№ 747: Like Father Like Son (times two)

Donald Trump Jr killed rare endangered sheep in Mongolia with special permit

• Permit issued after meeting with country’s president
• Argali sheep considered national treasure in Mongolia

On a hunting trip to Mongolia earlier this summer the US president’s son Donald Trump Jr killed a rare species of endangered sheep. A permit for the killing was retroactively issued after Trump met with the country’s president...

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THE ENTITLED TOWER (December 12)

(with apologies to Cole Porter)

I shoot sheep in the night

with a high powered rifle

With my laser sight

I ex-e-cute my kill

I shoot sheep in the night,
though the species's endangered
and I don't have a permit
it's such a thrill

For I am junior to Donald Trump
Good behavior, is just for chumps
Whate'er we choose to do, that is our right
Though my dad's getting dim, people still worship him 
and I thrill to kill in the night*
—————————
*Cf.  Church of England's Common Worship:
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, have mercy on us.
     Lamb of God, you take away the sin of the world, grant us peace.

№ 746: Britain Goes To The Dogs, Er, Polls

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LAND'S END (December 11)

(with apologies to E. Y. Harburg and Jay Gorney)

Boris says we are cream of the crop
and are not Euro yobs,
while Corbyn tells us put him on top,
fire capitalists and the nobs

Both parties offer ice cream and cake
saying they know THE way ahead
but whichever comes out on top
England will likely drop dead

Remember when we carried Thomas Cook
Travellers Cheques all world-round?
Today sterling begets bewildered looks, 
there's no one left respects the pound

Yesterday Britannia ruled the waves,
people found the pound sound
Tomorrow we'll be burning notes in caves
when no one will accept the pound

Now it seems as though England's under a spell
and will only further decline
And though it's deserved, it still hurts like hell
Our sun set, it doesn't shine

We can all remember when Frogs and Wogs
and Huns and Micks all bowed down
Today Kaffirs write award-winning books
but reject the prize when it's in pounds

№ 745.3: EXTRA! Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Donnie?

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MALEFICENT  REGRESSION (December 11)

(with apologies to Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)

Fe fe fi fi 
He's so dumb
He cannot walk
while he's chewing gum
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually)
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

He lies and he cheats, 
that's that's how it is
Moscow prostitutes
he watches while they whiz*
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who's always tweeting his defeats?
Who's always dampening his sheets?
Whose “berders” cause all those repeats?
Guess who? “Who, me?” Yeah, you!

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”

Who COL-ludes with Putin?
Who bribes Ukraine?
Who's all obsessed  
with toilets and with rain?
Donnie Trump, Donnie Trump
What a chump, that Donnie Trump
He's gonna get caught 
(we hope — eventually) 
“Why's everybody always pickin' on me?”
————————
*allegedly

№ 745.2: EXTRA! Trump Sets His Sights On Antisemitism (or does he?)

Trump’s Executive Order Against College Campuses Is Bad For The Jews

You may feel as I do that college campuses have gotten increasingly — and inexcusably — anti-Semitic in recent years. But this executive order is not “good for the Jews” as the saying goes. That’s because any anti-discrimination order by this particular president is bad for the Jews, for one simple reason: It further identifies us with an anti-democratic administration.

AND FURTHERMORE (December 11)

This policy has a serious flaw.

It prevents criticism of Israel's gun law*.

Israeli law says all guns must be licensed!

And you can only own one at a time!

When it comes to bullets,

and if you own more than fifty,

you're guilty of a serious “crime”!

There are no exceptions,

there is no appeal.

So NRA is

anti-Israel?

————————

*US conservatives like to point out that both societies are well-armed, but the similarity ends there: Israelis trust their state, and don’t fear each other

The Times Of Israel, March 1, 2018

№ 745.1: EXTRA! DO NOT Cross The Barr (a memo to the BOSS of ALL BOSSES)

William Barr suggests FBI acted in ‘bad faith’ over Russia investigation

Attorney general casts doubt on own department’s report

Donald Trump’s top law enforcement official has dismissed the FBI’s Russia investigation as a “travesty”, rejecting the findings of his own department’s watchdog that cleared it of political bias.

William Barr, the attorney general, claimed the president was the victim of a “bogus narrative” about collusion with Moscow during the 2016 election.

Barr served under Ronald Reagan and George HW Bush but has disappointed observers who hoped he would push back against Trump’s conspiracy theories and blatant lies.

ON OUR KNEES (December 11)

(with apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

Corruption and impeachment are
not for me the issue 
Should the Dems dare go that far,
I'll not let them dismiss you

Our Christian GOP is deeply steeped
in loathing things not us
We'll not allow damned liberal Dems
to harm God's chosen POTUS

Even Ronnie, who was most blessed
(may peace be upon him),
could not deliver like you do, dear Don
Praise unto you, our con man

I, Billy Barr, U.S. A.G.
will to the end defend
your corpulent excrescence,
as God doth intend

№ 745: High Jinx, Low Marx (a life lessen)

Recordings reveal that plants make ultrasonic squeals when stressed (Paywall)

Although it has been revealed in recent years that plants are capable of seeing, hearing and smelling, they are still usually thought of as silent. But now, for the first time, they have been recorded making airborne sounds when stressed, which researchers say could open up a new field of precision agriculture where farmers listen for water-starved crops.

