№ 862.1: EXTRA! Sunday Best

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(with apologies to Jerry Herman)

FALSE GODS BEFORE (May 23)

Church folk

They don’t think about pandemics

Got ‘em fooled on all my FAKE NEWS Trumpery

And my snake oil companies

Church folk

So I’ll let ‘em have their meetings

If they don’t die they’ll 

vote for me

Naturally

Dressed in their Sunday best

they will not have a care

about ever catching this disease

Their heads filled with incense, lost in prayer,

they’ll take delight in their candlelight

and I’ll beat Joe Biden with ease

Dressed in their Sunday best

if some perchance to die

they’ll be all set to be laid out

their funerals will add numerals

to my burgeoning body count

All I care is that I'm not thrown out

№ 862: Meditations (mark of a realist)

RECKONING (May 21) —

Marcus Aurelius

Jesus was a Socialist.

Giving out free bread and wine?

And his “business” (Jay's Loaves and Fishes?)

never collecting a nickel or dime?

Had Jesus been an entrepreneur,

charging full freight for his services,

then, perhaps, the Sanhedrin and Romans

would not have gotten nearly as nervous.

Had Jesus been a go-along guy,

rendered Cæsar — completely! — his due,

then, perhaps, Pilate would have ignored

the unfortunate fact of his being . . . a Jew.

His coreligionists could have found common ground,

had he, instead of clearing the temple,

spread a peck of shekels around.

(And been a little less temperamental.)

Had Jesus struck a truce with Zeus — 

that guy the Romans called Jupiter — 

would history have taken a different course,

maybe have been a little less stupider?

Nah. Who am I kidding? What are the odds

that there could ever be peaceable gods?

Gods we created in our own image, 

who therefore exculpate our violentest scrimmages

with winners and losers, with vics and perps.

Exacerbate everything. Give 'em the works!

Slings! Arrows! Outrageous fortune!

Ain't no such a thing as out-of-proportion.

We are who we are. We get what we get.

I find it astounding we ain't over. (Yet.)

№ 861: Why Not Neanderthals?

CONSIDER IT (May 20) —

Neanderthal Museum, Krapina, Croatia  
Photo by Nikola Solic/Reuters

Neanderthals. Were they so super stupid

that they were extincted by us
H. Saps. whose brains, a priori,
were better than theirs? End of the story.

Or were H. Neas. simply less vicious,

more peaceful, more gentle and thus

a breeze to dispatch for superior Saps.?

We do see ourselves as spectacular chaps

in that we can be totally brutal,

a species that deems fair play unfruitful,

whose unstated motto is something akin to:

Do what you have to in order to win.

This attitude, while crude, has its perks.

The first and foremost being it works.

№ 860: Trump Victory Speech #1022

IN HIS MIND'S I (May 19)  —

Today, I come before you to say

I chased China virus away.

As I promised. It vanished. Like magic!

Some people died? Blah, blah, blah, tragic.

Everyone says my soft summer breezes

are great. And they are deadly for virus diseases.

(Except . . . you know, polio —

which was NOT in my portfolio.)

Further good news. It is a fact.

All of the “dead” are Democrat,

foreign-born, or illegal alien.

Nary a Baptist or Episcopalian.

GOPers survived.

I suppose God should be thanked.

Or it could be the Clorox

(on my advice) that you drank?

But credit God.

Not me. I don't care.

Now to dissolve

Medicaid/Medicare.

We don't need either.

Never have, anyway.

Reopen the country

and let us prey.

№ 859: Memo To ALL Staff In Re A Certain Recent Event

THE ROYAL CHAMBER (May 18) — 

This tragedy was unpredictable. Unprecedented.

Although regrettable, a test of our mettle.

It was not our fault, it was those useless humans

clumsily blundering, destroying our mounds.

Always remember, we were here long before them

and still will be when they are no longer around.

So . . . Emergency over. Don't be lazy or shirk.

You soldiers and foragers, get back to work.

All Formicidae resume your routines.

That is an order. God Save The Queen.

[updated 5/19/2020, 12:41 pm]

№ 858: Corona Conspiracy — the plane truth?

Comac C919 — Wikipedia

The Comac C919 is a narrow-body twinjet airliner developed by Chinese aerospace manufacturer Comac....Its first commercial deliveries are expected in 2021...It is intended to compete primarily with the Boeing 737 MAX and Airbus A320neo.

CONSPIRACY CENTRAL  (May 17) —

A FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE!

C919 — Wikipedia. Nose cone virus — Harvard Health.

Co-VID? Co-MAC?

Gotta be one and the same!

Here @FOX we see plots, a lot!

This is NOT a conspiracy “theory”.

Clearly, Obama's DEEP STATE is to blame

for this China campaign to sell planes.

Increase Boeing's crashes, Airbus's collapse —

these wily Chinamen, these slanty-eyed chaps!

To dominate plane sales all ’round the world.

(To make men wear pigtails so we look like girls!)

We can't be too careful, we can never relax.

WHAT IF . . . they plant veggies in Donnie's snacks!

His meat intake decreased, his giant brain boggles.

He tries to walk, he waddles and wobbles.

Babbling garbled tweets through the night,

he says stupid stuff . . . oh, wait. That's right . . .

That's WHO HE IS. That's WHAT HE DOES.

That's why WE LOVE HIM. It is because

his discordant discourse makes us feel GREAT.

And when we feel great, we feel free to hate.

Anyone. Anywhere. Any time. THAT'S the plan.

To reclaim what it is to be an AMERICAN.

Free to believe whatever we choose.

Even la merde “dox” of FOX NEWS