№ 732.2: EXTRA! May The Fore Be With You

Trump golf cart rentals have now cost US taxpayers more than half a million dollars

The president spends a lot of time on the links, almost exclusively at his own properties. At the end of October, Trump made his 224th visit to one of his 17 golf courses since assuming office three years ago. On each outing, the Secret Service must follow. And with their golf carts comes a big bill for the American public.

Before he was elected, Trump regularly excoriated former US president Barack Obama for golfing.

Can you believe that,with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf.Worse than Carter

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2014

However, Obama played 333 rounds of golf during his 8-year tenure as president—roughly 1,665 hours—or about 3% of his total time in office. Roughly 61% of his outings took place at golf courses owned and operated by the US military. In a little less than three years, Trump has so far spent nearly 2,200 hours golfing, or roughly 20% of his time in office. He has played all but two rounds at his own private clubs, according to Craig Holman, a government affairs lobbyist at Public Citizen, a DC watchdog group.

 FORE MORE YEARS (November 23)

I make up the rules as I go along.

I got no time to follow 'em.

Legal requirements, laws and that stuff

only apply if you swallow 'em.

Which Roy Cohn and my father (Darth Vader)

taught me never to do.

So I don't and I won't, not now and not later.

(Bring me a Coke from the refrigerator!)

I am bold, I broke the mold,

I am THE ONE who was foretold.

I like to play golf, I like yelling, “FORE!”

And what is more, I cheat on my score,

as I do on my wives (who lead comfortable lives).

Though they may suffer, they thrive — well, survive.

They sign agreements to keep their mouth shut 

and get a great payoff. (Not bad for a slut.)

Maybe I'm “naughty”, maybe I'm “snotty”.
Maybe some say I'm just like John Gotti.
I SAY: in the end there's no crime or sin,
if you get away and pull out a win.

№ 732.1: EXTRA! Xi Plays Hard, Plays Trump Card?

Trump Says He’s ‘Standing’ With Xi (and With Hong Kong’s Protesters) (Paywall)

In a Fox News interview, the president called the Chinese president “a friend” and suggested he might not sign a tough human rights bill to secure a trade pact with China. 

Email subscribers click here.

THE NINNY WITH THE FRINGE ON THE TOP (November 22)

(with apologies to Bob Merrill)

№ 732: Donnie Muses What The News Is All About The Country Snoozes

Email subscribers click here.

STOOPING EVER LOWER (November 21)

(with apologies to Hoagy Carmichael and Frank Loesser)

Quid quo pro, is all that I demand
Quid quo pro, a bit of underhand
Sadly,
it seems this time I'm caught
so I guess it was all for naught 

Quid pro quo, is it too much to ask
After all, they said Z “loved my ass”
Badly,
we tried to rig a deal
and then some whistleblower squealed

Oh! how I found it thrill-ing, oh so thrill-ing,
like Playboy whores I once loved “drill-ing”

Now I fear what Little Schiff'll do
if Pence flips (and maybe Rudy, too!)
Vlad. . .he's 
gonna be upset
You ain't seen nothing yet

Oh! how I found it thrill-ing, oh so thrill-ing,
like Playboy whores I once loved “drill-ing”

Now I fear what Little Schiff'll do
if Pence flips (and maybe Rudy, too!)
Vlad. . .he's 
gonna be upset
You ain't seen nothing yet
Oh no!
Quid quo pro

№ 731: The Base Speaks Up

AGINCOURT (November 21)

Donnie's not guilty. (As we perceive it.)
We are in pain, he helps relieve it.

We have a goal, with him we'll achieve it.

He's doing God's bidding. We really believe it.

Truth is a lie. (As we conceive it.)

