do whatever I want to.

I intend to prevent insurrection

with no leftist anarchist avoiding detection.

Blah, blah, blah. So “BLACK LIVES MATTER!”?

Tear gas and flashbangs. See how they scatter,

before my glorious cammo-clad Stasi

and multifarious posses comitati.

912: Prey Ludicrous

PRESENT AND DISCOUNTED FOR (July 30) —

With Trump as president

it makes perfect sense

to speak of the country

in the past tense.

No longer free,

no longer brave,

the land of the fraudulent,

the home of craven

cowards like Donnie,
a U.S. downmarket

Don Giovanni.

“I am THE LAW,

do as I say.

Everyone gotta

gedoutta my way.

I have perfected

this president con.”

(“Mafia” Don)

      That the situation is hopeless should not prevent us from doing our best. 

       — Aldo Leopold

911: The Trump Doctrine (#PWMCT revisited, une aide-mémoire)

THE WAY IT IS (July 29) —

If a PERSON’s a WOMAN

since I’m a real MAN

I will do whatever I can

to get her in CAMERA

where I can hammer her.

Being famous and rich

can aid and abet you.

If you star on TV,

she has to let you.

908: #PWMCT (or PWUNKED 2020)

MINDBOGGLED (July 26) —

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Those words prove my mental acuity.

I remember them, so all agree

nothing whatever's the matter with me.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
Biden, hidin’ down in his cellar . . .

very low-IQ kinda fella.

Not a stable genius like me. 

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.
I know nothing of history.

Not even who started the GOP.

(A lot of people say it was me.)

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately . . . education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes . . .

— Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest

907.2: EXTRA! The Fire This Time

BERLIN-ON-POTOMAC (July 26) —

We must not allow rioters with forceful leaf blowers
to threaten our troops. What's next lawn mowers?
Use maximum force to protect the homeland
before Portland becomes a U.S. Reichstagsbrand.
I don't yet see fire, but I tell you folks,
when I breathe deep, I think I smell smoke.

907.1: EXTRA! Revelation

BIGGER NUMBERS (July 24) —

Donald J. Trump has a very big brain

inside of his great big fat head.

And did I mention his genius penis?

Which all who know him have come to dread.

Nothing about him has ever been sickly

and though his temper can sometimes seem prickly

with Big Mac and Coke he recovers quickly

to as he once was, but without bone spurs.

Person, woman, man, camera, TV.

Donald's decreed His New Trinity.

It's bigger. It's better. It's less contrived.

It is so Donald and three's less than five.