Friday, February 28, 2020

№ 802: Contingency Plan — Whistling Past The Graveyard

WHAT I SAY (February 27) 
Media hype.
“Virus” is FAKE.
It's just a cold
for heaven's sake.

“No virus! says Limbaugh
He's a great guy
who’d never peddle
the least little lie.

No one is sick.
Well, nobody near.
If you show symptoms,
I'm outta here.

If everyone living
contracted this virus,
the fatality rate
would not expire us.

World death rate,
at worst, would equate
to less than half
of United States.

Whole damn thing
does not make sense.
Therefore, I handed it
off to Mike Pence.

Mikey, God bless 'im,
refuses to panic.
He booked a cruise
on the brand-new Titanic.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

№ 801: Way To Go (NOT!)


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(with apologies to Meredith Wilson)

END OF THE LINE (February 26) — 
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
let me say it once again
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
is the man on whom we can depend
if Dems decide political immolation
will stop GOP destroying the nation
I can say without a moment of hesitation
Bernie’s just THE MAN
to fulfill the plan
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
not Bloomberg,
Klobuchar,
Buttigieg,
nor Liz,
nor Joe,
but Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
Bernie Sanders,
a total schmo

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

№ 800: A Lovely Little Virus (a Christian perspective)


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(with apologies to Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane)


WHEREVER GOOD CHRISTIANS CONGREGATE (February 26) 
The world has got this lovely little virus,
lots are gonna die.
But since they're not Christians,
we don't hafta cry.

The world has got this lovely little virus,
we say due to gays.
But, with luck, maybe
it’s the end of days.

Golly-geez, but it's glorious,
Christ victorious.
At last!
Enemies sent to burn hell,
it'll be so swell.
A blast!

Someday soon, when we’re up in heaven,
riding on a cloud,
laughing, we'll see in hell the writhing crowd.
The world has got this lovely little virus now.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

№ 799: Our (New) Gang Comedy

Putin as Russia’s supreme leader? A constitutional rewrite brings out some ‘crazy’ ideas. (Paywall)

How about declaring Putin Russia’s “Supreme Leader”? . . . Perhaps it’s time to work in wording to protect the purity of the Russian language, or elevate Russia’s “civilized identity” or preserve its “cultural patrimony”?

There are calls, backed by Putin, to rule out same sex-marriage and LGBT parental rights in the constitution.


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(with apologies to Lee Adams an music by Charles Strouse)

NO KIDDING (February 25) —
DONNIE
One thing
one little thing
one thing you should know
you must know
I say so
DONNIE, VLAD, XI, KIM, VIKTOR, RODRIGO, RECEP,
NICOLAS, BORIS, BIBI, AND THE EVER GROWING
GANG OF IDIOTS
One thing
And that one thing is me
Yes, the one thing is me
One thing
when I am king
and rule MY country
forever
and ever
Who needs
dem-o-cra-cy?
DONNIE
One day, wait and see,
this is how it’s supposed to be
a strong man telling you
what you can and cannot do
DONNIE AND THE GANG
Some day
when we’re all kings
and rule forever
and ever and ever
One day
That’s the way it will be
That’s the way it will be
KING FOR ETERNITY

Monday, February 24, 2020

№ 798: Conservatives Never Write Protest Songs

REAL WORLD (February 24)
Conservatives never write protest songs.
They don't waste their time
fretting over meter or metaphor.
They listen to neither reason nor rhyme.
Liberals, thinking they're ever so clever,
their heads in the cloud, sing loudly
incessantly, hoping to win hearts and minds.
Their view of reality? Well, never mind.
Liberals can't learn nor will they acknowledge
songs do not win the Electoral College.

Friday, February 21, 2020

№ 797: A Proclamation (from GOP patriarchy)

SHINING CITY OF THE HILL (February 20) 
God is straight, white, male, and Christian.
How could he be otherwise?
Pressed, we'll admit he started out Jewish
AND and hung around with Jewish straight guys
into his thirties. AND never married.
AND never actually worked.
He was a carpenter. NOT in the union.
Unions are strictly for shirkers.
And socialists. Like Sanders.
Who is also a Jew.
But Bernie is not THE SECOND COMING.
He, in our view, is more “# 2”.

Thursday, February 20, 2020

№ 796: Baby Bloomberg Revisited


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(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

REALM OF THE POSSIBLE (February 19) —
We are toast, despite Trump boasts, our future's past
We're in deep because this creep and his sad cast
of toadies, crooks, and Chris-ti-an fascists
to whom he's givin' all they ever wished
There really ain't nothin' more to say
ex-cept it's all over USA


With the nation fallin' deeper into senescence
shrinking in importance and in relevance,
attending closely to discordant tweets
from one who supp-ORTS White men in sheets
Too late for it all to go away
so it's all over now USA


With all those hapless Dem-o-crats, you gotta groan
Plannin' for a win that jes' ain’t gonna come
Promisin' the moon and maybe more,
sayin' if you want, you just ask for,
ignorin' we're fast closin' on doomsday
so it's all over now USA


With no sense Dems there is nothin' we can do
except hope maybe Bloomberg can still break through
though he's not ideal and he's a bore
about as colorful as was Al Gore
but given his opponents, I gotta say
he’s our best shot to make Trump go away

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

№ 795: An Optimistic Assessment

THE WAY IT IS (February 18) —
Optimism* is the root of all evil.
Optimists tend to start wars.
Pessimists, accepting they could face defeat,
do not advance. Though they often retreat.


Optimists think “higher, faster”.
They believe, “It can be done!”
Pessimists ponder, “Four balls? A walk?”
Optimists think, “I'll hit a homerun.