Once more undo impeach, dear friends, once more.
O! build THE WALL with Mexicans dead.
Impeach? There's nothing to undo a man
of Donnie's modest humility!
But when the blasted Dems blow in our ears,
they denigrate the action of our liar.
Cialis your sinners! Summon Aryan blood!
Dispise fair nature with shirt-sleevèd rage.
Then lend our neighs a terrible aspect.
Let's pry through the porridge of his head.
Like Steve Bannon, let the brow o'erwhelm it
as fearfully as doth an undarn-èd sock
mock the base's wiggled toes.
O'er swill with plastics wild and wasteful oceans.
Upset the truth and stretch sense wide,
hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
to Morrison height. On, on, you damn-èd GOP,
whose blood is fet from bone spurs war-proof!
Bone spurs that, like so many Alexanders
Department Stores in these parts close-èd
and shuttered, their parking lots empty pavement.
Dishonour all your mothers and now attest
those whom you call'd fathers did regret you.
Be sloppy now you men of grossest blood,
and learn again to whore. And 'pon our showman,
whose spurs did prevent just service, let us 
settle our disaster. Let us wear
hat #MAGA, worthy, unheeding, which I doubt not.
For there is none of us, I mean our base,
that hath not Nobel lustre in our lies.
I see you stand like old whores in their slips,
straining not to fart. The game's afoot:
follow your spirit, and upon this charge
cry ‘Gor blesh the Untie-èd Schtatez and Saint Don!’

№ 730: Onward Christian Schultzes (or waving the GOP Banner)

“I hear nutzing, I zee nutzing, I KNOW NUTZING!”
— Sgt. Schultz

MATTERS OF FACTS (November 19)

Donald J. Trump may be corrupt.
So what? That's yesterday's news.
He appoints judges — this is IMPORTANT! —
judges who hold Christian views
on marriage, abortion,
taxes, guns, re-apportionment, 
sex, segregation and women,
who, furthermore, can not find a flaw
in laws permitting discrimin-
ation against all of the “THEM”
who are not (and can't be) American.

Conquer he must,
though his cause is lust.
Nevertheless, 
in Trump we trust.

№ 729: Très Bonne Santé

Trump touts his ‘very’ good health after unscheduled medical check

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump said on Sunday he was in “very good” health after undergoing the first phase of an annual medical check the previous day.

The president’s unexpected and unscheduled trip to the medical center triggered questions on social media since it came months before the annual physical has been carried out in the past.

WISHFUL UNTHINKING (November 18)

Donnie said he's in “very good” health.
That is good — and bad! — to hear.
He did not say “perfect” (his favorite word),
so, in effect, he said “I'm sick.” Oh dear!

On the plus side, he might step down.
On the minus, Pence is the more dangerous clown
who Donnie's damage will not surcease
and, in all likelihood, will strive to increase
making us “perfect”, i.e. male, white and Christian.
Frozen forever in his mission'ry position,
down on his knees as he prays every day,
Mikey'll keep rising seas forever at bay.

We, the unsaved, though living in fear,
can take comfort knowing Mikey's sincere
and believes beliefs obsolescent 
fulfill the will of Divine Providence.
(Our “soul” recompense for Trump and Pence.)

№ 728: For What Is A Man Profited, If He Shall Gain The Whole World

Trump personally kept pressure on Ukraine, says impeachment inquiry witness

David Holmes, diplomat at the US embassy in Kiev, says Trump did not ‘give a shit’ about Ukraine and only cared about what would benefit him politically

Email subscribers click here.

THE EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN THE EARS (November 17)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

My story is so great it has to be told
About me every single thing glitters
as if painted gold
I know Congress won't ever convict
for practically any crime
so I'm always fine to slime
anyone any time
I feel a bit ticked

I don't give a shit for Ukraine
Let Kyiv fall I won't care at all,
so what's all this hullabaloo
if I tell Ukraine to go screw 

I said, “Dig dirt on Bidain
and if there ‘is’ the least sniff of a whiff
of cor-rupt il-le-gal-ity, too,
there's money in it for you”

I get a lift every time I see my face on a TIME cover
Each time's it's not, my tummy's a knot, I lie abed
and I blubber

What is the deal with Ukraine
It's far away
and it's Vlad's anyway he told me, so it must be true,
“It DOES NOT  matter to you”
(Это не имеет значения для васa)