Itzhak Khait and his colleagues at Tel Aviv University in Israel found that tomato and tobacco plants made sounds at frequencies humans cannot hear when stressed by a lack of water or when their stem is cut.

PLAN IT OF THE GRAPES (December 10)

What if you heard a vegetable scream?
(Or a fish say, “I can not breathe”?)
Would you be perplexed?
Would you be distressed?
Or, panda-like, would you eat, shoot and leave?

What if everything living expressed
discomfort, pain and dismay?
Would you be bothered or would you rather
say, “Sorry” and be on your way?

Rhetorical questions. Obviously.
Your survival is all that counts.
No plant or animal (and surely no person)
outside yourself could ever amount
to a cause for concern. A lesson soon learned,
unless one passes away. The strongest, the fittest, 
the quickest witted, instinctively cover their ass anyway.

In sum, life's lesson turns out to be:
ain't nothing counts if it ain't me.

№ 744.2: EXTRA! Random Rambling Inspired By Who Knows What

Interview
Rick Reilly: ‘Donald Trump will cheat you on the golf course and then buy you lunch’

The sports writer says Donald Trump’s golf antics reveal a lot about the President and leave him terrified for the United States’ future

Reilly, the former Sports Illustrated columnist, has written a book called Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump. It’s rattling good fun which also depicts the startling duplicity of the president as a golfer. “You’re mostly laughing,” Reilly says, “but at times you’re crying – how did this happen? As a golfer he really offends me. Cheating? Hate that. Driving carts on greens? Hate that. Wearing old dockers two sizes too small for him? Give me a break. Kicking your ball so often the caddies call you Pelé? I so hate that. 

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PAR FOR THE COARSE (December 10)

(with apologies to Hank Williams)

My golfin' cart

I drive on greens

and then I cheat

by any means

I kick my balls

it's what I do

my golfin' cart

can flatten you

When water falls

(I call it rain)

it hits the ground

I am insane

I flush the john

(the Brits say “loo”)

my golfin' cart

will stop the coup

My golfin' cart

cannot be beat

it goes so fast

it helps me cheat

Impeachment's dumb

I'm tellin' you

Co-in-cid-ence

Nadler's a Jew?

When water falls

(I call it rain)

I flush the john 

to watch it drain

I wave bye-bye

to my poo-poo

then flush again

it's what I do

№ 744.1: EXTRA! Are We Dead Yet?

Trump called for Seoul evacuation at height of North Korea tensions, new book says

President’s diktat was ignored by his top officials, Peter Bergen writes in Trump and his Generals: The Cost of Chaos

Trump had been repeatedly told that US freedom of action against North Korea was constrained by the fact that the regime’s artillery could demolish the South Korean capital in retaliation for any attack, inflicting mass casualties on its population of 25 million.

“They have to move,” Trump said, according to Bergen, who adds that his officials were initially unsure if the president was joking. But Trump then repeated the line. “They have to move!”

INSIDE THE CHAOS INSIDE HIS HEAD (December 10)

I herewith order 25 million 
be swiftly moved out of Seoul.
I say get to it.
Jared can do it.

Moving Seoul.
That's today's goal.
Then, when Kimmy attacks,
no one'll die — anticlimax.

With all the Seoul sisters
(and brothers)
hiding (somewhere or other),
Kimmy'll never know why. . .
he shoots his wad
they all survive it.
Gad, but I'm clever. (I AM A GOD!)
I don't see why Democrats
don't recognize it.

№ 744: Why Donnie Will Walk (a prediction)

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ACH DE TRUMP (December 9)

(with apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe)

I have often lied to my crowd before
Hired immigrants which I do not allow no more
Only God knows why I so love to lie
It's what I, Donald Trump, have to give

My lies cause Dems to cry and frown,
around the world my lies have won me great renown
My fol-low-ers a-dore what the Dems deplore
because what I, Donald Trump, have to give

And, oh, the cowering feeling
Dems feel whene'er I appear
The in-mouth souring feeling
when one by one their judges disappear

So what the House impeaches me?
McConnell and his Senate lack all honesty,
and, therefore, will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

So what the House impeaches me?
MY GOP does not pretend to decency 
and the Senate will my conviction kill
'cuz what I, Donald Trump, have to give

№ 743: Pompeo And Circum Rondstadt

Linda Ronstadt tells Pompeo he will be loved when he ‘stops enabling Trump’

Ronstadt made remark after the secretary of state introduced her with a play on the song at the Kennedy Center Honors dinner

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STARTING HERE STARTING NOW (December 8)

(with apologies to Phil Everly)

Such a cheater,

bottom feeder

Why can't you dump Trump?

Such a liar,

pants on fire

Why won't you dump Trump?

Is he even human?

Has he got a mind?

Orange-hued, hair askew,

he's all pulp and rind

Such a SAD clown

should be put down

Why don't you dump Trump?

Is he even human?

Has he got a mind?

Orange-hued, hair askew,

he's all pulp and rind

Such a cheater,

bottom feeder

Why can't you dump Trump?

Why won't you dump Trump?

Tell me,

Why don't you dump Trump?