The optimist knows if you can conceive it,
there is no reason you cannot achieve it.
The pessimist reasons existence is cursed;
despite intentions you might make things worse.


Had pessimists “won” we’d be still in the trees,
swinging and free from most modern unease.
To be candid, Candide’s can-do att-i-tude
had to win out. We are so screwed.
——————
*Hitler was the most unabashed doe-eyed optimist of the last hundred years. That’s why he was the biggest monster....[E]very morning, Adolf Hitler woke up, made himself a cup of ​​coffee, and asked himself how to make the world a better place....Mao? Optimist. Stalin? Optimist. Pol Pot? Optimist....[N]o matter where you happen to live or when you happen to be born, when someone rises up and promises that things are going to be better, run. Hide. Pessimists don’t build gas chambers.
— Shalom Auslander, Hope: A Tragedy

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

№ 794.1 EXTRA!: You Get A Pardon And You Get A Pardon And Everyone Gets A Pardon

Trump Grants Clemency to Rod Blagojevich, Bernard Kerik and Michael Milken (Paywall)
The president also pardoned or commuted the sentences of eight others on Tuesday, including Edward DeBartolo, a former owner of the San Francisco 49ers.

END TIMES (February 18) —
If John Wilkes Booth had had a trial,
it would not have been fair.
then, as now, FAKE NEWS with truth
plays fast and loose demanding the noose . . .
I say all's fair in love and warfare.
Booth did what I did with Soleimani,
what Putin does with most anybody,
what MBS did with Khashoggi
what REAL LEADERS do. (Somebody told me.)

Therefore, here, in the Trump White House Garden,
I, hereby and herewith, issue this pardon.
I do this not only because I am considerate,
but also because Booth was a Confederate.
A hero to whom someone should raise a statue.
(To my friends in THE SOUTH, “Right back at you.”)

№ 794: Some Perspective


Are We Living in a Simulated World? (Paywall)

Probably not, but the idea is just crazy enough to be worth taking seriously.


MAYBE (February 17) —
If
ALL THIS is
is a simulation
and nothing 
REALLY
exists,
why care at all about
Donald J. Trump?
(Or any other 
toxic prognosis?)

Why care at all about border walls?
Whether he rises, whether he falls?
Is divinely inspired or devil's spawn?
A beginning, THE ENDor denouement?

Were Donnie to vanish, as if by magic,
if the gods hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete,
if the system rebooted, would it better suit us
if Donnie were turned into dead meat?

Some winners would “lose”,
some losers would “win”
as LIFE requires.
(Even for viruses.)

Monday, February 17, 2020

№ 793: The American Century

HERE AND NOW (February 16) —
Can we accept it's all over?
The American Century’s dead?
That we, the new not so great Britain,
may get disunited in decades ahead?

Can we accept the South won THE war
and, generally, Lee was its hero?
That our unprecedented president’s flaws
show him to be the quintessence of Nero,
that rabid emperor whose total distemper
disrupted first century Rome?
(Without McConnell's friendship with benefits,
Nero (their Donald) was sacked by the Senate.)

Friday, February 14, 2020

№ 792.1: EXTRA! Another Country Heard From

HERE AND NOW (February 14) —
THE DAILY DOGGEREL® without condescension
would like to call this to our reader's attention.

№ 792: All Over, This Land?

REALITY (February 13)
Protest songs never change anything,
no matter how often they’re sung.
(Though they may cause an uptick in hammer sales
or the number of times a bell may be “wrung”.)

Songs, poems, plays . . . op-ed essays?
Tools used by full-of-it fools.
If you want win there are no rules.
No logic nor honor. No ethics nor decency.
You do what you have to with sufficient frequency
to render opponents completely depleted.
Defeated. Downhearted. (Dare I say deleted*?)
Reality, withal it's annoying restriction,
assures virtue triumphs solely in fiction.

*I think it was Alan King who once quipped, “Do unto others and do it quick, before they do unto you.”

Thursday, February 13, 2020

№ 791: Crook V. Schnook

PLEASE NO (February 12)
If Republicans picked Trump’s ideal opponent,
it would certainly be Bernie Sanders
who is — far and away! — the most loathed by voters
to whom — today! — the GOP panders:
a wooly-thinking Socialist schlump
(who even supporters see as a grump)
who'll guarantee GOP won't sit on their rump
but get out and vote and reelect Trump.

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

№ 790: Coronavirus


Coronavirus ‘could infect 60% of global population if unchecked’

Exclusive: Public health epidemiologist says other countries should consider adopting China-style containment measures


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QUARANTINE (February 11)

(with apologies to Alec Wilder, Morty Palitz, and Bill Engvick)

Plagues are made to kill off excess
populations who don't aggress
suf-fic-ient-ly, who breed too fast,
who want a broom, whose time is past.

If this virus can knock us off
not with a Big Bang, but a cough,
it's not the birth of peace on Earth.
We will not be missed, nonetheless.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

№ 789.1: EXTRA! Iowa And New Hampshire



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CONCORD AND HARMONY (February 11)


(with apologies Stephen Stills)


Clueless, but “caring”, 
the Democrats caucused in I-o-wa,
(for Dems not where IT is at)
Foolishly asking white, midwest, fake farmers
to jump start their bound-to-lose tick-it
Only to trip on their lousy tech guys.


Quickly unrav’ling,
recounting and cav’lling o-ver
which loser won the vote.
Heedlessly heading toward Trump’s reelection
and making their chances more remote
because
HELLO!


there was no person
in the run-ning
who, come November,
Trump would not smother.


On to New Hampshire, a nearly as bad state for liberals,
(and everybody else),
where just because it is next to his home state, 
Bernie, likely, would do well.
No joking.
HELLO!


There is no person
on the ballot
who, come November,
Trump will not smother.