Friday, September 13, 2019

№ 682.2: EXTRA! Through The Wormhole(s)

The marriage of Rudolph and Judith Giuliani is coming to an end, and despite a judge’s urging, the wreckage is being laid bare for all to see.

JUSTDESSERTS (Friday the 13th)

Would it, I wonder, be horribly rude if
I were to rhyme in re Rudolph and Judith?
Rudy, now free from defending Donnie,
has his own problem. Sing “Hey, Nonny-nonny.”

Donnie and Rudy are both never wrong
which, I will grant, is the boringest song.
Still, I confess, I find no little glee
watching worms squirm. Sing “Fiddle-dee-dee!”

[updated 9/14/2019 1:42 pm]
[updated 9/12/2019 6:05 pm]

№ 682.1: EXTRA! A Light Bulb Lit O'er An Orangy Head (introducing America's new color god)

  • President says energy-efficient bulbs do him no favours
  • ‘The light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you!’
WISHYWASHYFULTHINKING (Septermber 13)

Only I could this problem solve.
It isn't me, it's the “efficient” bulb.
I, by myself, brought the problem to light.
I am not orange. I'm lily WHITE.
As you can see by the glow of my halo.
Which isn't odd. I am a god.
Which is, in turn, why all adore me.
And why I will tolerate no one before me.
Even though I cannot spell any
names of my wives, like whats'er name. . .Melanie?

[updated 9/13/2019 3:24 pm]

№ 682: Patriot Games (a fan's perspective)

BOSSTOWN, MA (September 12)

Here's to Tom Brady.
(PBUH).
Who cares that he cheats,
so long as we win.

Let others follow
rules to the letter.
(Which they don't,
but so what?)
Brady cheats better
than anyone ever playing the game
up to when he got caught.
And that was a frame up.

Some lowly flunkies
deflate a football
and Brady's the kingpin
of a crooked cabal?

New England's winning.



for sinning.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

№ 681.1: EXTRA! Implausible Denial (how tweet it is)

Israel accused of planting mysterious spy devices near the White House

The likely Israeli spying efforts were uncovered during the Trump presidency, several former top U.S. officials said.
Based on a detailed forensic analysis, the FBI and other agencies working on the case felt confident that Israeli agents had placed the devices, according to the former officials, several of whom served in top intelligence and national security posts.

JERUSALEM-ON-DON (September 12)

Oh, come on, Politico, stop being silly
I would not plant such stuff in DC.
Why would I have to? There is no need.
Donnie's been pre-approved by Vlad and me.

And, besides, you and I know
spying on allies is fraught.
I promise to never to do it again
every time I get caught.


№ 681: Fool Britannia!

French was the mother tongue of every English king from William the Conqueror (1066–1087) until Henry IV (1399–1413). Henry IV was the first to take the oath in English, and his son, Henry V (1413–1422), was the first to write in English. Anglo-Norman language”, Wikipedia

DOWNTHEBREXITWHOLE (September 11)

From William I to Henry IV
when at the Royal Court you were called for,
to understand what your king had to say
the language you spoke would be français.
NOT Shakespearean English iambic pentameter!
(Nobody ever spoke in that manner.)
In those days (please pardon the stench),
the “King's English” was Norman-Old French.

Later, of course, came those George's in ermine
who, in fact, mostly spoke German.
Still later, the Stuarts ascended the throne.
They, being Scots, spoke a language unknown.

Moral:
Dear Boris,
You should be ashamed.
“Boris”? 
How's that
A GOOD ENGLISH NAME?

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

№ 680: Bolton The Stable Door After The Whores Half-Clothed

John Bolton Ousted by Trump as National Security Adviser

‘I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions,’ the president said on Twitter, ‘therefore I asked John for his resignation’

...Mr. Bolton offered a different account of his departure, writing: “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, ‘Let’s talk about it tomorrow.’ ”

THE LAND OF OZ, Little Man Behind The Curtain (September 10)



I fired Bolton.
Despite his disputin'.
I fired Bolton.
It wasn't Vlad Putin
who pulled the trigger.
I fired Bolton.
I said, “Good bye, John.
I wish you the best,
enjoy the farm.”
I fired Bolton,
gave him the shove
sent him “upstate”
like dad did with
that puppy I loved.
I fired Bolton.
Told him to go.
Let there be no doubt
who's running this show.
I fired Bolton.
Said, “It's been a laugh
and, by the way,
hate the mustache.”
I fired Bolton.
That is not a felony.
It's a lesson for all. . .
including you, Melanie.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

№ 679: More Late Night Deep Thoughts From His Giant Bran Flake

TRUMPCITY, Greenland (September 9)




Both my boy, Roy*, and my dad, Fred**,
taught me to get things by stealing.
Of course, with women Roy was no help,
but I have great instincts for feeling 
my way. (And afterwards pay 
off the transient bitches.
I married a few. Three? Or was it two?
I was TOO BIG for their britches. 😜😜😜😜)

At everything else I'm barely third rate,
except (I think) sex. And REAL ESTATE.
Screwing the seller makes me smile and
that's why I gotta buy Greenland. (The island?)
With climate change, I smell BIG profits there.
I got a swell title: TRUMP Greenland Time-share.
It's in U.S. SECURITY interest. (Of course!)
I'll make it a great TRUMP RESORTS golf course.
——————————
*Roy Cohn, Trump mentor and mob lawyer, died of AIDS.
**Fred Trump, father of Donald, suffered from Alzheimer's.

Monday, September 9, 2019

№ 678: Mr. Trump's Neighbor Hoods

Trump Cancels Peace Talks With Taliban Leaders and Afghan President

President tweets that secret meeting at Camp David is off after a Taliban bomb attack in Kabul



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DEPARTMENT OF WISHFUL THINKING (September 8)

(with apologies to Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick)

I shall meet with Afghan Taliban 
E-ven-tu-al-ly
When things are calm
and they promise to not bring a bomb
since there's nothing I really stand for
I'll say “Yes” and I'll roll on the floor

I'll be quiet and meek
Kiss the ring of whatever sheikh
I'm great with whores
but not so with wars
I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban
Just ask me

Afghan women repress
I don't care I don't wear a dress
I kinda like
a gal in distress
I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban

I know they'll like me
with tyrants liking me is likely
so I'll withdraw all troops and be on my way
I do not care if there's the devil to pay

No more having to moan
about fighting in foreign lands
Why should I care
for Afghanistan
I do not have any golf courses there
I am not wary
I'll meet with Afghan Taliban

It's my pres-id-en-cy
I will do as I choose
No Congress, no courts
I never lose
I'm gonna meet with Afghan Taliban

If they ignore me
I'll still have Kim who just adores me
He'll sell them missiles but I still won't attack
People like me invite a knife in the back

FAKE NEWS papers take note
Here's a statement that you'll misquote
If your real world
is all in your head
sooner than late you get real people dead
I'm very scary
I'll meet with Afghan Taliban